6 Secrets To Choosing Friends Who Make You Better
I can totally understand if, right when you saw this title, you wondered if this was meant to patronize you in some way. After all, on the surface, when it comes to whether or not you actually choose your own friends, it would seem like the answer would be "duh", right? Yeah, I'm not so sure about that. The more self-work that I do, the more coaching clients that I have, the more folks who email me about their relationships (or lack thereof) and even the more I just sit back and observe the world, I don't think we choose wisely when it comes to our friendships as much as we actually should be.
Just think about the word "choose". It means "to select from a number of possibilities". Choose also means "to pick by preference" and "to prefer or decide". Now take a moment to think about your friends and how the friendship initially came to be to begin with. Did you prefer them or did things just sorta happen? Why is it relevant? Well typically, whenever we decide to make a choice, we've put in some thought, we've processed why we want what we do and we've weighed out, at least on a surface-level, the pros and cons. That way, we have a good idea of what we're getting ourselves into—and why.
Now do you see why choosing your friends is paramount as it relates to the overall scope of your life? If you do, but you're not quite sure that you can answer, whether or not you chose your tribe or not, I'm hoping that the following six questions can offer up some real and lasting clarity.
Did You CHOOSE Your Tribe or Did You Just Go with the Flow?
In my opinion, one of the most important jobs that a parent has, as it relates to raising responsible and emotionally intelligent children, it's giving them the ability to make wise choices. In order to accomplish this, it requires being the type of mom or dad who isn't always trying to control any and everything all of the time—this includes when it comes to who your children's friends are. While I do personally think that up until, I'd say junior year in high school, parents should have a highly influential role in who their kids spend a significant amount of time with, many moms and dads make the grave mistake of putting their children together with the kids of their own friends. You know what I mean—if all of the adults are hanging out in one room, the children are sent off to go and play with each other in another. When this arrangement happens often enough, whether the parents realize it or not, the kids are "forced" to become friends, mostly by proxy, without really stopping to think if they would choose the people that they are spending so much time around.
I am speaking from very personal experience too. One of the worst people to ever come into my life, someone who was a horrible influence until well into my early college years, is a person who my parents put me around, simply because they hung out with her parents. When I tell you that this girl did more damage to my self-esteem and perception of what I should expect in my friendships…words cannot even begin to express.
And the reality is, I know a lot of people who have a similar story about their own childhood friendships. Again, they didn't really stop to choose who their friends were. It was more like they went with the flow of whoever came over to their house with their parents' friends and/or was in their Sabbath or Sunday school class at church and/or who sat next to them the most at school. And because they merely "went with the flow" when it came to their close interactions with others, they didn't really develop the skills that were needed to figure out who best complemented them, who had good intentions for them, and who had the character and values that they wanted and needed to be around.
I know all of this is kind of deep but if, like me, you have found yourself disappointed by some of your past friendships, it can never hurt to ask yourself if you ever developed the skill of actually choosing your friends. Or, have you always just kind of gone with the flow of your environment? The answer to this question alone can be quite revelatory, if you allow it to be.
What Do You Actually PREFER About the People You Call “Friend”?
I believe I've shared before that, a few years ago, I read an article that featured the video interview of a couple that had been married for over 60 years. When the journalist asked the wife for the key to her relationship, she looked at the woman like she was crazy and then said, "I have sex with him. I don't do that with the rest of my friends." Indeed. Well, when it comes to friendships, something that I wish folks would do more often is process what makes them prefer their friends over everyone else on this planet.
To prefer is "to set or hold before or above other persons or things in estimation; like better; choose rather than". There are a lot of awesome people out here. I run into folks who deserve that adjective fairly often. But my friends are those who I literally esteem highly, like better and choose to be a part of the intimate areas of my life.
If you wonder if you're choosing your friends, ponder what you prefer about them over the other individuals who revolve in and out of your world. It can reveal quite a bit.
How Many of Your Friendships Are About Shared Values, Not Just Common Interests?
