What Michelle Obama Taught Us About Becoming More Than Just Somebody's Wife
Whenever our forever First Lady Michelle Obama speaks, we listen…but if you're like me, then you pack a journal and take notes. This is exactly what I did recently when I attended Michelle Obama's "#IAmBecoming" tour in Atlanta.
I -- along with my mother and more than 20,000 people "dressed to the nines" -- pressed our way into the arena like we were on a mission to go see the Queen (which, for many of us, she basically is our Queen). The energy was electrifying from the time we arrived until the time she exited the stage and even as we departed and headed back to our designated cars. We were so excited just to get a picture next to her life-size posters and banners that were strategically placed throughout the arena.
Related: Michelle Obama Says If You're Looking For A Barack, Try Not Looking So Hard
Often times, we refer to or classify her marriage to President Barack Obama as "#RelationshipGoals" or "#BlackLove" – something that she is very much aware of. For many of us, they provide hope; an awe-inspiring example and vision of love for those who aspire to experience something like that. While Michelle is humbled and appreciative of the titles associated with her and Barack, she candidly acknowledged that love and marriage is hard work no matter who you are.
One thing we love most about Michelle is the fact that we see so much of ourselves in her because of her transparency and authenticity. And this occasion made it even that much more apparent especially when she shared - so eloquently and honestly - some gems and insights about love and marriage.
1.“You don’t have to aspire to just be the wind beneath someone’s wing…Prioritize yourself.”
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It was evident from the beginning – as an adolescent, as a Princeton and Harvard graduate, as an attorney, and even as a First Lady - that Michelle Obama believed and was committed to her personal belief that, "it's up to me to establish and define my voice." She's more than Barack Obama's wife, more than a First Lady, more than a mother, more than a daughter…she is becoming the woman she was destined to be.
During the event, Michelle revealed that at a certain season in her life, she realized that she had made everyone else a priority except for herself. She went on to share how even though she struggled with it as a wife, a mother, and career woman, "Barack had no problem with making himself a priority." He did what he wanted to do.
She, like many of us as women, realized that she needed to do the same - focus on making herself, and her self-care, a priority. As she's mentioned before, "We need to do a better job of putting ourselves higher on our to-do list." Nevertheless, she became more committed to doing things that she enjoyed as well.
Like Michelle, we too must realize that our "happiness isn't predicated on our spouse making us happy." Instead, we find happiness in the simple pleasures of life and by doing what we love, instead of expecting others to do what we aren't willing to do for ourselves.
2.“When it comes to our partners, we aren’t just reviewing their stats, but their story and their soul.”
"Barack was different for me…He made me stop and think about things." Instead of merely going through life and checking off her list, Michelle was challenged to think deeper about why she was doing what she was doing versus just checking off a list of accomplishments.
Finding the love of your life is more than just what's on paper: where did they go to school, how much money do they make, what is their social status, etc. Nevertheless, it's more about what lies beneath the surface. It's the difference between love versus lust, and romance versus intimacy. It's knowing that the other person feeds our soul more than they drain us; they help us more than they hinder us; they treat us differently and better than those who came before them.
3.“Relationships have different seasons and different chapters.”
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None of us will truly understand the peaks and valleys of being married to the President of the United States. However, anyone who has been in a relationship or has been married long enough knows that you will have ups and downs. Michelle reminded us that the "test of a marriage comes when you build things together."
So, whether we're building the relationship, bridging the two backgrounds, or building a family, we're going to have obstacles. At the end of the day, we have to be more committed to fighting for each other than against each other.
4.You can’t just “fix” someone.
It's no secret that Michelle has been open about her and Barack going to marriage counseling. During the tour, she openly shared how initially she "took Barack to counseling to fix him." Nonetheless, to her surprise, the counselor's attention soon shifted from Barack to Michelle…something she wasn't necessarily expecting. Hence, it was evident that their marriage issues weren't going to resolve if she, too, wasn't able to look within herself as well.
