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Mental health awareness is at an all-time high with many of us seeking self-improvement and healing with the support of therapists. Tucked away in cozy offices, or in the comfort of our own homes, millions of women receive the tools needed to navigate our emotions, relate to those around us, or simply exist in a judgment-free space.
For some, finding a therapist is as simple as pulling up a website, reading a few bios, and choosing a clinician. But for many Black women, finding a therapist that sees us as the multi-faceted beings that we are, and understands our unique experiences, can be a precarious affair. Therapists and clients are bound together by respect, trust, and vulnerability. And just like any relationship, it’s a delicate dance to find the right clinician that gives you the space to show up as your authentic self while maintaining a healthy, productive connection.
xoNecole recently chatted with seven women about the process they took to find the therapist that was ‘The One’ and how therapy has impacted them. Here’s what they had to say.
Destiny Oribhabor
Writer, Speaker
![](https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vbWVkaWEucmJsLm1zL2ltYWdlP3U9JTJGNTZ4b1RJTnYwQUJwMGxJNk45bUhrdkktWno3OGY4c0k4SVdaLXREVS04ako0cXNPdDZ5cEFxSERYMnZKY2FZS041ZGVfZ2RwejJ2VjJoWkxsNTBJdFByVmo1UHJtVnpRbTVTcE00TlBxQWMtWEZSVmFsaE04b2YwY3d1SHpodnNmVklPSzUybmhJSU9OYWtDUlEmaG89aHR0cHMlM0ElMkYlMkZsaDUuZ29vZ2xldXNlcmNvbnRlbnQuY29tJnM9MjgzJmg9NWU1NTE3MTEyZWMyZjE5NWY5YzcxOTIxYzdiM2Q3ODNhNWEyZjE0MTNiYjk0NzBjMTk3MGFjZDdlMGRhODlmZCZzaXplPTk4MHgmYz02NTUzMjA2MDEiLCJleHBpcmVzX2F0IjoxNzczNTI4NTcxfQ.q_qkz1y9HPbPk74UkMxdJvvUeZ8APzN_2TsusHYxOSo/img.jpg)
Courtesy of Destiny Oribhabor
My first time going to therapy was around 10-12 years ago and it has literally changed my life. It led to internal healing from emotional baggage and childhood wounds. It helped me become self-aware about myself and my triggers. It helped me have hard conversations with family members, which has led to those relationships being restored. Therapy has also reminded me that healing is a continuous cycle and there is no shame when you have to go back to therapy.
I’ve had various counseling stints over the past 12 years, and I’ve gone the recommendation and directory route. I had a 15-minute consultation to understand the counselor’s process before committing my time and coins! The consultations are so important because you get a peek into that particular counselor’s process. On my journey, my preference has been that my counselor must be a Christian counselor. As I have evolved, my preference changed to a Christian counselor who was also Black. I knew that I wanted a counselor that would give me homework, and also give me tools that I could use after the sessions. My counselor not only helped me with identifying the root (hello, childhood) but also provided tools and affirmations that helped me process when I was in a moment.
Due to the pandemic, I saw a counselor for several months last year who created space for me. Upon getting to the root of my battle with unworthiness and savior complex, she saw through when I would apologize for my tears and emotions. She could see through the times I would try to act unbothered. She stated, “These 50 minutes are for you and you can cuss, be angry and not be okay.”
When she spoke to the part of me that tends to want to be strong for everyone and allowed me to be a mess, it broke me open in the best way! She gently challenged me, and that’s how I knew this was whom I needed to work with. I would tell another woman who doesn’t gel with her counselor that it is absolutely normal. Not every counselor is a good fit. When I learned about doing a pre-interview or consult before committing, that changed the game for me.
Yasmine Cheyenne
Author, Self-Healing Educator
![](https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vbWVkaWEucmJsLm1zL2ltYWdlP3U9JTJGUmVWQ01kUjZsVEpYcGRNTFZnNFM4MS16VnlJY2VKdVNPdFhuMFY1aUcwQURZZzd1R0x4R1dRV0dpazV2b0FfWHZwemRERy1WN1o5Y1BYX0ZNR3FCQVFuNEVfM3pReFVYQjlTOHVxQ2xUS2VmWEZqV1ZIQnNNRlRZQmE0QXN5NWNNLVdqanZ5S01ZeFBVanNzZGcmaG89aHR0cHMlM0ElMkYlMkZsaDUuZ29vZ2xldXNlcmNvbnRlbnQuY29tJnM9ODEyJmg9ODViMjE4NGM0NTEwZGNjZjU4ZTQ3ZmY2NGUyNzgyM2QxNTdhMGI3NjlkMTAwMGJmMmMyZDI0OTQwNDgxMWZiZSZzaXplPTk4MHgmYz0zMzEwNjY3MTQ4IiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTcyODA0OTM4OX0.H8CQfW2acn4zG2OAaP90FkK0qtJcF1QdwXZZK1oUClc/img.jpg)
Courtesy of Yasmine Cheyenne
Therapy has been the safe place that I know I can come to and share how I feel, receive advice or feedback, and truly be seen and heard. It's a non-reciprocal relationship, unlike friendships or relationships we might have with our family, so therapy is also one of the few places where I'm coming to get space held for me and not having to do any holding in return. As a healer, teacher, and coach it was imperative that I create spaces like that for myself, to ensure I'm filling myself up too. I think it's important to research the kinds of therapy that you're interested in (i.e. EMDR therapy, Trauma-Informed Therapists, Art Therapist, etc.) because it's helpful to see a therapist who is going to be able to support you in the way that feels most comfortable for you.
I've also used directories like Therapy for Black Girls or The Daring Way directory by Dr. Brené Brown to find therapists certified in particular ways of supporting clients. I wanted a therapist who had experience in supporting people who were already in wellness or primarily see therapists. Although I'm not a therapist, I support my clients through coaching and teaching self-healing, and I knew I needed a therapist who could support my unique needs.
"Therapy has been the safe place that I know I can come to and share how I feel, receive advice or feedback, and truly be seen and heard. It's a non-reciprocal relationship, unlike friendships or relationships we might have with our family, so therapy is also one of the few places where I'm coming to get space held for me and not having to do any holding in return."
I knew I found a therapist I could trust and wanted to work with when I recognized her ability to help me dig deeper with kindness, when I could feel understood without judgement, when I was able to apply what I was learning in my life with more ease, and when I felt held and safe throughout our sessions. I also love therapists who uphold strong boundaries and ensure that the session is a safe space for me to unpack, not me listening to their personal stories unless it is useful to the session.
