

I don't know about you but, a lot of times, whenever I read books or articles on relationships, when it comes to signs that you're in the wrong one, oftentimes it has to do with things like abuse (neglect is a form of abuse, by the way), being taken for granted, always giving your all to someone who does very little giving in return (check out "Why You're Always The One Who Prepares A Man For His Wife")…you know, stuff like that. But what happens when you're with a guy who, for all intents and purposes, is pretty close to greatness? You like each other. The chemistry is cool. If someone were to ask you for a list of 10 things that you appreciate about the connection, you could state them with a fair amount of ease. Problem is, for the past few weeks (or even months), you've been feeling like something, somehow, isn't quite right. It's like, while you feel like you're currently on a path to soaring, for some reason, your relationship feels like it's in the way—although you can't put your finger on why you feel that way.
If what I just said somehow scratched an itch somewhere in your psyche, take out about seven minutes or so to check this piece all the way out. When it comes to being in the kind of relationship that is truly best for us, it's not enough that the relationship is cool; it also needs to be one that is helping us to progress, clearly, in life. If you can't say that about your own, real talk, it's probably doing the opposite (holding you back) which isn't a good thing. So, how can you know for sure if your man is holding you back in this season of your life?
Let’s Start with “If You Have to Ask” (and You’re Reading This Article)
So, usually when I'm writing something where I feel like this particular point needs to be mentioned, I will save it for the end. But, in this case, I'm going to switch up a bit. Have you ever heard the saying that oftentimes, we're looking for someone to tell us what, in the back of our mind, we already know? While I'm sure that some women clicked onto this article, just for curiosity's sake, I've been writing (and relationship coaching) long enough to know that some of y'all clicked on here because you are seeking confirmation that your man is indeed a "stumbling block" of sorts. It's not that you don't love him. It's not that the two of you don't share some good times together. It's not even that he doesn't have some awesome qualities. It's just that—it feels like you're not at a place in your life that you thought that you would, once you finally met "the one". Because of that, you've been looking for a sign to let you know that the eerie feeling that you have in the pit of your stomach is spot-on.
While this first point may not be the huge blinking neon sign that you've been looking for, if you keep reading, something tells me that you'll have the clarity you seek in just a few more moments. Let's keep going.
Reflect on the Concessions You Made in the Relationship Since Day One
There is no way that a relationship is healthy (or is even going to last long), if both parties aren't willing to compromise along the way. Since none of us are perfect, there are even certain concessions that are usually made in order for a relationship to flow smoothly. But when it comes to this particular point, what I do encourage you to ponder is what it literally means to concede. When it comes to "acknowledging what is true" (like maybe your man doesn't look exactly how you thought your dream guy would or he doesn't check off on every single thing that's on your "what I want in a man list"), it's realistic to accept that it's rare that any of us get all of what we want and that's OK. But when it comes to another definition of concede which is "yield to pressure or circumstances", you really should think about if you are currently conceding a hell of a lot more than you should; perhaps because you've been doing more than you ever have, ever since the relationship began.
- Did you always overlook some of his traits that you can never seem to really mesh with?
- Have you always ignored the fact that he's not really the best complement for your life?
- Did you let your family members or friends talk you into starting what has felt more like a hindrance the entire time (just because it hasn't been the right time)?
- Have you always wanted a relationship that has more passion, more drive—more something that is lacking in the one that you're in?
- Did you do what I've done in a few of my relationships—go into it convincing yourself that you would eventually like the guy as much as he liked you? Only, that still hasn't happened…yet?
Maybe you're staying in the relationship simply because you've been in it so long that you fear the thought of starting over. Maybe you're remaining because you don't want to hurt your man's feelings. Maybe the relationship is good but something in you knows that there's a man out in the universe who you can actually be great with.
If this is hitting close to home, just remember that a concession in the form of compromise is one thing. But if you are sacrificing your own core needs in the process of remaining where you are, that is unhealthy. It's also not very fair to either one of you in the long run.
