Disappointed With How This Year Has Gone? I've Got A Few Suggestions.
Recently, while having a conversation with a friend who is currently going through the PTSD of a divorce, one of the things that they kept saying over and over is, "I'm just so disappointed in myself." If you've read my content, even a little bit, then you know that I am pretty word-specific and so I gave that statement — one that is pretty common when you really stop to think about it — quite a bit of thought. Although I think a lot of people feel that being disappointed in themselves (or someone else) means that they feel bad about something that they said or done, the word actually means "to fail to fulfill the expectations or wishes of" and "to defeat the fulfillment of (hopes, plans, etc.); thwart; frustrate."
And while, on the surface, that might seem like I'm splitting hairs, when you factor in the lead quote, I'm actually…not. Sometimes, no matter how much you tried to make something work, it doesn't and that shouldn't result in you beating up yourself; it simply means you should learn how to manage your expectations better. For instance, when it comes to a relationship that's gone sour, if you really did give your all (be honest with yourself on that, by the way) and you expected things to last long-term, you've still got to factor in things like another person's free will, changes of circumstance and you possibly not being on the same page as your partner was/is.
See what I mean? While I'm not the person who lives by the motto "expect nothing and you'll never be disappointed" (because it sounds like a jaded or bitter person made that up), I am someone who thinks that we should not get so frustrated with ourselves — again, especially to the point that we beat ourselves up — when what we hoped for didn't exactly pan out. Instead, I think there are other far more productive and beneficial ways to utilize that energy. Here are seven of them.
1. Do Some Journaling
As a writer, I'm sure it's no shock to you that I'm a pretty big fan of journaling. Aside from the fact that it's a great way to plan out goals and improve your writing skills, journaling is proven to also help you to de-stress, get your thoughts together and track your progress. That said, sometimes, when we're disappointed about something and all we do is keep going over it again and again in our minds, it can be hard to make sense of the internal chaos — it can be challenging to separate feelings from facts and what you should "own" and what you shouldn't. That's why I definitely recommend that you do some journaling when you're in this kind of headspace because it can help you to vent and then see things from a much clearer perspective after you do.
Chile, there have been many things that I've been disappointed about yet because I put the date (and even the time) on my entries, it has been freeing like a mug to look back every few months to see how all things indeed worked together for the good. So yeah, journal about what has truly disappointed you before the year concludes. It's never (ever) for naught.
2. Have the “Hard” Conversations
Anyone who knows me (and only I would know that; check out "5 Signs You Really Know A Person") knows that ghosting is totally not my style. If anything, I'm someone who is going to communicate ad nauseam, just to make sure that folks are crystal clear about where I am coming from. For me, that means that whether we decide to work things out — personally or professionally — or we choose to part ways, you know exactly where I'm coming from and how I feel about the ultimate decision that has been made. This resolves confusion and where the confusion is lacking, peace can dwell.
Whether it's from counseling, observation, or personal experience, I honestly think that 8 times outta 10, ghosting either comes out of fear or cowardice. Because it's literally running from a situation and not dealing with it. To me, having the hard conversations is actually what makes it easier to feel like something is worth fighting for or that it's worth releasing because all of the feelings, on both sides, are out on the table.
For instance, I know someone who has a pretty dysfunctional relationship with her mother. Yet she vents to everyone and their grandma but her mom. As a direct result, over the years, nothing has really changed. She keeps telling me how disappointed she is yet she's in her 30s at this point and so I'm like, "You claim your mom is not meeting your expectations while assuming she should know what they are. That's your bad." Holding someone captive because of what you trumped up in your mind without giving them a heads up is no one's fault but your own. If you're that shook up — don't run. Deal. Ghosting doesn't accomplish that. Discussing does.
3. Forgive Yourself
I don't know what it is about this year, in particular, that caused so many people to either tweet or state that a definition of self-care is to forgive someone and never speak to them again. Every time that statement crosses my path, all I think is, "Gee, I hope folks can handle being forgiven in the way that they choose to forgive others." Because, if you've got even an ounce of humility in you, you know that the time is going to come, sooner than later, when you're going to need someone to forgive you — and the way you forgive has an uncanny way of boomeranging.