[If you don’t gel with your current therapist] talk to your therapist about your feelings because they may be able to help you feel more at ease when they understand what you're experiencing. But if they aren't able to understand what you need, or if you don't start to feel a better connection, start looking for a new therapist. It's tough to get what you need out of therapy when you don't feel comfortable with your therapist, so advocate for yourself and look for something different that feels good!
Nicola Ajayi
Entrepreneur, On-Air Host
![](https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vbWVkaWEucmJsLm1zL2ltYWdlP3U9JTJGaXIxSVlkRVpCVnNKODJqYUVmMmFGbGhNNS1UZG5EZzAzV1l3WUhlX2U2Uk04dW94WFZnRkxYel9KM0NVaGtpNjMzbUxieThTZ1VSOVFkc3dONG53MmhjVUpmSWxNSkRiWXJUZTZWN3JWVGFMQkhXc3VxYk81WW91UGhpZ0djaW4zZVRyeE5SaEJKR2I0V3Zna0EmaG89aHR0cHMlM0ElMkYlMkZsaDQuZ29vZ2xldXNlcmNvbnRlbnQuY29tJnM9MzU1Jmg9ZDdjZGU3NmJiMTE0MTgwYmNkNjUwMmM3YWE4NmZhMzUwYjgwMTAxMmQxYmIzZTM1M2E1OWE2M2VhMmI0MWY5NyZzaXplPTk4MHgmYz01OTIwMDk0NTUiLCJleHBpcmVzX2F0IjoxNzYyMjU4NjE3fQ.2SUJkx-g4757_Y3zWsz9T_-qYlkZk9r1RUDDQ7DEoJs/img.jpg)
Courtesy of Nicola Ajayi
I’ve used therapy services in two different instances. The first was in conjunction with my husband in couples therapy. I also used therapy services as an individual when I was experiencing so many life stressors and needed resources and ways to help me manage them. In couples therapy, my husband and I learned ways to be patient with each other while giving grace for each other’s faults, how to actively listen to each other, and how to be empathetic to each other’s feelings and needs. Individual therapy allowed me to identify my “triggers” before I reached the boiling point and most importantly gave me a safe space to air my deep thoughts and feelings.
I think it’s so important to go to a therapist who shares the same values as you. First and foremost I knew I wanted a therapist who was a Christian, and I found both of my therapists by Googling Christian counseling in my area. I needed someone who tied the Word of God into our sessions as well as give us practical, everyday tools to utilize on a day-to-day basis. For marriage counseling, I specifically wanted a male therapist who was married with a family because I felt like my husband would relate to him more. For my individual sessions, I chose a female therapist who was married and had a family because I knew she and I would understand each other the most.
I thoroughly scoured my therapists’ websites and bios before deciding to hire them. I wanted to make sure they had the qualities listed above before even attending the first session. During the first trial session, I knew I would continue with both of them because in both instances I felt “understood” and heard. I never felt rushed or felt like they were not actively listening to me, which in turn allowed me to feel free to open up and let my guard down.
My advice for a woman who doesn’t gel with her current therapist would be to speak to them about her feelings to see why there is a disconnect. If you still don’t feel as if you gel during the next session, find someone else! After all, you are paying for a service so you’re doing yourself a disservice if you don’t get every benefit from your time together!
Dr. Eleanor Khonje
Professor, Speaker
![](https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vbWVkaWEucmJsLm1zL2ltYWdlP3U9JTJGajdmemlpX2ZLU0tKanBlbWlaU3owdHhHLV9PWkwwZVA0N2todEllbzRDajVTbFZUdUYwWm5OcUVlTUppZ0pPQ1U3dVJFMlpCQW11TGdDVFdja0dGcTZoeTFva05WVU50ck5rSk4wWTVhX0otaUNWb1Q4YS1oZWtwMHlwOEZTemxFbWwwY2V5bWVaa3FYeGZtMmcmaG89aHR0cHMlM0ElMkYlMkZsaDQuZ29vZ2xldXNlcmNvbnRlbnQuY29tJnM9ODYyJmg9MzQxMWI5NzdlMjczOTUwNDA0YmQ2NmZkMTI0ZWE2YzYyY2RmZjMxMzI3ZmU3OGU5ZTA4ZDBmYmY1MDlhYjg0NiZzaXplPTk4MHgmYz0zNDg0OTg1OTcyIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTcyNjgzOTcyOH0.NPGcRFKGCY9Cg_i5mAa2hNHtuDj9pZ5LUCg8oUFzEJo/img.jpg)
Courtesy of Dr. Eleanor Khonje
I went to therapy at a point in my life when I knew that therapy was really the only thing that was going to help me. After leaving an abusive marriage, I was completely broken. I was in the midst of finishing my Ph.D. when I decided to leave this relationship. I was working full-time for an international organization, and as wounded as I was, I knew that I could not afford to let anything in my life slip by or get out of control.
If I was going to move ahead powerfully, I needed to understand why I made so many excuses for such bad behavior from my ex. I needed to understand why I could be as smart as I am, have so much knowledge about feminist politics and gender-based violence, and yet could not discern that what I was experiencing at home was violence. And thank God I went to therapy because I got the answers I needed.
"I went to therapy at a point in my life when I knew that therapy was really the only thing that was going to help me... If I was going to move ahead powerfully, I needed to understand why I made so many excuses for such bad behavior from my ex."
A close friend of mine suggested the particular therapist I worked with. She worked with her in the past and assured me that, if anything, I should at least try her out. I initially thought it did not matter whether my therapist was female or male. [Because] I live in Switzerland, I definitely did not even think about a Black female therapist because I did not know where I would go to find one. I really needed a safe space where I could cry and cry without judgment and a space that would help me understand where my brokenness was coming from and how I could resolve it. But after carefully thinking about it, I knew I needed a female therapist.
My therapist was not someone I could potentially be friends with, she was not someone I particularly went home and talked about because I thought she was amazing. My therapist was a professional, whose role was to help me find solutions to my problems and find ways I could effectively move ahead. In that light, if I felt like she was not qualified to help me dismantle my emotions and heaviness, I would have left to find someone who would. I don’t need to be your friend, and I honestly don’t even need you to look like me, per se. But are you knowledgeable enough to help me resolve my stuff? Depending on that answer, I would advise another woman to find another therapist or change her mindset [on what she wants].