Ask Yourself What About the Relationship Reminds You of Past Slip-Ups
There are some movies that, you're not really sure why you are intrigued to check it out, but something just draws you in. That's how I feel about the filmThe Worst Year of My Life. It's about a guy who thinks he's found the one but then he finds out his live-in girlfriend has been sleeping with someone else. When he goes to therapy, he starts to connect some dots that he never saw coming. In case you want to check it out, I'll leave it there when it comes to offering up details, but what I will say is 1) the movie is a great commercial for why therapy following a devastating break-up can be a really beneficial thing, and 2) it is also a vivid visual reminder of why paying attention to your patterns can help you break them.
Last year, when I wrote the article, "Are You Dating The Same Guy Over And Over Again? Maybe.", a huge part of what inspired it is, I used to be that kind of person. It wasn't until I got really honest with myself about, not only what my "type" was but why, how my toxic family background played a direct role, and what I needed to do in order to master how to love myself before loving any guy that I was able to actually stop choosing guys who were preventing me from growing and maturing.
Another good sign that your man is holding you back is there are certain things about him that remind you of your ex (or exes). Not only that, but when you reflect on what caused you to end your relationship with "said ex", you see some of those same issues in your current situation. They might not be as big. They might not be as bad. But they are indeed there. And trust me when I say that when a current has similarities to your ex that aren't positive characteristics, eventually they are going to rear their ugly head. Oftentimes, it's once you realize that you're not so much with the right man as someone who is merely familiar to you. Good and familiar are not synonymous. Please always remember that.
Do You Feel Like You’re Going Forwards, Going Backwards or Staying in the Same Place?
Not too long ago, I was talking to a male friend of mine, who is going through a season of shedding some of the dead weight from his own friendships. The reason why I use the phrase "dead weight" is because, something that life teaches those of us who are paying attention is to how to value our time and ourselves; that if a relationship, of any sort, either keeps us stuck in the past or it makes us feel so stagnant that we can't fully and easily move forward into what the future has in store for us, it's really not the healthiest kind.
A good example of how a relationship can keep you going backwards is you find yourself reliving the same mistakes and/or lessons over and over again. Or, you realize that, whenever you're around certain people, you resort back to how you were 2, 5 or even 10 years ago. An example of being stagnant? I'll pull from my own life. One of my longest relationships was also one where I wanted it to transition into marriage. Meanwhile, my boyfriend kept promising that if I just gave him one more year (after several years), that would come into fruition. It never did. He wasn't a "bad guy" for not being able to give me what I wanted. At the same time, I wasn't exactly being very good to myself because, all of the energy that I was putting into waiting on him and even trying to convince him to speed up the clock, was energy that I could've invested into other ways that would help me to get further down my own life's pike.
Make no mistake about the fact that, if you want to know if a relationship—whether it's professional or personal, platonic or romantic—is a good one, one way to know for sure is you're going to be able to document clear indications of where it helped you to become, not just a better version of yourself but a bigger and more progressive version too. Anyone who isn't doing that is either using their influence in your life to push you backwards or to keep you stagnant. Life is too short and precious to settle for either of these scenarios to be the case.
Where Do You Want to Be This Time Next Year?
When it comes to this last point, if you're someone who is contemplating getting into a new relationship, I promise you that if you read (and apply) the article "The 'Pre-Commitment Interview' Every Dating Couple Should Have", it can actually spare you a lot of "Is my man holding me back?" internal conflict and drama. The reason why that is, is because a lot of us find ourselves in relationships that are going absolutely nowhere, mostly because we assumed that our partner was on the same page as us when it came to where we ultimately wanted things to go. Never get caught assuming because, believe you me when I say that, there are a lot of people who are perfectly content being in a relationship (or situationship) with someone—day after day, month after month and year after year—without it ever becoming anything more than what it already is. The only way you can avoid being caught up in this kind of holding pattern is by getting clear on what you want for your life in time increments (like six months from now, a year from now, etc.), sharing those thoughts with your significant other and then deciding if you're both on the same page (or are even in the same book) or not.
