Negative self-talk isn't something to take lightly. It weaves itself into every day of our lives. It convinces us that we should not attempt whatever it is that is in our heart's desire. It's a breeding ground for Imposter Syndrome.
I grew up in a strict household. At home, I was often corrected or criticized; I was seldom celebrated or praised. My mistakes were magnified and my successes ignored because that is what I was supposed to do. The pros of growing up like this are that I truly have created the habit of attempting excellence in whatever I do. The cons of growing up like this are that I took over the habit of criticizing everything I did with what I was saying silently to myself. No accomplishment ever feels big enough. I spent years of my life picking up where strict parenting left off. Praise myself? Never.
I'm in sales training currently where we are covering topics like sales and lead generation. The idea of picking up a phone to call people is so terrifying for most, they never even try. New technology seems like a behemoth of a mountain for them to climb. There's a way in which our imaginations create disastrous outcomes so strong and vivid that we're absolutely convinced that beginning in the first place is futile. There are common themes among the women that I work within my coaching program and negative self-talk is extremely common. Why wouldn't it be?
Anything that we practice over and over again starts to run on autopilot. We can start thinking of our negative self-talk as an auto-correct that only gets it wrong.
When spell check mishaps happen to our phones do we stop, look at the mistake, correct the spelling without torturing ourselves for bad spelling and then hit send and continue with our day? Or do we send the automated words, whether it has typed what we intended or not, and then spend the day berating ourselves about it? Negative self-talk has become the spell check misspellings that we ignore because we've been doing it so long. How do we stop it when it is incessant?
Here are four things that can be done to help stave off automatic negative self-talk:
1.Observation
Start watching your reactions as if you are outside of yourself looking in. Watch yourself with curiosity. If you're having a tough moment ask yourself, "What's really wrong?". Are we upset about what happened or is it an oft-practiced reaction on autopilot? At first, it may seem strange but with practice, it can be illuminating.
Are you upset about what is going on or is it because it feels like the way you were always silenced as a child? What are the emotions you're having teaching you? Observe yourself both when happy and when upset. We get to feel our feelings and should. There seems to be this incorrect assumption that being positive means blocking out our negative feelings. Being positive doesn't mean negating unpleasant feelings. It is positive to take a step back and listen (without judgment) to what comes up when we ask ourselves questions.
2.Self-Soothing & Praise
We get to be our own best friend. When our friends call us in distress, we jump to being their best cheerleader. When we find ourselves upset, we can be our own biggest critic. We deserve to be our own best friend in our head.
I can be found reminding myself that right now, everything is OK. Even if there are steep challenges to overcome, in this moment, everything is OK. How often do we have to get to the other side of conflict before realizing that it was a lesson that we needed to get in order to grow? We can find ways to remind ourselves of this even as we go through the fires of life. As a survivor of sexual assault, I have to remind myself often that it is OK to be OK. I can be on heightened alert at all times. Even the smallest setbacks seem huge building blocks.
I call my inner best friend my personal superhero. She is always on-hand to say I'm doing better than I'm giving myself credit for. I'd bet money the same can be said for many of us, survivor or not. My inner best friend will clear the worry space out by declaring: "Nothing to see here folks!" Be the cheerleader friend you are to others for yourself in your own mind because you can say more to yourself than a superficial, "You got this!"
3.Pivot Your Inner World
There is a book called Coming Alive: 4 Tools to Defeat Your Inner Enemy, Ignite Creative Expression & Unleash Your Soul's Potentialby Barry Michels and Phil Stutz. Inside this book are four tools that can be used on the spot to shift our negative thought patterns.
Let's say that your negative self-talk is loud and distracting. Find a place that you can stop, close your eyes, and feel what you are feeling with intensity. Imagine doing this while sitting in a room with large glass windows. Make everything outside the window disappear. Then make everything inside, except you, disappear. You are left with yourself and silence. The space created by this exercise may help you quiet your mind enough to continue on with the day. Not everything works for everybody. I encourage you to find out about the other tools because they can be implemented on the spot when you need them.
4.Who Gave You That Script?
Ask yourself whose voice that negative self-talk really belongs to? In my case, I took up where my strict parent left off. I also remained in an unconscious state of survival mode. I never gave myself a break and I only paid attention to what I thought needed fixing. Whatever was fine in my life, I ignored. It doesn't need fixing so it doesn't need focus. Plus, if everything is going well, I'd be preparing for the next shoe to drop. Then one day, it dawned on me that I had taken up right where my strict parents had left off.