Besides, the more you learn about the purpose and benefits of forgiving other people (check out "Are You A 'Bad Forgiver'? Read This And See."), the more you want to do it. Trust me. You know, folks who claim that they don't believe in forgiving other people? Oftentimes, whether they realize it or not, they are putting out on front street, just how bad they are at extended mercy and grace — not to others but to themselves. And when you're so hard on you that you can't pardon yourself for when you did what humans do — mess up — that's a pretty miserable way to live; not just when it comes to you dealing with yourself but the people who try and walk out life with you as well. Self-forgiveness is necessary for this life. Be intentional as possible about doing it.
4. Come Up with a Personal Expectations-Related Mission Statement
Honey, I'm all about creating a mission statement. Again, because I'm a writer, I'm pretty sure that some of the reason is a little bit of an occupational hazard. At the same time, though, I like them because they remind me to be concise when it comes to figuring out an overall mission that I want to accomplish. And so, if you're someone who is either trying to shake a particular disappointment or protect yourself from becoming more disappointed in the future, it can never hurt to jot down a paragraph or two about what you will commit to, moving forward, when it comes to effectively managing your expectations — what you will do to make sure that they are realistic, how much you will invest into trying to manifest them and how you will evoke self-care if things don't go as planned.
Because here's the thing — while there are many factors that play a direct role in how expectations, wishes, and hopes come to be, when they don't go as you wish, with a mission statement in tow, you actually have more control over your disappointment than you might actually think. Because the more realistic you are, the more you're aware that you become of the fact that you can only control what you can control, and the more you're willing to love on yourself when you did your best and things went another way, the easier it will be to move on from said disappointment…so that you can thrive in another direction.
5. Don’t Wait until 1/1. (That’s a Joke.)
You wanna know an underrated sign of being a procrastinator? It's when you tell yourself that next year is when you'll make some real changes in your life? Lawd, let's all release the shackles of honestly thinking that something special happens between 12/31 and 1/1 because, really, when it's all said and done, it's just another day. And since you still have a few weeks before the New Year even starts, there's no time like the present to get a leg up on doing some things that will totally change the narrative, come this time next year.
It's actually with this point in mind that I penned, "Why Fall Is The Perfect Time To Prep For The New Year" for the site last year. Oh, and while you're at it, check out "12 Monthly Self-Love Themes That Will Make This Your Best Year Yet." Devoting the rest of this year to reflecting on all of the wishes unfulfilled that you had really doesn't make a lot of sense. However, shifting that time, effort, and energy into putting some short- and long-term goals together and then working on them, right here and right now? That is the kind of mentality that will put disappointment right in its place — far, far away from you.
6. Remember That You’ve Still Got Time
As a doula, it's not uncommon for a woman in her early 30s to talk to me about her ticking clock (check out "Tick Tock: How To Get Over The Fear Of Your Biological Clock"). Whenever that happens, something that I say, pretty much every time, is I've had several clients, well into their late 40s, who've had healthy and happy babies. My point? Disappointment will have you so distraught that you'll think that there is nothing past the moment that you're in when that couldn't be further from the truth.
So long as you've got breath in your body, you've got time. Time to start that business. Time to get into your dream relationship or job. Time to make that house or car purchase. Time to be a better friend to the current or even the next people who come into your life. Time to get into shape. Time to conceive a child. Time to love yourself more and better. A great remedy for disappointment is honoring your time by not wallowing in it. This is something else that I can personally attest to.
7. Focus on the Good
Author Mike Hawkins once said, "You don't get results by focusing on results. You get results by focusing on the actions that produce results." Author Napoleon Hill once said, "Focus on the possibilities for success, not the potential for failure." Another wise person once said, "When you're focused on the good, the good gets better." Focus on your actions. Focus on your possibilities. Focus on the good. Disappointment doesn't want you to do any of this yet when you push through its barriers and choose to do these things instead, you'll be absolutely amazed by how bigger your world is than your disappointment, how much you've got to be thankful for beyond your disappointment and how much you can still accomplish outside of your disappointment.