It's very easy to find yourself spending time with other people, simply because you like the same things. You both enjoy chick flicks, so you hit the movie theatre together fairly often. You both like the same kind of music, so you've been to concerts together before. You enjoy the same cuisine, so you have lunch together from time to time. But just because someone enjoys doing some of the things you do, that doesn't automatically mean they are—or even should be—your friend. A friend should require a much higher standard than that.
Another way to discern whether or not you are actually choosing your friends is to think about if you both have similar value systems. I don't mean if you both share the same faith or you both desire the same type of future (that value system is more applicable to marriage). What I'm referring to here is if you both want the same things out of your friendships (check out "What A Supportive Friend Actually Does (It's Not Quite What You Think)" and "10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships"). Do you both look for the same type of qualities in a friend and both define "friend" in a similar fashion?
One of the reasons why a lot of people constantly find themselves feeling disappointed in their friendships is because, while a "friend" may be fun, funny and familiar to them, they still aren't the most consistent, loyal or giving. But since they like their friend's personality so much, they don't really stop to process that a person's character is mad relevant too.
So yeah, choosing your friends should also consist of making sure that the type of friend you want is also the type of friend that they actually want to be—that it's mutually understood that you both will truly value one another for the long haul.
Do You Actually Take Inventory on Your Relationships?
Something else that comes with choosing your friendships is deciding when they are no longer serving you. One way to figure that out is by taking annual inventory on them. I already know that some of y'all are going to find this to be semi-extreme, but life has taught me that more than family or even romantic relationships, oftentimes the most impactful relational dynamics that we have is with our friends. Unless we live with a relative or we're married, we typically talk to them the most often. We factor in their perspectives quite heavily. And, they sometimes know things about us that absolutely no one else does. So, why wouldn't we need to make sure that our friends are a healthy addition to our life?
A couple of years ago, something that I did was process who I was initiating communication with more than they were doing the same. There were about five people who, when I stopped reaching out, I never heard from them. Matter of fact, there's one person, in particular, who I like a lot. But I'm always doing the work that's needed in order to keep us connected. The last time I saw her, I said, "You know I'm always calling you, right? You've got my number. The next time we chat, it'll be because you rang me." Yeah, that was almost a year ago. When I run into her again, she'll still be cool as hell in my eyes, but we're not friends. Friends mutually engage. Taking some personal inventory brought me to this revelation.
I think one of the reasons why people struggle so much with evaluating (and reevaluating) their friendships is because they act like folks either fall into the "friend" or "enemy" category when that doesn't have to be the case. Someone can be dope and still not deserve the time, effort and energy that your actual friends do. Figuring out what you need and if the people in your life are supplying it can help you to get to this point and place of choosing who goes where.
Is “All These Years”, All You’ve Got?
Did any of you catch when Yvonne Orji interviewed Molly Carter? It was actually pretty brilliant (you can watch it here). Anyway, while I watched it and laughed (Molly really is a trip, y'all), I thought about the fact that Issa and Molly met in school and have pretty much been hanging onto their friendship because of it. That's very similar to the "pre-Issa and Molly friendship", Joan and Toni fromGirlfriends; they were childhood friends. But man, did Toni suck at not being self-absorbed 85.9 percent of the time and boy, was Joan neurotic about the same amount. More times than not, Joan was doing all of the giving and then overthinking and resenting the fact, after the fact. But because they had so many childhood and adolescent tales in common, they kept trying to make work…what wasn't working.
Reminiscing is not a synonym for loyalty. Or healthy. Back when a very close friend of mine ghosted me after years of being in one another's lives, I recognized that a pattern I had created for myself in the dynamic was accepting that, while she had some really good qualities, I didn't really keep her in my life because of how awesome that I thought she was. It was more because I thought that a part of what comes with being a good friend is sticking around, simply because of all of the time, memories and secrets we had shared. As I continued to evolve as a person, though, I never really pondered that "all these years" isn't a good enough reason to remain in our particular dynamic.
