If you find yourself constantly feeling discouraged, unable to commit to your goals or see things through, then you may be self-sabotaging. Sometimes we can get in our own way without even realizing that the root of some of our issues is our mindset. When Girlfriends hit Netflix, one thing I just couldn't get over was the self-sabotaging traits Joan portrayed. I felt that she was more than capable and deserving of having a successful career and marriage. Unfortunately, she got in her own way a lot, and, honestly, a lot of us do the same thing.
I don't want this article to trigger you, instead, let this be a self-reflection because we all have exhibited some self-sabotaging behaviors in our lives. Self-sabotaging can be caused by a number of things like low self-esteem, a desire to gain a sense of control, a result of anxiety, and just not even realizing the things we do and say to ourselves. Recently, I saw a post on Twitter by ThirdEyeLove which laid out traits of a self-sabotager and how she overcame it. Per that thread, here are signs that you are actually self-sabotaging yourself.
Not Asking For Help
GiphyAsking for help is not easy but neither is trying to do everything by yourself. The stress of finishing school, elevating in your career, or starting a business is stressful in itself, so adding all the burden to yourself is a surefire way to feel defeated and discouraged.
Remember asking for help doesn't make you weak, it actually makes you more aware and efficient. You are able to acknowledge what you need and find resources that can help you achieve your goals, in fact, it may also help you build a community. For me, I used to hate asking for help because of how people made me feel about it. But, it's also important to remember it's normal, and if you find someone along the way that isn't willing to help in your time of need, there are so many other people and resources that will.
Rejecting Praise/Not Giving Yourself Praise
GiphyI personally struggle with accepting and giving myself praise. Sometimes I get so in my head about where I want to be that I can't accept people congratulating me or acknowledge it myself. Hella self-sabotaging!
We have to celebrate small wins and allow people to celebrate us too. Don't feel guilty about enjoying the fruits of your labor and don't ignore how far you have come. It becomes harder to keep going if you don't accept the work you've put in or at least allow people to appreciate the things you do and have to offer in the present. The next time someone praises you or your work, accept it and express gratitude because it's hard to see your growth if you keep overlooking it.
Isolating Yourself
GiphyThis is probably one of the most dangerous self-sabotaging traits. When you isolate yourself, you tend to distance yourself from friends and family, not leave the house, become unmotivated, and you're just stuck feeling hopeless. Sometimes that feeling can go on for days, weeks, and even months. You're no longer connected to anything other than those feelings and it can feel like things are getting darker and darker. Don't get me wrong, it's completely fine to take your space, but committing to complete isolation can be mentally, emotionally, and physically damaging.
Saying "Yes" To Everything
GiphySaying "yes" to everything, especially the things you don't want to do can be draining. Most of us want to please people and help the people around us which is amazing, but not if it costs you your sanity and the way you are able to show up for yourself. If you have people in your life who like to take and take and take, then you know what I'm talking about.
Constantly saying "yes" to everything can cause burnout. The energy (or lack thereof) will show up in your day-to-day tasks. I'm not saying to never say "yes", but practice balance. Don't just be a people-pleaser, be a you-pleaser!
Putting Your Needs On Hold
GiphyPutting your own needs on hold is a self-sabotaging behavior that piggybacks off of saying "yes" to everything. You can also be self-sabotaging yourself because you're putting your needs last. Need is defined as a requirement and an obligation. We need water, we need food, we need shelter -- those are the basics to live so we make sure we have those things in place. So why should your needs be treated any differently in any other area of your life?
It's easy for things to fall through the cracks but the longer you put your needs on the back-burner or ignore it, the more unfulfilled, lost, or hopeless you'll feel. The more you neglect your needs, the more this becomes a habit. Don't forget that you are special too!
You deserve the same amount of love, effort, and commitment that you work hard to give other people.
You're Procrastinating
GiphyWe all have been guilty of procrastinating at some point or another. Sometimes I think we procrastinate because we believe we aren't ready, we're fearful, or we have more time than we think. Procrastination, if done too much, can be sabotaging and can destroy long-standing goals, commitments, and dreams.
The more you procrastinate, the more time you waste, and the harder it is to reach your goals. I'm not going to lie and act like procrastination is an easy fix because it's not. In order to kick procrastination, you have to change your mindset, set realistic deadlines that include time for you to recharge, and remember that you are worthy of the things you set out to work for.
Trying To Be Perfect
GiphyPerfectionism is another dream killer. How many times have you waited to do or share something because it wasn't 'perfect'? We put so much pressure on ourselves to have things be the best, but what if we just showed up as ourselves?
We're humans, we make mistakes but we also grow and get better. Embracing the process and who we are is very important when it comes to this form of self-sabotage.
Striving for perfectionism not only causes you to be hard on yourself but it also prevents you from completing tasks or projects, owning your mistakes and flaws, facing your reality, and ultimately results in a lack of fulfillment. What makes this extremely self-sabotaging is that we put these pressures on ourselves despite knowing perfection is unattainable. Ease up and give yourself the grace of being human.
Negative Self-Talk
GiphyNegative self-talk is something we all fall victim to. The quote, "The words you speak become the house you live in" is nothing but facts. What you say becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy so when you think you can't do things or that you aren't good enough, you'll believe it's true. Eventually, you'll start feeling unmotivated, hopeless, and feel like you aren't enough. Imagine waking up every morning and saying you'll never reach your goals.
Positive affirmations are very powerful and key to manifesting the life you hope to lead. Instead of speaking about yourself or your life negatively, talking positively to and about yourself can make a huge difference when it comes to tackling new events/situations, boosting confidence/self-esteem, and being able to face each day.
The first step to starting anything is believing you can.
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In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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Feature image by Mike Lawrie/Getty Images
