"Get enough groceries and water for the next two weeks, get some cash on hand and fill up your gas tank." That's what my dad told me mere days before the pandemic hit America and we went on lockdown with what we now call "The Quarantine". Of course, as a single woman, I was in a state of shock. How was I going to get through this on my own with no family? What were my girlfriends doing? And how would I function as a newly single woman? I had questions, ya'll. But, as a black woman, I knew all too well how to rise to the occasion and SURVIVE so that's all I focused on was surviving and getting through my first pandemic.
From binge-watching movies, eating all of my snacks, and taking care of myself physically because I thought I had "The Rona" - I was strictly in survival mode. Since I was sick, I had to deal with thinking about the virus every single day so per Solange, I "netflix and chilled" it away, ate it away, slept it away and IGNORED it away. It wasn't until the end of April, after I started to feel better mentally and physically, that I began to realize that I needed to do more than survive, I needed to thrive. With this "new normal" of self-quarantining and the endless amount of abysmal news, it was easy for anxiety and depression to kick in while sheltering in place - especially by yourself. But I realized that now was the best time to really tune into myself and give my brain - and my body - a chance to process these emotions and reset.
So, here are 10 things that I've done to pamper and self-care myself back into thriving in this crazier world that we now live in.
1. Do nothing.
In a world where the hustle and bustle of life is applauded, rest is a valuable and sometimes slept-on commodity. Although the grind is real, so is your need to step back and indulge in doing nothing from time to time. The quarantine has been a reminder to slow down, why not surrender to that? Watch TV, sleep, crack open that book you've been meaning to get around to reading. But most importantly, in the immortal words of Whitley Gilbert, "relax, relate and RELEASE!"
2. Read lots of books.
Speaking of reading, something that people in busy seasons admit to often is that they do not have the time to pour into reading as much as they'd like to. In this interim, I've carved out meaningful space and time to do so. Fictional stories are the best to help escape reality, but also consider reading self-improvement books and inspirational books that pour into you positively. Check out our article, "13 Books To Read For A Better Relationship With Yourself" to start.
Photo Credit: Kanobi Pollard
Annisa LiMara/xoNecole
3. Pray, mediate or journal.
Whenever you find yourself feeling anxious, overwhelmed or stressed, tune into your higher source to help you stay grounded. Prayer, meditation and journaling are all spiritual practices that can help make you feel more grounded. The clarity that you find as you connect with your inner self and connect with a higher power is invaluable. In addition to that, you will also feel more centered and less stressed as a result...as you deserve!
4. Move your body!
Although we're in between a rock and a hard place when it comes to our feelings about whether or not we should amp up productivity during this time or give into this season of rest, one thing's for sure: Movement is vital. Rest doesn't mean to never get up and show thanks to the able body you've been given. Give gratitude while increasing your overall wellness by moving your body each day. Climb some steps, turn on YouTube and do a workout routine or a yoga practice. Whatever you do, move.
Annisa LiMara/xoNecole
5. Make a FaceTime date with...YOUR FRIENDS!
While some states are opening back up, some of us are still declining invites to functions and meet-ups and deciding to self-isolate a bit longer. That being said, it can feel lonely and without in-person energy to pour into you, you can feel less like yourself. There's nothing like a community of women who support you that lifts you up and reminds you of who you are. Take this time to get creative with how you spend time with your friends and girlfriends. Have a much-needed girls' night in TODAY! All you need is Zoom and wine.
6. Take an elaborate shower or flower bath.
"Treat yo' self" is a phrase that is often associated with sitting back and relaxing in a warm bath, and we know why. Not only does it come with its fair share of health benefits, taking a bath provides a sense of renewal as you cleanse away dirt, stress, worry and anxiety. Candles add a soothing mood to your space and smell amazing. If you're up to it, light some candles, put on some Jill Scott, add a bath bomb, fix yourself a glass of wine, and engage in some glorious pampering.