Emelda De Coteau
Writer, Podcast Host
![](https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vbWVkaWEucmJsLm1zL2ltYWdlP3U9JTJGZFdOU25FbHZTQm9IenVpZUlDR0tab3pVLThWcm9BMXg1THp2WHlmUk5McThXX0JnS2d5TDNBMXlFM29IRjc5dGlZd1FjTEZQcVNMQS1Takg0eGhVeWVFQW96V2NmSThVS3hleDZqR3dndHpsOVVEUktXMkZEaTlMT0lWNEpWOEtHQmpBU0NMNVVJMHlkcUViaEEmaG89aHR0cHMlM0ElMkYlMkZsaDMuZ29vZ2xldXNlcmNvbnRlbnQuY29tJnM9MjE2Jmg9ZTAyNTI2ZGNlNjgxNWIxYjY4MWU3YTMxMzM1YTkwODNhNDg2YWJjM2IwYmY1YzdlMDBkODc3NThhODE4YmU3MSZzaXplPTk4MHgmYz0zMjY2MzkzMDg1IiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTc4MzkxNDk3MX0.8CdfUd0ms8jPlykDGFFHDJDAD7YHg74IuXbH36jZcCI/img.jpg)
Courtesy of Emelda De Coteau
Being in therapy is helping me address some core issues, which have shown up in my life, again and again—people-pleasing (which has some of its roots in childhood sexual trauma), setting healthy boundaries, and releasing mom guilt. My therapist also supports me in navigating the experiences of caring for our daughter who has some health challenges, while being there for my Dad, who is in at-home hospice care, all while juggling being a wife and entrepreneur. In the past, I asked friends [for recommendations]. More recently, I decided to head to Therapy for Black Girls, and do a deeper dive. I am so glad I took that additional step!
I wanted someone I could both connect with and relate to on a fundamental level. I felt an internal pull to prioritize working with a Black woman therapist who valued mindfulness as a practice, alongside faith and building a relationship with God. I wanted to find someone who could relate to my experience as a Black woman living in America and understood the importance of a holistic trauma-informed approach. And most importantly, I sought out a therapist who would hold me accountable, and walk alongside me on this journey of healing.
Throughout our first meeting, I felt an immediate sense of connection, like this woman understands me! She took time to read through the paperwork I submitted, asked follow-up questions, and set treatment goals with me. During our sessions, she also steers me towards action steps so that I am always growing and putting into practice new, healthy habits.
Don’t wait to find someone who speaks to your spirit, and will listen to you. Pray for guidance, but don’t use this as an excuse not to move forward. Our mental health is the foundation of all that we do, and it’s important we prioritize caring for it. Connect with communities like the one I’m part of, Spoken Black Girl, which centers on healing and well-being for Black women. They now have a directory where you can find women of color therapists and wellness providers.
Minaa B.
Therapist, Wellness Coach
![](https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vbWVkaWEucmJsLm1zL2ltYWdlP3U9JTJGVEdyTDlTWjlEdHItYjZRVzR0eTNFRmVhM1VDb1VfYkg4RlJUWGx6cDhCRVk2ejZMRUV2RmdqNS1kMk4zaDVWYUhTN1M0bWd2UlN2OXBSLUlIUGhORnpVSUpiNThHUlNLV0ExbldiWTk4akxBa296aVNueHpONGEzWk5jdTlwSm5xOER4QXg4OVNEMU0yN3JGTVEmaG89aHR0cHMlM0ElMkYlMkZsaDMuZ29vZ2xldXNlcmNvbnRlbnQuY29tJnM9NDcyJmg9ZWIyODU4MzYyNGJlZTFkNDk0NDQxZWZhYmI1N2Y2MzNjYmE5MTBlZDkwMTEyMzI1MGYxOGMxN2FmZDkyMDgxMCZzaXplPTk4MHgmYz0zMjY0NTExNTg0IiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTc1NjM2NjIzMH0.fjYYKdOqcAiMAmHslyxCi1pFinhLMH2U84NONMjJV68/img.jpg)
Courtesy of Minaa B.
Therapy has helped me build my emotional self-care and has helped me to manage the emotional challenges and roadblocks that I face in life. Overall, therapy has been a useful tool in helping me live in alignment with the growth and evolution that I desire. I used the directory PsychologyToday.com to connect with my therapist, but I believe word of mouth can be a great and useful strategy as well.
Personally, because I am a therapist myself, I specifically looked for a therapist who has worked with other therapists and has experience treating the issues that I am presenting with, and can provide guidance and educational insight. Working with a client who is also a therapist can be a unique experience so it's something I prefer to know upfront when talking to a therapist.
Our consultation call was warm and inviting, and she immediately knew how to address some of the needs and issues that I had. A first session is a big impression to make, and because I found her to be useful early on, it made it easier to trust the process as I continued on.
To be straightforward, find a new one [if you don’t gel with your current therapist]. There are too many good therapists out there and it makes no sense to force a relationship with someone who you have to pay and share intimate details of your life with if there is no trust or a genuine connection. Shopping around might be tiresome, but it's worth it.
Dr. Akua Boateng
Psychotherapist, Mental Health Media Expert
![](https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vbWVkaWEucmJsLm1zL2ltYWdlP3U9JTJGTDhTMkstc0EwdXFiUGZwTXU0Q1g3Zjg5VVBZelZYVGxpTkZpTUk4c3F0SFFzNkZQdDV4MFhEYWJFdC04cnh1ZzRqUjdFV2tGYS1mMFZ4MnppNnczLXBTQ0Y1NDlrSzQwTlEzVG1EVWh1Uk5jTjUyYUdkUDZxYjhqUXFjdWx6WG5kc2lJNnVQVlpJNkpma1N3VHcmaG89aHR0cHMlM0ElMkYlMkZsaDMuZ29vZ2xldXNlcmNvbnRlbnQuY29tJnM9MjA0Jmg9NmNiYjZiOWUzYjNlODkwNmJmZWM4OGFkNDIyZDFhZDAzNDY1MDczYWE0YTM5N2FmMWEyZWZiY2NhY2IyYzRjNiZzaXplPTk4MHgmYz0xNjk2MjM3NjE5IiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTc3NTY3NDY0OH0.mcDIYhS-4CR3k9obP9Mlfm1OPRH1k2ZY9SybY_o4cDU/img.jpg)
Courtesy of Dr. Akua Boateng
Therapy has provided me with a safe sounding board for all aspects of my life. I have a place where I am heard, seen, and valued. As a therapist, it can be a challenge to find a good fit. Fortunately, a colleague referred me to my therapist. I was looking for a Black therapist that was well trained, immensely compassionate, and with a similar cultural background to better understand my lived experience.
I knew I found the right therapist when I felt comfortable and experienced growth toward my goals. I would advise you to talk with your therapist [if there is a disconnect]. There might be reasons for the misalignment. Next, if challenges cannot be fixed pursue a therapist that serves you. Believe it or not, your current therapist wants you to find the right fit as well.