I think the universe knew that so long as she remained, I'd stay stuck in "all those years" and so it allowed her to leave so that I could gain a better grasp of what I deserved/deserved in my friendships. Issa, Molly, Joan, Toni, that former friend and myself can all vouch for the fact that knowing someone for a really long time isn't really a good enough reason to keep them in your life. If they aren't benefiting the individual you are in the present and you aren't doing the same for them as well, sometimes it's best to lovingly and peacefully choose to move on. Without each other.
If You Got a Do-Over, Would You CHOOSE the Same Folks Again?
You know what they say, hindsight is sho 'nuf 20/20. So, when it comes to the friends who are currently in your life, be totally honest with yourself—when you think about the person you are now, the relational needs that you currently have and even the kind of influences you desire in order to move forward, do your friends complement those needs or not? Shoot, I'll even give you one better. Knowing what you know now, if you could go back in time to when you met your friends, all the while factoring in the realization that you probably were not as discerning as you should've been, would you have intentionally selected them?
Something that I find to be super revelatory about my own world is, when I got to the point and place of choosing the friends that I now have, there have been no issues, problems or drama. Aside from the fact that I am in a healthier space (which plays a very relevant role), I know the difference between folks who are cool to hang out with sometimes vs. folks who actually deserve the title of "friend" in my life.
It really is a trip. Just like you can choose who to follow in your social media feeds, you can choose who you want to affect your life in real and profound ways. Hmph. Not only can you choose them, you should choose them.
There's no time like the present to break out one of your journals and think about what you need/want in your friendships and if you have chosen people who are fitting that bill. Life is a sum of the choices we make, y'all. When it comes to some of the most important relationships that you will ever have in your life—your friendships—please choose wisely.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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I think we all can agree that social media really is a double-edged sword. What I mean by that is there is just as much bad that can come out of it as good. At the end of the day, it really is about 1) having your own mind, 2) finding balance when it comes to how much time you spend online, and 3) doing your own research instead of taking random people’s opinions as the gospel (i.e., facts).
Gee, I wish more folks did all of this when it comes to if a man needs to have a large penis to sexually satisfy a woman (he does not) and if a woman who has had multiple sex partners will ultimately end up with a vagina that is too large for smaller penises to please her (a lie).
Science totally has my back on debunking both of those things (more on that in a bit). Know what else does? A particular type of sex method that is becoming more popular by the day. One that just might convince you to, as they used to say back in the day, focus less on the “size of the wave” and ride out the “motion of the ocean” instead.
It’s called shallowing. Here’s what it’s all about.
What Is Shallowing?
GiphyIf there’s one thing that I wish folks would say more thoroughly when it comes to women and orgasms, it’s that when it comes to75 percent of women not being able to orgasm from only intercourse, the accurate statement is they struggle with achieving a vaginal orgasm without the assistance of some type of clitoral stimulation. Yeah, we’ve really got to remember that very few things in this life are a complete monolith — orgasms included (check out “U-Spot Orgasm, Fantasy Orgasm & 6 Other Orgasms You Should Try Tonight”).
In fact, it was while I was reading up on pairing — a word that is used for when clitoral stimulation transpires during penetration — that I decided to do some deep-diving into shallowing (because it was mentioned inone of the articles that I read).And what is it? Shallowing is when a penis, finger, tongue, or sex toy of some sort is used in order to ever so slightly penetrate the vaginal opening of a woman.
And why is shallowing not just a current sex trend but something that every woman on this planet should try? It’s because of what I’ve said, more than once, on this platform: it focuses on the most sensitive part of a woman’s vagina, which isthe first two inches of her vaginal opening.
When the emphasis is placed there, not only does it increase your chances of experiencing “the big O,” but it can also build up anticipation, which can intensify your orgasms too — yes, shallowing can also be seen as a form of edging.
Another thing that’s cool about shallowing is — and it really and truly can’t be said enough — something that makes vaginal and blended orgasms easier to achieve for some women really has little to do with the size of a man’s package or even his technique; it’s straight up anatomy. Yep, the closer that a woman’s clitoris is to her vaginal opening, the easier it is for a penis to stimulate both. So, science makes it possible for vaginal orgasms to be easier for some women than others.
