Here's How To Come To Terms With Your Abandonment Issues
My name is Savannah. I'm 25 years old, and I have abandonment issues.
The time it took for me to be able to accept such a fact about myself is almost as long as my existence—although I must say that I discovered at a young age that abrupt separation, no matter who it involves or what the circumstances are, is an extremely painful emotional trigger for me.
It has never been clear as to why that's the case, though. I have yet to pinpoint the reason it always feels like a part of my soul gets ripped away from my body every time someone walks out of my life. Or, like I confessed in the past, why it's so difficult to peacefully let people go without ultimately questioning my worth and the importance of my own existence. This is partially why I felt compelled to grab my pen and write on the matter of abandonment issues. To me, rare are the issues that writing—and of course, researching—can't solve.
To help me get a grip on this fear, I interviewed Shanta Jackson, AKA The Homegirl Therapist, a Black licensed therapist and advocate for mental health awareness, therapy, and healing. "Abandonment issues can be complex," explains Shanta. "They can come from the loss of a loved one or the loss of a relationship or marriage. There is also emotional abandonment that a lot of my clients have experienced, which is where a parent or caregiver is not emotionally present or available to you."
Shanta's last words resonate in my mind because of how familiar they are. They brought back to mind what one of my girlfriends told me earlier this year. We were discussing the subject and she was trying to convince me that my father's behavior toward me as a child is at the heart of my abandonment issues. It sounded illogical to me. My father never did or say anything that made me feel unwanted, and I can't recall a time in my life where I had reasons to complain about his attitude toward me. Even if he wasn't as present as my mother was and I never really got to spend a lot of time with him because of his job, I never once doubted how much he loved or cared for me. Neither did I feel like he was missing in my life.
But my friend insisted and promised me that if I readHeal Your Wounds and Find Your True Self—a book that explores with depth the five wounds of the soul: rejection, abandonment, betrayal, injustice, and humiliation—I would have a better understanding of my emotions.
In the book, Lise Bourbeau writes that indeed, the wound of abandonment is awakened in a child between ages of one and three by the parent of the opposite sex as a result of lack of parental support and emotional attention. While as a writer, I know that facts written in books are not a synonym for truth and I could've chosen to trust only my memory, somehow Bourbeau's case study still incited me to dig a little deeper into my feelings of abandonment. And surprisingly, I think I may have found something. It took me a minute to see things in this way but after all, maybe my fatheris responsible for my abandonment issues.
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Perhaps my fear of being abandoned was sparked by my father's refusal to educate me on our ethnic background—our North African roots—simply because he didn't care.
I asked Shanta about my theory. "Absolutely!" she said. I could easily imagine our Homegirl Therapist nodding as I read her reaction to this thought. "It's possible that this is where your abandonment issues stem from. You feel abandoned in a sense that you don't know that side of you—because of his lack of interest in his own ethnicity and teaching you as well. So, you feel lost as it relates to you knowing who you are, which fuels the abandonment issues."
I went back to Bourbeau's book, scanning from one random page to another, and I came across a passage that led to another defining a-ha moment. It was a revelation that not only made sense immediately but also opened up the path for me to finally reach a place of peace regarding my fear of abandonment. It is said that our souls come on this earth carrying at least one of the five wounds mentioned earlier. Depending on which they suffer from, the right lives will be assigned to them.
By the right lives, I mean human experiences that will expose our souls to situations that will awaken and trigger the wounds with the intent to heal them. Where it gets tricky is that a soul may not have enough of one human experience to heal. Therefore, it carries its wounds to the next life, and the next life, and the next life until they are taken care of properly, with love and acceptance.
Now, you're probably wondering, what does it mean to take care of your abandonment issues with love and acceptance? How do I do that? Well, this is something I also discussed with our Homegirl Therapist. Here's what she said:
"Abandonment can't necessarily be worked out in a series of at-home exercises. To truly uproot the start of that abandonment, it is suggested that you attend counseling. Without discovering the root and working through that, it is difficult to manage the symptoms of abandonment issues, and that is where the problems happen for a lot of people. The latter as well as all of the symptoms can really be combined into…self-sabotage. We sabotage relationships because of our fear of being abandoned."
Shanta then broke down the process of coming to terms with your abandonment issues into three steps:
1. Identify Your Triggers
GiphyIdentifying your triggers is important in the process of healing your abandonment issues. Knowing what triggers your unhealthy behaviors allows you to identify the emotions that come, and intervene on these behaviors before falling victim to self-sabotage.
How can you identify your triggers?
- When you start to experience intense emotions, pause for a second, take a deep breath and take inventory of what just happened. Ask yourself why you feel the way you do at that moment.
Example: Your partner decides to go out and hang with a group of friends for the night. You begin to feel anxious and upset. What bothers you the most about your partner hanging with friends? Is it the friends they're hanging with? Do you not want to be alone tonight? Do you have a fear that they will be out late and won't answer your calls? When was the last time you felt this way?
2. Identify Self-Sabotaging Patterns
GiphyYou must identify what your self-sabotaging patterns are and the exact symptoms of your trauma. This will allow you to become more self-aware, and gain the ability to catch emotions at the onset. Note that it will require complete honesty on your part.
How can you identify your self-sabotaging patterns?
- When you find yourself triggered, what has been your "default setting"? What behaviors do you engage in the most? Do you find yourself feeling the need to withdraw or hold back, to attack, or become defensive? Do you turn into yourself and shame yourself for feeling upset? Do you blame yourself or external factors for the perceived issues?
