Publicist Sakita Holley Wants You To Stop Playing Small
As boss and career women, we often don't realize how we can sometimes be our worst enemies when it comes to putting ourselves in the running for life-changing experiences. A few weeks ago, the Hashtags & Stilettos podcast episode "Stop Playing Small" by longtime podcaster crush and House of Success PR founder Sakita HolIey had me seriously evaluating how I really wasn't playing as big I thought in my career. Sakita's firm handles everything from product launches, media outreach, social media management, as well as influencer and consumer marketing engagement for top beauty and lifestyle brands. As an eleven-year industry vet and full-time entrepreneur for eight years, Sakita is no stranger to playing small and the debilitating effects it has on us Black women as individuals and as a collective.
According to Sakita, playing small can manifest itself in a variety of ways. She notes, "It's anytime that you deny the full scope of your ability or when you try to shrink yourself. It could even be in a physical sense such as when you try to sit in the back of a room. You always downplay. You self-deprecate, make jokes, and belittle yourself for any reason."
Sound familiar? Sakita spoke to xoNecole to share more about tips for combatting playing small, how it affects our finances, and why we as Black women need to come together and demand what we're worth. No matter what stage of the career journey you're on, Sakita's advice will help you get started towards showing up and showing out when it comes to your accomplishments and capabilities.
Photo Credit: Bola Okoya @Primo_Supremo
Why did you feel the need to talk about the issue of “playing small”?
The reason I did the Hashtags & Stilettos episode is because I needed to call it out. I had to shine a light on it in the ways I [play small.] I also know that there are so many people who suffer from it and downplay their abilities, the work that they do, and what they've earned in life. There are so many ways that you can dim your own light. Playing small is impacting our businesses, careers and how truly full of a life we can live.
We live in a society right now that due to social media, if you don't post, it didn't really happen. If we want to get an idea of who people are, the first place we go to look is their social media. If you're playing small or not sharing all of your greatness, what we do share becomes what we see. It also becomes the story that we tell ourselves about that person. While we can't control other people's perception of us or what they see, we are in control of how we present ourselves. That's something we need to play attention to.
How has playing small cost you money or opportunities?
I'm a lowkey and private person. I don't crave the spotlight at all. But, in public relations and having your own business, you constantly need to or should be on the scene. People should see you and know what you're doing. You should talk about your work. For a long time, I have not done that. [However,] I know that every time that I do, it brings some business leads. When I think about the years that I didn't, I'm thinking about all of that missed opportunity.
For other people as well, when you don't put your name in the running for things, you're playing small. When you know you'd be perfect for a role or for a project, and you don't raise your hand, [you're playing small.]
What are some practical ways that we can stop playing small and start putting ourselves out there for more opportunities?
1. To play big, disconnect from the fear of self-doubt in your mind. If you see something that you want to go for that sparks something within you, go for it before you start thinking about it.
2. Have people around that can hold you accountable and push you in that direction so that you're not second-guessing yourself or being too afraid to pursue things or apply for things.
3. [We get caught up in] rejection committee thinking. A lot of times we assess a situation and think we're so smart. We think we're being logical and [list] all the reasons why someone might tell us no. "If someone wants to tell you NO, they don't need your help to do it." They don't need you to list reasons to not hire or give you a promotion.
4. Focus on the reasons why you are a great fit. That's what you need to be trying to leverage when you put yourself out there.
5. Leave it to chance. When you put yourself out there, there's a 50/50 chance that it can work out or a chance that it won't. As long as you're not going to die, those odds are fine.
6. Play big at every single stage of your career journey or business journey. Even if you're starting out, you're still good at something. Even if it's just one thing. Put yourself out there to do more of that thing or for more opportunities that will get you more experience or visibility with the right people that can change the game for your career.
Photo Credit: Bola Okoya @Primo_Supremo
"Play big at every single stage of your career journey or business journey. Even if you're starting out, you're still good at something."
As Black women, how does demanding what we’re worth affect the larger community?
We're working harder than anyone else. We work more than anyone else. Oftentimes, we are struggling more than anyone else -- even with the amount of excellence that we put forth. We're always getting the short end of the stick. By evening the playing field and earning what we're worth, that will help the people coming up behind us. The people next to us will also be able to get what they are worth.
The more we're doing this as a collective in our own little lanes and lives, we help everyone else. If I'm getting what I'm worth, then I'm now in a position to provide opportunities for someone else. I'm now in a position to share resources that I may not have had before. Imagine all of us being in a position to help one other person. It grows from there. When we're barely getting by ourselves and still doing excellent work, we can barely help ourselves. How can we help someone else?
Is there ever a time when playing small is beneficial?
No. The only thing playing small does is it keeps you safe and keeps you comfortable. It may feel warm and cozy, but it doesn't allow you to grow.
What resources have helped you along this journey of playing big?
A great book is The Dip by Seth Godin. It teaches you when to stick and when to quit. If you want to be the best and be great, you will have to go through a "dip." There will be times when it gets really hard. In order to get to that winning place, you have to get through it.
The 50th Law by 50 Cent and Robert Green is all about doing things in the face of fear. It uses 50 Cent's story of how he almost died. He's literally fearless. We see that in how he moves and does business. He doesn't always make the right choices or say the right things but he is fearless and that has helped him tremendously in business.
Like any muscle, we'll need to increase the reps in order to start seeing results.
As Sakita mentions during the end of our chat, "If we practice playing big or putting ourselves out there, it will become second nature." I feel the fervor and determination in her voice as she says, "Every day, you get another chance to be mindful of your actions and how your choices and decision impact your career...there's so many things that I have to go through to get to that winning place, but I know if I continue to move in this direction, I cannot lose in the grand scheme of things."
So, the next time you start talking yourself out of driving towards that big dream, what will you choose to do?
To get inspiration on how you can stop playing small, follow Sakita Holley on Instagram.
Featured Image Credit: Bola Okoya @Primo_Supremo
Originally published on March 22, 2019
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Rana Campbell is a Princeton University graduate, storyteller, content marketing strategist, and the founder and host of Dreams In Drive - a weekly podcast that teaches you how to take your dreams from PARK to DRIVE. She loves teaching others how to use their life stories to inspire action within oneself and others. Connect with her on Instagram @rainshineluv or @dreamsindrive.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images