One of the things I do if the negative self-talk starts is to remind myself, this is not my voice. I don't have to do this for them. I can choose the inverse.
You are the adult in the room now. How do you choose to talk to yourself? Write down the things that you say most often. Now rewrite them inverted. Start practicing the repetition of these inverted statements to drown out the auto-negative. Pre-program your responses to the negative self-talk so that they automatically flow. It took several years to get the automatic reaction going, so it is going to take practice and time to change it. Be easy with yourself as you practice. Beating ourselves up for not doing something new perfectly right away only adds fuel to the negative self-talk machine. Choose a few from this list to practice as soon as you notice the negative monologue beginning. You do have the power to rewire your automatic response to life's challenges.
I am a fan of starting small. For example, I got into the bad habit of saying "f*ck my life" if a mishap happened. Now, I catch myself before I say it and say "Bless my life," instead. It seems so small but every house is built bit by bit. Retraining our brain is the same way.
In fact, I'd argue that small but consistently gentle changes are the best ones to practice for lasting change. What do you say to yourself when mishaps happen or challenges arise? Practice your own version of "Bless my life". When you stay consistent with your practice, one day you'll step back and observe that you are now saying your new supportive self-talk.
Being your own best friend in your head is much better than broadcasting those naysayers installed by someone else. Strip away all the noise and you realize that right now, in this moment, inside of yourself everything is fine.
Pre-planning the response challenges and stresses will slowly faze out the unwanted voices and truly bless your life. Please know that there is no shame in getting help from a coach like myself or a therapist or even a support group. Take Action and practice, practice, practice.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Why Every Woman Should Write A Love Letter To Themselves
Jada Pinkett-Smith Wants You To Chill With The Negative Self-Talk
How Pursuing God Taught Me Self-Love
Feeling Yourself Is The Vital Step To Finding The Love Of Your Life
Featured image by Shutter Stock.
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Exclusive: Melanie Fiona On Making High-Vibrational Music & Saying Yes To Partnership
Melanie Fiona is back! After taking a little more than a decade-long hiatus, she has officially made her return to music and blessed us with two singles, “Say Yes” and “I Choose You.” While both singles are very different from each other, they both reflect who she is today and the type of music she wants to make. In our conversation, the mom of two expressed what she learned during her time away.
“It's interesting, even when I said it is like coming back, I don't ever feel like I really left because I was always still performing. I've still been public. It's not like I went into being this recluse person or version of myself, but the thing that I really learned in this process is that I think things take time,” Melanie says in a xoNecole exclusive.
“I think often we're so caught up in it, being on the timing of demand or popularity, or, like, striking while the iron is hot and the thing that I've learned is that everything is on God's time. That's it. Every time I thought I would have been ready, or, like, things were taking too long, I had to reship some things, personally, professionally, in my life. I also gave myself permission to make a living, not just make a living, but make a life for myself.”
Making a life for herself included getting married to Grammy-nominated songwriter Jared Cotter, starting a family, and embracing new landscapes, such as podcasting as a co-host of The Mama’s Den podcast. She also began doing more spiritual work and self-care practices like meditation, sound healing, Reiki, acupuncture, and boundary setting, which allowed her to get in touch with her inner voice.
“I wasn't putting out music, and I wasn't experiencing a number one record, but I was being a number one mom,” she says.
“I was experiencing things that were allowing me to heal and get in touch with myself so that I could make new music from a space of joy and freedom, and excitement again because I definitely feel like I did lose some excitement because of just politics and industry and what it can do to your mental health and even your physical health. So giving myself the space to really just say, ‘Hey, it's okay. Everything's right on time.’”
The joy and excitement are felt in one of two new singles, “I Choose You,” which is more of a lovers rock vibe, a tribute to Melanie’s Caribbean roots. While the Grammy award-winner is known for ballads like “It Kills Me” and “Fool For You,” she is becoming more intentional about the music she makes, calling it high-vibrational music. She says her music is a “reflection of my life,” as it captures every facet, from hanging out with friends to riding around in her car.
“Say Yes” has the classic R&B vibe Melanie is known for. However, both songs are inspired by her relationship. Melanie and Jared got married in December 2020, and the Toronto-bred artist dished on their relationship. Fun fact: he is featured in the “Say Yes” music video.
“When we first started dating, I had come into that relationship post a lot of self-work. I had gotten out of a long-term relationship, I had a year and a half to date and be by myself and do a lot of work on myself alone. And when we met, I remember feeling like this has to be my person because I feel it,” she says.
