Michelle Obama Says If You Are Looking For A Barack, You Should Try Not Looking So Damn Hard
With the recent debut of Michelle Obama's hit memoir Becoming, intimate details were shared about the love story between her and Barack.
If you had the opportunity to finish the book, you may be disappointed at the lack of hot and steamy recollections of their earlier years (okay, maybe it's just me but can you blame me?! Michelle and Barack are so attractive). However, Michelle made sure to drop some gems in the form of dating advice for us single ladies looking to find our Mr. Right.
If you don't know by now, Barack was not even Michelle's type, as she mentored him while working at a prestigious law firm at the time and saw him as a brilliant yet eccentric opposite, placing him in squarely the friend zone. Not the "Oh, I'll put him on the back burner" friend zone, but the land of no return friend zone. She even tried to hook him up with other friends.
However, the universe was not having that, and after some more time of friendship, fun, and getting acquainted with each other's true selves and values, the two came to recognize the spark that had been ignited between them.
Michelle explained live at her Boston book tour stop recently:
"Falling in love all over the place. I fell hard and fast and deep and quick, but we still didn't marry until we got to know each other...So by the end of that summer, Barack had told me that he loved me. Brothas, another thing, do not play games! He wasn't playing games."
She continued:
"That was another thing! He was like, 'I love you, let's figure this out.' It wasn't like, 'Well, I'm trying to do these kinds of things.' Trust me, I had plenty of that, people just trying to keep their options open. I was sick of that. Barack was like, 'Nope, this is who I am, this is what I think we want. Let's give it a shot.' He was clear, gentlemen. He. Was. Clear."
There you have it, ladies! While you are trying to act like you didn't hear the part when your crush says, "I'm not looking for anything serious," or "I would love to see where this goes," Michelle says you shouldn't let a man get the best of you when he already gave a clear indication that he wants to keep his options open.
It is tempting to wag a finger at men and tell them to stop playing games, however, the true power lies in your decision to not let a man come into your life and play games with you, unapologetically. That does not make you difficult, high maintenance, or unrealistic; it makes you a high value woman with expectations a virtuous man will break his back to meet.
Michelle also dropped this additional piece of dating advice for women:
"High bar, ladies. High bar. Keep your bar high. Because it's hard enough with a high bar, it's hard. So you don't want to start making huge, huge compromises in who you are and how you want a man or a partner to show up in your life. And I think it helped that I wasn't looking. That I wasn't thirsty. That I was pushing him off a little bit and he had to work a bit."
Michelle's 'bar' was so high because she was not looking for completion, but she was open to elevation.
As a Harvard Law graduate with a leadership role at her firm and a life dedicated to her evolution as a woman, it was easy for her to make the distinction between a placeholder and a potential husband.
Relationships thrive off of the compromise of both partners, however, make sure not to get too weak in the knees too quickly, when you think you've met a 'Barack'.
Focus on yourself, how you feel around this new interest, and how he adds value to your life with new insights and experiences. Don't be fooled by charm, don't base all your feelings off how consistent he may be at the moment, and bet on yourself. Trust your gut and your judgment of his intentions. Don't be afraid to slow things down a bit in order to re-center yourself. And make sure to check that friend zone of yours one more time, you might just find a diamond in the rough.
Listen to Michelle's advice here.
Feature image by Scott Olson/Getty Images
New Jersey native creating a life that she loves while living in gratitude. She loves using beauty, and fashion to create a balanced lifestyle while prioritizing wellness. A devoted fur mom, and a full-time lover of laughter. She is out for revenge against the darkness by being light, taking her own advice, traveling the world, and letting you know that you are so lit! Connect with her via IG @iamzaniah and please visit Zaniahsworld.com
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Stress Awareness Month: Sneaky Workplace Triggers Affecting Black Women, And How To Cope
We all know about the major stress triggers of everyday life, from relationship woes to monthly bills to unexpected emergencies, but there are small, subtle triggers that impact Black women in a big way, especially when it comes to work. It’s good to be aware of these sneaky stressors in order to maximize your day and find ways to incorporate solutions into your self-care routines.
Since it’s Stress Awareness Month, we caught up with Keanne Owens, LCSW, founder of Journey To Harmony Therapy Center, to talk about these triggers and what Black women can do to manage and cope.
Owens is an experienced South Florida-based counselor and social worker who offers her services via Grow Therapy, a therapy and medication management platform. She has worked with Black women professionals to unpack issues related to workplace stressors. “One is the pressure to perform–having to meet deadlines and deliverables. And a lot of times, these subtle stressors from performance are put upon ourselves as Black women. We want to make sure we’re doing our best. We don’t want to be critiqued in certain ways.”
Excessive micromanagement leading to fear of overly critical bosses is another subtle trigger that can negatively impact Black women in the workplace.
“Whenever something is done wrong, or we experience some type of injustice and have to report it, it’s the fear of retaliation–[fear that] we won’t be taken seriously or [our words] will be taken out of context because of being deemed as the ‘angry Black woman,’” she said.
Black Women And Workplace Stress Triggers
Her sentiments are backed by research. A recent report by Coqual found that 28% of Black women (compared to 17% of White men) say their supervisor uses “excessive control or attention to detail” when managing them. There’s more: A survey by the National Employment Law Project found that Black workers were “more likely to have concerns (80 percent) and twice as likely as white workers (18 percent) to have unresolved concerns at work, with 39 percent reporting they were “not satisfied with the employer’s response or did not raise concerns for fear of retaliation.”
The survey also found that 14 percent of Black respondents said they “avoided raising concerns to their employer for fear of retaliation—more than twice the average rate of 6 percent for all survey respondents.”
Owens pointed to the fact that these subtle stress triggers can negatively impact our physical health and our career advancement. “A lot of time it’ll affect our productivity,” Owens added. “We start to have negative thoughts of ourselves. The stressors can also cause fatigue. We’re no longer meeting or working up to our desired potential.” Other challenges as a result include insomnia and increased insolation, withdrawal, and lack of motivation to apply for jobs or promotions even when qualified.
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How To Manage Subtle Stress Triggers
While there are systemic issues at play for Black women at work that has less to do with us and more to do with major overhauls that must be addressed by the powers that be, there are steps we can take for the betterment of ourselves and our mental health. Owens offered the following tips:
Tap into a support system, whether it’s a coworker you trust, a family member, an organization, or an outlet like a hobby.
Create a good work-life balance before burnout even starts. “Having certain boundaries [is the goal] such as, for example, if you get off at 5, you get off at 5. If your job description is this, you don’t go above and beyond because that brings you to a lot of burnout,” Owens said.
Prioritize self-care, whatever that means for you. “If you don’t have a routine, create one. Practice mindfulness and even some meditation,” she added.
Create structure in your life outside of work. “Even if you have a family, applying some structure in your routine helps relieve stress,” she said.
Get into grounding techniques. “Do a real quick square breathing exercise, that’s literally 30 seconds, or you can do a grounding technique that’s less than two minutes, right there where you are. You don’t need any other materials. That’s something you can do with just yourself and your body.”
Ask for help. “As Black women, we don’t ask for help enough,” she said. “Find where you need to ask for help. A lot of times, people think that’s indicative of weakness, but we need to rewrite that narrative. It’s okay to ask for help where you see fit. [If] you’re a mom, [it could be] every Wednesday from 5 to 6, your children are with the dad. You have to carve out that time.”
For more information on Grow Therapy, visit their website. You can also find out more about Keanne Owens, LCSW, via BeginYourJourneyToHarmony.com.
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Featured image by Charday Penn/Getty Images