A significant part of my journey has been finding my way to healing. I looked for signs in activities or other people to tell me that I would be better soon. I relied on finding that one hobby, that one job, or that one true love so that I could forget about what I was holding on to. But that's the point, the pain I felt was still there.
The truth is, when I depended on people or activities to keep me distracted, it just led to disappointment.
When I was tired of being disappointed, I was ready to give up. However, while "giving up" is frowned upon, so is letting go of control. Ultimately, it took stopping and being present in the moment to find my way back to me. I had to realize I had zero control at all. I couldn't continue to live in the past or the future, I had to live in the now. That is the act of surrender.
Of course, everyone's surrendering is different, but from my experience, surrender has taught me three lessons that I needed to take myself to higher levels.
1.Get Uncomfortable As Hell
awkward erm GIF by DyoGiphyWhether you are busy in your 9-5, trying to find your next passion, or simply lack interest in anything your life currently offers, you might be in a routine rut. You've become familiar with what feels good to you and what you have tolerated. You've become so content with specific environments and people that you have created your own sense of "normal". To put it in three words, you are comfortable.
Well, let me tell you, surrendering is going to be one of the most uncomfortable things you are going to experience in your damn life.
Growing up, I was the good girl who followed the rules, and trying new things was not something I looked for often. Why? Because I was comfortable. Fast forward to 15 years later; I still enjoyed being comfortable until I didn't. What people don't tell you is that surrendering is not something you do to clear your mind and go back to old habits, surrendering is a wake-up call. It is instability at its finest. It is a way for you to reintroduce yourself to yourself.
2.All Questions Do Not Need Answer
music video question GIFGiphyOnce you begin to feel how uncomfortable unraveling yourself can be, questions start to come up. You even start having conversations with yourself. You begin to question parts of your childhood, your family, how you react to situations, who is in your inner circle, your love life, why certain things just so happen to keep repeating themselves, etc.
However, you will learn that through surrendering, it is not about getting all the answers; it's about letting go of all the questions. Sometimes if we don't understand something or see a logical explanation for it, our anxiety takes over and we fear not knowing. If I feel "not knowing" is a threat to my well-being in a way, I become obsessed with finding answers. Well, surrendering is a way to shut all that shit down. Imagine my little curious self saying, "Wait, so the answer to this question is that there is no answer?"
Having unanswered questions is part of the imbalance. When you get to a point where there is no need to have answers, you can accept the mysteries of what life entails. You can accept that it is no longer your responsibility to understand everything. You can follow the WHAT, while not understanding the WHY. And that is OK.
3.Commit To Yourself
Happy Dance GIF by SHAVONE.GiphyYou are the only one in this experience right now. You only have you to depend on, and that is the scary part. As you become more aware of who you are, you have to choose to have faith in your tomorrow self while working on your today self, who is still as lost as yesterday's self. Surrendering is about taking those unanswered questions and being present in the moment.
To resurface your purpose and redefine yourself, you must believe in the amazingness that already lives within you. You are not striving to find what makes you great, but watering what has already been planted. Surrendering is going to help you tap into the God parts of you and connect you to your powerful abilities that were suppressed from the outside world.
When I decided to commit to myself, it became unmatched to any other relationship I made in the future. Why? Because when you "give up" on expectations while never giving up on yourself, that is where the magic of surrendering lies. Will there be times when you feel like you have failed at surrendering? Yes. Will you still give yourself permission to get back up and surrender again? Absolutely.
When you get to that day, after learning everything that your own surrendering has taught you, you will look back and say to yourself, "This was the best decision I have ever made!"
Featured image by Shutterstock
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When I asked a few women I know if they ever tried that before, I was surprised to discover that not only had they, but many didn’t treat it as some random social media fad — they actually still do it to this day. Partly, because it’s fun to them and partly because their partner(s) seem to go crazy for it.
Listen, any time something sexual works like a charm, I’m going to shout it out — (late) trend or not. And so, if you’ve never heard of the whole coconut thing, you tried it and forgot all about it, or you just want to try something new/different/else tonight — here’s a reminder, in article form, that coconut-ting is still alive and well, y’all. And the men are all about it!
But First, The Grapefruit Technique
Video Credit: Myem/YouTube (Funny part starts at 2:40)
If this woman is not familiar to you on sight, you ain’t a real one. LOL. Although I know that a lot of people think that the concept of grapefruiting came from the movie Girls Trip (you can see the clip from the film here) that absolutely is not the case. Auntie Angel (whose real name is reportedly Denise Walker) is the creator of the Grapefruit Technique and although I thought that this video came out way earlier, apparently it made its way onto the YouTube streets sometime back in 2014.
If for some reason, you’re not familiar with grapefruiting on any level, I will tell you right now that I had to download this video because it is absolutely NSFW — so you should probably watch it on your lunch break (on your phone with the volume as low as possible) or at home…because chile, the sound effects? Whew, the sound effects. LOL. However, when I sat down to pen this piece, I thought it was hilarious that this video is what immediately came to mind because it seems like, when it comes to “blow his mind sex hacks,” fruit is constantly on the menu.
When it comes to oral sex, it’s grapefruit.
When it comes to ride ‘em cowgirl, it’s a coconut.
What Is the “Coconut” Sex Trend?
@windy_moraba #duet with @mysteri0us.gir1 spell coconut with your waist 😂😂😂
Okay, so what in the world does a coconut have to do with intercourse? Well, for starters, if you and your partner are looking for an all-natural lubricant, coconut oil works well. HOWEVER, do keep in mind that the disclaimer on this is you shouldn’t use it if condoms are in the mix because they can actually cause rubbers to be less effective (silicone lube is a solid bet for condoms, by the way).