Photo Credit: Kanobi Pollard
Annisa LiMara/xoNecole
7. Put your phone down. Seriously.
In this day and age, when so much of what we do is done through our phones, some may find it difficult to take the breaks they need from their devices. However, I implore you to put your phone down every now and then. Not only is it great for your mental health to lessen your preoccupation tied to your phone, but you also effectively connect to yourself more when you disconnect from the world by unplugging. In short, put the phone down, sis.
8. Develop a green thumb and focus on taking care of something else.
Many black women are taking after our ancestors and developing a green thumb during this time. Caring for plants allow you to focus on the health and growth of a living thing outside of yourself while beautifying your space. Some plants can also improve air quality and humidity levels in your place (fights off the Rona), reduces stress (because of the Rona), and make people calmer and happier (in spite of the Rona). It also reduces workplace negativity and helps relieve symptoms of discomfort and minor ailments. If you want to know what plants you can get started with, check out our article, "These Easy To Care For Plants Can Thrive With Little To No Sunlight".
Photo Credit: Kanobi Pollard
Annisa LiMara/xoNecole
Through it all, everyone needs to take care of themselves mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. Period. Our world before this didn't prioritize self-care in a real way, it was a mere hashtag for many, including myself. However, because I'm a natural introvert, I learned at a young age that my very own personal love language IS pampering myself, and tuning into my needs because that is vital to my overall wellbeing. Have I always succeeded in doing so? Absolutely not but before this, I always tried to make it a priority.
Photo Credit: Kanobi Pollard
Annisa LiMara/xoNecole
But in a time that has forced us to really sit with ourselves (poor, poor extroverts), this is the perfect time to really love on ourselves and appreciate just being. Self-care isn't always pretty nor as simple as lighting some candles and getting a manicure, it's really about tending to whatever part of you that needs some extra TLC at that time.
This pandemic has really shown us that we have a plethora of needs that we must tend to and now have the time to do so. So do it.
Do you have a beauty, wellness or self-care find that you've tried recently and want to share your experience? Join the xoTribe members community to connect with other beauty lovers and share your wins with the tribe.
Featured image courtesy of Annisa LiMara/Kanobi Pollard
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RELATED
Let me start this off by saying that of course, to a certain extent, the answer is subjective because it’s mostly opinion-rather-than-fact driven. However, I personally think that sex is hella impactful, which is why I hope that my personal breakdown will at least cause you to want to think about what you do, who you do it with, and why, more than you may have in the past.
Because although, at the end of the day, the physical aspects of making love, having sex, and f-cking are very similar, you’d be amazed by how drastically different they are in other ways…at the very same time.
Making Love
GiphyBack when I wrote my first book, I wasn’t even 30 at the time and still, one of the things that I said in it is, I pretty much can’t stand the term “make love.” Way back then, I stated that sex between two people who truly love each other and are committed for the long haul, when it comes to what they do in the bedroom, it’s so much more about CELEBRATING love than MAKING it. To make means “to produce” or “to bring into existence;” to celebrate means “to commemorate,” “to perform” or “to have or participate in a party, drinking spree, or uninhibited good time.”
The act of sex, standing alone? It can’t make love happen and honestly, believing otherwise is how a lot of people find themselves getting…got.
What do I mean? Tell me how in the world, you meet a guy, talk to him for a few weeks, don’t even know his middle name or where he was born and yet somehow, you choose to call the first time you have sex with him (under those conditions) “making love.” You don’t love him. You don’t know him well enough to love him. He doesn’t love you either (for the same reason). And yet you’re making love? How sway? Oh, but let that sex be bomb and those oxytocin highs might have you tempted to think that’s what’s happening — and that is emotionally dangerous. And yes, I mean, literally.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times before, that one of the reasons why I like that the Bible defines sex between a husband and his wife is by using the word “know” (Genesis 4:1) is because, well, I think that is what celebrating love is all about — we know each other well enough to know that we love each other, we know each other well enough to know that we aren’t going anywhere, and that knowing is what makes us want to celebrate that union by getting as close to one another and bringing as much physical pleasure to each other as we possibly can…as often as absolutely possible.
