Are You The Financial Supporter Of Your Husband's Dreams? This Is For You.
If there's one book that I think every married couple on the planet should have, it'sLove & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. From a biblical standpoint, it supports the Scripture, "Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband." (Ephesians 5:33—NKJV) Did you peep how the Bible says that men should love their wives and women should respect their husbands? That's the entire premise of the book in a nutshell—wives feel honored by being loved by their husbands while husbands feel honored by being respected by their wives. Much like love languages, the problem with a lot of relationships is women are giving men what they want to receive and vice versa. But I promise you ladies, ask any man if he would prefer love vs. respect, an overwhelming majority would go with what's behind Door #2. In fact, if I were to list the top five complaints that my clients have ever had concerning their relationship, one of them would definitely be that wives don't feel loved enough and husbands don't feel respected (esteemed) enough.
And what does that have to do with the title of today's message? I'm sure many of you remember Sanaa Lathan's character Andrea in the movie The Family That Preys. While that chick was off the chain on so many levels, the one issue that most applies here is she was making most of the money and totally disrespecting her husband because of it. Meanwhile, Chris (played by Rockmond Dunbar) wasn't a bum or anything. He was actually a contractor for the same company where his wife was an accountant. Plus, he had dreams. Big dreams. Ones that eventually ended up paying off…BIG TIME. In the meantime, though, Andrea was makin' bank, he wasn't and it was taking all kinds of tolls on their relationship (yes, I know her affair didn't help but let's stay on topic, shall we?).
Hmph. I can name five couples off the top of my head that I personally know who are in this same boat in real life. And since it's that many, I know there must be at least a few readers who can relate to this situation too. It can be frustrating. It can be draining. Sometimes, it can make divorce seem like a much more appealing option (check out "What Some People Regret About Their Divorce").
But before you make a drastic life change, I hope that the following five questions can help you to figure out if there is possibly another route to take; especially if one of your dreams was to remain married to your husband for the rest of your life.
Did You Know What You Were Getting Yourself into from the Jump?
There is someone I know who's basically been the sole breadwinner of her marriage since she said, "I do". When you grow up in the entertainment industry (which I did), it's pretty common to know of husbands who are "in the arts" and not pulling a paycheck (or at least a steady one) while the wives are the ones who are holding the bills down. How does someone find themselves in such a predicament? Good question. I'm not exactly sure what it is, but there is something very…alluring about artists. I don't know if it's their talent, the spotlight they stand in as they perform or what, but it has a way of seducing you to the point of sometimes losing all common sense. Anyway, years and years later, this woman's husband continues to not have stable employment while she works a couple of gigs to make ends meet. Also, for years and years, he's made the promise that once he "hits it big", she can quit. At this rate, it looks like she will retire well before that happens.
You know, another woman I know once told me something that is oh so very wise. She said, "Be careful about telling God rather than asking God who your husband is. You could end up regretting it." (Check out "What Should You Do If You Feel Like You Married The Wrong Person?") The wife I just spoke of? I remember her falling for her now-husband. She was so enamored with him that, while she was well aware of the fact that he was almost obsessed with being an artist while his work ethic was shady, at best, because she wanted him so bad, she overlooked that. You know what that means, right? He didn't hoodwink or bamboozle her. She simply married a man who has never really made provision a priority.
I oftentimes say, marriage doesn't "fix" matters; if anything, it magnifies them. So yeah, if you're with someone and you're the financial supporter of the house, their dreams or both, the first thing you should ask yourself is, "Did I go into this relationship fully aware that it was going to be that way?" because sometimes, our spouse is merely being what we accepted from day one. And, if we want that to change, we first have to take responsibility for not requiring more in the relationship from the very beginning.
Is Your Husband a Dreamer or a Dream Implementer?
Whether you know what you were getting yourself into or not, I'm certainly not saying that you should surrender to things remaining this way. After all, it's one thing to be with a dreamer. It's another matter entirely to be with a dream implementer. What's the difference? I once worked with a couple who, quite frankly, the husband was a spoiled brat. Because he was such a mama's boy while growing up, he basically acted like it was his wife's job to fund his dreams and ambitions. First of all, that's a wack way of thinking, whether it's on the husband's or wife's part.
It's not another grown person's responsibility to make sure that you live your best life. Your spouse is there to support you, not enable you.
Anyway, because ole' boy didn't get this memo, if he lost a job…whatever. If he misspent money…whatever. If his dream changed half a dozen times in one year…whatever. He felt that she should keep "having his back" until he figured it out. This guy is a dreamer. A lazy and entitled one, at that.
