5 Reasons I'll Still Be Self-Isolating Even After The States Reopen
Everything related to COVID-19 has been a hot mess and a ball of stress. From losing clients and being stuck in the U.S. to having to cancel events and even coping with the death of someone I know---life's been more than challenging these past few months. When I'm not trying to pick up the pieces of my broken travel plans and confused bank account, I'm juggling virtual appointments with my therapist, course assignments for my master's program, incessant Zoom meeting and event invites, and thoughts of saying to hell with it all.
I can definitely empathize with the millions of others in the same boat as me.
So please, bruh⌠sis, just know this: When outside fully opens for all of us, don't expect me to join you at that brunch table, on the cruise trip, or even for worship service. I don't care how many masks, sprays, and reassurances are given. Ya girl won't be in the building. Period.
I know some states and countries have lifted some restrictions, and people are out and about, but I'll still be self-isolating until I feel super-comfortable deep down in the pits of my soul to join the masses again. Hey, I won't shame you or try to convince you to do the same. I'll just let you know 5 reasons why I'm choosing caution over comfort:
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1. I've found career direction, money savvy, and discipline by staying inside.
Initially, I was very depressed and angry about being forced to remain in the same place for an extended period of time. (I mean, it's one thing to make a choice not to go anywhere. It's another for borders to be closed.) I also, obviously, did not like the initially negative impact COVID-19 had on my income streams. However, time at home has forced me to center my thoughts, get more creative, and reevaluate the services I offer and who I offer them to.
When you're distracted by too many choices, you sometimes get so caught up in it all that you lose sight of your long-term goals and what truly makes you happy. I thought I'd escaped the rat race of a 9-to-5 by going freelance full-time, but I found myself on another hamster wheel of entrepreneurship that wasn't really serving me. One client loss actually led me to a realization about a service I offer that I don't even enjoy doing---one that wasn't bringing in much money to begin with. COVID-19 forced me to essentially let go of dead weight and reevaluate the return on investment of time and energy.
I've also consulted branding managers, revamped my Website, got a new therapist, attended cool virtual events (that I would've been too busy to consider attending in-person), and found other skills I can market to make a coin. I think I have more self-work and re-focusing to do, so inside I'll be for a little while longer.
2. I can contribute to the good of the environment.
While I know governments have to make tough decisions that affect society as a whole, I can make my own choices about my body, my health, and my safety. Some of the affects of quarantine have been positive for the environment anyway. Experts have found that pollution and greenhouse gas emissions have decreased since the pandemic began, and though the positive effects might subside, this is good news for now.
Just because quarantines are lifted and businesses can open doesn't mean I have to immediately go back to life as usual. There's no law that says I have to go outside when everything opens up again. It's that simple.
I'm not an essential worker, my line of work can be done from anywhere that has WIFI and electricity, and I think it will be helpful to the community as a whole to help lessen the load of accommodating so many people who will be flooding the streets.
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3. I've adopted healthier habits and lost weight.
Yep, even with all the take-out and delivery food. Before the nationwide quarantine and business closures, I loved going out to eat and I only worked out when I felt like it. I'd have a meal at a restaurant at least three times a month. I enjoy the experience of having a chef cook and not having to do dishes or shop for groceries. When quarantines were mandated, I craved restaurant food, so I'd order delivery or takeout. Sadly, many restaurants are ill-equipped or lack proper infrastructure for effective delivery service, even when partnering with third-party apps.
After two very popular delivery platforms utterly disgusted me---offering cold, low-quality food, horrible drop-offs, and high fees---I decided to fast. I initially did two weeks---for the first, only water and tea, and the second, soups and liquids.
I really didn't start the fast to lose weight since fasts, for me, are related to spiritual and mental health, however, it doesn't hurt that I've lost 10 lbs so far.
I plan to continue. It's my way to take focus off unhealthy eating habits, detach from relying on restaurant meals, and release anger about wasted time and money. I plan to go vegan for a while once I break my fast (another lifestyle change I've done in the past and enjoyed).
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4. I was a germ-conscious introvert before COVID-19, and being so has suited me just fine.
No shade to people who are the total opposite---again, this is not to shame anyone for how they choose to live their lives---but I can count on one hand how many times I've been hospitalized or even extremely sick. I have always been a big fan of staying home if there are any semblance of symptoms of any sort of contagious ailment such as the common cold or flu. I was that kid who would not share food or candy with anybody, and don't get me started on toilet seats, cups, and utensils. I'm notorious for not letting people do things like dip their hands in a bag of chips or double dip a spoon in a sauce or soup.
I'm still a bit of a germaphobe---someone who doesn't allow "outside clothes" on or in my bed, washes clothing (no matter the color) in hot water, wears shower shoes in bathtubs I didn't clean myself (yes, even at hotels), and keeps handy bottles of sanitizer in my purse, in my car, and in almost every cupboard of the house.