So, if you are already in a relationship, this is my final piece of advice. First, make a plan for what you want for your life. Then think about how much closer you can get to manifesting those plans over the course of the next 12 months. Next, get serious about if your current significant other is able to support those plans or if they will somehow hold you back. If you're not sure, bring all of this up to your man, so that you can both speak freely. If he conveys that he wants to help you with where you want to go and that he also wants to be in a different/forward movement space, with you, by this time next year—and his character in times past has proven that his word can be trusted—stay. If he's not sure, give him some time (just not all the time in the world) to figure it out. If he doesn't believe that he wants what you do, to tell yourself that he didn't mean what he said or that he will change his mind? Not only is that a sign of you being held back but—get this—that it's not him who is doing it. It's you.
Bottom line, the best relationships are always progressive. They move forward. They get better. New things happen. Set goals are met. Growth transpires. If you're not able to confidently say, without a shadow of any doubt, that your relationship is in this kind of space, it is worth pausing things and asking yourself, "Is my man holding me back?" and then making some major changes if the ultimate conclusion that you come to, sis, is…yes.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
On her debut album,CTRL,SZA crooned about her desire to be a “Normal Girl.” Now, nearly eight years since its release, her Not Beauty line represents her commitment to existing outside of traditional beauty norms.
The singer whose real name is Solána Imani Rowe first teased the idea of a lip gloss line during Super Bowl LIX in February, noting that the release would be happening “very shortly.” Not Beauty debuted simultaneously with the Grand National Tour, which she co-headlines with Kendrick Lamar, in Minneapolis on April 19.
Each Not Beauty pop-up would offer fans the opportunity to purchase the glosses, learn more about the brand, and have the opportunity to meet the superstar in the flesh regardless of their ticket status.
During the Los Angeles tour stop, which spanned three dates on May 21, May 23, with the finale on May 24, xoNecole had the opportunity to test out the glosses included in this soft launch, as SZA revealed in a statement that "this is just the start of other lip products, including plans to launch stains, liners, and creams all inspired by SZA's “infamous layered lip combinations.”
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So, what is included in the first Not Beauty launch?
The current Not Beauty products available are lip glosses that come in three shades: In the Flesh, Strawberry Jelly, and Quartz.
During my visit to the first LA Not Beauty pop-up activation, I not only had the chance to purchase all three glosses but also took a peek inside the blow-up log tent. Inside, fans got to experience SZA’s love for nature and her fascination with bugs, which are prominently featured in her performances for this tour. At one point, she even had human preying mantis prancing across the stage y'all.
There were blow-up photos of the beauty that is SZA for fans (myself included) to take photos, but in wooden-like tree trunks were a deeper dive into some of the ingredients featured in her products and their benefits.
For example, the glosses feature Hi-Shine Lip Jelly and Shea Butter as key ingredients and some of the listed benefits included are:
- Shea Butter - “A powerhouse ingredient, offering both functional and nourishing benefits.”
- Hi-Shine Lip Jelly (featured in the In the Flesh shade) - “Formula glides on with perfect adhesion to the lips without stickiness).
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What are in the products?
Featured in an orange package, with images of a bug and flower on the side, the back of the box reads: “It’s NOT BEAUTY, it just works. Developed by Solána “SZA” Rowe.
As someone who never leaves home without a good lip gloss, I loved how compact the wood panel packaging is. Perfect to slip into my purse, or in the case of the show at SoFi Stadium, into my pocket when I’m not carrying a bag.
Because I’m a sucker for a good black and brown lip liner and clear gloss combo, I decided to wear the Quartz flavor on night one of the Grand National Tour LA stop, and it did not disappoint. I’ll admit, it’s light weight feel made me nervous because it felt like there was nothing on my lips. However, when I checked my lips in my compact mirror several times throughout the night, I was shocked to find that my gloss was still intact. I only reapplied once out of the habit of looking cute and applying my gloss, but not necessity.
Here are some of the ingredients featured, but not limited to, in the Quartz flavor.
