We all have that pesky voice in our heads that's constantly shouting, "You're not good enough," or, "You're not trying hard enough."
At some point, this voice starts affecting your psyche and the way you perceive what's around you. It digs into your brain and places doubt in almost everything you dream, desire, or do.
Unfortunately, that voice doesn't ever really stop and even when you're doing seemingly well in life, a quick look to social media can put you right back to square one in a rut of a self-deprecating session. However, I learned that while the inner voice doesn't stop, it does get quieter. Especially when you learn how to change it.
Using this voice as a motivator instead of a depressant transformed the way I looked at life and those around me. Here are a few helpful ways to tackle negativity in your life.
Body Shaming Yourself
We are so ready to stop men and other women from body shaming each other, but what about what we say to ourselves? We all tend to compare, and sometimes it can be constructive, but never when you're referencing your body. Your body is yours, with its own timeline and process. To make yourself starve, run, or diet because you want the body of someone else is the same as body shaming yourself.
Love your curves, lumps, and moles. Embrace what you have and work to make that better.
Society is focused on outer beauty but that doesn't mean your inside voice has to be. We are so strict on society telling us what size we need to be, but half of us are not as nice to ourselves. If you want to change your body, do it for you. Don't do it for what you believe your husband wants, or what society deems 'sexy'. Transform yourself for you.
Stop Comparing
When you compare your finances, success, or life to others - you're automatically diminishing the life you have. You're shitting on the work you've done to get there and the obstacles you've overcome to succeed; you are punking yourself, essentially.
It's hard to not compare in a world saturated with images of people being happy and having everything, but it's imperative you do.
We all know that everyone only shows the happy parts of their lives. It can be argued that you are only shown the parts that people want you to see, or want you to envy. Few times do you get on Instagram and see a person's shitty day or a day they felt overwhelmed by the world and needed a hug. Your success and happiness in life should not be measured by someone's ruler. Start congratulating those that are succeeding around you and before you know it - you'll be applauding yourself! (Not to mention, all those people you supported will support you!)
Lose The "I Don't Fit In" Attitude
Nobody is leaving you out. It's time to ditch that notion. How can you be left out of your own life? Surround yourself with empowering, strong, and caring people who make you feel wanted and needed and who listen to your successes and failures. "Fitting in" isn't something to achieve, it's something to pity. Focus on doing the things that make you happy and don't pay attention to what others are doing. Your purpose is unique because it's your purpose, you're not supposed to be part of the norm (which is all relative anyway).
Your life is bigger than this moment, enjoy your struggle.
Ever think about when you were 13 and prayed every day to be older? If only you knew then what you know now, eh? This is now. This is then. Live in these moments. Being anxious about future endeavors that you can't control (ie: marriage, kids) is distracting you from enjoying what you have now. There will never be a time in your life like the one right now; make sure you are learning from it. If you're in a hard time, understand you will get out and have a lesson to learn. If you're in the highs of your life, be grateful and take it all in. We all have an ebb and flow to our life. Our mission is to enjoy and learn from it all.
Life is way too short as we are often reminded by the media. The trick is to enjoy what you have and be proud of what you're building for your future. Don't be caught up in the lives of others.
As far as I'm concerned, it's never paid any of my bills.
Featured image by Getty Images
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Courtney is a contributing writer, based in Puerto Rico by way of Tennessee. Interested in the intersection of fashion and culture, she has an affinity for fashion, empowerment, and really good tacos. Keep up with her on Instagram (@hautecourtxo).
Exclusive: Melanie Fiona On Making High-Vibrational Music & Saying Yes To Partnership
Melanie Fiona is back! After taking a little more than a decade-long hiatus, she has officially made her return to music and blessed us with two singles, “Say Yes” and “I Choose You.” While both singles are very different from each other, they both reflect who she is today and the type of music she wants to make. In our conversation, the mom of two expressed what she learned during her time away.
“It's interesting, even when I said it is like coming back, I don't ever feel like I really left because I was always still performing. I've still been public. It's not like I went into being this recluse person or version of myself, but the thing that I really learned in this process is that I think things take time,” Melanie says in a xoNecole exclusive.
“I think often we're so caught up in it, being on the timing of demand or popularity, or, like, striking while the iron is hot and the thing that I've learned is that everything is on God's time. That's it. Every time I thought I would have been ready, or, like, things were taking too long, I had to reship some things, personally, professionally, in my life. I also gave myself permission to make a living, not just make a living, but make a life for myself.”
Making a life for herself included getting married to Grammy-nominated songwriter Jared Cotter, starting a family, and embracing new landscapes, such as podcasting as a co-host of The Mama’s Den podcast. She also began doing more spiritual work and self-care practices like meditation, sound healing, Reiki, acupuncture, and boundary setting, which allowed her to get in touch with her inner voice.
“I wasn't putting out music, and I wasn't experiencing a number one record, but I was being a number one mom,” she says.
“I was experiencing things that were allowing me to heal and get in touch with myself so that I could make new music from a space of joy and freedom, and excitement again because I definitely feel like I did lose some excitement because of just politics and industry and what it can do to your mental health and even your physical health. So giving myself the space to really just say, ‘Hey, it's okay. Everything's right on time.’”