After more than a decade of living in New York, falling victim to bedbugs from an apartment rental gone bad, and having a major health scare in my late teens, I stepped up the sanitation and germ-conscious game and never looked back. And I know, sis, I know: There are people who have done it all and still, unfortunately, got sick. However, experts have said, time and time again, that the more you can lessen exposure to germs and bodily fluids, the better your chances are of staying healthy.
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5. I need more evidence of a lower risk of contracting COVID-19.
So many stories are going around about the risks of getting COVID-19, the strain its caused for the healthcare system, and how a "mutant" version of it is anticipated to emerge in the near future. I'm not one to live by fear, but survivors of the virus have even said they do not think it a good idea to reopen businesses and reschedule recreational activities with groups so soon. And though there are vaccines under development, there is no vaccine readily available to the average consumer, according to reports.
A simple trip to the store for essentials has shown me that many don't follow directions and won't respect the six-foot advisement of social distancing anyway. I still see people gathering in groups conversing with no masks, people not washing their hands or using hand sanitizer, people using their bare hands to test fruits and vegetables, people coughing or sneezing without covering their mouths or using the inside of their elbows⌠I could go on and on. Even if I chose to do some of my favorite things outdoors--- sit on a beach, read at the library, have a meal on an outdoor veranda, or get on a plane---I can't do it with 100-percent confidence that I won't have an anxiety attack or be exposed to the virus.
Folks, I'd rather be safe than sorry, and to be honest, going back to life as usual for a brunch date, movie night or overseas trip just isn't in the cards for me right now. I will continue to pray, sanitize, self-isolate, self-motivate, and take things as slowly as I feel comfortable doing.
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ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. Thatâs why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who arenât afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, theyâre ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LISTÂ HERE.
Donât forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Do You Want To Be A Wife? Or Do You Just Want To Have A Wedding?
Even though itâs my life, sometimes I look at it and totally trip out over certain things.
For instance, even though I am aware that both Hebrew and African cultures put a lot of stock in the name of a child (because they believe it speaks to their purpose; so do I) and I know that my name is pretty much Hebrew for divine covenant, itâs still wild that in a couple of years, I will have been working with married couples for a whopping two decades â and boy, is it an honor when they will say something like, âShellie, weâve seen [professionally] multiple people and no one has been nearly as effective as you have been.â
Yep, me. Little oleâ never-been-married-before me. Yeah, yâall better quit letting people tell you what youâre called to do in this world. That is between you and the One who made you.
Okay, but let me stay on track. When it comes to the engaged couples specifically, who have crossed my path, something that I believe Iâve said to each and every one of them (especially the bride-to-be) is â âYou better enjoy every single minute of your wedding day because you deserve a big âole party for all of the work that youâre about to do.â And then I look at the woman as intensely as I can and say, âAnd you? Remember, you are a bride for a day. You are a wife for the rest of your life.â
Why do I emphasize that point so much? Itâs because those two things are not one and the same. Hmph. Let me tell it, a huge reason why 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women, however, is because a lot of them think that it is. And so, in the effort to do my part to help make marriages last longer and cause the divorce rate to go down, I think itâs important for more women to ponder if they really want to be a wife â or if they just want to throw a big party (a wedding), go on a trip (a honeymoon) and not much more than that.
Buckle in. This one might be a bit of a ride (for some, at least).
Itâs Time to Stop âLiving for the Fairy Taleâ
GiphyIf youâve been reading my content for a while (and if so, thank you), it will not shock you in the least that Iâve spent many years studying the origins of things as they directly relate to marriage. I know that the engagement ring is not about love but about a jewelry company that was about to go bust. So, they came up with the slogan âA diamond is foreverâ and then made some serious bank from it (you can read about that here).
I know that white wedding dresses have nothing to do with purity and virtue; in fact, women in the Bible often wore lots of bright colors during their more-than-one-day wedding celebrations. Actually, white comes from Queen Victoria making it famous back in the 1840s. I also know that a lot of people were pretty obsessed with evil spirits back in the day because things like wearing a wedding veil and bridesmaids wearing the same dresses were all about hiding from said spirits. Another pretty popular wedding day tradition? Well, Iâll just let you read Insiderâs âHere's the horrifying truth about why grooms carry brides across the threshold,â if youâre interested.
And as far as marriage goes, donât even get me started on the whole âIâm living for the fairy taleâ narrative that gets pushed incessantly. Iâve said in other articles before that "fairy tale" literally means âa story, usually for children, about elves, hobgoblins, dragons, fairies, or other magical creaturesâ and âan incredible or misleading statement, account, or belief.â Who wants to live for childish stories that are incredibly misleading? And the ones that have a character like Prince Charming in it? The Bible literally says that âcharm is deceitfulâ (Proverbs 31:30).
