The technical definition of reparenting yourself is giving yourself what you didn't have as a child. While I agree, the journey to successfully giving your inner child what you didn't receive is not that cut and dry - you can think you've as Auntie Iyanla says "done the work," and then you're triggered out of nowhere and have to go back to square one. Wellness is a journey, and to successfully explore reparenting; you have to be prepared for those curveballs your inner child throws at you.
Last summer, I went to visit my dad, stepmom, and my little brother. When I arrived, he told me my younger sister was coming too. I was excited because I hadn't seen her in years (there's six of us, I'm the second oldest.) My siblings and I aren't close, but I'm always optimistic, so I was excited to see her but I'll admit I just wanted to hang with my dad. We have a great relationship, but like any parent/child dynamic, it's had its struggles, especially when you consider that I'm his oldest daughter.
Overall, my takeaway from most older siblings I encounter is that there's often underlying jealousy of their younger siblings and resentment for their parents. Most of us are seeing them engage, show up, and overall navigate life differently with our siblings in ways that they never did with us. Not to mention the painful moments that our siblings either never experienced or are too young to remember that being older, we recount vividly. These aren't easy emotions to navigate, especially with people that you love deeply.
Moments like those, and what happened next can be triggering AF - but it showed me that I wasn't as past my childhood trauma as I thought, and it gave me the crash course in inner child healing that I needed.
The night my sister arrived, my dad told me that he was getting her a car because she was starting college. When I left for college, my father was in prison, and my mother was unemployed - it was rough, so it stung, but I was happy for her. Still, I knew I had to set boundaries and not physically be there when they went to the dealership. We spent every other day together working out, having family dinners, swimming in his development, etc. but that day, I made sure (without causing a scene, you can set boundaries and not be selfish) that I would be MIA.
Before they left for the dealership, my dad dropped me off at Starbucks to work, I told him I missed writing, and that this was my Saturday routine at home (which is true) so he wouldn't suspect anything.
He never said anything, but my guess is he didn't buy it because he called several times to ask if I was okay, and I said yes every time. I had the best day to myself, the hours flew by, and once they finished, he showed up to get me. Minutes into the car ride, I realized they weren't finished; we were going back to the dealership - the same dealership I told him I didn't want to go to. They had to sign some additional papers, and when they got out the car and walked towards the convertible he was all set to purchase, I felt myself losing it.
I got out of the car, and I walked far enough so that no one could see me, and I called my mother crying hysterically. It didn't matter that I had a car that I loved, in that moment, I was 17, and even though my dad was within reach of me, I instantly felt abandoned. The emotions that followed shocked me even more because out of nowhere, I started to get flashbacks about my ex. It was as if my unresolved trauma was like, "Wait you forgot something," and I cried even harder, thinking of all the ways my ex showed up for other women that he never did for me.
I was a mess, a complete mess.
As I dried my tears, my mom calmed me down and reminded me of where we are now and that I was safe. She told me that had my dad been home, he would have been there and that his absence didn't mean he didn't care about my needs, it meant he was in prison - a place where he was suffering too. Once we got home, I went for a swim by myself, and guess who showed up? My dad.
He told me that he was sorry if seeing him do things for my sister that he couldn't do for me was painful, and that if I wanted, he would trade in my car too. The 15-year-old in me who would've killed for a punch buggy convertible wanted to respond, "Hell yeah!" But the 26-year-old adult whose car is almost paid off knew that wouldn't fix anything. The car wasn't the issue, the feelings of inadequacy were.
Inner child healing is admitting what the issues are, even when you don't want to face what's underneath the surface. If you've ever had a moment like mine, remember these things as you embark on your reparenting journey:
Your parents were not born to be your parents.
Jada Pinkett Smith's episode of Red Table Talk on forgiving her father gave me the reality check I needed. Along with her brother actor Caleeb Pinkett, the talk show host delved into how she forgave her father - and the moment where she realized that she'd been emotionally dependent on him based on his title:
"I had the most startling realization that Rob's life wasn't about him being my father. It was about him being on his journey, and along the way, he just happened to give life to me."
Freeing yourself from this narrative in your mind allows you to not only forgive your parents, but anyone else who you arrogantly assume has to behave a certain way because of the position they hold in your life.
Remind yourself where you are now.
Trauma can't be all you set your thoughts on; you need to tell yourself good things too. Lately, I remind myself of the small things that are different when I find myself getting sad; I say things like, "I have a growing relationship with God. I'm loved. I'm maturing daily. I'm meeting my own needs. I live in a beautiful home. I'm kind to others."
Affirm the truths that reflect where you are now, not the hurt of your past. Also, enjoy the good parts of your childhood too. My parents passed down much more than trauma - they gave me an understanding of God, creativity, sass and whit, money to travel the world, intelligence, and the freedom to explore any career path that I wanted.
Give everything you ever needed to yourself.
Reparenting can bring up a range of emotions for people who were abandoned, adopted, had inconsistent parents, etc. but here's something that we can all universally apply - your parents don't owe you shit but life. In my mind, I thought my dad should have been as gentle as Woody Carmichael from Spike Lee's Crooklyn, or as hands-on as Flex Washington from the UPN show, One on One, but all of that was rooted in my childlike ignorance of how life worked.
Asking my dad to be anything other than who he was, a young father with minimal references of what a man needed to be for his children was unrealistic AF. Beyond that, wrapping my head around this freed me from looking to anyone to fill voids within me. No one can be everything for you, and embracing this, allowed me to tap into a level of emotional self-sufficiency (and accountability to myself) that I never knew I could.
Have a real conversation with your parents about your childhood trauma (if possible).
A turning point for my dad and me after not speaking for a while was sitting down and talking about everything we left unsaid over the years. He told me things from his childhood that hurt him and admitted that without even knowing he'd been parenting me through the lens of what he didn't have, completely ignoring what I needed and I told him how his behavior affected how I interacted with men.
For the first time, I saw that much of my sensitivity comes from him and that he held onto things just like I did. That conversation made it clear that we both needed to reparent ourselves, and for the first time, I saw my dad for who he was, as a person, and quite frankly, as a child. Additionally, that discussion showed me how important it was that I continue to heal, so my children won't need to have a similar talk with me years from now.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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