An Extremely Underestimated Sign That You're With The Right Person
"Black men, we're in constant warfare. Every day is a fight outside of my house, so why would I want to come home to more fighting when that is the very place where I should be resting? There are loved ones who I don't speak to as much anymore because they aren't peaceful people. A huge part of the reason why I am happier without my ex is she was rarely a source of peace. The older I get, the more I realize that peace really is the foundation of everything; especially relationships, because how can I nurture anything if I'm in a constant state of influx and chaos? Guys don't care how fine a woman is or how great the sex may be if she's not peaceful because there is nothing more valuable than peace. If the closest person to me is not a source of it, that can ultimately play a role in all kinds of disruption and destruction. No man wants that."
My ever-since-college friend Anthonol recently said that as I was talking to him about a conclusion that I have firmly come to after having countless conversations with men about what they prize more than just about anything in a long-term relationship. Yep, you guessed it — peace. I don't care if the guy is 18 or 60, single or married, I can't tell you how many times a man has told me that they have remained with someone or left them in a heartbeat and it was all because that individual, for them, was not a very peaceful person and/or did they cultivate an environment of peace.
And honestly, I get it. The older — and hopefully wiser — that I become myself, something that I too value is peace. I want to be a haven of peace. I want the people around me to cultivate an atmosphere of peace. And yes, I will be quick-fast-and-in-a-real-hurry to remove myself from people, places, things and ideas that do not bring peace to my space and psyche.
Personally, whenever I think of the word "peace", the Hebrew word for it comes to mind — shalom. One of my favorite things about the word is it has so many meanings. Today, I want to touch on five of them in hopes that, if someone reading this is looking of a bona fide and surefire sign that they are with the person who is truly right for them, they will 1) come to understand that peace is absolutely essential and 2) gain even more clarity on what peace is — and requires.
Tranquility
The reason why I picked a GIF that has the ocean in it is for this particular point is because that type of environment is what immediately comes to my mind whenever I think of tranquility. To be tranquil is all about being peaceful and calm. That's already dope; however, there is more to it than that. Did you know that another definition of tranquil is "free from or unaffected by disturbing emotions"? That said, another male friend of mine (who prefers to be off the record) said something that really stood out to me — "Women don't mind feeling a wide range of emotions throughout the day. Some of y'all will literally be like, 'I want to cry. Let me find a movie that will make that happen.' Your emotional focus and sometimes even resilience is wired like that. We like to remain as even as possible because there is so much going on that we know we need to remain centered and focused. So, anything or one that constantly triggers us to be upset, bothered or angry, we'll avoid that."
To me, here is a great place to start. When you're in a healthy relationship, it will not consist of you constantly feeling disturbed, confused or unsettled. Typically, when we're feeling that way, it's alerting us to the fact that something is…off. And if things are always off, something is…really off. No relationship is perfect and there are going to be times when things are a little disruptive. Still, if you can't use "calming" as a way to define what you are currently in, don't ignore that reality check. Please ponder what's really going on.
Agreement/Harmony
Another word that defines peace is agreement. Here's the thing about that, though. To agree is "to have the same views, emotions, etc." and "get along together". This speaks to having similar views, values and to some extent, even communication styles. Still, don't sleep on another definition of the word which is to "come to an arrangement or understanding". You know what this means, right? People who are in peaceful relationships, even when they don't have the same views or feelings about something, they are able to negotiate. Peaceful people are the folks who are far more interested in keeping the relationship healthy and moving forward than being right all of the time. They can compromise. They are open to hearing someone else's point of view. They can even agree to disagree when needed.
Another definition of agree is harmony. I'm a huge music fan, so that makes me think of a choir. Sopranos, altos and tenors all sound different yet when they come together and everyone knows and does their part (which is so key, y'all), the collective sound is beautiful. Men and women aren't supposed to be the same. There are proven scientific differences that help us to come together and cultivate a balance — a beautiful sound, so to speak. When it comes to your relationship, do you have similar views? Do you get along more times than not? When there is discourse, can you come to an understanding that you both can feel good about? If not…why not?
Wholeness
Something that I shared not too long ago is I'm a firm believer that no one should expect another person to make them happy. Humans are fallible; they tend to be pretty fickle too, so there are going to be times when they disappoint you, hurt your feelings and straight up piss you off. If you feel like they should never do that, because they should be the source of your happiness, you really should stay single because that expectation is unrealistic as all get out. I mean, do you make yourself happy all of the time? Exactly.
Same thing goes for another definition of shalom-peace which is wholeness. While a partner can help to cultivate a sense of wholeness, it shouldn't be expected of them to "make you whole". No, the focus here should be more along the lines of "containing all the elements properly belonging". Healthy relationships are better able to go the distance when they contain the "core ingredients" that make a relationship work and last — love, respect, patience, support, consistency, attentiveness and similar relational goals are certainly a great place to start.
I can't tell you how many couples I've worked with where the love is there yet so many other things are lacking. You can't ever truly be at peace in a relationship if what it takes to make one work is fractionated on some level. Is yours? It can never hurt to direct this same question to your partner too.
Completion
While it might seem a bit redundant to have wholeness and completion listed as signs of peace, even when shalom is broken down, the words are separated. I get why too. It's because while complete does mean "having all the required or customary characteristics, skills, or the like", it also means "thorough", "consummate" and "uncompromised". Let's break all three down a bit, shall we?