Know what else the Bible says? It states that death and life are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). So, whatâs up with all of this wedding/marriage rhetoric thatâs so popular and also, so⌠âsillyâ is the first word that comes to mind, âunrealisticâ is the second and âunnecessaryâ is the third?
Why are there so many expectations, especially when it comes to the wedding day, that push folks to the point where a whopping 49 percent of couples end up going into debt right after jumping the broom â all because they wanted to live for the fairy tale and throw a big party that they basically couldnât afford? SMDH.
It really is wild, just how much human nature tends to do things without even really knowing WHY it does it â even when it comes to marriage. And so, if you are someone who desires this type of union, be honest with yourself: what is your âwhyâ?
When it comes to becoming a wife someday, WHY do you want to do that?
A man needing to spend three times his salary on an engagement ring, WHY?
When it comes to having a big traditional wedding, WHY is it necessary?
Marriage is a goal for you (and donât get me wrong, marriage is a beautiful thing) â WHY is that the case?
When it comes to being married, WHY do you think it will better serve you than your single state?
Motivational speaker Eric Thomas once said, âWhen you find your âwhyâ, you will find a way to make it happen.â And when it comes to something as big (and supposed to be lifetime lasting) as marriage, perhaps a big part of the reason WHY so many of them do not go the distance is because there arenât enough âwhyâ questions, on the front end, that are asked (which is why you should partake in premarital counseling before your wedding day). Oh, but there should be.
Because saying âwhyâ you want a huge wedding is nothing more than âbecause I want toâ or âwhyâ you chose the man that you did is simply âI love himâ â Iâve been doing this couples work thing long enough to assure you that those answers simply arenât good enough. You need to know what it means to be a wife and why a marriage and a wedding are not the same thingâŚnot by the longest country mile that you can imagine.
What It Means to Be a Wife
GiphyIf youâve been reading my content for a while now, you know that Iâm good for throwing some Scripture in; itâs a part of my foundation and I make no apologies for it. And so, when it comes to what it means to be a wife, the first word thatâs used to define it in the Bible is âhelpmateâ (Genesis 2:18). A helpmate is a companion, a helper and someone who assists another individual â in this case, a husband.
While weâre here, a helper is not helping unless the help is actually needed and itâs good. Lawd, I canât tell you how many wife clients Iâve had who have totally missed that part. So, what does âgood helpâ look like?
- A good helper ASKS the person they are assisting what they need.
- A good helper does not try to control another person or make them do what they want.
- A good helper gets that needs can shift based on what is transpiring at any given time.
- A good helper makes things easier and less stressful.
- A good helper learns how to master good listening, effective communication, and wise timing.
And yes, in many ways, this is what it means to be a good wife. So, if you are someone who desires marriage, when it comes to what is required to be not just a wife but a GOOD WIFE, how much have you factored helping your man into the dynamic?
Not mothering him. Not bossing him around. Not trying to manipulate him into being a version of a husband that you would prefer. No, how much thought have you put into âAm I equipped to help another person be their best self? Am I ready to be supportive, encouraging, and nurturing? Was it even modeled to me, while growing up, to know what a proper helpmate looks like? Have I realized how much sacrifice goes into that type of role? Am I even selfless enough to be a consistent helper?â
I know this is probably gonna ruffle some feathers yet, you know something that Iâm not big on? Women saying that their man should give them the âprincess treatment.â Every time I hear that, the first thought that comes to my mind is âFathers make their daughters princesses while men make their wives a queenâ â and little girls are treated differently than grown women. And to that, Proverbs 12:4(NKJV) says, âAn excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones.â
My point? There is a MATURITY that is to come from going from princess to queen. A queen does have more privileges, yet, at the same time, she also has way more responsibility. Itâs not about sitting around and being catered to all day long. Queens have work to do â and itâs not always comfortable or pretty. Same thing goes for being a wife.
Yâall, I could go on and on (and on and on and on) about what it means to be a wife in a marriage. For now, Iâll just end this part of the article with, âIf youâre not ready to help, each and every day of your relationship, youâre not ready to be a wife.â Plain and simple.
Weddings Are Not Marriages (and Vice Versa)
GiphySo, why do so many people jump brooms (Iâm writing this with Black folks in mind first; jumping brooms is for us only), only to turn around and get divorced a few years later? Oh, I could go on and on as well about how a lot of people donât have much integrity when it comes to the promises that they make. Listen singles, when youâre dating someone, pay very close attention to whether the person youâre seeing keeps their word â and if you do the same.