“And so when we went into that relationship, and we started dating, I was very clear. I was like, I know what I want. I'm very clear on what I need, and I'm not going to withhold my truth about myself in this process because of pride or fear of rejection. I know you love me, but I'm coming with my heart in my hand to let you know that if we're gonna get there, we have to put fear aside and say yes. So that was kind of like my open letter to him, which is why the video is us having a conversation.”
Melanie also shares that saying yes to her partner has empowered her in many ways, including motherhood and showing up for herself. Her new EP, also titled Say Yes, will be available at the top of 2025.
Check out the full interview below.
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Feature image by Franco Zulueta
Boris Kodjoe Knew Nicole Ari Parker Was 'The One'—Even When She Was Married To Someone Else
Nicole Ari Parker and Boris Kodjoe are the epitome of Black Hollywood love goals, blending romance, resilience, and partnership into a bond that has stood the test of time. From their serendipitous meeting on the set of Soul Food to nearly two decades of marriage, the couple's love story is one of mutual respect, unwavering support, and undeniable chemistry.
Boris opened up about their “meet-cute” while chatting with Jemele Hill on her podcast Jemele Unbothered. The Austrian-born German actor always knew it was Nicole for him. Boris told Jemele, “I knew she was my person, but she was still struggling a little bit because she was like, ‘Yeah, you know, he’s a model, blah, blah. He’s an actor, blah, blah.’ She was trying to tell herself I’m not the one, but I knew, I knew.”
One new fun fact we learned was that Nicole was married and Boris was also in a relationship. That didn’t bother Boris though because when you know, you know.
“It started getting tricky when the second year, second season [of Soul Food], I think, when the whole entire crew was over us. The whole crew was like, ‘Y’all mfs, you better get that together because we know. Are you guys blind?’”
He went on to say, “Then one day I walked in a trailer and I said to her, ‘By the way, we are gonna be married with two kids one day.’ And I just walked out. That didn’t go over very well. She was mad. She was mad for three weeks. But think about it—why was she mad though? Why was she mad? Because she was right. If it was just a joke to her, she would’ve just laughed and moved on.”
They decided to take a break from each other over the summer after Soul Food wrapped. But the universe had other plans, just two weeks later, they found themselves working together again on the set of Brown Sugar in New York.
Together, they’ve navigated parenthood, launched business ventures, and become advocates for health and wellness, all while keeping their connection strong. Their journey is a beautiful reminder that true love thrives on teamwork, trust, and a shared vision for the future.
The 'Soul Food' cast members in 2000: Darrin Henson, Rockmond Dunbar, (back row) Boris Kodjoe, Nicole Ari Parker, Vanessa Williams, (middle row) Malinda Williams and Aaron Meeks (foreground)
Ken Hively/Los Angeles Times via Getty Images
2000:
First Meeting: Nicole Ari Parker and Boris Kodjoe met on the set of the Showtime series Soul Food, where they played on-screen love interests. Their chemistry both on- and off-screen sparked a real-life romance. During his interview with Jemele Hill, he said, “When I first got there, I was the newbie. It was my first job. Super excited, super nervous. And she was unbelievable—actress on stage, movies, TV, everything. But she really embraced me. She was super nice to me. I remember that—super heartwarming and nice.”
He continued, “She really helped me a lot—breaking down the scripts, explaining to me what was going on. I had a million questions. When I read the script, half the stuff I didn’t understand, right? Because there were colloquialisms, there were references to old TV shows that I’d never seen in my life. So I would always come to her and ask her about certain things that I was supposed to say, and I didn’t know what it meant.”
2005:
Engagement: Boris proposed to Nicole, marking a significant step in their relationship.
Marriage: The couple tied the knot on May 21, 2005, in an intimate ceremony in Gundelfingen, Germany, Boris's homeland. Kodjoe and Parker exchanged vows in his hometown of Gundelfingen, Germany, in 2005 at a 900-year-old venue. They told People, “We walked from the church to his Oma's house, and it was literally like we were Hansel and Gretel. I thought I was in a storybook.” The newlyweds arrived at the church in a horse and carriage donning traditional German garb.
First Child: The couple welcomed their first child, Sophie Tei-Naaki Lee Kodjoe, who was born with spina bifida. Her condition inspired their advocacy for health awareness.
2006:
Advocacy Work: Boris and Nicole became active in raising awareness about spina bifida and supporting families with children who have special needs. “We have gone through so many different emotional levels with Sophie,” Boris told PEOPLE. “We had the fear of her dying to paralysis. All kinds of different monsters attacked us.” The couple's personal journey led them to establish the Sophie's Voice Foundation.