A dream implementer is different. His dream comes with a mission statement. His dream comes with a plan. His dream comes with short- and long-term goals. And, if he needs the financial support of his wife in order to make those dreams happen, he presents his idea in such a way where it's an investment into him and the marriage overall. His dream also has a clear timeframe. What I mean by that is, if he wants to quit a good paying job in order to start his own business, he will make sure his wife knows how long he is planning to rely on her financial support—and you can best believe that it won't be indefinitely. Matter of fact, a lot of dream implementers will even work a part-time gig, just so that some sort of income can be coming in on their behalf. Why? Because as an adult, they are not comfortable with someone else solely providing for them for a long period of time, even if that individual happens to be their wife.
Is Your Marriage a True Partnership?
A healthy marriage consists of two people who see their union as a partnership. One of my favorite definitions of partnership is "joint interest". JOINT. INTEREST. It's one thing for a husband or wife to come home and tell their partner what they are going to do next with their life, all the while assuming that since their spouse vowed "for better, for worse" and "for richer, for poorer" that they should automatically be on board. It's another matter entirely for that same husband or wife to come home, share their dreams and then ask their spouse how they feel about the idea and if they think it is something that is doable at the time. The latter couple are the kind who respect that their marriage is a partnership.
There's a couple I know who's been married, shoot, for at least three decades now. They are both anesthesiologists. When they were in medical school, they were brokety-broke-broke. And so, the husband worked and paid to get his wife through school. Then, when she graduated, she worked so that he could earn his degree. This means that there was a season when both of them were sole breadwinners. This was able to happen because they mutually agreed that it was the best idea for them.
No good husband is going to be "cool" with his wife funding his dreams if she isn't fully on board. Mind you, I didn't say always happy or thrilled, but she will be down for the cause. If you are currently the financier of your husband's ideas and goals and there's some real bitterness and resentment going on, could it be that you don't feel like there is a "joint interest" in what he's trying to accomplish?
If that is the case, I recommend you bringing that up to him. And, if need be, that the two of you get into some counseling so that you can figure out how to get on the same page.
Are Your Wants and Needs Met in Other Ways?
For better or for worse (pun intended and not intended at the same time), it's becoming more common for wives to make more money than their husbands do. I recently read a study that said 38 percent of women make more money than men. Some of my clients fall into this demographic. But you know what? Most of the wives don't complain to me that their pay stub is higher than their husbands. No, their bigger issue is, if they are going to be making more income, they would like their husband to "make up for it" in other ways. Cook more. Help with the kids more. Plan dates. They especially would like this to be the case if their husband is working less hours or, the difference in pay is because he is working to get his dream off of the ground.
Personally, I think if there was one word that could be used to describe what a lot of wives would like to feel if they are financially supporting their husband's dreams, it's "appreciation". And a great way for husbands to show their appreciation is for them to know what their wife's wants and needs are and then be proactive about meeting them.
After all, it's only more work to come home and then feel like you have to nag or even beg your spouse to help out (or help out more). But if you feel like you're being taken care of in other ways than monetarily, the financial sacrifice won't seem quite as…strenuous.
Do You See “Light” at the End of the Tunnel?
I know some husbands who, basically since I've known them, they've been at home, "building their dreams" while their wives have been making sure the family doesn't get evicted in the process. I don't know how any man can feel good about himself with his household running this way. If we're going to bring the Bible back into this, I say that based on the King James Version of I Timothy 5:8 which says, "But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel" (which connects to Genesis 3:17-19).
Yet, even outside of the Word, a part of what comes with being an adult is being self-sufficient; if a man is relying on his wife for food and shelter for years on end, he is not living like an adult should. Adults are who should be married. Right?
If you're a wife reading this, a year of your man getting a vision or enterprise off of the ground is one thing. Ten years is something else. If you've just begun the journey of financially supporting your husband's dream(s), remember that love is patient (I Corinthians 13:4) and nothing happens in a day. If it's been years, whether your husband realizes (or acknowledges) it or not, you are being taken advantage of. If he were single, he'd have a job, right? Being married doesn't mean he should throw caution to the wind and just do…whatever. When he married you, he signed up to have your back as you have his. He also signed up for you being a top priority; his dreams shouldn't have you pressed and stressed all of the time. That's not loving you. Not. At. All.
