How To Get More Of What You Need In The Bedroom
Sexual needs. Lawd, they are so real, y'all. This is something that I try and get through to the head of some of the clients that I work with — that when it comes to sexual activity, there are some things that each and every one of us deem to be necessary, an urgent want or something that's essential when it comes to experiencing true pleasure. And when those needs aren't met? Boy, that can lead to all kinds of sex-related issues including a disconnect between partners, less sexual frequency or even resentment over time.
Hopefully, you're getting all of your current sexual needs met. But if you happen to be someone who is out here feeling some type of way because you and your partner are not getting more of what you and/or they desire, I've got seven things that many people have told me they wish they received more of in the sex department, along with some insight on how to get these particular kinds of needs met.
Romance
Whenever I'm talking to married couples about what they wish they received more of, as far as bedroom action is concerned, it never fails that wives will usually say "romance" while husbands typically say "spontaneity". As far as what's behind Door #2 goes, I'll get more into that in a sec. For now, I'll touch on romance. Personally, I think it's so important when it comes to sexual activity that I wrote "What Does It Truly Mean When Someone's 'Romantic'?" and "Tonight's The Night For A Really Romantic Sexual Experience" for the site. One of the main things to keep in mind about romance is the fact that it needs to happen way before even stepping one foot into your boudoir. You know, I've been working with couples for many years now and I find it to be no surprise that a lot of people whose sex lives are ho-hum and subpar are also people who don't spend a lot of quality time together — going on dates (including sex dates), taking weekend road trips, going for walks after dinner, cooking together, dancing to their favorite R&B jams in the living room…you catch my drift.
If you wish you could get more scented soy candles on your nightstand and rose petals on your bed, start with getting together with your partner to plan some dates together, even if you've got to get super creative and have them at home (check out "10 Romantic Dates You Can Go On (In Your Own Home)"). The more thoughtful and attentive the two of you are outside of your bedroom, the easier it will be to act that way inside of it.
Spontaneity
I'm working with three couples right now where the husbands are pretty close to being pissed and shutting all the way down. Why? Well, when they were dating their wife, sex was random, fun and it happened all of the time. This was pretty much the case during the first year of their marriage as well. Yet as time has gone by, morning sex a few times a week has now become sex twice a month — and that's if they are lucky. Oh, but not right now. Now it's like their wives wanna screw like rabbits. Why? Because they are trying to conceive a child. Getting pregnant, each husband is fine with. What's got them triggered to high hell is the fact that if these women can muster up all of this sexual adrenaline to get pregnant, why can't they do that just to enjoy being with their partner?
These men have a point. Besides, sex shouldn't be treated as a "means to an end". When you're married, it first needs to be honored as a priority and staple in your relationship (because if there is one thing that should separate everyone else from you and your spouse, it's that you have sex with your husband), along with being a very intimate way to get closer to your partner — to bond with them on spiritual, emotional and physical level. And while there are times when life may require that you schedule it in order to make it happen, there still needs some spontaneity up in that mug too. Again, I didn't say it — most of the men I know, married and single, say it, on loop, all of the time.
And why is spontaneity such a big deal? It's impulsive. It's passionate. By definition, it doesn't require a ton of effort or premeditation. Some synonyms for the word include simple (dig that!), automatic, free-spirited, unavoidable, uncontrived, off-the-cuff, and inevitable (dig that one too!).
Being spontaneous is meeting your partner at the door, butt-ass naked. Being spontaneous is joining your partner in the shower while they are in it. Being spontaneous is sending random texts about all of the things on your sex bucket list that you want to check off over the next couple of weeks. Being spontaneous is walking into his office and engaging in some oral action, regardless of what he's doing. Being spontaneous is letting him know, out of the blue, that you want to make the kind of movie that only the two of you can watch together.
It's kind of crazy that if spontaneity is the main thing that you and/or yours are missing, it's important to talk about it first. However, if you remember the synonyms "simple" and "inevitable" while you're having the discussion of how to bring more into the sexual part of your relationship, it really can remind you both to come up with ways to make each other feel desirable…just because…with absolutely no agenda other than cultivating pure pleasure on a dime.
Seduction
Ah. The art of seduction. If anyone is bored when it comes to their sex life (check out "7 Signs You're In A 'Sex Rut' & How To Get Out Of It"), I'd venture to say that a lack of seducing and/or being seduced is playing a major role in it all. Shoot, I'll take it even further and say that some people aren't getting what they need in this area because it's been so long since it's happened that they have lost sight of what seduction even entails.
Flirting is an act of seduction. Dressing seductively on dates is an act of seduction. Wearing lingerie is an act of seduction. Extending foreplay (including mental foreplay; check out "Mental Foreplay Hacks That Ultimately Takes Intercourse To New Levels") is an act of seduction. Taking off each other's clothes, ever-so-slowly, before sex is an act of seduction. Bringing in sex condiments (check out "12 'Sex Condiments' That Can Make Coitus Even More...Delicious") is an act of seduction. Doing anything with the intent of enticing your partner to lust you? That is what it means to seduce him.