- Polyisoubutene
- Butyrospermum Parkii (Shea)Butter
- Ricinus Communis (Castor) Seed Oil
- Mentha Piperita (Peppermint) Oil
- Tocopherol
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Lip prep
I’m a simple girl who loves to stay true to her roots. So ahead of the show, I stopped by a local Inglewood Beauty Supply store and grabbed a Black and Brown shade lip pencil for just under $2 a piece.
Shading the outline of my lips with the black pencil first, I used the brown to lightly fill the inside of my lips before applying my Quartz Not Beauty shade gloss.
How to apply
There’s truly no right or wrong way to apply lip gloss (in my opinion), with this being a brush applicator sort of product, I simply untwisted the top and swiped the gloss around my top and bottom lip generously.
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Results
Again, my Not Beauty Quartz product stayed on my lips from the start of the show, which began with a fire DJ set from LA’s very own, Mustard, to the conclusion when Kendrick and SZA reunited on stage to send us home to their duet, “luther,” featured on the rapper's GNX album.
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It’s almost always “annoyingly fun” to have conversations with super churchy folks. Example? Recently, I had on an anklet that a particular woman took notice of. When she complimented it and asked what it was made of, I said, “Moonstone, which is one of my birthstones.” Oddly enough, she then turned up her nose and said that stones and crystals were tied to witchcraft, to which I casually replied, “Then I guess you hate Aaron’s breastplate, huh?” She paused and turned her nose up again — this time, though, because she just experienced a good old-fashioned “checkmate.”
This article is about crystals not Scripture, so when it comes to the latter, I’ll just briefly say that if you mosey on over to Exodus 28, you’ll see that a high priest breastplate is referenced; one that contains precious gems including topaz, sapphire, agate, onyx and jasper (and that’s just for starters!). Yeah, it really is important to not just throw judgments around like confetti — know of what you are actually speaking of first (because that’s what Matthew 7 is really all about).
I did think it was important to mention that for potential skeptics about why this article even exists. Because although there are Scriptural and evenscience-based individuals who roll their eyes at the power of what gemstones and crystals can (possibly) do, I’m pretty sure that some of you are not surprised that the holistic and Ayurveda worlds see it all very differently.In those realms, energy plays a big role in physical, emotional, and mental health, and crystals are believed to cultivate balance or intensify certain feelings or experiences through that said energy.
That said, when it comes to sex, specifically, there are certain stones (which are basically what crystals are;in fact, all gemstones are a type of crystal) that are believed to help make intimacy even more satisfying. If you’re curious about which ones are, I’ve got 10 for you below.
10 Crystals That May Enhance Your Intimate Life
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1. Garnet
Garnet is a rich shade of red that happens to be January’s gemstone. It’s considered to be one of the oldest gemstones around, one that Egyptians believed was a symbol of life and something that they oftentimes wore in their signet rings. As far as symbolism goes, garnet also represents love and vitality as well as energy, passion and even self-confidence — all of which are quite relevant when it comes to having an active and fulfilling sex life.
2. Amethyst
Queen Cleopatra and Leonardo da Vinci are just two powerful figures who were big fans of the purple gemstone amethyst. Interestingly enough, it is February’s birthstone — the month that Valentine’s Day falls under. Another interesting fact is many early Christians relied on this gem in order to increase their spirituality while many Greeks used to see it as a stone that provided protection. When it comes to intimacy, amethyst is also associated with love and devotion as well as feelings of calm and reduced anxiety — and since the less calm you feel, the easier it is to climax…well. #wink
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3. Orange Carnelian
Looking to experience more joy and happiness? Or maybe you want to strengthen your friendships. Or perhaps it’s time to increase your pleasure levels or to go into deeper levels of sensuality. For all of these things, orange carnelian is a top-tier pick. As I did a bit more research on this stone, it’s considered to be a royal one and something that can bring forth peace. One of my favorite things about orange carnelian is it comes in different hues of orange — the deeper the color, the more passion it exudes. Just an FYI.