Disappointments? They come and go to us all. Yet the more intentional you are about giving it less time and energy (than usual), the easier it will be to get through and past them. You and your time are so precious so, sis, please make sure that you do.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at firstname.lastname@example.org. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
An author by the name of Alexandra Katehakis once said this about orgasms: “Great spiritual teachers throughout the ages have stated that orgasm is the closest some people come to a spiritual experience because of the momentary loss of self. Why is this true? Because with spiritual sex, you move beyond orgasm into a connection with yourself, your partner, and the divine — recognizing them all as one.”
If it’s counterintuitive to what you’ve ever thought about orgasms, believe it or not, there are even pastors who have said that climaxing is the closest comprehension of heaven on this side of it: it is an extreme kind of bliss that is indescribable and is best experienced between two people who share a sacrificial kind of love for one another.
Although this might seem like a heavy way to intro this particular topic, because the O Method is an orgasm-achieving technique that centers around housing energy, embracing the mental practice of manifestation, and the attempt to achieve the best climaxes ever — it all works together pretty well if you ask me. If you want to take your orgasms to the next level, it’s important that you get out of yourself (to a certain extent), that you see the spiritual role that manifestation plays, and that you are open to trying new things. No doubt about it.
So, let’s learn more about what the O Method is all about and how it very well could be just what you’ve been looking for…even if you didn’t know it.
What Is the “O Method” All About?Giphy
Question: When’s the last time you’ve had an orgasm? Not just any orgasm — I mean a really mind-blowing one (I’ll give you a second to think about it). Now, what if you could manifest that experience to the point where it wasn’t a rare occurrence but something that happened almost every time that you and your partner had sex with each other? How absolutely awesome would that be?
That is pretty much what the O Method is all about — helping you achieve the kind of orgasms (and sexual pleasure, in general) that you desire through the practice of manifestation. And since your biggest sex organ is your brain, it would make perfect sense that even with all of the tips and techniques that you might learn to do as far as your body is concerned, honing in on what you think about is super imperative to sexual fulfillment, too. And that’s just where manifestation comes in.
What If You’ve Never “Manifested” Anything Before?Giphy
Before we get into a quick lesson on manifestation, I think it’s important to mention two things. One, for the cynics, there is a lot of truth in the fact that it’s got some solid spiritual basis to it because even the Good Book says that as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he (Proverbs 23:7). At the same time, that same Good Book tells us that faith without works is dead (James 2:14-26). So, while it is always a good idea to focus on good, positive, and productive thoughts, just thinking about them isn’t enough — at some point, you’ve also gotta get out here and DO something (bookmark that).
Okay, with that mini-sermon out of the way, whether it’s in the bedroom or not, manifestation is basically about focusing on something tangible that you desire, harnessing your energy in such a way that your words and actions are directed towards that longing until what you want, well, manifests. For the record, aside from this having a spiritual backing to it, in many ways, science cosigns on manifesting, too. There is actually a scientific process known as neuroplasticity that consists of reframing your mind so that your actions ultimately end up aligning with your goals — and that is another way to look at manifestation.
So, what if you’re someone who has never set out to do a manifestation practice before? No worries. Something that’s awesome about it is there are several different approaches that you can take.
Some people manifest what they want in their lives via:
- Visualization/Creating vision boards
- Writing down their desires before going to bed (so that they can “download” them into their dream state)
- Creating mantras and affirmations
- Applying the 369 Manifestation Method (you can learn more about that here)
- Learning more about what you want to manifest (which brings forth clarity)
This is important to keep in mind because, when it comes to manifesting the types of orgasms that you want to have, as you can see, you can try different manifestation methods until you find one (or ones) that you are truly comfortable with. One that can ease you into the entire process rather smoothly is something known as sex journaling.
How Sex Journaling Can Actually Help You to Have an OrgasmGiphy
As a writer, I’m a big fan of journaling. Mostly because it’s a way to get out some of your deepest thoughts and feelings so that you’re able to really process what is happening inside of you in a private setting. And when it comes to sex journaling, specifically, it’s all about centering yourself on the things sexually that you want to “unpack,” get clarity on or come to some revelations about. For instance, if there’s only been one partner from your past who’s been able to help you achieve the type of orgasms that you wish to manifest, journaling about what makes him different from the other guys can provide you with some solid ah-ha moments.