Thorough. When it comes to relationships (really, when it comes to almost anything), very few words are literally gonna make me literally tingle more than proactive and thorough. A thorough person pays attention to detail. A thorough person isn't negligent. A thorough person is extremely careful when it comes to what they say and do. And a person like that? How can they not be seen as a source of peace?
Consummate. You wanna know why couples can get their marriage annulled if they never had sex? It's because sex is considered to be what completes their wedding day. Yes, to consummate is to complete. It's also to fulfill and to fulfill is to satisfy. It's very easy to feel peaceful in a relationship when you also feel satisfied with the person you are with. Not that you are needy (needy people are like a bottomless pit); that your needs are being met — the needs that you've clearly expressed and your partner has verbally agreed to meet.
Uncompromised. Whenever I think of the word "uncompromised", I think of character and stability. While again, no human being is perfect, someone who operates from a space of being uncompromised is someone who says what they mean and means what they say. You can trust them because they are dependable, reliable and steady. And how can you not feel totally at peace with a person like that?
Restoration
One more. Y'all, let me preface this final word by saying, it is no one's job to save or restore us. EVER. That is God's task and even then, we've got to be willing to do a lot of work, along with his help.
So, when I say that a sign that you're with the right person is that they will bring you peace and that a definition of shalom-peace is restoration…"encourage" is what I think of. The right guy will encourage you to come back to a place of health or vigor if you haven't been there in a while. The right guy will encourage you to return to an original state if you've felt lost or like you've been unclear about some things. The right guy will encourage you to improve, repair and strengthen (all words that are synonyms for restore) the areas of your life that need them. There will be something about that man that will always motivate and inspire you to want to be better — to get back to what makes you your absolute best.
Y'all, there's a reason why I entitled this article using the word "right" instead of something like, "a sign that you're in love". It's because loving someone doesn't mean that they are right for you (trust me, I've got a few T-shirts on this point). When someone is right, they are good. When someone is right, they line up with facts and truth. And when someone is right, a part of what comes with them and your relationship is peace. Loads of peace.
I'm not sure why peace is so underestimated in relationships. Hopefully, you're reading this and possibly sharing it with others will help us to maintain the healthy relationships and release the unhealthy ones. 'Cause chile, if you ain't at peace…if your relationship isn't bringing you peace…what in the world is "right" about it?
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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You've Never Seen Luke James In A Role Quite Like This
Over the years, we've watched Luke James play countless characters we'd deem sex symbols, movie stars, and even his complicated character in Lena Waithe's The Chi. For the first time in his career, the New Orleans-born actor has taken on a role where his signature good looks take a backseat as he transforms into Edmund in Them: The Scare—a mentally deranged character in the second installment of the horror anthology series that you won't be able to take your eyes off.
Trust us, Edmund will literally make you do a double take.
xoNecole sat down with Luke James to talk about his latest series and all the complexity surrounding it—from the challenges taking on this out-of-the-box role to the show's depiction of the perplexing history of the relationship between Black Americans and police. When describing the opportunity to bring Edmund's character to life, Luke was overjoyed to show the audience yet another level of his masterful acting talents.
"It was like bathing in the sun," he said. "I was like, thank you! Another opportunity for me to be great—for me to expand my territory. I'm just elated to be a part of it and to see myself in a different light, something I didn't think I could do." He continued, "There are parts of you that says, 'Go for it because this is what you do.' But then also that's why it's a challenge because you're like, 'um, I don't know if I'm as free as I need to be to be able to do this.' Little Marvin just created such a safe space for me to be able to do this, and I'm grateful for everything I've been able to do to lead to this."
Courtesy
Them: The Scare, like the first season, shines a light on the plight of Black Americans in the United States. This time, the story is taking place in the 1990s, at the height of the Rodney King riots in Los Angeles. While the series presents many underlying themes, one that stands out is Black people and the complicated relationship with the police. "For the audience, I think it sets the tone for the era that we're in and the amount of chaos that's in the air in Los Angeles and around the country from this heinous incident. And I say it just sets the tone of the anxiety and anxiousness that everybody is feeling in their own households."
James has been a longtime advocate against police brutality himself. He has even featured Elijah McClain, the 23-year-old Colorado man who died after being forcibly detained by officers, as his Instagram avatar for the past five years. So, as you can imagine, this script was close to his heart. "Elijah was a soft-loving oddball. Different than anyone but loving and a musical genius. He was just open and wanted to be loved and seen."
Getty Images
Luke continued, "His life was taken from him. I resonate with his spirit and his words...through all the struggle and the pain he still found it in him to say, 'I love you and I forgive you.' And that's who we are as people—to our own detriment sometimes. He's someone I don't want people to forget. I have yet to remove his face from my world because I have yet to let go of his voice, let go of that being [because] there's so many people we have lost in our history that so often get forgotten."
He concluded, "I think that's the importance of such artwork that moves us to think and talk about it. Yes, it's entertaining. We get to come together and be spooked together. But then we come together and we think, 'Damn, Edmund needed someone to talk to. Edmund needed help... a lot [of] things could have been different. Edmund could have been saved.'
Check out the full interview below.
Luke James Talks Ditching Sex Symbol Status For "Them: The Scare", Elijah McClain, & Morewww.youtube.com
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