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Featured image courtesy of Yasmine Cheyenne
Originally published on May 16, 2022
I Tried Coloring As A Form of Self-Care & It Changed The Way I Prioritize Myself
We know that self-care routines are an integral part of maintaining our mental health. We know that pouring into ourselves brings fulfillment and meaning into our lives. But how often do we introduce new activities into our self-care repertoire? I’ll be the first to admit that my go-to self-care activities were starting to feel a little stale at the beginning of the year and weren’t making much of an impact in my life.
Thankfully, Oludara Adeeyo’s latest book, Mind, Body, & Soul: A Self-Care Coloring Book for Black Women, came on my radar at the perfect time.
Oludara Adeeyo is a Los Angeles-based mental health therapist and author who encourages others, specifically Black women, to prioritize self-care. In an interview with Non-Profit Quarterly, Adeeyo states, “A lot of Black women don’t know how to make time for themselves because they don’t feel like they can make time for themselves. I just hope my coloring book makes Black women feel like they can make time for themselves.”
I identified with the premise of the book immediately since I’ve struggled with prioritizing myself in the past. What was inside the book piqued my interest the most. It features 35 pages of affirmations and beautiful illustrations that depict Black women in all of their glory.
So, over the course of a few weeks, I committed to the coloring journey, and here’s what I focused on:
Courtesy of Michelle Emdin
I embraced the power of play.
I hadn’t felt this much joy purchasing a pack of colored pencils and markers since I was in elementary school, and you know what? I LOVED the anticipation of coloring. It’s an activity often associated with children, but adults benefit from low-stress and fun activities, too.
I prioritized “me time."
I found it fitting that the first affirmation in the book was “I deserve to experience Black girl joy,” with an image of a woman vibing to music while walking outdoors. It’s often too easy for me to put off activities that bring me joy for the sake of others and my daily responsibilities. I was intentional about carving out parts of my day to focus on coloring.
I meditated on the affirmations.
I found that repeating some of the affirmations helped me focus on my task and gave my self-confidence a boost. For instance, the statement “I no longer talk bad about myself” led me to focus on a list of positive attributes about myself while I colored.
I used the finished pages as a timestamp, of sorts.
I was surprised by how rewarding it was to review the pages I’d completed. I’d look at a page and instantly remember what room I was in, the ambiance, and the state of my mental health when I colored each page. Having a memory associated with the pages made the book that much more precious.
Courtesy of Michelle Emdin
The Results
My life didn't change drastically after a few weeks of coloring. However, I noticed that it became easier to sit still long enough to focus on one task. As someone who loves to habit stack, focusing only on coloring took a bit of practice but became easier over time. Another positive result was that I worked on my motor and cognitive skills. I used muscles in my hand that is often ignored when I use electronic devices while choosing colors and coloring techniques gave my brain a workout. Lastly, I felt calmer after coloring.
Coloring relaxes the amygdala, the area of the brain that processes fear. And while I might’ve started some sessions feeling worrisome or stressed, I left the page feeling lighter and more in tune with my inner child, who enjoyed creating for the sake of creating.
I’m not the best artist by any means, but creating a masterpiece isn’t really the point. Some pages were created with calm and measured strokes, while others were etched with anxious scribbles. In the end, all of the pages I’d completed were a reflection of my dedication to care for myself.
So, if your self-care routine needs a change of pace, I’d encourage you to give coloring a try! Pick up your favorite crayons or markers and join countless other women who are making time for themselves– you won’t regret it!
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Featured image by Getty Images
There’s nothing quite like opening a good book and getting transported to another place, period, or frame of thought. In the blink of an eye, you are a part of a character’s life, an author’s world. Another great aspect about reading books is that not only does it serve as a source of entertainment and education, it also boosts your brain and emotional health. Research shows that “regular reading can lower blood pressure, reduce stress, and improve sleep quality.”
But if I’m honest, getting lost in a reading session was much easier as a child. I had no full-time job, no child to run after, or other major responsibilities, so of course, finishing a book in one sitting was an easy task. And with reading programs like Pizza Hut BOOK IT! (I know I'm aging myself with this one), I was rewarded for doing an activity I already loved!
As I got older, I'd go through periods of reading for enjoyment, but somewhere along the way, reading became harder for me to prioritize. I had the desire to read more books, but couldn’t figure out how to get it done. Does this sound familiar to you? If so, follow along as I share my tips on how to read more books this year!
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Read More of What You Enjoy
Life is too short to read books you don't love! I used to carry the misguided mindset that my taste in books should "mature" as I age. I'd force myself to primarily read non-fiction or self-help books because that's what I thought I should be reading. But, no, that’s just not me. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy those genres, but I’ve loved women’s fiction, contemporary fiction, and YA for decades and won’t stop any time soon.
Whether you're into science-fiction, faith and spirituality, memoirs, romance, thrillers, comic books, or non-fiction, the goal is to love whatever you're reading.
Choose a Mode of Reading
Physical Books
I derive a lot of comfort from holding a book in my hands and turning page after page. And don't get me started on the smell of the printed paper! If you nerd out over printed books like me, build your personal library with titles you adore! But before you visit a major bookseller, consider buying from your local independent bookstore. Websites like Bookshop.org give you access to local stores in your area that can benefit from your support.
If you’d rather not own a bunch of books, get a library card. Not only will you save money, but you’ll support your local library and, by extension, your community.
Audiobooks
As a working mother, it’s hard for me to sit still long enough to open a physical book, so I’ve had to default to audiobooks—and you know what? —I love them! You can easily listen to a book in your car, as you work out, cook, or wait for your girlfriends to show up for brunch. Platforms like Libby and Boundless link with your library card to give you access to thousands of books. If you prefer to read words on a screen, then I suggest electronic or e-books that you can read on your phone or a Kindle device.
Set a Reading Goal, Then Read Whenever You Can
You'll read more if you have an attainable goal broken down into pieces. For instance, if you plan to read a book in one week, divide the total number of pages by seven for a daily goal. Divide by however many days of the month there are for a monthly goal, and so on.
Reading first thing in the morning may work for some, but isn’t feasible for others. Instead, note the time of day you have the most availability. It helps to know when you have the most energy to read and what setting you're most comfortable in, too. Ultimately, if you want to read more books, you've got to spend more time reading.
Start a reading session while you wait at the DMV, during commercial breaks, or on your bus or train commute. Not everyone has time to dig into a book for hours, however, every bit matters– even if it's for five minutes at a time.
Read With Others
Reading with a friend or a group is a great way to hold yourself accountable to your reading goals and gush over what you love (or don’t love) about what you’re reading.
Book clubs are an easy way to find other book lovers. You can build your literary network of folks who enjoy the same books as you but also challenge you to step out of your comfort zone.
