Black Women On The Soft Life Routines They're Unapologetically Cultivating
Ease. Peace. Restoration. Preservation. Most of us have probably seen the #softlife hashtag trending or the caption “soft life era” making its way to our feeds on various social media platforms. But what does having a soft life really mean? Despite the way that struggle and hardship are sometimes placed on a pedestal, the soft life trend is about journeying along the path of least resistance, embodying softness, and sensuality, and therefore walking into the fullness of your most authentic self. It is unapologetic feminine energy, and by that I mean, a prioritization of being in a world that places value on doing, achieving, and accomplishing. Your quality of life is no longer about how hard you work, how much you do, and constant sacrificing and compromising.
Instead, the quality of your life is about vibrating higher and knowing who you are beyond those things that society feeds to you as a qualifier of your worth. You rest in your self. You are at peace with your self. You are at one with the nature of ease and the freedom of being. And therefore, you are at one with your self. And no a soft life era doesn’t mean you have to quit your job in order to enjoy the fruits of solitude. Instead, it is about no longer working yourself to the bone or operating from a place of burnout and low self-worth. It’s the antithesis of burnout because you enforce boundaries and limit the energy drainers that have access to you in place of the energy givers.
How can one do this? Alexandra Karlyn, a neuroscientist who is passionate about sharing her soft life journey to others through TikTok and Instagram, explains to xoNecole, "The key to soft living is to acknowledge that you are already worthy. You have nothing to prove to anyone and you don't need to fill a void, because you're already whole, you are already 'that girl.' Your value is not caught up in how productive you are or how well you fit into a capitalist model."
In order to start your own soft life journey, content creator Jaz Turner offers this advice to women, "Practice boundaries, first, with yourself. Do you dread going to the gym? Try a workout class. If that doesn’t feel right, try an at-home online program. Stay authentic, always. Choose the path of least resistance. Listen to yourself, and to your body. Date yourself, and get to know yourself again. Hype yourself up. Let people take care of you. Rest. Relax. Pour into yourself. Do things for yourself that bring the biggest smile to your face. Forgive yourself. Be soft and be gentle with yourself."
For more inspiration to start your soft life era, Alexandra, Jaz, and Anne-Marie O. share their transition from hustle culture to a soft life, what a soft life means to them, and their soft life routines. Here's what they had to say.
What inspired you to transition to a soft life?
I've started to realize that in order to be my best self I have to take breaks and take care of myself. Working 24/7 can get you jaded and obsessed about minuscule things, essentially leading to a whole lot of stress. It sounds bad, but it's simply not worth it. It's not worth it to compromise your physical health as well as your mental health for the sake of hustling and grinding.
As Black women, I often find that we go the extra mile to prove ourselves which often leads to us overworking ourselves. We feel that we have to be there and show up for everyone. My stance is that for now, I'm being here for myself first. I'm looking after myself first. If I am at my happiest, relaxed, and content, I will be my best version. I will be a better girlfriend, daughter, friend, acquaintance, etc. to you.
What is a soft life?
To me, a soft life isn’t lounging around lavishly or brunching to no end. For me, it’s simply avoiding stresses that can lead to burnout, both professionally and privately. It also means recognizing potential stresses and choosing not to invite those into my life. I always say a quiet and abundant life is a happy life!
What does a soft life look like for you?
Although I am a freelancer, I pretty much work 24/7 five times a week. I make it a priority not to be bound to my phone or my laptop after 5:00 p.m. on most days. I celebrate new clients, new skills, and new contracts - regardless of how big or small and often reward myself, whether it is something I've had my eye on for a while or making my favorite breakfast on the weekends. Traveling is also a great way to unwind and nourish your mind and body.
How has life changed for you since entering your soft life era?
I'm a perfectionist so I used to get very stressed and bothered to complete all my tasks, even if that meant working until late hours. I'm now more likely to close my laptop because I recognize that in the grand scheme of things, it can wait until tomorrow.
Walk me through the typical soft life routine you gravitate towards that reminds you of pleasure and leisure.