Unlike spontaneity, seduction is something that is extremely premeditated. You've got to think about what kind of scent he adores on you and where he likes you to put it most (check out "8 Natural Aphrodisiac Scents, Where They Go & How To Make Them Last"). You've got to ponder whether you should go out with him with a lace thong or with no panties at all. You've got to really reflect on what kind of atmosphere to create that will make him want to climb the walls. That's the cool thing about seduction, though — the more thought you put into being the ultimate seductress, the more excited you will probably get about the day or night that lies ahead.
Affirmation
I am a words of affirmation kind of gal. I'm pretty sure that's a big part of the reason why I'm also such a fan of dirty talk — and indeed, like other sexual activities, it is a skill; it's not something that comes automatically or easily for everyone. OK, but I'm getting a little bit ahead of myself here. Let's first touch on why affirming your partner is such an important thing to do. While actions are definitely important, words are too. When you affirm someone, you're letting them know that you see them, that you value them and that you appreciate having them in your life. Affirming someone can help to boost their self-esteem, to make them feel closer to and safer around you and it can remind them of why you chose to be with them in the first place.
While it's not discussed, nearly enough, dirty talk can definitely be a form of verbally affirming your partner because when you're telling them what you're physically attracted to, what you enjoy about the act itself and what they can do to get you to get there — it's like participating in a sex-themed pep rally of sorts. Besides, the best kind of sex incorporates all five senses (sight, smell, touch, taste and hearing) and when you are telling your partner what you adore about them and what pleases you most about sex, in your absolutely sexiest voice, how can that not inspire them to give you more of what you need and want? Exactly.
Oral Action
There are a few people in my world who have pretty high sex drives and yet, at the same time, they aren't big on kissing (check out "Umm, What's Up With These People Who Hate Kissing?") and/or giving (or sometimes even receiving) oral sex ("Sooo...What If You HATE Oral?"). While I personally can't relate to either stance (chile), if you happen to be someone who falls into either category, something that can help in the oral sex department is flavored lubrication. Hey, I'm not playing. These days, there are all sorts of brands that taste so good that it can make going down or being gone down on a lot more pleasant if you or yours happen to be someone who is hesitant because it's just not something that you can wrap your head around (no pun).
Also, if you happen to be someone who is self-conscious about if you're doing it well or not, well, I'll put it to you this way — you're probably gonna lick an ice cream cone way better than an empty spoon. In other words, sweet skin is gonna make you way more enthusiastic and passionate than plain skin will. Feel me? Anyway, as far as letting-lube-lead-the-way goes, check out "The Wetter, The Better: 10 Creative Ways To Use Lubricant". It's a little hack that really can make a huge difference. HUGE.
Pampering
Is it just me or does it seem like pampering and sex don't go hand in hand as much as they should? When I think of "treating with extreme care" in the context of coitus, to be honest with you, what comes to my mind is more afterplay (check out "Sure, Your Foreplay Game Is On Point. Now What About The 'Afterplay'?") than anything else because, if we're gonna be real, it's a lot easier to want to act "excessively indulgent" towards your partner when you're trying to get some. Oh, but it's next level to do it after you've already "been to the mountaintop" and nothing sounds more appealing than a nap.
So, how can you and your partner sexually pamper one another after sex? A massage. Soaking in the tub together. Giving each other a handwritten note or card that you had prepared beforehand. Feeding each other aphrodisiacs like strawberries, chocolate, and watermelon. Surprising each other with "favorite thing" tokens.
Basically, by making sure that the "end" is just as sweet, special, and satisfying as the beginning, that can make each sexual experience that much more endearing and memorable. It can also make both of you really excited about being with one another again…very, very soon.
Pillow Talk
I've shared before that if you've got a man who happens to fall asleep right after sex, you really shouldn't get mad at him; that's how he was created. There is a biochemical called prolactin that's released when men ejaculate that typically results in them feeling drained and tired. Not much can be done about that. However, what I will say is a lot of the guys who I've discussed this with have told me that falling asleep is a lot easier to do when their partner decides that she now wants to talk about where the relationship is headed, what bill needs to be paid or what chore needs to be done around the house.
In other words, guys are already tapped out after sex and so, a boring or emotionally draining conversation definitely doesn't inspire them to want to keep their eyes open. So, if more pillow talk is what you're after, try and keep the topics light, crack jokes or ask if he's down to watch something fun on the tube. While there is a time and place for "deep" pillow talk, right after sex usually isn't one of them. However, if you relax and try and stay in the flow of the moment, many men are down to spoon and chat for a while. Hell, 5-7 minutes, at least. #wink
For more love and relationships, features, dating tips and tricks, and marriage advice, check out xoNecole's Sex & Love section here.
Featured image by Giphy
- 7 Signs You're A Total Control Freak. In Bed. ›
- Yes, Consent Is Needed At Every Step Of Intimacy. - xoNecole ... ›
- Got A Selfish Lover? This Is What You Should Do About It. ›
- If Your Husband's The One With The Lower Libido, Do This ... ›
- Is Closure Sex Good? Should I Have Sex With My Ex? - xoNecole ... ›
- Signs You Have Emotional Connection During Sex - xoNecole ... ›
- What If Your Partner Is More "Sexually Conservative" Than You Are ... ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
Mavocado/ Getty Images
According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by fizkes/ Getty Images