Maybe It’s Time (To Consider Dating Outside Of My Race)
As I grew up, my mother was clear, "Don't bring no white person home."
She told me. She told my brother. Her warnings began before I ever considered having a boyfriend - and definitely before I considered inviting one to our home.
At my first real "big girl" job in DC, a friend and I would walk to lunch together. He was much older and a father figure to me. I can remember many times that he pointed out the men glancing my way. He would ask if I noticed this or that person looking fondly in our direction. I would say no. Eventually, he caught on and asked if I would ever date outside of my race. I explained that I never even considered it an option. I tried to say this without sounding racist or prejudiced - although I knew in my heart that it sounded exactly that way.
I would give white men, and men of all races besides Black, cursory looks at best. I just didn't consider them for me - as if I were diabetic and they were a sugary sweet that would send me to the hospital. Although I had never dated outside of my African American race, I believed the wives' tales I'd heard. They'll fetishize you. They only want you so they can brag to their friends about what it's like to be with a Black woman.
Even though I had a diverse group of friends and enjoyed their company, I didn't allow myself to consider that I could date outside of my race. But I'm starting to see and feel something in the zeitgeist that tells me this conditioning is hurting us.
I can remember in early college noticing that my Black male friends weren't afraid to notice women of other races. They liked what they saw. They compared demeanors and physical attributes.
I felt that was taboo. And I felt a little bit hurt that they could see beauty in a place I hadn't allowed myself to explore.
We would joke, "You only like them because they are submissive. You only like them because they believe your dumb lies." But whatever the joke, my Black male friends had allowed themselves to step outside of their community's expectations. I believe it is time for Black women to reclaim their time; their desires; their curiosities; and their lives.
We tell ourselves we can be and do and have whatever we want. But if we are refusing to consider that we may find love in a shade and a hue and a culture that is not originally our own, we are closing ourselves off from the possibilities of life. Granted, the relationship might not work. He might be a jerk. He might be better or worse than what you've experienced before. But you should get out there and live a little.
Recently, singer Chris Brown came under fire for his "Need a Stack" song lyrics where he declares he "only f*** Black bitches with the nice hair." The collective was offended and his response to the backlash reeked of insensitivity and colorism. I'm not surprised. Anyone paying attention knows what the women look like who have been associated with him recently. But if that's his preference, what's the rub?
I think it has something to do with a latent resentment that our men allow themselves to explore and express preferences. And so often our women don't always feel we have the same liberties.
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In The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl, Issa Rae suggests that Black women and Asian men should consider dating. She posits that Black women are deemed too independent/difficult and Asian men are emasculated - why not consider each other? I haven't always been ready to hear that type of advice, but now I am. I have overlooked and ignored potential suitors to appease society's expectations but I'm the only one following those rules. My Black male counterparts are throwing caution to the wind and dating who the f*** they want.
I don't have a problem with Chris Brown's preferences. I like chocolate chip cookies; maybe you prefer cake. But if you never allow yourself to consider dessert, I guess you would be a bit resentful of all those who do indulge. I wish preferences weren't seen as an attack on others. And I wish more Black women, speaking to myself mostly, would feel enabled to look beyond our upbringing and conditioning.
There might be a good relationship waiting for you just outside of your normal dating pool.
I wonder why it has taken me so long to get here. I see myself as progressive and open-minded yet I blindly accepted people's pronouncements over who I could date. I would never allow that type of limitation in other areas of my life like my education or career. Adjusting my thinking on this issue is erasing the vestiges of conditioning that no longer serves me. I am aligning with my spirit.
To give myself permission to do what my male counterparts do is freeing. I will say yes to life and to relationships that nourish me. I will focus on shared values over shared skin tones.
Featured image by Getty Images
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ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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How To Tell If You're Disciplining Your Child Or Seeking Revenge
When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images