I started this article off with something that I heard R&B singer Monica say on T.I. & Tiny: Friends & Family Hustle not too long ago. She was speaking in the context of marriage, in general. I thought it was fitting because, to have a man who is a dreamer—more specifically, a dream implementer—can be a beautiful thing. A respectable thing. Just make sure that your man loves you enough to where he's not taking your support, your understanding and/or your resources for granted. If he's got timeframes, if he's meeting your needs, and if he's holding you down in the process, he isn't. You'll look up and realize that it was all worth it in the long run. On the flip side, if he's not doing any of this, again, call a therapist because it's costing you more than you should ever have to pay—for his dreams or otherwise. Simple as that. And you can, pun intended, totally take that to the bank.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
10 Communication Mistakes Many Married Couples Make
If Your Husband's The One With The Lower Libido, Do This.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Your May 2024 Horoscopes Are All About Setting Intentions, Focus, And Self-Discovery
Explore your sign’s 2024 horoscope predictions to learn what is in store for you this year in love, career, and more. Check out the love compatibility of each sign to learn more about zodiac pairings and all things compatibility.
May is a month of intention and about focusing on what you are creating in your life right now. Eclipse Season is over for the time being; Mercury is direct again, yet there are still more opportunities for breakthrough and self-discovery. The month begins with Pluto going retrograde in Aquarius on May 2, signifying the need to reclaim your power right now. Pluto will be retrograde until October 11, and this is a good time to experience a renewal within your belief systems, friendships, and community. After a time of change and regrouping, May is a time to create a new path for yourself and feel more secure in doing so.
Taurus Season is in full bloom, and on May 7 the Moon will be joining the Sun for the New Moon in Taurus. This New Moon is an opportunity for luxury, self-care, stability, and harmony.
When the Moon is in Taurus, we are guided towards taking care of ourselves more, and this is a good time to set your intentions for where you want to experience more ease, love, and TLC in life. This New Moon will be a powerful time for manifestation, so make sure you are focused on what you want to create in your life right now. Mercury then moves out of Aries and into Taurus on May 15th, and perspectives move into the energy of more logic, patience, and practicality.
Mercury in Taurus brings the focus to your finances as well, and this is a good time to ask for a raise or promotion, take care of finances, or build your assets.
What May 2024 Has In Store For Your Zodiac Sign
Gemini Season makes its debut on May 20 this year, and the Sun moving into these air signs makes the energy a little lighter and playful, and by the end of the month, people are looking to have some more fun. With a Full Moon in Sagittarius happening a few days later on May 23, the end of May is an exciting, eye-opening, and adventurous time. The Sagittarius Full Moon is the Flower Moon of the Year, and it’s time you receive yours.
Venus moves into Gemini on May 23 as well, and during this time, relationship matters can feel a little more all over the place. However, this is also a more social, charming, and dynamic time for love as well. While Venus is in Gemini, remember that communication is key, and a more open-minded and flexible approach to matters of the heart is needed.
One of the most important transits of the year happens as May comes to an end, and that is Jupiter's move into Gemini. Jupiter has been in Taurus for the past year, helping us grow and get the full picture when it comes to your stability, relationships, and finances, and Jupiter's move into Gemini brings things into focus when it comes to your self-expression, communication, connections, and joy in life.
Jupiter will be in Gemini from May 25, 2024, to June 9, 2025, and this is the perfect opportunity to connect with your creative genius and meet new people with whom you resonate. May, overall, has a lot of potential for opportunity, insight, and collaboration, and this is the perfect month to set your intentions for the future while also living in the moment with the people you love and who inspire you.
Read for your sun sign and rising sign below to see what May 2024 has in store for you.
ARIES
May is a coming-together month for you, and things are starting to make more sense after Mercury retrograde in your sign for most of last month. You are getting more time within your relationships and close partnerships right now, and the New Moon on May 7, happening in your 2nd house, is when this connection, love, and stability begin to come in for you. You have been asking yourself the important questions and are ready to break ground and create the new beginnings you see for yourself.
With Mars in your sign for the entire month of May, you have a lot of energy and passion at your disposal right now, and you are making things happen for yourself. This is a good time for feeling connected to your body and for seeing positive results regarding your health. Jupiter moves into your house of communication at the end of the month where it will be for the next year, and you are moving into a time of more grace, understanding, and opportunity for self-expression right now, Aries - own your voice.
TAURUS
The Sun is in your sign, and you are shining authentically in who you are, Taurus. May is a beautiful month for growth and a time when you are finding your balance between letting go of the past and remaining true to yourself in the present. The New Moon of the month is happening in your sign on May 7, signifying a time of new beginnings for you and when it comes to your goals in life and your sense of freedom.