The organization's mission is to increase awareness about spina bifida and generate financial support for a groundbreaking new surgical procedure trial.
2007:
Second Child: Their son, Nicolas Neruda Kodjoe, was born, completing their family. In 2015, Boris celebrated his baby boy on Instagram saying, “You brighten up the sky for us every single day. When God sought me out to be your dad he blessed me with so much love and light. I'm honored and excited to be in your presence and to witness the evolution of Nico.”
2010s:
Power Couple Status: Nicole and Boris became known as a Hollywood power couple, balancing their thriving careers with family life and public appearances. They often shared insights into their marriage and parenting on social media and in interviews. The Real House Husbands of Hollywood alum shared this advice, “[Treat] your wife like she's still your girlfriend. You have to water the plant every day, not just once a week. [Give her] surprises, little gifts, notes, texts, flowers. Just little things, but do them consistently."
Nicole Ari Parker and Boris Kodjoe in 2010.
Jean Baptiste Lacroix/WireImage
2015:
10th Wedding Anniversary: The couple celebrated a decade of marriage, frequently sharing their gratitude for each other in public forums.
To celebrate, Nicole shared a love letter in German (that we have translated in English) to her forever love:
You are EVERYTHING
Corinthians said it would be.
Patient
Kind
Free of envy
Does not boast
Humble
Not easily angered
Keeping no record of wrongs.
You protect, trust and persevere.
You are EVERYTHING your fans think you are.
Ridiculously fine.
With clothes.
Without.
Takes care of his kids.
Good to his wife.
Respects his Mama.
Handles his business.
You are EVERYTHNG I ever hoped for
Strong.
Deep.
Kind.
Connected to his Spirit.
Funny.
Smells good. (heyy)
Travel companion
Focused on what matters.
Provider.
Good father.
King.
Together we have filled a decade with
Laughter and adventure,
Tears and trials,
Kids and chaos,
Deep connections and communication breakdowns,
Fried Chicken and schnitzel…
Holding each other up and having each other’s back all along the way.
I am so blessed to call you my husband for these past 10 years
and I am so ready for 10 more.
Truly, Madly, Deeply, Your Nicole.
2018:
Fitness Venture: Nicole and Boris launched KOFIT, a wellness app focused on fitness and healthy living, showcasing their shared passion for holistic health. Nicole and Boris Kodjoe's fitness app aims to help families prioritize health and wellness without sacrificing precious time. The app offers quick and easy exercises and meditations that can be completed in as little as five minutes per day, making it accessible for busy families.
The app features instructional videos led by the fit couple themselves, along with contributions from Boris' brother Pat, a certified personal trainer, and his wife, a seasoned yoga practitioner. The Kodjoe-Parker children also make appearances in the app, adding a fun and engaging element for families to enjoy together.
2019:
In a 2019 interview with PEOPLE, Nicole Ari Parker and Boris Kodjoe expressed their admiration for each other. “He's exactly who his persona is, kind, loves being a husband and father. An incredible human being who thinks of others. He's just authentically good.” Boris added, "She's drop-dead, smashingly gorgeous and sexy. She's intelligent. She's confident. The fact that she's so comfortable with who she is, that to me is everything."
Nicole Ari Parker, Boris Kodjoe, and family in 2019.
Rachel Murray/Getty Images for City Year Los Angeles
2020:
Lockdown Life: During the COVID-19 pandemic, the couple’s humorous social media posts about their relationship resonated with fans. Nicole jokingly complained about Boris not flirting with her, sparking a viral discussion about romance in long-term marriages.
2022:
Marriage Wisdom: They shared their secrets with Ebonyto keeping the spark alive in their relationship after nearly two decades, emphasizing communication, mutual respect, and adaptability. The couple attributes “kissing for no reason, surprise daycations, and spiritual check-ins” as tried-and-true tips for keeping the fire alive in your relationship throughout all of the chaos.
2023:
In February 2023, the couple revitalized Gymwrap, Parker's athleisure brand. Originally conceived by the actress years prior as a solution for workout headbands, the brand has since expanded under Parker and Kodjoe's leadership to include a wider range of accessories, jackets, tops, and leggings.
"I admire her and her brain for how creative she is and the ideas that she comes up with. I'm in awe when I just watch her navigate these kinds of environments," Boris shared with PEOPLE. The family collaborated to relaunch the brand, with Sophie contributing her production and photography skills.
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Featured image by Kevin Tachman/amfAR/Getty Images for amfAR