There is another way that coconuts are kinda-sorta incorporated when it comes to making sex more pleasurable — and it actually became pretty popular right after COVID lockdown (2021): spelling C-O-C-O-N-U-T with your hips while you’re on top of your partner.
It’s wild how I forgot all about this until a client of mine was telling me how much her husband liked her on top while it wasn’t her favorite thing to do because it felt awkward to her. When I said, “Have you ever heard of spelling ‘coconut’ with your hips before?” — at first, she looked at me like I was crazy and then she busted out laughing: “Girl, no” was her reply.
Hmph. Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it because, as wild as it might sound on the surface, the word isn’t the point so much as the movements that come with spelling it out are.
When you’re moving your pelvis around to make a “c,” “o” or U-turn, not only does it intensify the level of sensation that both you and your partner feel during intercourse, it can also increase the level of blood circulation to both of your genitalia which can make your orgasms more satisfying too.
At the end of the day, spelling “coconut” is simply reminding you that there are more options to riding than simply sitting there while your partner pumps for all he’s worth or you humping up and down like you’re on a pogo stick.
Spelling “coconut” is an easy hack to bring some variety into cowgirling. However…
Honestly, the “Fruit” Isn’t the Point. THIS IS.
GiphyFrom grapefruiting and spelling “coconut” to reading articles that I’ve penned for the platform like “How To Improve The Taste Of Sperm” — fruit and sex are always going to be a winning combination, one way or another. However, the main point of this article isn’t about making sure that you are a master speller so much as providing you with tips that will make the cowgirl position something that you are confident about and you find a ton of fulfillment in doing.
You can make both of these things happen by incorporating the following things:
Stretch beforehand. A charley horse during sex is the worst thing ever — and chile, don’t let it be right before you’re about to climax. SMDH. Yeah, if you want to feel more comfortable when you’re on top, make sure that you stretch beforehand and that you are well-hydrated. That will reduce the chances of experiencing a totally-out-of-nowhere muscle spasm — whether you decide to “spell” during sex or…not.
Bring pillows into the mix. Sometimes riding is a challenge because your partner feels farther away from your body than you would like. Putting a pillow underneath him can help to elevate his pelvis, so that you don’t feel like you’re stretching and straining. Speaking of pillows, a longer one can really come in handy because it can give your knees some additional support as well.
Also, ask him to put his knees up. Speaking of making the “grind” easier for you, ask your partner to put his knees up. That way, your back can recline on his legs as you’re moving your hips around. You’d be amazed how much this one hack can do for you. Straight up.
Add lube. When you get a chance, check out “The Wetter, The Better: 10 Creative Ways To Use Lubricant” and you will automatically see why bringing lubrication into a cowgirl session is an absolute must. It reduces friction. It makes your movements glide with ease. And it’s just more fun. Promise you that.
Lean in. If your partner happens to be on the larger side of life, one way that you can control his depth is by leaning forward into him. That way, your hips can better control how much or little he is inside of you, so that you can get into a position that gives you the sensation that you are looking for.
Get him to multitask. Again, whether you are spelling “coconut” or not and whether you are riding cowgirl or reverse cowgirl — something that is awesome about being on top is it frees your partner’s hands to do, umm, other things. And since it is so much easier to have an orgasm while your clitoris is being stimulated, get your partner to put some of the lube that we discussed earlier on his fingertips, so that he can gently rub on your clitoris while you are riding him. It doesn’t get much better than that!
Don’t wanna spell? Hula Hoop then. What if you try the whole coconut thing and it’s not a favorite for you (or him)? No problem — when’s the last time that you hula hooped? Pretend that you have one of those around your hips and move around that way. I’d be shocked if you ended up feeling “meh” about that option.
5 Guys Tell Me What They Love When Their Partner Is on Top
GiphyA part of the reason why I am “team cowgirl” is because it provides a lot of benefits to the woman: she has more control, it tends to be more comfortable for her, it’s a great position for a quickie and the orgasms tend to be that much more — wonderful. However, as I was thinking about spelling coconut, in general, I couldn’t help but wonder what guys thought about it and the cowgirl position overall.
If you’re curious, here’s what five of ‘em said.
1. Braxford. Engaged. 35. “Y’all be spelling up there? Who knew? My favorite thing about when my fiancée is on top is what I think every man likes: the view. It’s a chance to see her entire body and experience it at the same time. Not even doggy style accomplishes that. Damn, where’s my lady at?”
2. Denez. Single. 42. “Do you know how many ‘spots’ you have access to when y’all are on top? Breasts are in my mouth. Hickeys are on her neck. Prop my head up on a pillow and her tummy is getting licked. When a woman is riding you, it’s sensory overload! It’s crazy how each one looks amazing in that position too.”
3. Omar. In a Serious Relationship. 29. “[He said her name yet I’m not going to share it] isn’t a very vocal lover. Her body and technique are insane, so even though I love dirty talk, I’ve learned to compromise — except when she’s on top. She’s not saying much but those moans? And yeah, we tried the coconut thing. ‘Cs’ and ‘Os,’ hell yeah. ‘Ns’ and “Ts’? Nah.”
4. Nolen. Single. 45. “45 isn’t old but it’s old enough for your back to show out on you when you least expect it. My experience has been that women don’t want a lot of thrusting when they are on top, so it’s like having some of the best sex without having to do much at all. Well, aside from trying not to bust too quickly. I take that back: riding is easy on the body; it’s work on the brain.”
5. Ivan. Married. 37. “I like the spelling sh-t because it switches things up. We make a game out of it by her picking a word and spelling out while I try and guess what it is. We also try to see how many words that we can get to before one of us cums. 12 words is pushing it unless it’s like ‘dog’ or ‘cat’ or something. I’ve guessed ‘coconut’ a few times and I get what the excitement is all about. Spelling bee sex: try it.”
Yep. I concur.
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