4. Rose Quartz
If you want to take your romantic relationship to another level, rose quartz has a solid reputation for helping to make that happen for you. In fact, this pink crystal is oftentimes referred to as being the stone of unconditional love because it encourages the wearers of it to both give as well as put themselves in the position to receive love too. Since rose quartz is also tied to things like emotional healing, restored trust and harmony, if you’re looking to make a much deeper intimate connection with your partner, this just might be the stone for you.
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5. Rhodochrosite
Rhodochrosite is a red-rose colored stone that I personally hold dear. I say that because, as a survivor of sexual abuse, it is one that helps recovering individuals to work through sexual trauma (and trauma, in general). It is associated with love, compassion and strength as it helps you to process your emotions in a positive way, so that you are able to effectively release past pain and deal with any PTSD that you might have. You know, I know a wife who sexually struggled in her marriage for years because she had been sexually assaulted in college and never told her husband.
A stone of compassion is a precious one — including when it comes to dealing with sexual trauma and intimacy challenges and learning how to face them. Salute to this stone right here.
6. Citrine
Citrine is November’s birthstone and its rich yellow color explains why it represents things like abundance, prosperity, radiance and happiness. Aside from this, whether you’re seeking clarity, you’d like to be more creative or you’re interested in becoming more sensual, citrine encourages all of this. Sensuality is a dope word because it’s all about appealing to all five senses; especially during intimacy. To learn more about how to do that, check out “How To Incorporate All Five Senses To Have The Best Sex Ever.”
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7. Red Jasper
While doing my own research on what red jasper represents, what I liked the most is it’s something that encourages emotional stability which is always a wonderful thing to have. Although it is a fiery red color, it also contains grounding properties and it symbolizes strength, courage and, another word that can always make sex more pleasurable: stamina. Since stamina is what helps both men and women to last longer during sex, anything that is a “stamina hack” earns an automatic mention when it comes to sex-themed content — including this.
8. Clear Quartz
A fun fact about quartz is it’s one of the most common minerals on this planet. When it comes to clear quartz, specifically, I like the way that it looks because it’s either a cloudy white or something that you can see straight through. As far as its symbolism is concerned, if you want to reduce physical discomfort, remove distractions and focus more on heightened levels of yourself, this crystal represents all of that. Clear quartz also encourages healing, spiritual growth and balance. To me, it seems like if you want to cultivate a spiritual or meditative (check out “What Exactly Is 'Orgasmic Meditation'?”) experience with your partner, clear quartz is a stone to try.
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9. Shiva Lingam
I ain’t got no lies to tell you — when I first happened upon this particular stone, the first thing that came to my mind was an article that I penned for the site back in the day entitled, “Blow Your Man's Mind By Giving Him This Tantalizing Massage.” That’s because it explains what a lingam massage is and, as you can see, this crystal has that word all up in it. The history of lingam is a bit layered (you can read about it here); however, because it is considered by many to be a phallic symbol and that typically represents the penis — shiva lingam is a neutral-colored crystal that represents both sexuality as well as fertility. Shocking, right? #sarcasm
10. Pyrite
It doesn’t escape me that it’s kind of funny that I’m closing this out with a crystal that has the nickname “fool’s gold.” That’s due to its appearance. That said, it’s also a stone that has some interesting symbolism to it. Since it comes from a Greek word that means fire — of course, it’s a crystal of passion. Since it also taps into things like heightened energy, self-esteem, creativity, awakened senses and the removal of toxic thoughts — if any stone should be in your “let’s get it on” crystal collection, pyrite would be the one!
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Know what’s kinda wild? While I was on Etsy’s site looking for another moonstone, a sake popped up in my feed on what the merchant calls their “libido crystal set” — and six of the 10 stones that I’ve mentioned throughout this article are featured in the collection.
Yeah, I’ll take that as a confirmation that whether you purchase a piece of jewelry that has one (or more) of these stones or you buy a piece of crystal itself to place somewhere in your bedroom — just putting your own energy into wanting a better sex life is a powerful step in the right direction to achieving it.
And what science can’t refute is the benefits of positive thoughts and actions — crystals or not.
So, if precious stones are totally your thing — enjoy, sis. Enjoy!
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