Obviously, we can't force anyone to change – including our spouses. Nevertheless, we can't become so obsessed with trying to better someone else that we miss the opportunity to better ourselves. Both spouses have to be willing and committed to doing the "self-work."
5.“You can’t expect your spouse to do for you what you know they won’t do.”
When Michelle described their marriage counseling, she also admitted: "I wanted him (Barack) to do for me what he wasn't going to do." The reality, however, was that Barack was doing what she already knew he would do.
So often, we expect people to do or be something different from who we already know them to be. Part of learning to truly love someone else is learning to love them for who they truly are. Real love allows you to be your real self.
6.“Don’t sit in isolation with your problems.”
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Although Michelle was referring to younger couples as well as young mothers, this tip applies to so many areas and challenges of our lives including: love, relationships, mental health, illnesses, and simply living life as a black woman.
Whether you're a woman and a mother, a wife, a girlfriend, a sister…Michelle reminded us that "we are not alone…that's why it's important to surround yourself with wisdom. We owe it to our young people to be better." No more acting like we have a perfect life, and allowing others to believe that what they're going through is uncommon. Often times, just knowing that we're not alone in our journey, and especially our struggles, can be quite comforting and can often lead us on a path towards healing.
As Michelle said, we have to "believe in the validity of who we are and have the courage to share our stories." It benefits no one when we act like we have the perfect marriage, the perfect career, or the perfect life. The more we're honest about our journey, the more we can help heal each other and encourage other women to do the same.
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Shonda Brown White is a bestselling author, blogger, life coach, and brand strategist. When she's not jumping out of a plane or zip lining, she's living the married life with her husband in Atlanta, GA. Connect with her on social @ShondaBWhite and her empowering real talk on her blog.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Megan Thee Stallion Shares Her Transformative Approach To Health And Wellness
Megan Thee Stallion is back and better than ever — both physically and mentally.
ForWomen’s Health May/June 2024 cover, the 29-year-old rapper bared all, opening up about her healing journey following the aftermath of the July 2020 shooting incident by rapper Tory Lanez.
“A lot of people didn’t treat me like I was human for a long time,” she told the publication. “I feel like everybody was always used to me being the fun and happy party girl. I watched people build me up, tear me down, and be confused about their expectations of me.”
She continued, “As a Black woman, as a darker Black woman, I also feel like people expect me to take the punches, take the beating, take the lashings, and handle it with grace. But I’m human.”
While the “Savage” artist exudes confidence through her stage presence and boisterous lyrics, behind the scenes, Megan was experiencing a silent battle with her mental health. “Before I went onstage, I would be crying half the time because I didn’t want to [perform], but I also didn’t want to upset my fans,” she says.
With pressures from the outside world piling up, Megan experienced “dark times,” that caused her to isolate from the public eye.
“I didn’t want to get [out] from under the covers,” she recalls. “I stayed in my room. I would not turn the lights on. I had blackout curtains. I didn’t want to see the sun. I knew I wasn’t myself. It took me a while to acknowledge that I was depressed. But once I started talking to a therapist, I was able to be truthful with myself.”
The “Wanna Be” rapper also details her current workout slip and diet that work hand in hand, giving her the mental clarity and stamina to perform at her highest level. For four to five days a week, Megan is locked in with one of her two trainers, Emory “Joc” Bernard and Tim Boutte, doing a variety of workouts like Pilates, running up and down sand hills at the beach, or hitting the StairMaster or elliptical for upwards of 40 minutes.
Best known for her “Megan knees,” leg day is a must — with hip thrusts, goblet squats, leg extensions, and “stallion kicks,” being included in her circuits.
With a combination of therapy, stepping away from imbalanced relationships, and daily movement, the Houston Hottie has since been able to reconnect with herself on a deeper level; putting her happiness before the opinions of others. “Working on myself made me get into working out because I needed to focus my energy somewhere else,” she shares. “I used working out to escape and to get happy.”
“I’m in a space where I feel good mentally, so I want to look as good as I feel.”
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