If my mind is right, my body is right. In the morning, I tend to listen to a meditation on what I currently want to focus on. The internet is great, there's a vast amount of free materials to listen to. Having a healthy breakfast also sets the tone for the day and even sets the tone to decide, “You know what? For dinner, I'm having my favorite takeaway meal.” Also saying yes more can open a whole new horizon of possibilities. Being flexible and open to being spontaneous can completely change the trajectory of your life. In good measure, of course.
For more self-care and soft life from Anne, follow her on TikTok @annemarie_akin.
What inspired you to transition to a soft life?
For me, my hustle culture came in the form of school. From college to law school, to business school, everyone around me was “hustling.” Staying up all night, working hard, grinding, was seen as a badge of honor. The more “stressed” you appeared, the smarter people assumed you were. This hustle mentality had worked for most of my academic career until it did not. My body started to negatively respond to the energy drinks, all-nighters, and law school stress. I realized hustle culture was actually affecting my mental and physical health.
It wasn’t until I left law school, went to business school, and started pursuing TikTok that I started to live in my authenticity. I saw other women on TikTok live in their softness and authenticity. I quickly began to be motivated and inspired to go slower. I saw they were not hustling, were achieving more, and were more purpose-driven than those who prized “hustle culture.”
From the morning routines I saw on TikTok I began to take my mornings slower. I implemented routines and nurtured my passions. I started to pour into myself mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I began to choose myself and resisted uncomfortability. I was soft with myself. And I noticed once I made this change, I started to achieve even more than I ever had through “hustling.” I was purpose-driven, intentional, and feminine, and started to achieve all my dreams through softness.
What is a soft life?
Soft life means different things to different people. I believe TikTok has a habit of confusing “soft life” with “luxury.” It can tend to over-romanticize this idea of soft life and pigeonhole it into neutral colors, Pilates, and green juice. This is not the case. At least for me, it isn’t. Having a soft life means choosing the path of least resistance. People often think that suffering makes them worthy. Suffering is resistance. Hustle culture is resistance. Soft life is intentionality, mindfulness, daily habits, and routines, it’s a commitment. It's less about luxury, and more about knowing your worth, pouring into yourself. Listening to yourself. Letting things flow, being flexible with your journey.
"Having a soft life means choosing the path of least resistance. People often think that suffering makes them worthy. Suffering is resistance. Hustle culture is resistance. Soft life is intentionality, mindfulness, daily habits, and routines, it’s a commitment. It's less about luxury, and more about knowing your worth, pouring into yourself. Listening to yourself. Letting things flow, being flexible with your journey."
How has life changed for you since entering your soft life era?
Life has done a complete 180. I have actually accomplished more, achieved more, and have been a million times less stressed ever since entering my soft life era. Showing my healing journey, my soft life era, my femininity, on TikTok and IG has garnered a community of women who are like-minded, supportive, and authentic. I have built an income and a lifestyle from being soft with myself and motivating and inspiring others to live in this softness.
Walk me through the typical soft life routine you gravitate towards that reminds you of pleasure and leisure.
For me, soft life comes in its most pronounced form in the morning. I start every morning prioritizing myself. From choosing an alarm of birds chirping to wake up to, to my silk PJs that make me feel like “that girl,” to my cute Pilates/yoga set. To going to yoga or Pilates or any low-impact workout that makes my body feel good. To coming home to drink my green juice and my favorite avocado toast. To journaling and meditating before engaging with my TikTok community. I do this routine every morning, and prioritize myself before anyone else. I do this so that I can give people my all throughout the day, but not before myself.
My soft life can also come in the form of setting boundaries. With myself, my personal relationships, and professional relationships. It means listening to myself and noticing how I am feeling, and what that feeling is signifying. I am consistently authentic with myself. I live in and nurture my femininity, and lean into what brings me joy and passion.
Soft life can also mean if I wake up in the morning and don't want to work out, then that is how I am feeling, I honor that feeling, and I proceed as such. If I don't work out, I may spend a few extra minutes meditating or doing something else “good” for myself that morning.
For more soft life motivation and inspiration from Jaz, follow her on TikTok @jazturner16.
What inspired you to transition to a soft life?
Several burnouts during lockdown led to my transition away from hustle culture. Before making the switch, I was staying up late dreading the next day, and was constantly exhausted by the balancing act that I had come to call life. Time was just moving too fast. My journey to living a "soft life" began with a list of things that I would rather be doing with my time. Subsequently, I began looking for ways to create a life around that list.
