

As I grew up, my mother was clear, "Don't bring no white person home."
She told me. She told my brother. Her warnings began before I ever considered having a boyfriend - and definitely before I considered inviting one to our home.
At my first real "big girl" job in DC, a friend and I would walk to lunch together. He was much older and a father figure to me. I can remember many times that he pointed out the men glancing my way. He would ask if I noticed this or that person looking fondly in our direction. I would say no. Eventually, he caught on and asked if I would ever date outside of my race. I explained that I never even considered it an option. I tried to say this without sounding racist or prejudiced - although I knew in my heart that it sounded exactly that way.
I would give white men, and men of all races besides Black, cursory looks at best. I just didn't consider them for me - as if I were diabetic and they were a sugary sweet that would send me to the hospital. Although I had never dated outside of my African American race, I believed the wives' tales I'd heard. They'll fetishize you. They only want you so they can brag to their friends about what it's like to be with a Black woman.
Even though I had a diverse group of friends and enjoyed their company, I didn't allow myself to consider that I could date outside of my race. But I'm starting to see and feel something in the zeitgeist that tells me this conditioning is hurting us.
I can remember in early college noticing that my Black male friends weren't afraid to notice women of other races. They liked what they saw. They compared demeanors and physical attributes.
I felt that was taboo. And I felt a little bit hurt that they could see beauty in a place I hadn't allowed myself to explore.
We would joke, "You only like them because they are submissive. You only like them because they believe your dumb lies." But whatever the joke, my Black male friends had allowed themselves to step outside of their community's expectations. I believe it is time for Black women to reclaim their time; their desires; their curiosities; and their lives.
We tell ourselves we can be and do and have whatever we want. But if we are refusing to consider that we may find love in a shade and a hue and a culture that is not originally our own, we are closing ourselves off from the possibilities of life. Granted, the relationship might not work. He might be a jerk. He might be better or worse than what you've experienced before. But you should get out there and live a little.
Recently, singer Chris Brown came under fire for his "Need a Stack" song lyrics where he declares he "only f*** Black bitches with the nice hair." The collective was offended and his response to the backlash reeked of insensitivity and colorism. I'm not surprised. Anyone paying attention knows what the women look like who have been associated with him recently. But if that's his preference, what's the rub?
I think it has something to do with a latent resentment that our men allow themselves to explore and express preferences. And so often our women don't always feel we have the same liberties.
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In The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl, Issa Rae suggests that Black women and Asian men should consider dating. She posits that Black women are deemed too independent/difficult and Asian men are emasculated - why not consider each other? I haven't always been ready to hear that type of advice, but now I am. I have overlooked and ignored potential suitors to appease society's expectations but I'm the only one following those rules. My Black male counterparts are throwing caution to the wind and dating who the f*** they want.
I don't have a problem with Chris Brown's preferences. I like chocolate chip cookies; maybe you prefer cake. But if you never allow yourself to consider dessert, I guess you would be a bit resentful of all those who do indulge. I wish preferences weren't seen as an attack on others. And I wish more Black women, speaking to myself mostly, would feel enabled to look beyond our upbringing and conditioning.
There might be a good relationship waiting for you just outside of your normal dating pool.
I wonder why it has taken me so long to get here. I see myself as progressive and open-minded yet I blindly accepted people's pronouncements over who I could date. I would never allow that type of limitation in other areas of my life like my education or career. Adjusting my thinking on this issue is erasing the vestiges of conditioning that no longer serves me. I am aligning with my spirit.
To give myself permission to do what my male counterparts do is freeing. I will say yes to life and to relationships that nourish me. I will focus on shared values over shared skin tones.
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Adrian Marcel On Purpose, Sacrifice, And The 'Signs Of Life'
In this week's episode of xoMAN, host Kiara Walker talked with R&B artist Adrian Marcel, who opened up, full of heart and authenticity, about his personal evolution. He discussed his days transitioning from a young Bay Area singer on the come-up to becoming a grounded husband and father of four.
With honesty and introspection, Marcel reflected on how life, love, and loss have shaped the man he is today.
On ‘Life’s Subtle Signals’
Much of the conversation centered around purpose, sacrifice, and listening to life’s subtle signals. “I think that you really have to pay attention to the signs of life,” Marcel said. “Because as much as we need to make money, we are not necessarily on this Earth for that sole purpose, you know what I mean?” While he acknowledged his ambitions, adding, “that is not me saying at all I’m not trying to ball out,” he emphasized that fulfillment goes deeper.
