One of the accomplishments I am most proud of in my life as an adult woman is cultivating new friendships that are fruitful and that elevate me. I pride myself on trying to be a good friend at all times. My mother could never understand why I was always so dedicated to my friendships, of course, she had six other brothers and sisters with built-in friendships. I, on the other hand, was raised as an only child for most of my life and had to build my own tribe. Friendships have always been important to me, they have shaped me at many different stages in my life and I don't know where I would be without those relationships.
It has been my firm belief that "to have a friend, you have to be a friend," and that has been my North star in how I operate and how I make decisions. Friendships can teach you a lot in the way of navigating relationships with others but I think the best part about friendships is that you get to practice grace. Too often, we forget to add grace in our lives and hold people to impossible standards which ends up leading to unnecessary disappointment. However, friendship gives you the opportunity to exercise having grace as well as extending it. It is in this space that we truly get to love someone, flaws, and all, without the pressure of expectations, and anxiety.
Every friendship has its place in your life and has a lesson to teach you.
Some friendships are temporary, some are seasonal, and some are evergreen. Over time, you get to see who falls into what category and who just simply falls away. At some point in every woman's life, I feel it is necessary to take inventory of who is around you. We tend to hold on to relationships from childhood thinking they will last forever, only to find out people grow and change and so should that friendship. The things we need as a child in a friend may not serve us in our adult lives with the trajectory we are on. Hence the need to make new friends in different stages of our lives.
Making New Friends In Your 30s
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When I turned 30, there were a lot of major transitions in my life that were beginning to happen, I was coming out of a long-term relationship, turning 30, and trying to rediscover who I was post-relationship. I was faced with the very difficult task of re-evaluating every relationship around me which resulted in me ending several 15-year friendships. Including my best friend of over 20+ years. To be clear, we are still friends but I had to set some boundaries around how that relationship was to be reimagined and how I was going to conduct myself inside of it, as well as redefine what "best friend" means to me now.
Taking the time to do this gave me the courage to understand what I needed in a friend which was counterintuitive to how I was engaging in friendships. I thought that as long as I was the very best I could be as a friend, that would be reciprocated back to me.
But that was not always the case.
I have often heard that the older we get, the harder it is to make friends. I don't necessarily agree with that, but I can see why some would feel this way. The reality is the older we get, the more the landscape of forming bonds changes, and that is simply because we mature. We may have new careers, marriages, kids, etc. that are now providing context to the lives we live and this informs us how we choose people to be our friends. In order to do succeed in doing that, really hone down on the things you need in a friend and that will help guide you in finding the tribe that is right for you.
Here are a few tips on making friendships as an adult:
1. Lead with authenticity when making new friends.
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OK, so the category here is VULNERABILITY. This works two-fold, you need to be vulnerable with yourself to admit what you truly need in a friendship. In addition to that, you also need to be open with your potential new friend. The first part of this is understanding what type of friend you are, meaning answering questions like this: are you someone that needs to talk to your friend every day? Do you like to spend quality time together or are you OK just catching up every few weeks? Get to know yourself first so that you can align with other like-minded people.
Next, when you first meet someone, be yourself. Don't try to fit into a mold of what you think that person may like in a friend. You will spend most of your time being someone you are not instead of being the amazing person you are. You have a lot to offer and that should shine front and center. I think a great way to understand how you and a potential friend function in any kind of relationship are to take the 5 Love Languages Quiz. Friendships are built on communicating on a deeper, more intimate level even though they are not always romantic. However, how we give and receive love for ourselves is the same when engaging others.
2. Create boundaries as you build trust in budding friendships.
I often hear people express fear around making new friends because of a plethora of reasons. But mostly it has a lot to do with whether or not you will be accepted fully after showing someone your authentic self. To this I say, be authentic and open but remember everyone has to earn the right to your story. Lead with your most authentic self, but you don't have to share everything upfront in the first five minutes.
I am not suggesting to hide things and be dishonest but I am saying reveal things over time. As you build trust, you should be able to let people in closer to you. Be clear on what information you don't mind sharing without fear of judgment. But there is a thin line to walk while you are building trust with a person. This is where boundaries come into play, you need to know how much you are comfortable sharing at different milestones of building a friendship.
Boundaries make it clear for you to regulate the direction in how your friendship is growing as well as how it will develop in the future.
3. Keep an open mind about the kind of friends you meet.
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As we get older, we have the luxury of gaining knowledge from past learned lessons. This can only serve to be to our advantage in that it helps us step out of old patterns and discover something new. We have the ability to learn about new people with an open mind and really create friend circles with people who are different than us. I highly recommend creating friendships with people who seem different than you and challenge yourself to find things in common.
You will learn so much about yourself and things you never knew you could have access to, just by opening your mind. That is the beauty in all of this. Meeting someone new and finding your common interests amongst what seems to be different is an understated suggestion when it comes to tips on making new friends.
4. Learn to actively listen and communicate in your friendships.
Communication is a big theme in why so many relationships struggle. Commit yourself to relearning the art of conversation as well as the art of active listening. Quite often we misunderstand, misinterpret, or even miscommunicate because we forget the basic fundamentals of communication. Going into a situation where you are looking to meet new people, you need to have your communication skills on point.
It serves me greatly to listen and speak with engaged interest in the person I want to be friends with in the future. I am asking questions about the person, relating similar stories to what they said, and keeping the conversation going. I am showing interest and that I am open to being friends in my conversation. All of this can be accomplished simply by having great communication.
Truly, adult friendships are one of the things I enjoy the most in my life. The friendships that have been created were the ones that should have been in my life at this time. They align perfectly in this next stage in my life and I am truly grateful. Adult friendships between women and even men are totally possible and can be incredibly impactful. Going into this next year, challenge yourself to not only make new friends but become a great friend to the people in your life as well.
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The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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