What is a soft life?
A soft life means no longer feeling guilty about prioritizing a life that makes you feel happy. We work to live, not live to work, and that is something that we often overlook.
What does a soft life look like for you?
My soft life currently reflects three aspects: time with my kids and spouse, time doing things that I enjoy, and time to just be. This often means sitting out in the sun, rereading my favorite childhood novels to my kids, morning bicycle rides to the bakery, and things that I used to do as a child (roller skating, swinging at the park, painting, etc.) Why should we stop doing the activities that made us happy as children? I think it's important to make time for those things into adulthood.
How has life changed for you since entering your soft life era?
I'm happier. Now I have very clear boundaries when it comes to work and play. In addition, I've found that I procrastinate less and don't feel badly about not being productive every day. Ultimately, life no longer feels like a hamster wheel, one long work day with naps in between.
Walk me through the typical soft life routine you gravitate towards that reminds you of pleasure and leisure.
It's important that we acknowledge that a soft life looks different for everyone. Some people have to work more hours, whereas others have more flexibility. At the moment, I have "on days" and "off days." My "on days" are structured and productive from a work perspective, those days are when the bulk of my responsibilities are met. In contrast, "off days" are mostly doing what I feel like doing. Typically that involves doing something I enjoyed as a child: going for a bike ride while eating ice cream, creating a home DIY, watching my favorite movie, taking myself to breakfast, or just laying in the sun doing absolutely nothing.
The best part about it is it's guilt-free because I've set boundaries on when I work and when I relax.
For more soft life living inspo from Alexandra, follow her on TikTok @lexakarlyn.
Featured image courtesy of Anne-Marie O.
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This Black Woman-Owned Creative Agency Shows Us The Art Of Rebranding
Rebranding is an intricate process and very important to the success of businesses that want to change. However, before a business owner makes this decision, they should determine whether it's a rebrand or an evolution.
That's where people like Lola Adewuya come in. Lola is the founder and CEO of The Brand Doula, a brand development studio with a multidisciplinary approach to branding, social media, marketing, and design.
While an evolution is a natural progression that happens as businesses grow, a rebrand is a total change. Lola tells xoNecole, "A total rebrand is necessary when a business’s current reputation/what it’s known for is at odds with the business’s vision or direction.
"For example, if you’ve fundamentally changed what your product is and does, it’s likely that your brand is out of alignment with the business. Or, if you find your company is developing a reputation that doesn’t serve it, it might be time to pump the brakes and figure out what needs to change.
She continues, "Sometimes you’ll see companies (especially startups) announce a name change that comes with updated messaging, visuals, etc. That usually means their vision has changed or expanded, and their previous branding was too narrow/couldn’t encompass everything they planned to do."
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The Brand Doula was born in 2019, and its focus is on putting "the experiences, goals, and needs of women of color founders first," as well as brands with "culture-shifting missions."
According to Lola, culture-shifting is "the act of influencing dominant behavior, beliefs, or experiences in a community or group (ideally, for the better)."
"At The Brand Doula, we work with companies and leaders that set out to challenge the status quo in their industries and communities. They’re here to make an impact that sends ripples across the market," she says.
"We help the problem solvers of the world — the ones who aren't satisfied with 'this is how it's always been' and instead ask 'how could this be better?' Our clients build for impact, reimagining tools, systems, and ways of living to move cultures forward."
The Brand Doula has worked with many brands, including Too Collective, to assist with their collaboration with Selena Gomez's Rare Beauty and Balanced Black Girl for a "refresh," aka rebrand. For businesses looking to rebrand, Lola shares four essential steps.
1. Do an audit of your current brand experience — what’s still relevant and what needs to change? Reflect on why you’re doing the rebrand in the first place and what success would look like after relaunching.
2. Tackle the overall strategy first — before you start redesigning logos and websites, align on a new vision for your brand. How do you want your company to be positioned moving forward? Has your audience changed at all? Will your company have a fresh personality and voice?
3. Bring your audience along the journey — there’s no need to move in secret. Inviting your current audience into the journey can actually help them feel more connected to and invested in your story, enough to stick around as changes are being made.