“We are here to be happy. We are here [to] fulfill a purpose that we are put on here for.”
On Passion vs. Survival
Adrian spoke candidly about the tension between passion and survival, describing how hardship can sometimes point us away from misaligned paths. “If you find it’s constantly hurting you… that’s telling you something. That’s telling you that you’re going outside of your purpose.”
Marcel’s path hasn’t been without detours. A promising athlete in his youth, he recalled, “Early on in my career, I was still doing sports… I was good… I had a scholarship.” An injury changed everything. “My femur broke. Hence why I always say, you know, I’m gonna keep you hip like a femur.” After the injury, he pivoted to explore other careers, including teaching and corporate jobs.
“It just did not get me—even with any success that happened in anything—those times, back then, I was so unhappy. And you know, to a different degree. Like not just like, ‘I really want to be a singer so that’s why I’m unhappy.’ Nah, it was like, it was not fulfilling me in any form or fashion.”
On Connection Between Pursuing Music & Fatherhood
He recalled performing old-school songs at age 12 to impress girls, then his father challenged him: “You can lie to these girls all you want, but you're really just lying to yourself. You ain't growing.” That push led him to the piano—and eventually, to his truth. “Music is my love,” Marcel affirmed. “I wouldn’t be a happy husband if I was here trying to do anything else just to appease her [his wife].”
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Colman Domingo’s Career Advice Is A Reminder That Our Words Shape Our Reality
When it comes to life, we are always here for a good reminder to shift our mindsets, and Colman Domingo just gave us one we didn't know we needed.
In a resurfaced clip from an appearance at NewFest shared as a repost via Micheaux Film Festival, the Emmy award winner dropped a gem on how he has navigated his decades-spanning career in Hollywood. The gem in question? Well, Colman has never identified with "struggle" in his career. Let that sit.
Colman Domingo On Not Claiming Struggle
"I’ve never said that this career was tough. I’ve never said it was difficult. I’ve never said it was hard," Colman said. "Other people would say that—‘oh, you're in a very difficult industry. It's very hard to get work and book work.’ I’m like, I’ve never believed that."
Instead of allowing himself to be defined by other people's projections about their perceptions of what the industry is or was, Colman dared to believe differently even if his reality was playing catch up with his dreams:
"Like Maya Angelou said words are things. And if you believe that, then that's actually what it is. Actually I've just never believed it. Someone told me some years ago, they said, 'I remember you were, you're a struggling actor.' I'm like, 'I don't.'"
"I wasn't attached to a struggle. I was attached to living..."
He continued:
"Even when I was bartending and hustling and not having opportunities or anything, I never believed that I was struggling because I wasn't attached to a struggle. I was attached to living and creating and being curious."
Colman’s philosophy of attaching to living instead of struggle has blossomed into an enduring career. He first made his mark on stage in acclaimed Broadway productions before transitioning to the screen, where his star began to rise in the 2010s following his role as Victor Strand in Fear The Walking Dead. From there, his presence only grew, landing memorable supporting roles in If Beale Street Could Talk, Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom, and the hit series Euphoria.
In more recent years, Colman has stepped fully into the spotlight with standout leading performances in Rustin and Sing Sing, both of which earned him widespread critical acclaim and Academy Award nominations for Best Actor.
With all that said, Colman's advice is no doubt powerful, especially for those who are chasing their dreams, building something from the ground up, or have question marks about what's next in their careers. Words shape our realities, and how we speak about our journeys even in passing matters.
Words Create Our Reality & Colman Is Living Proof
"I tell young people that. To remember the words that you say about yourself and your career are true. So, I choose to make it full of light and love and it's interesting and every day I'm going to learn something new even if it looks like I don't have what I want but it's important to be in the moment... you really build on the moments moment to moment.
"And you're looking back at your career as I've been in it for what 33 years and you're like, 'Wow, that's what I've been doing.' And I've stayed strong to that so I think that is truly my advice."
Let this be your sign to give your path a reframe. When the path you're on feels uncertain, the journey is still unfolding. Like Colman said: "I wasn't attached to a struggle. I was attached to living."
That's a Black king right there.
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