At the same time, shallowing can make it possible for more women who want to see what a vaginal orgasm actually feels like (because it’s easier for the head of the penis to stimulate the opening of the vagina while the shaft can rub up against your clitoris; based on the position that you are in, of course — the missionary with some pillows propped under the lower part of your back is ideal for this).
Now that you see what shallowing actually is, do you get why I said that penis size doesn’t matter when it comes to doing it — and getting the kind of orgasms that you want? Contrary to popular belief, your vagina is only around four inches. In fact, some health experts say that it ranges between 2-4”. Anything larger, your body literally has to stretch out to accommodate; this includes penises and babies. So, if your vagina is “making room” for more than four inches, why in the world do you think you need a 10-inch man? Yeah…exactly. It really is time to get over the silliness. The average penis continues to be 5.5”. Makes sense when you take it all in (no pun intended).
Aight, so now that you know what shallowing is all about, let me try and hard sell you on why it’s a sex technique that you should try as soon as tonight (if you possibly can).
1. It takes the pressure off of you and your partner.
I’ve been working with couples for almost 20 years at this point. This means that the topic of sex comes up quite a bit. And if there’s one thing that continues to be an issue is inconsistent orgasms (check out “Why Do Orgasms So Often Seem Like A ‘Hit-Or-Miss’ Experience For Women?”).
Listen, no matter how many articles you read or sex positions you try, if you’re anxious, stressed out, or overthinking, it’s gonna get in the way of you experiencing high peaks of pleasure on a consistent basis. Since shallowing is something that can easily be done even in foreplay (via fingering and/ororal sex) if you get that first “release” off, that makes it easier to just sit back and enjoy the ones that (hopefully) are to follow.
2. It teaches you more about your vagina.
A part of the reason why I keep repeating certain facts about vaginas in these articles is that it’s amazing how little certain things are discussed en masse — like the size of the vaginal tube. And since shallowing helps you to stimulate the nerve endings at the entrance of your va-jay-jay along with your G-spot (which is housed a little ways from your opening), shallowing is a great way to explore that area of your body as you figure out what truly works for you and…what doesn’t.
3. It’s the perfect merging of foreplay and intercourse.
When you really stop to think about it, shallowing is like the bridge between foreplay and intercourse because you can use so many different things to do it. So, if you want to experiment with a new sex toy or you want a bit more time to “warm up the engine” before full-on penetration begins, shallowing is one of the most sexually arousing compromises there is.
4. It can help to increase your partner’s stamina.
A few years back, I penned an article for the site entitled, “We’ve Got Some All-Natural Ways To Increase Stamina & Sensitivity.” Listen, even though I onceread a GQ article that said that over 60 percent of the people they polled were fine with intercourse lasting no longer than 5-10 minutes — that poll doesn’t speak for all of us, chile.
So, if you would like your man to build up to going longer, shallowing can help to make that happen. Since he’s barely putting beyond the tip in, he can learn how to be in you for longer periods of time without being, well, in you.
5. It helps you to appreciate whatever “package” he has.
Again — and it really can’t be said enough — if shallowing is all about exploring the mere entrance of your vagina, you don’t need a man with BDE (check out “BDE: Please Let The 'It Needs To Be Huge' Myth Go”) or honestly, even anything close to it.
I mean, even though, reportedly, the size that the average woman says gives her the most orgasms is eight inches — I bet those women have never really tried shallowing before. 10”, 8”, or the average 5.5” can certainly get the job done. And well.
6. It feels A-MAZ-ING.
Okay,so now that you know about shallowing, I promise that if you put the word into your favorite search engine, you’re either gonna see articles on golfing (LOL) or sex, especially as of late. That’s because more couples are trying it out and getting mind-blowing results from it. So, if you’re looking for something new to try, give shallowing a shot.
Hey, anything that’s designed to stimulate your most intense vaginal nerve endings has got to be something for the record books. I mean, how could it not be? Lawd.
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