To me, that is what the peak of physical intimacy is all about — and the people who choose to use the term “make love,” it should be seen through this type of lens. When this type of mental and emotional bond comes together via each other’s bodies, they are amplifying love, enjoying love, embracing love.
Making it, though? Chile, the love has already been made. Sex is just the icing on the cake.
Having Sex
GiphyA few nights ago, I found myself rewatching this movie called Four of Hearts (which you can currently view on yep, you guessed it: Tubi). It’s about two married couples — one that is in an open marriage and another that isn’t although they somehow thought that sharing a night with the other couple would be a good idea (chile). Anyway, as one of the partners found themselves getting low-key sprung, the one they fell for said in one of the scenes, “It wasn’t a connection. It was just sex.” JUST. SEX.
Listen, when you decide to let a man put an entire part of his body inside of you at the risk of potentially getting an STI/STD or pregnant (because no form of birth control is 100 percent except for abstinence), it can never be “just sex” (somebody really needed to hear that too). At the same time, though, I got the character’s point because, if one or both people do not love each other or even deeply care for one another and/or sex is treated as an activity more than an act to establish a worthwhile connection and/or you and the person you are sleeping with have not really discussed what you are expecting from sex besides the act itself — you’re definitely not making/celebrating love.
Not by a long shot. What can make things get a bit complicated, though, is you’re doing the same act that “love makers” do without the same mental and emotional ties…or (sometimes) expectations.
You know, back when I decided to put all of my business out there via the piece “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners,” now more than ever, I am quite clear that most of those guys fell into the “having sex” category. I wasn’t in the type of relationship with them where “making love” even made sense; however, because I was friends with most of them, we weren’t exactly f-cking (which I will get to in just a moment) either. We had a connection of some sort for the bedroom yet not enough to be together in the other rooms of the house.
We were really attracted and curious, so we decided to act on that. Oftentimes, the sex was good and so we rationalized that “having sex” was enough because if the friendship was, eh, “sound enough”, that we could justify the physical pleasure.
And y’all, that’s kind of what having sex is — it’s the limbo (or purgatory, depending on your situation) between making love and f-cking. The thing about limbo ish is it’s a lot like something being lukewarm: it’s not really one thing or another which means that it can completely blindside you, if you’re not careful (and totally honest with yourself as well as your partner(s)).
So, if you are contemplating having sex, I really — REALLY — recommend that you figure out how you feel, what you want (outside of the act itself) and if you are prepared for what “not quites” can bring. My mother used to say that the consequences of sex don’t change just because the circumstances do — and there is some solid “wow” to that, if you really stop to think about it.
GiphyAnd finally, f-ck. Although most experts on the word (and yes, there are some) agree that its origin is rooted somewhere within the German language (although some say that it might’ve come from Middle English words like fyke or fike which mean “to move about restlessly” or the Norwegian word fukka which means “to copulate”), you might have also heard that it is an acronym that once stood for “Fornication Under Consent of the King”; and there is actually some data that is connected to that as well.
Legend has it that way back in the day, in order to keep reproduction rates where a particular king wanted them to be, he would instruct his residents to have sex with each other — whether they were married or not (hence, the word “fornication” being in the acronym). However, because sex outside of marriage was taken far more seriously at the time, residents had to apply for a permit to participate so that the king could determine if things like their occupation and lineage would prove to be beneficial for the kingdom overall. F-ck: no love; just necessity. And although some believe this to be more myth than fact, what is certain is it was only over time that f-ck was seen as a profane/swear/cuss word — a word that was perceived to be so offensive, in fact, that between the years 1795-1965, it didn’t even appear in dictionaries.