Through my virtual book club, I’ve read thrillers, historical fiction, and books with fantasy elements—all of which are genres I wouldn’t gravitate to on my own. By doing so, I ended up liking a few and exposed myself to different styles of writing.
What I love most about book clubs is that you can find or create one that meets your needs. Do you only want to read books written by African authors? There’s a club for that. Want to meet in person in your area or meet from the comfort of your home? Easy. Prefer to read a book of your choosing next to others who are doing the same thing, and then briefly recap what you’ve read? Silent book clubs exist for this very reason! Utilize social media and sites like Meetup.com to help get you started.
Keep Track of Your Reading Progress
Finishing a book is an accomplishment worth celebrating and recording. You can jot the titles on your own or keep track by using a platform. Sites like StoryGraph (hello, Black-woman-owned business!) and Goodreads are an easy way to read and write reviews, set reading challenges, and find community. I promise you'll look back at the end of the month or year and feel so proud of the number of books you've finished when you keep track of what you’ve read.
Whether you’re a seasoned reader who’s itching to reach a new goal or you’re new to reading as a hobby, I hope these tips encourage you to read more this year. Don’t feel pressured to stick to only one genre or use only one method to read. It’s perfectly fine to adopt a hybrid approach to reading if that works well for you.
Take your time to figure out a setting and rhythm that inspires you to dive into a story. The goal is to create a reading practice that fits into your life– not add stress to it. Happy reading, friends!
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While I write this article, my son is across the room—on a lovely Saturday afternoon—watching an episode of his favorite show. Soon, my husband will scoop him up, and the both of them will spend time together outside. But for now, his eyes are focused on a television screen while mine track words across a computer screen. Like clockwork, questions gnaw at me as I try to focus. Is he getting too much screen time while I work? Am I still a “good mom” if I’m hardly paying attention to him? Sure, we’ll spend the rest of the day together as a family, but what if I miss something important while he’s out with his dad? Why do I feel bad for taking time for myself in the first place?
The simple answer is mom guilt, and I’m certainly not the only person that deals with it.
Mom guilt is defined as any specific feeling of guilt a woman experiences in relation to her role as a mother and her ability to meet her child’s needs. It can occur at any stage in motherhood and for a plethora of reasons. Any parent or caregiver is susceptible to feelings of guilt, but I was especially curious to chat with mothers navigating guilt as they pursue their dreams, manage other responsibilities, and work in or outside of their homes.
In an interview with xoNecole, five mothers got real about their experience working through guilt, and here’s what they had to say.
Lauren Johnson – Producer and Director of Harbor Grace Co.
Courtesy of Lauren Johnson
Lauren Johnson, a mother of three and ultimate boss babe, first experienced mom guilt as a college student with her first daughter.
“I was a young single mother at the time, pursuing a science degree with my newborn on campus with me. I would always have to send her to different people just to go to class or to get my work done. Not only did I not know what I was doing as a mother, but I also couldn’t give her my undivided attention. The guilt was overwhelming, but I knew I couldn’t quit and had to keep pushing for her.”
Years later, Lauren’s hard work has paid off. She runs Harbor Grace Co. with her spouse and has built their photography and production company while simultaneously growing their family. By working predominately from home over the past eight years, Lauren has found that working through the night allows her to complete tasks without distractions.
“I’ll sleep during the day when they are at school, and by the time they get home, I’m rested and ready to spend some quality time with them,” she explains.
Even though she tweaks her schedule to prioritize her children’s activities, she still feels guilty when she’s not able to focus solely on them.
“If I’m working on a big production, I’ll have tunnel vision until that project is complete. That means that I may be at home, but I’m not really present. My kids will come into my office for a few minutes to check on me, and that’s typically when the guilt starts. They’ll tell me about their day, give me hugs, and then I’ll hear, ‘Okay, well, I’ll let you finish working,’” she explains.
This guilt led her to overcompensate with material things for her children but also encouraged her to take a good look at her values.
“Mom guilt made me so much more ambitious. I am always striving for more to provide them with the best quality of life. But guilt is also like a mirror. It requires you to be more self-aware. It requires you to be vulnerable in ways you may have never been before.”
Lauren notes that balancing entrepreneurship and motherhood isn’t as difficult as it once was but acknowledges the challenge associated with having limited time for everyone.
“[The kids] were growing up so fast, and I was so busy that I didn’t really take the time that I needed to get to know this new version of them. Or I would feel as though my husband had a better relationship with them than I did, in which most cases, I would just be in my own head,” she says.
Now that her children are older, she has begun to incorporate them into her work by including them in her shoots or by allowing them to scout locations with her. When she isn’t working or spending time with her family, Lauren leans into fitness to challenge guilt. For her, working out several times a week not only relieves stress but it also provides an example for her children to prioritize self-care.
“It’s okay to need help, to take a break, and to prioritize yourself. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Fill yourself up first so that you can always give them the best version of you,” she says.
Destini Ann – Certified Parenting Coach
Courtesy of Destini Ann
As an author, podcast host, and certified parenting coach, Destini Ann consistently delivers authentic and relatable parenting content for the masses. By sharing her own experience raising two children via social media, Destini Ann encourages other caregivers to get curious about their parenting styles.
“I love that my career involves social media! Not only is connection one of my top three values, but the other two are freedom and communication. Social media allows me to connect with my community and communicate my beliefs and parenting advice while giving me an incredible amount of freedom. The flip side of that is that if I’m not careful, I can find myself giving my children less connection, communication, and freedom.”
Destini Ann admits that working in close proximity to her children is challenging since there is less structure, and her children expect more from her when she’s present. However, she’s found a technique that works for her family.
“The oldest does well with a checklist and alone time, but my 5-year-old is all over the place. I find that leading with an abundance of connection makes stepping away a lot easier. Ultimately, I prioritize [connection] the best I can when they’re home,” she says. “I feel guilty when I’m not as connected with them. When life gets busy or I’m tired, it can be tempting to zone out. But it’s actually my guilt that snaps me back into the present most of the time.”
Though Destini Ann is intentional with her approach to parenting now, she doesn’t shy away from sharing the guilt she experienced by being a “permissive parent with very little boundaries” in the past. She also highlights an early experience with guilt after considering how arguments with her ex-husband might have affected her daughter.
“I asked myself, ‘How did this impact her emotional health, her relationship with her father, and her understanding of my relationship with him?’ That guilt turned into fear and anxiety about the future and what that might mean for her romantic relationships,” she says.
But even in the midst of experiencing guilt, Destini Ann says she tries not to allow the feeling to turn into shame.
“My guilt slows me down and forces me to reexamine my values. It gives me an opportunity to get off autopilot and ask myself tough questions [like], ‘Is this really something I need to work on, or is this just an emotion that will pass? Do I need grace or growth here? If it’s grace, how can I affirm myself and ease my emotional state? If it’s growth, what is in my control that I can change or work on?’”