Be confident in your desires, and know yourself, Taurus. With all the manifestations that are coming forth for you this month, clarity is one of them.
Mercury enters your sign on May 15, and this is a time of positive communication, connection, and gaining some new wisdom. With Mercury in your sign, be prepared for some extra communication on your hands as people are looking to hear your perspective. Jupiter moves out of your sign and enters Aries on May 25 after being in Taurus for the past year, and the luck you have been experiencing in life transfers to your finances, income, and value systems. Overall, you are finding your way and making sense of it all this month.
GEMINI
May is a time of rebirth for you, Gemini. You are in a good head space this month now that your ruling planet, Mercury, is officially out of retrograde and direct again. This is a powerful month for you when things are turning around for you and some extra good karma and luck are coming your way. With the Sun in your 12th house for most of May, you are getting an opportunity to renew and heal from the past and to gain some new understanding of where you have been in life and what you want to create moving forward.
Gemini Season begins on May 20, and it’s your time to shine! Gemini Season this year is a month full of opportunity and clarity, and you are bringing your best self forward. There is a Full Moon on May 23 in your opposite sign, Sagittarius, and love matters are coming full circle for you now so that you can let go of old belief systems that don’t serve you or your relationships anymore. Your most important astrological transit of 2024 happens at the end of the month on May 25, as Jupiter enters your sign for the next year. Jupiter in your sign signifies good luck, fortune, and personal success in your future.
CANCER
This month is about finding your balance, manifesting, and working together with others, Cancer. It’s about choosing peace and trusting your intuition right now to guide you forward. The Sun is in your 11th house in May, and you are thinking of the big picture and not letting anything get in the way of your vision or purpose. There is a New Moon at the start of the month in this area of your chart, and your power of manifestation is especially strong this month, so make sure you are following your true North and setting the intentions that feel right for you internally.
On May 23, Venus enters your 12th house of endings and closure, and love is about moving on and moving into more healing and emotionally receptive experiences. Relationship matters are moving through a transformation now, and you are learning a lot through your partnerships, both old and new, this month. There is a Full Moon on May 23 as well, and this Full Moon will be bringing up old work, projects, and intentions; it’s time to congratulate yourself for your successes and how far you come, as others will want to support you more right now as well.
LEO
Over the next month, you are getting the opportunity to stand your ground, speak up for yourself, and claim your space, Leo. This month is about being your biggest cheerleader and seeing yourself in the way you wish others to see you. The Sun is in your 10th house for most of May, and you are focused on taking action and going after your dreams right now. The New Moon on May 7 is a good time to set your intentions for said goals and dreams and to really believe in yourself.
On May 23, there is a Full Moon in fellow fire sign Sagittarius, happening in an area of your chart that has to do with your happiness, romance, creative self-expression, and overall joy for life. You are getting the full picture of where your priorities are or need to be, and are bringing more attention to the things that are going to truly make you happy and fulfilled at the end of the day. Jupiter enters Gemini on the same day where it will remain until 2025, and this move is expanding things for you when it comes to your friendships, community, and social networks.
VIRGO
May is a month of connecting with your soul and creating harmony in your life, Virgo. You are moving into a time of greater freedom and authenticity, and May is a good month for travel for you. With a New Moon in Taurus at the beginning of the month, you are expanding your horizons and gaining some much-needed inspiration. This is the time to do things differently and to not be afraid to take risks, and a leap of faith in yourself. You are feeling a little more optimistic in May, and this is creating an opening in your life.
On May 23, we have a Full Moon in your 4th house of home and family, and this is a good time for experiencing closure in this area of your life, and like things are coming full circle for you here. The first half of the month is all about adventure, and the second half of May, you are looking to build in your stability. Jupiter moves into your 10th house of career and success before the month ends, and you enter a year-long transit that will be positively influencing and expanding your reputation and goals in life.
LIBRA
May is an opportunity to learn, inspire, and spend some more time with the people who bring this energy out of you, Libra. The month begins with Pluto going retrograde in your 5th house of love, and you need some more time to grasp what is going on in your heart and how you can find your power in life here more. There is a lot to learn and discover this month, and the New Moon on May 7 will be an eye-opening and transformative moment for you where you can dive deep into your love life and commitments and see where a new beginning may be necessary.
