How The Rise Of Perfectionism Is Stunting Your Growth
I overheard a group of women in the locker room as I was getting changed for my usual lunchtime workout session. One complained after weighing herself for what she claimed was the fourth time in two weeks. "I still haven't lost any weight," she said. "I'm not coming back."
From the outside looking in – me being a stranger and all – it appeared that her imperfect results had inspired her to quit the gym altogether. It seemed as though the process of getting fit was too taxing and possibly just taking too long for her. I don't know how long she had been coming to the gym prior to this conversation with her and her friends, but apparently it wasn't working out how she had planned.
I, however, walked into the gym with a different mindset:
Progress, not perfection.
Too often, we want to get things right the first time we try. We want to go in and be perfect. We want to create and be perfect. We want the perfect end result and the perfect time to align them and manifest nothing but perfection. And we'd rather do nothing than settle for anything less than that.
We quit, or never even start, because the time isn't perfect, or the perfect results aren't immediate. We choose not to produce, or complete what we're creating, because we're held up by an idea of perfectionism that doesn't always align with the work we're producing. For many of us, it's either perfection or failure – there is no middle ground.
But we forget the most important part: It's our progress, not our perfection, which gets results. It's what we produce, not how perfect we produce it. While yes, we want to do things well, we cannot allow our desire to do things perfectly stop us from doing things at all.
We can't continue to excuse our inactivity by suggesting that the moments, or circumstances, we currently have aren't perfect enough to manifest greatness. The weather is too cold to go for a run, so we don't. The job isn't right to start setting the stage for better professional opportunities, so we don't. The camera we have isn't perfect for starting a photography career, so instead, we do nothing. The website isn't nice enough, so we don't advertise it. We constantly run from our goals because we feel that the hand we're dealt isn't conducive to the dreams we have. We feel that, if we had a little more money, time, resources – you know, the "perfect" circumstance – then we could really get to work. But in allowing ourselves to stay stagnant because of imperfection, we're doing a disservice to ourselves and those we're meant to serve with our gift.
Instead of striving for perfection, we should be striving for progress.
The truth is, our idea of perfection will constantly evolve as we do. But you may never get there if you don't start somewhere. If you keep allowing your perfection – or lack thereof – to handicap your progress, you will never do or experience anything.
Spiritually, we are people of flaws, and those flaws will present themselves in our behaviors and our creations – especially as we tackle them for the first time. However, that imperfection should not stop us from getting things done.
So, instead of waiting for the perfect time or stressing about creating the perfect product, commit yourself to making progress. To get it done well – not perfectly. To take one step forward of starting to complete tasks on your to-do list(s). To accomplish one more thing off your list of goals. To grow, or learn, or do a bit more in all aspects of your life. Because as each day passes, you'll be one step closer to where you want to be.
If we remember that it is our steps that bring us to growth and completion, not our perfection, we will better position ourselves for greatness.
New things, or trying them, will never be perfect. They will require you to stumble and fall sometimes. They are every part of trial and error that perfectionism can't stand. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't do those new things; it just means that you should welcome imperfection.
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Zoe Hunter is the writer, speaker, and creator behind the women empowerment brand DEAR QUEENS. She uses vulnerability, storytelling, and spiritual development to empower women toward healthy decision-making. Stay connected to Zoe's work by visiting DEARQUEENS.com or following her on Twitter @zDEARQUEENS.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LISTÂ HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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