4. Keep business moving — one of my biggest pet peeves is when companies take down their websites as soon as they have the idea to rebrand, then have a Coming Soon page up for months! You lose a lot of momentum and interest by doing that. If you’re still in business and generating income, continue to operate while you work on your rebrand behind the scenes. You don’t want to cut existing customers off out of the blue, and you also don’t want so much downtime that folks forget your business exists or start looking for other solutions.
While determining whether the rebrand was successful may take a few months, Lola says a clear sign that it is unsuccessful is negative feedback from your target audience. "Customers are typically more vocal about what they don’t like more than what they do like," she says.
But some good signs to look out for are improvements in engagement with your marketing, positive reviews, press and increase in retention, and overall feeling aligned with the new branding.
For more information about Lola and The Brand Doula, visit her website, thebranddoula.com.
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Women's Voting Organization Supermajority's CIO Talks Election Issues, Minus The Drama
Voting has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. As a child, my parents would pack my sister and me up in the car and allow us to take in the excitement of the polls during local and national elections.
Years later, in 2008, I voted in my first election for Barack Obama and emotionally celebrated his win surrounded by fellow classmates from Clark Atlanta, Spelman, and Morehouse.
I remember calling my grandmother, who has since transitioned, and hearing the passion in her voice when she explained how she’d never thought she’d see something like this happen and how much it meant to her. As I reflect, I realize it’s a combination of memories like this that undoubtedly encouraged my will to vote.
However, as an adult, my reasoning behind the practice has developed. It’s no longer just about “the right thing to do.” I feel a responsibility to myself and my future to know the issues, how they impact me, and make a difference for others.
In the times we’re in, there's so much “news” everywhere. It’s hard to distinguish fact from opinion and bias from beliefs. This is why it was such a pleasure speaking with Jara Butler, Chief Impact Officer of Supermajority. Supermajority is an organization focused on making women the most powerful voting bloc in the country. During this authentic and informal conversation, we talked about so much.
I learned about her time working with the Obama campaign and how she masterfully worked in multiple industries, and we shared some of our favorite female rap moments. However, in the snapshot you’ll read, we focused on the issues. Jara walked xoNecole through what’s most affecting women of color in this election and what we can do to be more aware. Whether you’re a politics girlie or like me, just trying to gain more insight, hopefully this convo connects with you.
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xoNecole: Let’s just jump right in. What are some of the most popular issues that you hear Black women discussing related to this election?
Jara Butler: Our sister organization, the Supermajority Education Fund, recently did some research specifically looking at young women in the age group 18 to 35, and young Black women identified their economic well-being as a priority. Right now, we're in a place where a lot of us, especially young Black women, are finding that meeting those basic needs are harder and harder.
Secondly, is Project 2025. I think Black women see it as not just something that could happen, but actively happening. For example, we’ve all been watching the case with the Fearless fund, and how it's been targeted. We know Black women are very entrepreneurial. We can go back to Madam C.J. Walker and others who have opened the door for all of us to achieve. But if those barriers are in place, we're just not going to be able to meet that.
Lastly, Repro is a very big issue. But I think looking at it holistically and not just about abortion is important. Black women are more likely to talk about this from a perspective of our reproductive health care and the lack of access due to medical racism. As a Black woman myself, who's over 40, a lot of the changes that I am making in my life are because I have to do everything I can to put myself in a position, because I know no matter what my economic status is, if I walk into a medical office, there's a good chance I'm gonna face medical discrimination. Breast cancer screenings, colon cancer screening, ovarian cancer screening, cervical cancer screenings - all of those are part of that network of reproductive health.
xoN: Another issue I’d love your insight into is our missing girls. I think it's so unbelievable how much this is swept under the rug. There are so many stories about Black women that are continuing to go missing; I don’t understand how that’s not a bigger conversation. Is this something that can be pursued on the government level and what can we do to bring more attention to this issue?
Jara: We have this list of majority rules on our website, and my favorite one is: that our government represents us. I think that we have to continue to apply pressure to our government to meet our needs. And again, women are the majority of voters. Black women, especially, are the most reliable voting bloc across all groups, and our interests right now are not being met. So yes, there is something that we can do, but I also am a big proponent of us having these conversations.