There is a Full Moon happening later in the month and this Full Moon will be bringing forth spiritual guidance into your life. This is a Full Moon to connect, communicate, and share your insights and ideas with others. On May 25, Jupiter enters Gemini and moves into your 9th house of adventure, and you are entering a year of travel, enlightenment, spirituality, and higher education. Your mind is your gift right now; trust you have everything you need to experience greatness and be open to meeting new people who will help you get there.
SCORPIO
This month is about remaining open and receptive to what is possible for you and your future, Scorpio. You are in a good space to receive your due blessings and rewards, but your heart must be open to receive them. Your ruling planet, Pluto, goes retrograde at the start of the month on May 2, and this Pluto retro transit will allow you to rebuild your vision for the home, and help you figure out where you can bring more of yourself into your surroundings.
A lot of the energy of the month is in your opposite sign, Taurus, meaning it’s in your love and partnership zones.
May is one of the most significant months of love for you out of the year, and the intentions you set for your relationships on the New Moon this month will be creating magic in your love life for the rest of the year. On May 23, there is a Full Moon in the sign just after yours, bringing attention to your finances, income, and self-confidence in it all. The end of May is a time to focus a little more on your stability in life and to take a look at your finances. This is a good time to clean your purse or wallet, create some feng shui, and go over your assets.
SAGITTARIUS
Your guidance for the month is to go with the flow and trust your instincts, Sagittarius. The New Moon happening on the 7th is a new door opening for you, your health, and your daily routine, and you are focused on what is going to be best for you and your well-being overall. You are trusting your next steps ahead and remaining grounded with where things are in the meantime. It’s all about trust right now and how much of it you can have for yourself.
The Full Moon of the month will be in your sign on May 23rd, and this is a powerful Full Moon for you of closure, clarity, and self-confidence. You are letting go of what doesn’t resonate with who you are now and what you want to expand in your life. This is a good time to say your affirmations, meditate, and get out of your own head. Before the month ends, your ruling planet, Jupiter, enters your opposite sign, Gemini, and your love life gets an extra boost of good luck right now. Jupiter will be in your 7th house of partnership until 2025, and you are entering a year of harmony, Sagittarius.
CAPRICORN
Abundance is your birthright, and you are tapping into this energy this month, Capricorn. May is a month full of opportunities for you, and a lot of this good juju is coming through for you romantically right now. The Sun is in your 5th house of the heart for most of the month, and there is a New Moon here on May 7 as well.
At the beginning of May, make sure you are focused on communicating clearly, owning your passions in life, and having some more fun with love and the romance that wants to bloom for you here.
With Mercury entering your 5th house on May 15 as well, you could be receiving a surprise message or be having some interesting conversations right now that switch things up for you in love. On May 25, Jupiter moves into an area of your chart having to do with your health, lifestyle, and work life, and you are overall going to be coming into balance more here and experiencing some fortunate opportunities at work and within your daily routine. Overall, May is a month that is setting you up for success, Capricorn.
AQUARIUS
May is an opportunity for you to connect, move forward, and learn more about yourself and your heart, Aquarius. You are paying attention to the signs right now and making sense of things that may have gone past you before. With Pluto going retrograde in your sign as the month begins on May 2, you are someone who will be moving through a journey of self-discovery for the rest of the year and will be figuring out where your true power is in life and how to hone in on it more.
The New Moon in Taurus on May 7 is a new beginning for you and your home life, and a lot of this month will be about finding those people and spaces that feel like home to you and that make you feel supported in who you are. Jupiter enters a fellow air sign on May 25, and Jupiter in Gemini brings in a year ahead of romance, creativity, confidence, and finding your joy. Things are shifting big time in your life right now, but you are figuring out what works for you and what doesn’t.
PISCES
It's time to protect your energy and create boundaries where needed, Pisces. May is a month of checking in with yourself and emotionally regulating before moving forward. Pluto goes retrograde at the start of the month and will be retrograde in your 12th house of closure, secrets, and healing until October. What this means for you is a chance at clarity of the heart, but this transit can also bring up old issues or power struggles of the past. Remember to learn from past experiences and decide for yourself today how you want things to go for you from here.
There is a Full Moon in Sagittarius on May 23, and being a mutable sign like Sagittarius, you can tap into the potential of this Full Moon effectively. This is the time to turn a page within your career or professional world and see some resolution here. Before the month ends Jupiter enters your house of home, family, and history, and you are going to be opening your mind on these matters over the next year. You could be expanding the home, moving, or experiencing a deep sense of healing here now.
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