Or if you need help getting as specific as possible about the sexual experiences that you’re after, journaling can help to make that happen for you — because one thing that manifesting reminds us all to do is be as specific as possible.
Yeah, simply saying, “I want to have better sex” isn’t detailed enough when you want to get your energy to match with your desires — instead, describe how all of your senses should feel in the experience, along with why, that can get you so much closer to achieving your goal. Once those things are documented, you can segue into creating mantras and/or meditation that are based on them. Yeah, sex journaling really is an underrated superpower on a lot of levels (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”).
5 Tips for Making the O Method Work for YouGiphy
Now that you know more about what the O Method is and how manifestation plays a direct role in its process, let’s talk about five ways to make the O Method truly effective in your own (sex) life.
1. Focus, FULLY, on your feminine energy. What do rose quartz, amethyst, moonstone (which is a Gemini birthstone as well; yes, I’m a Gemini), selenite, and rhodonite all have in common? They’re crystals that help you to go deeper into your divine feminine energy. Traits that are associated with this include compassion, creativity, kindness, gentleness, and sensuality (feminine energy is also accepting and forgiving). If you were to study energy from a biological standpoint, it’s about producing change, responding to stimuli, and having the ability to do what needs to be done (work). So, when it comes to manifesting the kind of orgasms or sexual experiences that you want, using things like your creativity and gentleness in your thoughts and actions can play a role in bringing balance to your partner’s masculinity, which can create a profound sense of pleasure — after all, opposites do attract.
2. Don’t hold back on what it is that you desire. Whenever I interview sex therapists, something that they all say is, a huge mistake that people make as far as sexual satisfaction is concerned is, they have walls up — not just with their partners but even within themselves. Sometimes, there is intimidation, fear, or even shame around what they really want to happen during sex to the point where they aren’t able to channel their energy fully in those directions in order to manifest what they want. For the O Method to work, you can’t let those types of negative emotions hinder you; the more you are able to articulate what you want and how you want it, the better chance you have of making it happen. So yes, get graphic. As graphic as possible.
3. Make manifestation a daily practice. Repetition is important when it comes to manifestation. That’s because the more you declare what you desire (a mantra), get still and think on it (meditation), or look at the “art” that you’ve created surrounding it (visualization), the quicker it becomes a part of you. So yes, make manifestation a daily practice. For instance, if one of your mantras is, “I am going to have intensely passionate orgasms, one right after the other,” don’t just state that 15 minutes before sex is going to happen. Wake up and declare it. Then say it on your lunch break. And again before turning in. The more your thoughts are “streamlined” in this way, the easier it will be for your body to follow suit.
4. Share this practice with your partner. If you were to do even more research on the O Method, one thing that most of the articles will mention is it’s a practice that you can do alone or with your partner. Indeed. However, I just want to make sure that you get into your psyche that great sex is, in part, about good communication. And so, the more comfortable you are sharing with your partner what you are doing as far as the O Method is concerned and what you ultimately want to happen as a result of the practice, the easier it will be for him to “match your energy” — both in and out of the bedroom. And when your partner is on the same page as you? That definitely increases the chances of attaining your sexual desires — exponentially so.
5. Stay in the moment. While I was reading one article on manifestation, I really appreciated something that the author said: manifestation isn’t some supernatural power. In other words, while it can be beneficial, it’s not like you can just think of something, and it instantly appears out of nowhere. Manifesting is a discipline, and it must be accompanied by action, consistency, and patience — this means that you must also practice mindfulness. Meaning, now that you know better what you’re looking to achieve as far as sex is concerned, every time that it transpires, maintain a level of positive energy, remember what your end goal is, and then determine in your mind to enjoy the moments as they come. Remember, manifestation isn’t to add stress…it’s to cultivate clarity.
At the end of the day, the O Method is simply a way of reminding you that your mind plays a huge role in your sexual pleasure, and when you channel it and your energy exactly where you want them both to go, you’ll be amazed what your body is capable of doing…and accomplishing.
So, what kind of orgasm are you wanting to achieve? You’ve got a tool to get you there. USE IT.
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Featured image by Giphy