My great-grandmother was enslaved, my grandmother was born into Jim Crow, and I watched my mother face economic insecurity. I say that because, as a Black community, we have to have an internal conversation to talk about these issues, and we have to do it upfront. I think we have to get into a position of realizing that we do have power, and how we activate that power.
Our power comes from being Black folks because Black people organizing has been enough to shake up and scare people. There were laws that prevented us from congregating together, even at church, because they knew what would happen when we got together. We have to get back into that. It's not that we are not doing it, but the urgency needs to be greater. And finally, we have to get away from depending on one individual to take us there. It's gonna take all of us.
"Our power comes from being Black folks because Black people organizing has been enough to shake up and scare people. There were laws that prevented us from congregating together, even at church, because they knew what would happen when we got together. We have to get back into that. It's not that we are not doing it, but the urgency needs to be greater."
xoN: I agree completely. Now, when we started, you mentioned money. So let’s talk about it. So many of us are starting businesses and getting degrees, and I love to see it. But everyone seems to still be having a lot of the same issues around finances. What are some of the underlying reasons behind this debt that we're dealing with, and how can voting influence these challenges without getting into the individual candidates?
Jara: Hello! Let’s talk about the money! Black women have been told that if we want to move ahead, we have to have that master's degree. We have to be twice as good. So we met that measure, right? But in order to do that, we have to pay for it. Up until about the 1970s college was absolutely affordable. You could work one job and pay for college with some money left over. That has changed.
Realistically, student loans are a barrier. They are a barrier to access housing. They impact our credit, and really and truthfully, depending on how much your loans are, they could affect you paying rent. It basically creates a cycle of debt. And I have real problems with people who say, get a degree in something that's going to make money. It’s about your skills, and if you have the skills, you should be able to earn a living. That covers that.
But the fact is that student loan debt continues to increase, and there have been attempts, more than once, to try to relieve some of that pressure. The reality is that this is a squeeze. It is a conundrum, and we see efforts by the current White House administration to try to alleviate those things, even when they are stopped.
But truly, Congress needs to step in and support this, but I would take it a step further. We should be considering and looking at what it would look like if we had free community colleges. Because what we have now is two generations of borrowers, because older millennials’ children are beginning to age. Black women have the highest degree of second-degree secondary education, but we carry like 1.7 trillion in debt or something like that. I can't remember the exact number, but basically, the majority of the student loan debt is ours.
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xoN: Speaking of college, obviously there’s a lot of discussion around affirmative action in the schools and the undergoing changes. How important is it to consider this topic, and are there any new laws or policies being proposed around this that we should be aware of?
Jara: Oh my goodness, affirmative action is one of the things that we saw that our sister site, the Supermajority Education Fund, found last year as a number two issue for young women. I actually hypothesized that it was a real thing, and it was. And the reason for that is that affirmative action as a whole has been something that benefited white women more than any other group.
However, what is happening is that we’re using the word DEI in a way that is derogatory. I’ve heard people refer to it as: “didn't even earn it.” And as a Black woman who attended an amazing school, I remember being in class and having someone make that comment, knowing my grades were higher than theirs.
The fact of the matter is that we would not need these policies if we lived in an equal and equitable society. It doesn't do us any harm for us to face the facts that this country was built off the backs of enslaved people and the blood of indigenous people, and off the sweat and the tears of immigrants. But because we are unwilling to face that, we now are demonizing programs that are actually meant to create some symbol of balance.
xoN: Finally, I’ll close with this, what can we do to provide information to young people, and how do we combat all of the less than researched info?
Jara: One thing I encourage is to look at the source. At Supermajority, our social channels are information-based. We strive to provide up-to-date accurate information that is digestible to all. Media literacy is something I believe in, and unfortunately, it is something that we have a responsibility to continue to share with the community at large. So much of our world is centered on immediate info, a lie spreads faster than the truth.
We just saw that with the Olympic women's boxers, and we have to ask ourselves often: is this information accurate? Who is telling the story? Most importantly, how am I an original contributor? Not everything said needs to be shared, and not every thought needs to be public.
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