These 12 Things Will Breathe New Life Into Your Bedroom This Year
If I’ve said it once, I promise that I’ve said it a billion times over at this point. After (officially) working with couples for almost 20 years, although I’ve just about heard it all, if one thing is steadily rising as the reason for why people are seriously dissatisfied in their relationship, BOREDOM is screaming loud and clear.
When you stop to really think about it, that makes sense since boring means things like “tedious repetition” and “weary sameness” — and when you apply that to sex? Eww…who wants that? Not one damn person on planet earth, chile.
So, since we’re right at the beginning of another new year, in the hopes that you can avoid that seven-letter word that can cause so many yawns and, if you’re not careful, also a lot of potential harm, here are 12 relatively simple ways that you and your partner can keep things fresh instead of boring in 2024.
1. Change Up Your Decor Themes Twice a Year
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I know it’s not just me who feels like hotel sex is automatically hotter than sex at home, more times than not. Aside from the fact that hotel beds are top-tier, another reason is that a change of scenery can do wonders when it comes to adding some spice to your relationship — especially if you’ve been with the same person for a while now.
It’s not just in our heads either. There’s actual research to support that being in new(er) environments activates the part of our brain that puts us in a better mood. That’s why, whenever married couples tell me that their sex life is in a bit of a rut, one of the first things that I’ll recommend is they switch up the décor of their bedroom. If you do this twice a year (a spring and summer theme followed by a fall and winter one), it can help you to feel more excited about going into your bedroom every night — and who knows what that could “trigger” in the best way possible?
2. Plan a Sexcation Twice a Year Too
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It really is kind of wild that, almost five years ago, I wrote “Married Couples, It's Time For A Sexcation!” for the site. I try to bring sexcations up as much as possible, yet if you’ve never heard of one before, it’s a vacation that only has sex in mind. See it as a honeymoon 2.0, if you will. That said, one of my favorite things about sexcations is you don’t need a ton of money to make them happen because this isn’t about embracing a new country or city — the only sightseeing you will be doing is when it comes to your partner’s body which means you can go to a hotel up the street and your goal will still be reached.
And just what makes a sexcation special? A lot of couples say that they’re not able to have a lot of “wall climbing sex” because life, well, LIFES, and that makes it super challenging. So, planning some time when nothing but sex is on the menu… helps them reignite the spark that may have died down a bit. Try and have one no less than twice a year. Four times? Even better.
3. Prioritize Morning Sex (at Least) Once a Week
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If you’re married and you wonder how much sex is “normal” for your kind of relationship, reportedly, 25 percent of people in your demographic copulate once a week and 16 percent 2-3 times a week. Interestingly enough, the happiest couples also have sex no less than once a week. That’s why, what I recommend to my clients is to prioritize no less than once a week, although two is ideal — because listen, if you can spend almost three hours a day on social media, you can figure out how to devote 30 minutes to intimacy with your partner (we make time for what matters to us; full stop). And one of those times? Make it morning sex.
Morning sex reduces stress. Morning sex improves your mood. There are even studies that say morning sex will give you better orgasms because certain sex hormones are at their peak during the a.m. hours. Not to mention that any kind of sex helps to bond you (further) to your partner.
So, if you’re not much of a morning person or you tend to get up on the wrong side of the bed more than you’d like, forget the coffee and get your partner to spend a few more moments with you. It’ll do your mind, body, and spirit far better than any java ever could!
4. Put "Sex Fish Bowls" on Your Nightstands
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What in the world is a “sex fish bowl”? It’s simply an empty fish bowl where you put your sexual wants, needs, and fantasies into. It’s also something that I incorporate with a lot of my clients when they want to take their sex life up a notch. I recommend that they each put a fish bowl on their nightstand and that they immediately fill the other person's with no more than 10 sexual requests.
Once a week, at some random time, they each get to say “Go fish” and pull something out. Then, they discuss what’s on the piece of paper and why it’s important to them to have it fulfilled. It opens up the lines of sexual communication, helps them to learn more about each other sexually, and it also helps to bring more “new energy” into their sexual space. I also suggest they throw in new pieces of paper as different ideas come to mind. Not one client has regretted “going fishing,” so try it. It might just be the “sex hack” you’ve been looking for all this time.
5. Keep Fresh Flowers in Your Space
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Sure, flowers are pretty to look at, but there are also studies to support the fact that their scent is good for your overall health and well-being; especially your emotional health. Lavender is calming. Rose is an aphrodisiac. Lilies can make you feel happier. Peonies reduce head tension. Jasmine is a sexy scent that can also put you into a meditative state. Not only that, but there’s even a Rutgers University study that says that men receiving flowers actually makes them feel happier and more open to interacting with women socially.
