What Will Smith Taught Me About Setting Expectations
"Becoming Mr. & Mrs. Smith" was the title of Red Table Talk's most recent episode. I immediately pressed play on a video that I knew would lend insight that I long anticipated from one of my favorite celebrity couples: Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith. The pair sat alongside co-hosts, Adrienne Banfield-Jones and Willow Smith, to dissect how Will and Jada met, the growth of their relationship, and how they've successfully sustained their 20-year marriage.
Gems were shared and feelings were felt — and as I jotted down key takeaways, there was one idea I just couldn't shake: setting expectations.
About midway through the interview, Will recounts a moment that was pivotal in how the pair learned to address each other and approach conflict in their relationship. Will recalls the moment when Jada cussed at him publicly at a party they hosted. Will's then two-year-old son, Trey, was present for the altercation. Will immediately asked to speak with Jada separately to make his expectation known.
"I said Jada, this is the deal. I grew up in a household where I watched my father punch my mother in the face and I will not create a house, a space, an interaction with a person where there is profanity and violence. If you have to talk to me like that, we won't be together. We're not gonna use any profanity in our interactions, we're not gonna raise our voice, we're not going to be violent. Because I can't do it."
In that moment, Will set the standard. He was clear about his expectation and was committed to upholding it.
Will refused to entertain any conversation with Jada that involved profanity or yelling. He was clear in setting that stage and told Jada to "get out" when she scoffed at the idea. He was serious, and if she didn't know before that conversation, it was clear that she knew after.
Watching the pair agree on how serious Will was about the expectation he set triggered me in a way I didn't expect. It made me recall moments where I should have done the same; moments where clear expectations either should have been set and weren't, or where my expectations were not met and I convinced myself to be okay with it.
I reflected on my personal relationships and how many of them were built on low expectations and failed accountability. I had a list in my head of what I wanted my relationships to be like, and the behaviors I desired (and expected) from my partner, but I never upheld those expectations. Instead, I diminished the severity of the offense and let it slide until the things I let slide became habits I didn't like. And inevitably, those habits turned to bad arguments and ugly breakups.
Watching this episode of Red Table Talk — admittedly one of my favorite episodes of the series thus far — helped shift not just my thinking about sustaining relationships, but also how I choose to start them. It encouraged me to begin setting clear expectations and standing firmly by them. It taught me to be willing to show someone the door if they're not willing to meet me where I stand. And it reminded me that the relationship I'm meant to have will include honesty, partnership, and standards (emphasis on standards).
Some of us shy away from being direct and stern in our expectations and boundaries, but there should be no confusion in how we, as adults, approach our relationships. Much like Will and Jada, we should set a standard and come to a mutual understanding of what our expectations are, and whether we will walk away or stick it through.
"It was 20 years before we used profanity in any conversation we had. We didn't use profanity in any argument we had, we didn't raise our voices, we took communication courses," they collectively shared, reflecting on how critical this expectation was for the success of their relationship-turned-marriage.
So what's the bottom line?
Stand firm in what you require. Make your needs, desires, and expectations clear from the beginning. Work on finding a partner who will collaborate with you to ensure these important needs are met (and vice versa). And if you two can't commit to doing so, perhaps you shouldn't commit to each other.
Related Stories:
The Reason Jada Pinkett-Smith Never Saw Herself Being Married To Will - Read More
What I Learned From Oprah's Advice About Attracting Your Best Partner - Read More
Changing The Narrative For Women When It Comes To Love And Dating - Read More
Zoe Hunter is the writer, speaker, and creator behind the women empowerment brand DEAR QUEENS. She uses vulnerability, storytelling, and spiritual development to empower women toward healthy decision-making. Stay connected to Zoe's work by visiting DEARQUEENS.com or following her on Twitter @zDEARQUEENS.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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You've Never Seen Luke James In A Role Quite Like This
Over the years, we've watched Luke James play countless characters we'd deem sex symbols, movie stars, and even his complicated character in Lena Waithe's The Chi. For the first time in his career, the New Orleans-born actor has taken on a role where his signature good looks take a backseat as he transforms into Edmund in Them: The Scare—a mentally deranged character in the second installment of the horror anthology series that you won't be able to take your eyes off.
Trust us, Edmund will literally make you do a double take.
xoNecole sat down with Luke James to talk about his latest series and all the complexity surrounding it—from the challenges taking on this out-of-the-box role to the show's depiction of the perplexing history of the relationship between Black Americans and police. When describing the opportunity to bring Edmund's character to life, Luke was overjoyed to show the audience yet another level of his masterful acting talents.
"It was like bathing in the sun," he said. "I was like, thank you! Another opportunity for me to be great—for me to expand my territory. I'm just elated to be a part of it and to see myself in a different light, something I didn't think I could do." He continued, "There are parts of you that says, 'Go for it because this is what you do.' But then also that's why it's a challenge because you're like, 'um, I don't know if I'm as free as I need to be to be able to do this.' Little Marvin just created such a safe space for me to be able to do this, and I'm grateful for everything I've been able to do to lead to this."
Courtesy
Them: The Scare, like the first season, shines a light on the plight of Black Americans in the United States. This time, the story is taking place in the 1990s, at the height of the Rodney King riots in Los Angeles. While the series presents many underlying themes, one that stands out is Black people and the complicated relationship with the police. "For the audience, I think it sets the tone for the era that we're in and the amount of chaos that's in the air in Los Angeles and around the country from this heinous incident. And I say it just sets the tone of the anxiety and anxiousness that everybody is feeling in their own households."
James has been a longtime advocate against police brutality himself. He has even featured Elijah McClain, the 23-year-old Colorado man who died after being forcibly detained by officers, as his Instagram avatar for the past five years. So, as you can imagine, this script was close to his heart. "Elijah was a soft-loving oddball. Different than anyone but loving and a musical genius. He was just open and wanted to be loved and seen."
Getty Images
Luke continued, "His life was taken from him. I resonate with his spirit and his words...through all the struggle and the pain he still found it in him to say, 'I love you and I forgive you.' And that's who we are as people—to our own detriment sometimes. He's someone I don't want people to forget. I have yet to remove his face from my world because I have yet to let go of his voice, let go of that being [because] there's so many people we have lost in our history that so often get forgotten."
He concluded, "I think that's the importance of such artwork that moves us to think and talk about it. Yes, it's entertaining. We get to come together and be spooked together. But then we come together and we think, 'Damn, Edmund needed someone to talk to. Edmund needed help... a lot [of] things could have been different. Edmund could have been saved.'
Check out the full interview below.
Luke James Talks Ditching Sex Symbol Status For "Them: The Scare", Elijah McClain, & Morewww.youtube.com
Featured image by Getty Images