For her, guilt isn’t necessarily a feeling that can be avoided but rather a tool that is best used to check in with herself. She concludes by saying, “Sometimes I need to recognize that I’m putting unrealistic expectations on myself or comparing my journey to someone else’s. Other times, the guilt is the catalyst that takes me to the next positive step on my motherhood journey.”
Morgan Tyler – CEO of the Millenial Moms Club, Co-Host of Moms Actually Podcast
Courtesy of Morgan Tyler
Prior to becoming a mother, Morgan Tyler had a clear idea of how she wanted to parent. She understood the importance of taking care of herself in order to show up for her child, but guilt set in after the birth of her first child. Asking for help from family and friends became a difficult task, and she started to believe that becoming a mother took precedence over having a life of her own.
Now that she's a wife, mother of three, and a full-blown entrepreneur with a lot on her plate, Morgan has a better grasp of striking a healthy balance between her roles but still experiences guilt at times.
"I typically feel mom guilt when I have to work a lot or travel due to work. I feel like I'm not as present as I could or should be when I'm working on a big project. And when I return home, I'm exhausted and don't always have the energy to jump right into mommy-ing," she says.
Morgan cites her children as motivators for her work and prioritizes open communication with them about how her work will impact the time she spends with them.
"[I] explain to them what I have going on work-wise and pre-plan quality time with them so that no one feels slighted. I especially appreciate my husband because he gives me a safe space to share what I am feeling and helps me overcome those emotions, even if it's just to be a sounding board."
To combat feelings of guilt, Morgan recognizes that there are seasons in life that require more or less from her and believes in maximizing the seasons when she's less busy. She also challenges mom guilt by centering her faith, prioritizing self-care, and incorporating positive self-talk. She finds that waking up before her family in order to read her Bible and pray sets the tone for her day. Without it, she's more susceptible to feeling guilt and negative thoughts.
These days Morgan relies on extending grace to herself and wants other mothers to do the same. She says, "[Guilt] can bring on feelings of not being enough for our children or doing well enough at 'mommy-ing.' However, you were blessed with the assignment of that specific child, and you have everything they need. It can be so easy to compare ourselves to other moms, let our own internal narratives run wild, and let mom guilt take over, but I challenge you to identify the triggers and tackle them head-on."
Bridget Chapital– Founder of Hypothesis Haven Science Club
Courtesy of Bridget Chapital
Bridget Chapital is no stranger to the guilt that creeps in when you're chasing your dreamsand raising three incredible humans. She recalls the end of her first pregnancy as an initial trigger of mom guilt.
"[My daughter] was full-term but underweight and not growing, so I ended up having a failed induction, followed by a C-section so that we could get her nourishment on the outside. I remember feeling as though my busy work schedule and non-stop pace might have contributed to a negative outcome for my baby, and it didn't feel good."
Unfortunately, mom guilt persisted throughout her journey of early motherhood.
"When my kids were younger, I poured all of myself into them. I would feel bad if I dropped them off at daycare when I had a day off of work or if I didn't keep up with a million and one of their spirit days at their school," she says. The older her children became, the less guilt she experienced– until COVID-19 took the world by storm.
"Right before the pandemic, I quit my full-time job in the medical research industry to start a health leadership program that teaches the fundamentals of the medical research industry to kids. For the first time in a long time, I was able to balance my work and professional lives by dropping my kids off in the morning and having seven uninterrupted hours of work, and then picking them up at 3 p.m. and having a full evening to focus on them. Once the lockdowns started, I found myself simultaneously home-schooling three kids while putting in the many hours required to launch a business. It was so stressful," she says.
Thankfully, her children – now thirteen, ten, and eight– are not only more independent, but they are also understanding of her and her husband's work schedule.
"[My kids] are very self-sufficient with getting dressed and making snacks and meals if they get hungry, so that stress is lifted off of me. But even though they would love nothing more than to watch TV or play on their tablets all day, I do feel bad if I have to work on a project on the weekend and can't spend as much time with them."
She maximizes her time with each of her children by limiting work to Monday-Friday when she can, by taking them out for solo dates, and by checking in with them. She also credits her husband's flexible work schedule and his ability to keep them busy with extracurricular activities as another factor in decreasing her mom guilt.
But in order to challenge the negative feelings associated with mom guilt, Bridget is adamant about holding fast to her identity outside of motherhood and rediscovering aspects of herself she might have set aside when her children were younger.
"It's okay to enjoy your time away from the kids. Find a trusted person-whether it's your husband, a girlfriend, or an extended family member– and when your child is with them, allow yourself to let go of the pressure of being a mom and just be yourself for a while. Put this time on a calendar and keep it sacred," she says.
Jade Godbolt, Beauty & Motherhood Influencer, Co-Host of The Godbolt Life Podcast
Courtesy of Jade Godbolt
For Jade Godbolt, the pressure to show up and run her business was the source of her mom guilt. Prior to the birth of her first child, Jade was determined to hop back into work right away due to the belief that her business would fail if she didn't. She recalls feeling guilt when she was required to make a decision between work and her family.
"I operated from a perspective that almost forced me to always choose work because I felt like providing financially for my family was the most important thing. If you would've asked me that directly before, I would deny it. But my actions showed, whenever I would rush off to finish a project or shoot content instead of spending time with my babies, that my financial contribution meant more than my presence or attention," she says.
Jade has worked from home since becoming a mother, which is no easy feat. And though there are unique challenges to having young children at home with her while she's working, she makes no apologies about how it's perceived.
"I got used to prefacing anyone I was working with or on a call with that 'If you hear kids screaming in the background, please do not be alarmed.' I couldn't care less if anyone had an issue with it. My family will always come before work or other relationships."
In the past, feelings of guilt led her to overcompensate by buying material things or by going on trips in order to spend time together with her family. However, she notes that this season of her life calls for her to incorporate quality time with her family in her everyday life.
"I don't go out as much as I used to, and that's taken some time to get used to. The pandemic helped because I didn't feel like I was the only one at home, but now that things have begun opening up again, sometimes it is hard because it's not just an easy "yes" or "no" for me to get out of the house with three kids under three. It's a whole conversation and planning session with my husband before I can even think about going anywhere," she explains.
But instead of feeling frustrated over it, she recognizes that this season of her life is temporary and chooses to focus on the positive aspects of raising a family instead.
"The Bible says that children are a gift, and I remind myself of that, especially in the moments when they don't feel like gifts. Motherhood can have its really tough moments, but I lean on my relationship with Christ to get me through when things are smooth and rocky."