So, how can you not take all of this in and not see why it would be a wise move to put some fresh flowers somewhere in your bedroom on a weekly basis? It’s a simple thing that can make a pretty significant impact, if you ask me, chile.
6. Install Some Blackout Curtains
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Even though science says that the best time of day to have sex is within the first 45 minutes that you wake up (another “win” for morning sex), there are plenty of surveys out here that say, women, especially, prefer to have sex in the dark. Your first thought might be that it has something to do with body image issues — and for some, that would be correct. Others find that it’s easier to let their imagination run wild if they are not relying on their sense of sight. If you can relate to any of this, don’t rely on the moon to determine when you can get in it.
Because I work from home, I am good for taking a nap (if not a couple of ‘em based on how my client sessions went…SMDH) in the middle of the day. And it’s easy to do because I have blackout curtains in my bedroom. Invest in the right ones, and I promise you won’t know if it’s 7 a.m. or 7 p.m. Cop some and thank me later.
7. Buy Each Other Something Sexy Once a Month
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If you’ve been considering going into 2024 with a subscription box or some other type of service, I recently read it’s something that 33 percent of shoppers actually rely on. This means that they won’t be going away any time soon. So, if you want to add some extra…extra-ness to your bedroom, why not sign up for a sex-themed subscription service? Vice published an article this past September (here) that featured some popular sex toy subscriptions. Adore Me (here) has a lingerie subscription service that I can personally vouch for (as far as how cute a lot of their stuff is).
You can also put “lingerie subscription services” in the search field of your favorite search engine to see what other companies have to offer. Or, you can make it a point to buy or order something on the sex-related tip for your partner once a month on your own. It’ll get you all hot ‘n bothered to find something. It’ll get him all hot ‘n bothered to know something sexy is on the way (and vice versa).
8. Hold “Sex Meetings” OUTSIDE of the Bedroom
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Some of y’all love to treat your bedroom like an office or conference room. What in the world? Like, I don’t get why you would find the same space where you argue, talk about money, and debate about your in-laws to be very sexy. That’s why I am a firm believer that you should only use that space for sex and sleep. I’m actually gonna expound on that more at the end of this.
For now, let me just say that a lot of people are sexually dissatisfied (one report said that as much as 50 percent of young women are), and while there are several layers as to why that is probably the case, at the risk of y’all taking this the nasty way…closed mouths don’t get fed. In other words, if you’re not speaking up and articulating your needs (or that your needs have changed — check out “How To Get More Of What You Need In The Bedroom”), how do you expect them to get met? Contrary to whatever rom-coms may tell you, no one is a mind-reader.
My suggestion? Hold sex meetings once a month. Not in your bedroom either. Send a text to your man that you want to have a sex talk, have a sexy dinner (takeout with candles is fine) with him, and discuss what you thoroughly enjoy about sex with him, what you currently need more of, and then give him the floor to do the same. It’s important to always remember that sex is the ultimate form of communication — however, if you think that you and your partner can figure out how to master physical pleasure without any form of verbal discussion? Like Vanessa Williams’s character said in that Tyler Perry movie that she was in, “Good luck with your struggle.” Real talk.
9. Commit to Some Sexual Reflexology
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If you’re not a “foot person,” this might be one that you’ll pass on. On the other hand, if you’re like me and feet don’t phase you one way or another, or if you’re like a guy I knew in college who had a bona fide foot fetish, this might especially pique your interest. Sexual reflexology is the practice of touching specific pressure points (mostly feet, hands, and ears) that will help to arouse you and your partner’s genital regions. On the surface, it might sound like a regular erotic massage (check out “You And Your Partner Should Definitely Be Giving Each Other 'Sex Massages'”); however, it’s not because it’s the specific areas — again, feet, hands, and ears — that need to be the focal point as far as applying pressure goes.
Anyway, if this interests you, MindBodyGreen has some tips that can get you started via their article, “How Foot Reflexology Can Help You Have Great Sex (Yes, Really).” As a bonus, reflexology is very soothing and relaxing. It’s a form of “sex pamper play,” if you will.
10. Try a New Sex Position a Month
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If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. While I get the overall point, anything in excess can backfire. And when it comes to that particular frame of mind, doing the same ole’, same ole’ just because it “works”? That can cause you to become pretty lazy if you’re not careful. And when it comes to sex, specifically, a lazy partner and/or experience can get pretty old after a while.
One thing that can get you a leg up from this ever happening is if you and your partner are intentional about learning/trying (at least) one new sex position a month. He can bring six to the table, and you can do the same. You might be surprised by how a simple turn of a leg or a different angle of your pelvis can introduce you to a level of intensity that “what ain’t broke” never would’ve gotten you to. To get you started off, a site called Royal Intimacy has 100 positions (including illustrations) that you can check out here. Enjoy!