The joy and excitement are felt in one of two new singles, “I Choose You,” which is more of a lovers rock vibe, a tribute to Melanie’s Caribbean roots. While the Grammy award-winner is known for ballads like “It Kills Me” and “Fool For You,” she is becoming more intentional about the music she makes, calling it high-vibrational music. She says her music is a “reflection of my life,” as it captures every facet, from hanging out with friends to riding around in her car.
“Say Yes” has the classic R&B vibe Melanie is known for. However, both songs are inspired by her relationship. Melanie and Jared got married in December 2020, and the Toronto-bred artist dished on their relationship. Fun fact: he is featured in the “Say Yes” music video.
“When we first started dating, I had come into that relationship post a lot of self-work. I had gotten out of a long-term relationship, I had a year and a half to date and be by myself and do a lot of work on myself alone. And when we met, I remember feeling like this has to be my person because I feel it,” she says.
“And so when we went into that relationship, and we started dating, I was very clear. I was like, I know what I want. I'm very clear on what I need, and I'm not going to withhold my truth about myself in this process because of pride or fear of rejection. I know you love me, but I'm coming with my heart in my hand to let you know that if we're gonna get there, we have to put fear aside and say yes. So that was kind of like my open letter to him, which is why the video is us having a conversation.”
Melanie also shares that saying yes to her partner has empowered her in many ways, including motherhood and showing up for herself. Her new EP, also titled Say Yes, will be available at the top of 2025.
Check out the full interview below.
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Feature image by Franco Zulueta
Entertaining Like Ayesha Curry: Expert Advice For Holidays Done Right
Be prepared to wow the crowd.
It’s officially the holiday season, which means parties and gatherings galore. Between Friendsgiving, Christmas, and New Year's Eve celebrations, many of us are preparing to host loved ones in our homes one or two times between now and the end of the year. No matter the occasion or season, hosting for family and friends is a labor of love. But we can also agree that entertaining can be overwhelming, especially for first-time hosts.
As a seasoned host and entertainer, Ayesha Curry knows something about creating a memorable event for loved ones. Whether preparing for an intimate dinner with your immediate family or hosting a larger crowd, your guests will think you are a pro this holiday season with her tips on everything from welcoming guests to setting a beautiful table.
Q: What is your top tip for hosting?
Ayesha Curry:Part of being a great host is spending time with your guests, which means you can’t be stuck in the kitchen. Prep is key! I usually serve wine with the meal, but a cocktail or mocktail is a great way to greet guests. I prep the garnish the night before and batch the drink just before guests arrive. When the party begins, I pull everything out of the fridge and am ready to serve.
Writer Note: If you would like to offer non-alcoholic beverages for your sober or sober-curious guests, I love Saint Viviana Cab. It maintains full-body cabernet and flavor; no one will ever guess it’s alcohol-free. You can easily create a signature mocktail using Bittermilk’s Smoked Honey Whiskey Sour mix.
Q: Do you suggest any prep for serving or cooking?
AC:I lay out all my serving dishes and utensils the night before with little post-it notes saying what goes where. That way, I’m not digging around for anything. For more elaborate menus, I lay out quarter sheet pans and label them with tape according to the dish. I prep and measure everything for each recipe and then load each sheet pan with everything needed to make the dish. I wrap each tray in saran or foil, stack them, and place them in the fridge. Pull out the sheet pan you need when cooking, and everything is ready. It’s something I learned at the restaurant that saves so much time.
Q: What’s one item that should always be on a dinner party menu?
AC: Bread or roll with butter is excellent for holding guests over if the kitchen is delayed.
Q: What’s one non-menu item you should always have on hand?
AC: For a non-menu item, wine!
Q: How do you decide on a theme or menu for a gathering?
AC: It all starts with the occasion and the guest list. If it’s a group that doesn’t know each other very well, I may get more elaborate with the theme to help break the ice. For a group of friends or family who don’t get to see each other very often, I usually keep it simple so the evening can be all about catching up. A great playlist, good wine, and a family-style menu are all you need.
Q: Should attendees be expected to bring a gift?
AC: If I’m hosting, I’m not expecting gifts. The gift is taking time to come over and enjoy a meal with me! But bringing something to enjoy at the gathering, like a bottle of wine, is always appreciated.
Q: What are three affordable gifts that guests can give a host?
AC:A bag of excellent coffee is a beautiful gift for a host. Sweet July’s House Blend Coffee is sourced from all-female co-ops, so it’s a gift I love to give to the women in my life. Whether it’s being served after dinner or just for the host to enjoy on their own, you can’t go wrong with a bag of high-end coffee.
Fresh flowers are great if you have a host who likes total control over the food and beverage menu. Go for something neutral in color that can work with any décor.
The Sweet July Olive Oil and Balsamic Vinegar set is my go-to host gift. Bottled in Napa, it’s a gift any foodie will appreciate - and use!
Q: What are some creative tablescape or decor ideas that you love?
AC: I like to keep my dinnerware neutral and classic (like this ceramic collection in nutmeg) and infuse color and texture through linens. For centerpieces, I want to use what I have in my yard. If it’s summer, it might be flowers or greenery, but interesting branches can also look architectural in tall, clear vases next to tapered candles in the colder months. There’s no need to spend a ton of money on flowers.
With Ayesha’s tips, you can create a holiday gathering that your family and friends will cherish forever.
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Featured image by Getty Images