And in those moments when mom guilt appears, Jade is quick to challenge the emotion and encourages others to do so as well.
She concludes by adding, "The feeling of guilt can creep in, but it's important to address it while it's a seed so that it doesn't take root in our hearts. Freedom is available to us, we just have to give ourselves and others some grace and forgiveness to get there."
Experiencing guilt as a caregiver may not always be avoidable, but its appearance doesn’t automatically mean you’re making the wrong choices. Instead, its presence can signal just how much you care about the role you play in your children’s life. So instead of feeling bogged down by shame and guilt on your mothering journey, always remember that there is no such thing as a perfect mother.
You can redefine what it means to be a “good mom” and examine the expectations you’ve placed on yourself. More than that, I hope you always remember that you are deserving of self-compassion along the way.
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Featured image courtesy of Morgan Tyler
xoNecole's I Read It So You Don't Have To is a recurring series of self-discovery that breaks down self-help books into a toolkit of takeaways and tips that are meant to assist you in finding the best life you can live. Take what works for you, and leave everything else where it is.
At the beginning of the year, I knew I wanted to: 1) Prioritize myself and my dreams like never before and 2) Strive for authenticity in every aspect of my life. What I didn’t know was that in a few months, roadblocks would materialize, and old wounds would resurface. What started as well-meaning declarations slowly morphed into misguided attempts to chase after my dreams and show up for myself in the process. I felt overwhelmed by the unrealistic expectations I placed on myself and burnt out over balancing my responsibilities.
My belief in Jesus Christ is paramount and who I turn to first, especially when it comes to healing, but I’m also an advocate of therapy and utilizing positive resources that support my personal growth. I figured I’d try a resource that could complement my journey of inner work, provide insight into my personality, and remind me of the joy and peace that is within me.
So after ignoring the self-help and personal development aisle in the bookstore (I’m a fiction type of gal), I opted for Yasmine Cheyenne’s book The Sugar Jar: Create Boundaries, Embrace Self-Healing, and Enjoy the Sweet Things. As an educator, speaker, and mental-wellness advocate, Yasmine provides a thoughtful and impactful approach to healing and recognizing patterns in our lives that drain us.
Here are 7 takeaways from her book to embrace healing and practice self-care.
Care for Your 'Sugar Jar'
Cheyenne likens our body and mind to a jar. It represents who we are and how we present ourselves to the world. Within the jar is our sugar, or as she writes, “all the sweet parts of you.” It can be represented as our time, our energy reserved for the activities we care about the most, and our gifts/expertise. To prevent the sweetness in our lives from spilling out or from being given away frivolously, the lid on our jar serves as a boundary.
Caring for our jars, or our very essence, is more than placing them in a safe environment.
Through regular check-ins, we maintain the integrity of our jars. For instance, to recognize a sugar leak or a relationship/responsibility that drains our time and peace, we can pay closer attention to our needs and enforce boundaries to protect ourselves. We can change the size of our jars to hold more or less in our lives depending on the season we’re in. Most importantly, we can fill our jars by prioritizing self-care.
Prioritize Presence Over Performance
As a recovering people-pleaser, I often struggled with my desire to belong in spaces while showing up as my whole self. I would perform based on the expectations of those around me and find my worth in their praise of my performance. I would ignore red flags and pretend that I was okay to avoid having tough conversations. It was as if I wore a mask, shifting it in place or ditching it altogether, depending on who I was around. Performing in these ways drained me emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually.
Yasmine says that agreeing to perform is another way of saying, “I believe that who I am isn’t enough.” Instead of acting on the internalized belief that I have to be someone else to belong, I prioritized being fully present as my true self, even if it was uncomfortable.
I paid close attention to the suggestions presented in the book and began to:
- Recognize that it’s okay if I don’t fit in everywhere
- Acknowledge my emotions and desires even if it differs from those around me
- Cast imposter syndrome aside
- Refuse to downplay my successes
Know the Difference Between a Boundary and a Barrier
Boundary setting gets a bad rap. Often we view it as selfish or a way to bend others to our will lest they kiss a relationship with us goodbye. Cheyenne defines a boundary as “the rules or structures that we put in place that manage the way we interact with the people, places, things, and commitments that we have in our lives.” Boundaries help us communicate our needs and how we intend to show up in the world around us. They also keep us safe and protect our mental health. However, in an attempt to protect ourselves from experiencing pain, we sometimes build a barrier that ends up keeping good things from entering our lives.
For example, a boundary could be explaining your needs to a friend after feeling as though you aren’t a priority in their life. A barrier could be ending the friendship the moment you’re disappointed and swearing off getting close to others in an attempt to avoid future disappointment.
It can feel intimidating to set boundaries with people who might have constant access to you or even to set boundaries with yourself, but starting small is key. Here are a few tips to get you started:
- Say yes to opportunities that align with who you are and your beliefs
- Decline an invitation if you know you need to prioritize rest (or if you simply don’t want to attend)
- Ask yourself what you’re comfortable with and communicate it
Let Go
The Sugar Jar helped me realize that letting go is an act of self-care. For most of my life, I held onto perfectionism and the notion that I needed to earn my worth. I could understand when others fell short of my expectations, but I would mentally berate myself if I missed my mark. I didn’t give myself the space to make mistakes and was far too tough on myself. I came to realize that holding space for myself when I am less than perfect means that I am human. And most importantly, I recognized that even with my flaws, I am enough.
Letting go also meant releasing the version of myself I’d outgrown without guilt. There were iterations of myself that existed for specific seasons. One version existed when I was content with playing small and believed that I didn’t have what it took to achieve my dreams. Another version needed to be in control 100% of the time to feel safe. I found joy when I realized that I could appreciate who I used to be but realize that there’s no shame in evolving.
Lean Into Acceptance
I used to bypass the inner work I needed to complete in my life by focusing on others. I wore my ability to encourage and counsel those around me as a badge of honor and poured so much energy into watching them transform. It’s no wonder I would feel frustrated if they chose a different path or if they felt content operating in a way that I didn’t agree with. I learned that acceptance doesn’t mean tolerating poor behavior but meeting people where they are.
Once I learned that it’s not my responsibility to change anyone (especially a person that doesn’t believe a change is necessary), the pressure I once felt decreased. Leaning into acceptance meant I recognized that we all have different capacities and timelines for growth.
Simply put, once I started to accept others for who they were I started to focus on my growth.
Dismiss the Urge To Be the “Strong One”
As I mentioned earlier, I derived a lot of pride from pleasing others. Not only did I lack boundaries, but I also played into the societal pressure to be strong 24/7. After all, wouldn’t I be liked even more if I showed that I could handle any and everything? Wouldn’t I prove I’m a great wife, mother, friend, and daughter if I supported my loved ones at all costs? I was wrong. Even worse, I had embodied the Black Woman Trope even though I knew better.