11. Have “Naked Dates”
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Something that just might be your “something new” for today is the word gymnophobia. It’s a person who has a phobia when it comes to nudity. And while this may not be an issue in your home, if you or your partner barely ever see each other naked (hell, even during sex because it’s always in the dark), I’m gonna strongly encourage you to have more naked dates in the new year. Have an at-home movie night — naked. Share a pint of ice cream together — naked. Play a board game together — naked.
Even though you’ve probably heard how you and your vagina can benefit from sleeping without any clothes on, there’s also research that says being naked, period, can improve your body image, make you happier and, yes, build more intimacy and trust with your partner. A naked date is inexpensive and hella sexy. How can you not be sold on that?
12. Finally Use Your Bedroom for What It’s for: Sex and Sleep ONLY
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This is gonna be a full circle moment because you know how I said at the top of this that hotels are great for sex? Another reason is because who goes on a vacation with the agenda of doing work? You know you want to relax, and so you take that frame of mind into the room. Your bedroom needs to be treated in a similar fashion because, if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a trillion times that interior designers say that bedrooms should ONLY be for sex and sleep. This means no laptops to finish up projects. This means no scrolling IG and TikTok for hours on end. If you can get that television up outta there, do that too. There really needs to be a place in your world that looks and feels like it is an oasis, a sanctuary and den of intimacy for you, your partner, and no one or nothing else.
So, as we close out one year and prepare to enter into another, breathe new life into your bedroom by not turning it into a multipurpose room. SEX AND SLEEP ONLY. Watch how it changes intimacy for the better. I can almost promise you that. #wink
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Featured image by Giphy
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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You've Never Seen Luke James In A Role Quite Like This
Over the years, we've watched Luke James play countless characters we'd deem sex symbols, movie stars, and even his complicated character in Lena Waithe's The Chi. For the first time in his career, the New Orleans-born actor has taken on a role where his signature good looks take a backseat as he transforms into Edmund in Them: The Scare—a mentally deranged character in the second installment of the horror anthology series that you won't be able to take your eyes off.
Trust us, Edmund will literally make you do a double take.
xoNecole sat down with Luke James to talk about his latest series and all the complexity surrounding it—from the challenges taking on this out-of-the-box role to the show's depiction of the perplexing history of the relationship between Black Americans and police. When describing the opportunity to bring Edmund's character to life, Luke was overjoyed to show the audience yet another level of his masterful acting talents.
"It was like bathing in the sun," he said. "I was like, thank you! Another opportunity for me to be great—for me to expand my territory. I'm just elated to be a part of it and to see myself in a different light, something I didn't think I could do." He continued, "There are parts of you that says, 'Go for it because this is what you do.' But then also that's why it's a challenge because you're like, 'um, I don't know if I'm as free as I need to be to be able to do this.' Little Marvin just created such a safe space for me to be able to do this, and I'm grateful for everything I've been able to do to lead to this."
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Them: The Scare, like the first season, shines a light on the plight of Black Americans in the United States. This time, the story is taking place in the 1990s, at the height of the Rodney King riots in Los Angeles. While the series presents many underlying themes, one that stands out is Black people and the complicated relationship with the police. "For the audience, I think it sets the tone for the era that we're in and the amount of chaos that's in the air in Los Angeles and around the country from this heinous incident. And I say it just sets the tone of the anxiety and anxiousness that everybody is feeling in their own households."
James has been a longtime advocate against police brutality himself. He has even featured Elijah McClain, the 23-year-old Colorado man who died after being forcibly detained by officers, as his Instagram avatar for the past five years. So, as you can imagine, this script was close to his heart. "Elijah was a soft-loving oddball. Different than anyone but loving and a musical genius. He was just open and wanted to be loved and seen."
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Luke continued, "His life was taken from him. I resonate with his spirit and his words...through all the struggle and the pain he still found it in him to say, 'I love you and I forgive you.' And that's who we are as people—to our own detriment sometimes. He's someone I don't want people to forget. I have yet to remove his face from my world because I have yet to let go of his voice, let go of that being [because] there's so many people we have lost in our history that so often get forgotten."
He concluded, "I think that's the importance of such artwork that moves us to think and talk about it. Yes, it's entertaining. We get to come together and be spooked together. But then we come together and we think, 'Damn, Edmund needed someone to talk to. Edmund needed help... a lot [of] things could have been different. Edmund could have been saved.'
Check out the full interview below.
Luke James Talks Ditching Sex Symbol Status For "Them: The Scare", Elijah McClain, & Morewww.youtube.com
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