- When you feel insecure, ask yourself, "How do I usually behave? How do I protect myself? If I evaluate my past and current relationships, have there been patterns in my exes' or entourage's complaints?" Examples can be never sharing your emotions, shutting down during conflict, seeking attention through conflict, or becoming clingy or needy.
3. Break The Cycle
GiphyWhile identifying triggers and self-sabotaging patterns are important steps, they can only take you so far if you don't heal yourself. When dealing with abandonment issues, it's likely that in our brokenness, we expect our partner or the person who awakened the fear to fix it. The truth is, they can't. The secret here is self-work.
How can you break self-sabotaging the cycle?
- Talk about it: Communication can truly aid in preventing some unnecessary anxiety or fears with those we maintain any kind of relationship with. Oftentimes, we create narratives in our minds that are likely untrue and then allow those thoughts to drive unhealthy behaviors. When triggered by certain situations, express calmly how you feel, using "I" statements, so that you can take ownership of those feelings and not display blame.
- Be present: One of the other things that we tend to do when we have fear of abandonment is that we focus so much on the past where the trauma happened and the future of what could happen versus being mindful and present in a relationship. Your relationship is happening right now, so put less focus on what might happen and more focus on what is happening.
- Seek therapy: I can't stress enough how important therapy will be to your overall healing, especially when it comes to abandonment issues. Abandonment is tricky and it is important that you seek the help of a mental health professional to process and work through the traumas.
Personally, this is a journey inward that I've taken on for nearly a year now. If you asked me what it looks like for me and what it has taught me, I would say that chasing emotionally unavailable men is how I self-sabotage.
I figured out that by mothering my inner child spiritually and physically by speaking life into her, respecting her boundaries, avoiding putting her in situations that could result in heartbreaks, patting her on the back when she needs a little support, holding her hand at night when she needs to feel loved, pampering her when she doesn't like the reflection she sees in the mirror—doing all of this instead of navigating life from a place of loss and void is how I engage in healthy behaviors. I'm still a work in progress, though.
Moreover, I'm learning that the end of a relationship doesn't have to feel like the world is ending. Some people aren't meant to stay in our lives forever—that's OK. If it's tempting to fight and beg for them to stay, sometimes the best we can do is just to cling to the good memories that we share and understand that those we love are free to continue walking their own path on their own terms.
Their decision to part ways with us doesn't mean that we aren't worthy of love. Quite the contrary, I like to think that it means that a better love is coming.
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Featured image by Shutterstock
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The most Gemini woman you'll ever meet. Communications & community enthusiast, I run a media platform centered around spirituality, and I'm always looking to connect with fellow creatives. Follow me on Instagram & Twitter @savannahtaider
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Why We'll Probably Never Hear Lupita Nyong'o Share Her Relationship With The World
Lupita Nyong'o is sharing a transparent look into her life after a recent breakup.
In a cover story for NET-A-PORTER, the A Quiet Place: Day One star shed light on the significant heartbreak she experienced following the end of her relationship with ex-boyfriend and TV host, Selema Masekela.
As a public figure, Nyong'o, 39, sought to divulge the news of the breakup in hopes of presenting a more authentic perspective on the pain that follows a separation.
"I was living in a lot of pain and heartbreak," she told the publication. "I looked at the environment of my social media and thought I don’t want to be a part of this illusion that everything is always coming up roses. Surely there is a lesson for me to learn in this, and I just want to be real about it."
The Black Panther star went on to explain that her choice to be transparent with her fans about her breakup came from the certainty she felt after ending the relationship. “In my mind, when I shared my relationship status with the world, it was because I felt sure about it,” she said.
While she didn’t know how the news would land with her fans, she found relief in knowing she wasn’t alone in her experience.
“I knew how it could be interpreted; I knew it would have a life of its own,” she reflects. “But then I started to see the comments and people were being so loving and supportive. The ones that moved me the most were other people sharing their pain and their heartbreak.”
Nyong'o and Masekela went Instagram official in December 2022, publicly announcing their relationship in a couple's video. In October 2023, Nyong'o took to her personal Instagram account to share the news of her breakup in her caption, writing, "At this moment, it is necessary for me to share a personal truth and publicly dissociate myself from someone I can no longer trust.”
She continued the vulnerable note, "I find myself in a season of heartbreak because of a love suddenly and devastatingly extinguished by deception. I am tempted to run into the shadows and hide, only to return to the light when I have regained my strength enough for me to say, 'Whatever, my life is better this way.' But I am reminded that the magnitude of the pain I am feeling is equal to the measure of my capacity for love."
These days, Nyong'o tells NET-A-PORTER that she is prioritizing profound self-discovery that extends beyond her career. She notes having a deliberate and unhurried approach to understanding herself.
She also alludes to keeping her relationships private moving forward after noting it was "very, very sage" of her not to talk about her private life professionally in the days before her last relationship. "I'm going back to those days by the way," Nyong'o shares of her reinstated boundaries around her personal life.
Earlier this month, Nyong'o made headlines alongside her new boyfriend actor Joshua Jackson. Nyong'o and Jackson went through public splits from their respective SOs in October 2023, with the latter splitting from his long-time partner Jodie Turner-Smith following her divorce filing from the Dawson's Creek alum.
The pair have been spotted together as early as December 2023, but nothing screamed "couple" quite as loudly as their recent getaway to Mexico for Nyong'o's 41st birthday featuring passionate displays of affection.
"Our purpose in life is to love. And so you have to get back in it," she tells the outlet, seemingly alluding to her budding new romance.
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