Personally, when I think of this four-letter word, the first thing that actually comes to my mind is animals. Take a dog being in heat, for instance. That’s basically when a female dog is ovulating and wants to have sex the most. It’s not because they are “in love” with another dog; they are simply doing what instinctively comes to them — and since animals do not reason or feel at the same capacity that humans do, although they science says that many of them do experience pleasure when they engage in their version of sexual activity, it’s not nearly as layered or even profound as what we experience.
Let’s keep going. Another reason why f-cking makes me think of animals is due to the doggy style position. Hear me out. Ain’t it wild how, most of us pretty much know that the term comes from how dogs have sex, even though most animals have sex that same way — and think about it: Doggy style doesn’t consist of making eye contact or kissing while having intercourse. It’s “hitting from behind” without much emotional energy or effort at all. Just how animals do it. And so, yeah, f-cking does seem to be more about pure animal — or in our case, mammal — instinct. I don’t need to feel anything for someone, so long as the sexual desire is there. Hmph.
Something else that I find to be interesting about f-cking is how dictionaries choose to define it. Many of them are going to provide you with two definitions: “to have sexual intercourse with” and “to treat unfairly or harshly (usually followed by over)” and that definitely makes me think of another term — casual sex and words that define casual like apathetic, careless and without serious or definite intention. So, the dictionary says that while f-cking is about having sexual intercourse — just like making love and having sex is — it goes a step further and says that it can include being treated unfairly or harshly.
And although that can make you think of assault on the surface, for sure — sometimes being treated unfairly or harshly is simply feeling like someone had sex AT you and not really WITH you; instinct (i.e., getting off) and that’s about it. Yeah, the way this puzzle is coming together, f-cking seems to be more about lust and self and not much else.
Now That You Know the Difference, What to Keep in Mind
Y’all, this is definitely the kind of topic that I could expound on until each and every cow comes home. That said, here’s hoping that I provided enough perspective on each act to close this out by encouraging you to keep the following three things to keep in mind:
1. Before you engage in copulation, be honest with yourself about what you’re ACTUALLY doing — and that your partner agrees with you. You know, they say that our brain is our biggest sex organ and honestly, breaking down the differences between making love, having sex and f-cking helps to prove that fact. I say that because, although the sex act itself is pretty much the same across the board, you and your partner’s mindset can make the experience completely different. That said, if you think that you are making love and they think y’all are just having sex — stuff can get pretty dicey. Bottom line: communicate in the bedroom before attempting to connect outside of it. It’s always worth it when you do.
2. Yes, you can feel one way and do something else. I can just about guess what some of y’all are on: Shellie, we can love our partner and still just want to f-ck. If what you are saying is you can emotionally love someone and physically lust them and want to act sometimes on the lust without really factoring in the love — yes, I agree. Doggy style continues to be a favorite sex position for people, in general, and I’m more than confident that many of the participants polled are in a serious relationship. However, having lust-filled sex with someone who you know loves you is vastly different than doing it with someone who you have no clue what they think about you or you barely know at all. Y’all, please just make sure that you know…what you should know. Sex is too amazing to have a lot of regret after it.
3. Have realistic expectations about sex. Listen, so much of my life consists of writing and talking about sex that I will be the first one to say that it deserves a ton of props for what it is able to do, in a wonderful way, for people mentally, emotionally and physically. Yet again, I’m not a fan of “make love” because something that feels really good doesn’t always mean that it is good for you. Meaning, you’ve got to be real about what sex with someone will do to your mind and spirit — not just what it will do for your body. An author by the name of Gabriel García Márquez once said, “Sex is the consolation you have when you can't have love.” For no one, should this be a constant norm. Feel me? I hope you do.
____
One act. Three very different experiences.
It’s kind of wild that sex has the ability to create that — and yet, clearly, it does.
Please just make sure that you know which experience you’re signing up for.
So that you’re having sex (you know, in general) instead of sex having you. Real talk.
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Featured image by Giphy