I justified my actions because I pegged myself as the “strong friend,” the “reliable daughter,” or the “super mom.”
There’s nothing wrong with exhibiting strength and showing up for loved ones, but this book gently reminded me that even the “strong ones” need support too. Consider the following questions that were posed in the book if you’re fighting the urge to constantly show your strength:
- Does someone’s need for me help me feel stronger, validated, or necessary?
- How can I be strong and worthy of connection without fully supporting everyone else’s weight?
Gauge Your Healing
It would be easy to gauge our healing if it presented itself as a simple cut on the hand. We'd watch the blood begin to clot and the skin around the wound seals itself until nothing but a tiny scar remained. Unfortunately, there's no clear-cut path to healing from the wounds we cannot see. The good news is that we can assess our healing by checking in with our emotions and taking stock of the improvements we've made (big or small).
Cheyenne says, "Just because you've learned some tools, it doesn't mean you won't have fears, intrusive thoughts, or concerns about choosing the 'right' things for yourself." There are no magic pills to take and no finger snaps that can erase the negative feelings associated with healing. But we're aiming for progress, not perfection, as we heal. So, for example, if you've struggled with setting boundaries, you might see that you are healing when you finally communicate it. You might still feel nervous about the action, and it might not even come out as smoothly as you want it to the first time. You'll notice you're healing even more when you're able to communicate your boundary with ease and can enforce it.
Embracing the intricacies of our healing and shedding parts of ourselves that no longer serve us takes dedication and a lot of work. But even as we work towards being a better version of ourselves, we can still experience the sweetness the journey has to offer.
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It’s safe to say the self-care movement isn’t going anywhere anytime soon– and with good reason! Self-care has been clinically proven to reduce burnout, anxiety, and depression, and improve concentration, happiness, and much more. Mothers and caretakers alike are tapping into wellness practices that enrich the mind and rejuvenate the body. And they’re paying a pretty penny for it too.
The U.S. self-care industry is worth billions of dollars, but creating a beneficial self-care routine doesn’t have to break the bank. In fact, practicing self-care is much simpler than you might think.
Here are 7 ideas to help you refresh your self-care routine.
1.Get Curious
Self-care isn’t one-size-fits-all. What works for a friend or family member might not work for you. Therefore, gaining clarity about what you want, or need, in order to pour into yourself is vital. Ask yourself the following questions before you get started for guidance:
- What do I want more of in order to relax? What do I want less of?
- What are my core values and how can I implement them into my routine?
- What activities light me up inside?
- What am I currently doing that drains my energy or wastes my time?
2.Learn a New Skill
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Learning a new skill not only challenges your brain in the best way, but it can also help you feel better too! According to Psychology Today, learning something new– even if it’s just for fun– keeps your brain engaged and healthy. Plus, self-discovery and self-care go hand in hand. Not only will you expand your mind, but you’ll also increase your sense of well-being by taking up a hobby that challenges and intrigues you. To get started, consider the following:
- Cooking a dish from a region you’re not accustomed to
- Gardening
- Sewing or knitting
- Learning a foreign language
- Playing a new sport
- Painting or drawing
- Photography
- Learning to play an instrument
3.Write Yourself a Letter
When was the last time you recognized the parts of yourself that you absolutely love, outside of your role as a mother? Writing a self-love letter is a simple yet effective self-care activity that will fill your cup. You can list the characteristics you love about yourself in bullet form. You can choose to focus on a tender memory that shaped your life or simply brought you joy. Or you can write to your inner child, praising yourself for the person you are today.
There’s no right or wrong way to write the letter since it’s solely for you. You can be as extravagant or detailed as you want. You can boast, you can brag, you can flex– it’s up to you. Simply focus on the positive aspects of your being (big or small) and watch the words flow. But most importantly, allow the letter to serve as a gentle reminder that you are worthy of love.
4.Try a New Product
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Sometimes self-care calls for products that help you relax. As a busy mom with tons on your schedule, a subscription box offers ways to sample new self-care products each month. Companies like Black Girl Magic Box curate health and wellness products from Black-owned businesses.
Do you need a bit of R&R but can’t pencil in a spa day? Refresh your bath and body products with Naked Bar Soap Co.’s luxurious soaps, body oils, and bath bombs to wind down at home. After unwinding, don’t forget that sleep is an essential part of self-care. Investing in products like sleep masks, weighted blankets, high-quality pajama sets, and essential oil diffusers can take your rest to the next level.
5.Schedule “Me Time”
Alone time can be hard to come by but it’s vital for mental health. Periods of solitude can reduce stress and give us a chance to check in with ourselves. When our brains have time to disconnect from life’s stressors when we’re secluded, we’re able to pour back into our families and friends when we return.
For some, "me time" might look like sitting in the car for ten minutes after returning from work. Or maybe it’s enlisting a babysitter to watch your children while you take yourself out on a date. Maybe it’s locking your bedroom door and catching up on your favorite shows while your partner holds down the fort. However you decide to carve out time for yourself, remember to hold fast to it. Add it to your calendar. Cancel plans with others if need be. Your alone time is non-negotiable and deserves space in your life.
6.Practice Gratitude
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Reflecting on the things we’re grateful for is a guaranteed mood booster. Not only that, but it provides an opportunity for introspection, too. There are hosts of gratitude journals that offer writing prompts and nuggets to reflect on, but a regular journal works just as well. If you’re new to journaling, don’t feel pressured to practice it daily. Jotting your thoughts down once a week or once a month is just as impactful.
Affirmations are another way to reflect on the good in your life (or the good that is on its way). They are typically short in length and easy to read or memorize. Place them in areas you frequent throughout the day– think bathroom mirror, car, or office– for a daily reminder of the beauty around you.
7.Get Grounded
Grounding, or earthing, is a therapeutic technique that involves activities that place you in contact with the earth. Examples of grounding include walking barefoot in the grass or sitting/lying on the ground. People who participate in grounding report an increase in mood and a decrease in anxiety and depression.
If skin-to-earth contact isn’t your vibe, taking part in outdoor activities is another self-care option. Attend a yoga class in the park. Go for a leisurely hike. Or simply sit on a bench. Being outdoors for even just a few minutes is enough to boost your mental well-being.
Motherhood comes with tasks that are constantly vying for our attention. And even though we know how important pouring into ourselves is, we don’t want to abandon our self-care routine because we’re burdened by it. The goal is to incorporate self-care activities into our daily lives in a sustainable way. It might take some trial and error to figure out what works for your lifestyle, but it’s worth the effort. You are worth the effort.
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