6 Practical Ways To Feel More Fulfilled In Your Relationships
Sometimes we think that if we had no expectations, lowered our standards, suppressed our feelings, or didn't express our needs, our relationships would be easier to manage. It would make it impossible for people to feel frustrated, overwhelmed, or annoyed with us. Ultimately, they wouldn't leave, and we'd never feel the pain of abandonment.
Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way.
By lowering our expectations and hiding our needs, we abandon ourselves and the things we need to feel safe in relationships with other people. There have been times I've told friends, "I don't ask for much. I don't require much. Why isn't this working?" Over time I realized it wasn't working because I wasn't being authentic. I wasn't being honest about what I needed to make the relationship work. I was playing myself. And why should I be rewarded for that?
Why should any of us be rewarded for playing ourselves?
If we're going to feel fulfilled in our relationships, we have to give ourselves permission to do the following:
1.Be honest about who you are.
Attempting to gain acceptance by hiding who we are and taking on a persona we think people would like more causes us to feel unseen, unloved, and lonely. We start to feel like we're not good enough and that we'll never be loved. To build lasting relationships, we must be honest about who we are and what we need. Finding the courage to be honest about who we are is scary, especially if we've experienced rejection in the past.
It's natural to want to protect ourselves from that pain by hiding who we are. But we owe it to ourselves to heal so we can experience freedom in our relationships and feel at peace. If you find yourself questioning what you need to do and who you need to be to make your relationship work or gain someone’s attention, it may be time to reflect on your desire to be in the relationship.
2.Practice delayed gratification.
How different would life be if we waited for what we really wanted? Sometimes we force ourselves to bend and contort to fit in spaces we don't belong because we feel like the relationship is the best we can do. We feel uncomfortable being alone or fear that we're running out of time as we watch our peers partner and get married. Fear takes over, and we feel pressured to settle.
Making decisions out of fear often leads to unfulfillment because we risk over-compromising on things that matter most. We have to find the courage to honor ourselves and our values even when we're scared, even if that means walking away and continuing to wait for what we want and deserve.
3.Stop justifying the unjustifiable.
When you're settling for less than you deserve, you may also find yourself justifying your decision to remain committed to the relationship. Statements like, "I know people who are dealing with worse" and "Nobody is perfect" cause us to stay in places far longer than we need to. They also help us deal with feeling ashamed and embarrassed about our situation. Anyone that raises concern is promptly shut down because we don't want to deal with the feelings and concerns we've become accustomed to denying.
We start looking for any small sign that our discomfort is worth it; if we practice patience, things will get better. But when we're honoring ourselves in our relationships, we won't need to justify our decision to stay to ourselves or the people who love us.
4.Work on the relationship you have with yourself.
When we're operating from a basis of self-love and high self-esteem, we're less likely to settle than we deserve. When we don't think highly of ourselves, we may question if we deserve to have the relationship and love we desire. We'll question our worthiness, choose people who aren't suitable for us, and force ourselves to stay.
5.Stop staying and complaining.
Sometimes when we lower our standards to remain in a relationship, we feel our partner should express gratitude by giving us the things we desire. Like, "Look how great I am. You should want to be different or be better so you can stay in a relationship with me." Our ego gets the better of us, and instead of leaving we demand that someone else change to make us more comfortable in the relationship. No one wakes up and spontaneously combusts into a new person; if they do, they've likely been motivated to change for themselves, not for someone else. When we maintain our position in the relationship and complain to anyone who will listen about our unhappiness, we further frustrate ourselves. Complaining may make us feel in control because we can offload heavy feelings, but we aren't doing the work to build long-term fulfillment.
Most importantly, we can't convince someone we're worthy of things as we desire if we continue to tolerate and make space for the treatment we claim to be better than. At a certain point, who are we trying to convince? Them or ourselves?
6.Practice acceptance.
When we accept someone for who they are, we also accept that they may not be the person for us. We won't be able to be in healthy relationships with everyone we like or love, and that's okay. "You can love someone and not be compatible with them." Instead of searching for a solution based on either of you changing yourselves to make it work, it may be time to move on. Letting go isn't easy, but one of the ways we practice love in action is by making space for ourselves and others to be in community and partnership with people they can be their authentic selves with.
Abandoning ourselves for love and settling for less than we deserve causes us to end up in unhappy and unfulfilling relationships. We become disconnected from our partners and ourselves, and we miss out on the chance to experience deeper love and connection; we miss out on the opportunity to create something special. Waiting for the relationship and love we deserve can make us feel anxious, but it's always worth it. It's the only way to find lasting happiness and fulfillment.
So don't be afraid to reject or let go of things that don't serve you. You're worth it.
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ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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