It makes absolutely no sense to keep letting someone slide when it comes to reneging now, only to act shocked when they do the same thing after saying âI do.â And while weâre here, being a man or woman of your word is a character issue. Maybe folks are not strong in character when it comes to this.
Yet another reason why folks will get all dolled up, stand before God, family, and friends, look someone straight in the eye, and promise to never leave, only to do just that, is because many people honestly donât see past their wedding (and maybe their newlywed years). That is why you will hear so many people describe their perfect wedding day, down to the last detail, and yet, if you ask what their five-year plan for their marriage is, they have absolutely not one clue.
I mean, I get it â to a certain extent. A wedding is a big party where you get to dress to the nines, have people come to celebrate you and you get to have everything go your way â down to the font on the programs and reception napkins. Oh, but what a âtrickâ that can be if you think that your marriage is going to move like that, all of the time, moving forward. I liken it to The Bachelor franchise. Who wouldnât feel like they are falling for someone when theyâre able to live in a mansion with no bills, have fantasy dates that cost thousands of dollars, and a big oleâ rock that a famed jeweler donates?
Meanwhile, folks should watchUnREAL (the television series from several years back where some former producers of the franchise talk about what really happens behind the scenes) to get a reality check. To a certain extent, the same thing goes for marriage: while weddings produce this belief that marriage will be one big party where everyone focuses on you and everything goes your way, that isnât even close to being the reality of being married.
Honestly, the real deal is 1) if you donât want to learn how to love on a supernatural level; 2) if you donât want your strengths to be refined and your weaknesses to be challenged; 3) if you donât want to be held accountable in ways that you would never be if you remained single; 4) if you donât want to compromise on a daily basis and, 5) if you donât want to be challenged to become a truly selfless individual â marriage isnât for you.
Youâd be far better off just throwing a big ass party for yourself, just because (and no, I donât mean marry yourself; you are already âoneâ with you; no need for that), and call it a day. Spare yourself and another person the heartache of divorce becauseâŚdivorce is A LOT to go through.
Lawd, I can only imagine how much drama could be spared if folks simply took into their spirit that weddings ARE NOT marriages and marriages ARE NOT weddings. Weddings are a party to celebrate your union â yet your union? That requires daily energy, effort, and time. Itâs not a party. Itâs a relationship. BIG DIFFERENCE.
Please Donât Get Married Until Youâre Sure That You WantâŚBOTH
GiphyAnd this is why, whenever someone tells me that they are going to get married, I donât immediately respond with, âCongrats! Thatâs awesome.â NOPE. The very first thing that comes out of my mouth is something along the lines of, âFor real. Why?â WHY? Because, it never fails that, about 7.5 times outta 10, folks will be caught off guard and say, âWhat do you mean âwhyâ?â and then follow that up with, âBecause Iâm in loveâ orâŚthey donât really know what to say at all.
Is being in love a good answer? I mean, it explains why you picked the person that you did; it doesnât really explain why you are choosing to commit to them for the rest of your life, on a marital level, though. Are you getting married because you know that the two of you will make each other better people? Are you getting married because you want to raise your children in a two-parent dynamic? Are you getting married for biblical reasons like wanting to love like Christ loves his bride (the Church and the Church sent him through A LOT â Ephesians 5)?
Are you getting married because you think youâve gone as far as you can in your evolution as an individual without the assistance of another? Are you getting married because you want to serve another person as they do the same for you (perhaps not in the same ways because youâre both different people)?
Is that asking the most? Chile, thatâs not asking enough. I donât care how much people mock marriage in the media by changing partners like they change cars or homes. I donât care how much divorce has been normalized. I donât care how much folks like to act like a husband is a 2.0 boyfriend (itâs not) and having a wife is a 2.0 girlfriend (itâs not) â marriage is special, sacred, and needs to be honored as such. A wedding should be seen as a happy occasion where two people publicly acknowledge what I just saidâŚnot simply a time to get a lot of attention and presents only to come home and go from heaven to hell in six months.
And honestly, thatâs a bit part of the reason why I do what I do: itâs because I actually think the covenant of marriage is SO MAGNIFICENT that I want to make sure that people know, as much as possible, what they are signing up for â not an endless wedding; a very real relationship that will challenge them and mature them like nothing else ever will in this lifetime.
____
This was a lot. I already know. Still, it beats spending thousands of dollars on a wedding to stand before a chaplain only to spend thousands of more dollars several years later on a divorce lawyer and therapy while standing before a judge.
Weddings are awesome; youâll get no argument from me there. Still, I think if I was to narrow all of this down into one statement, it would simply be this: âWhen it comes to marriage, if the thought of being a wife doesnât excite you more than being a bride â wait. Youâre not ready yet.â
Thank me later, sis. YOU WILL.
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