When Do You Spice Things Up In The Bedroom? 6 ‘Insecure’ Fans Sound Off
This week's episode of Insecure gave us all the Memorial Day weekend feels with Molly and Andrew's tropical baecation. It was just the boost we needed after Issa's failed attempts at "getting over" their friend fight that left off with her walking away from a Molly confrontation.
But back to Sunday's episode, "Lowkey Trippin'" that gave us palm trees, mile-high club, bikinis, balcony sex, umbrella drinks, a 50 Shades-level bedroom scene (Thank you, HBO) and made me miss catching flights and feelings.
Here's what you need to know…
After a week-long wait, we finally got Molly's POV who seemed to be "getting over" the friend fight a bit better than Issa because, hello, baecation. Things got HOT between Molly and Andrew in Mexico, like sex-toys-and-tossing-the-salad HOT. Their bedroom playtime got off to an awkward start since Molly and Andrew had very different ideas of how to spice things up. Eventually, though they got on the same page.
☠️ https://t.co/BxzfwPWELC
— Issa Rae (@IssaRae) May 25, 2020
When discussing these sexy scenes with my friends, the overall consensus was that communication is key. Andrew and Molly clearly had very different ideas what "spicing things up" meant. Although short-lived, the awkwardness could have been completely avoided with a quick convo. I know I'd want to be warned if my travel buddy was walking around with a secret sex arsenal that included butt stuff and handcuffs before we get to the bedroom. I'm all for spontaneity, but not when it comes to butt stuff. Let's have a conversation. As for a time frame, I don't do anything by a specific schedule. If it feels, it feels right.
But that's just me and everyone approaches butt stuff and other kinks on their own terms. So, I asked Insecure fans this:
At what point in a relationship do you spice things up in the bedroom? How do you do it?
Communicate. Communicate. Communicate.
"I think when it comes to 'spicing things up', you have to first communicate if there is anything that is lacking or if both parties' needs are being met. Especially if the relationship is new, why isn't it exciting anymore? After that, I think it's fair game to introduce toys that will add to the experience. It's all about what people are comfortable with." –Sherryll Morton
Keep The Toys Charged For Go Time
"Well, I think there should always be a healthy dialogue about each other's sexual desires. After years of being with the same woman you got to be honest in what you want. The things you watch in private, the thoughts etc. Try to recreate them. There is no specific time where it should be spiced up.
"However, places out of the norm usually gives a thrilling sensation. Why do the same things over and over?
"The bedroom is always going to be there but how often are you on a boat ride, or in a crowded store or in another country with a background only seen in screen savers? Tie me up, spank her, make sure the toys are charged and blow her back out." –James Cameau, Patient Advocate
Have The Sex Conversation BEFORE Sex
"Oh boy, oh boy! You should always be spicy in the bedroom. I think we should be having the sex conversation BEFORE we have sex. Talking about the things we like sexually allows us to decide what's too much for us or what piques our interest.
"In the past I've simply bought toys or games to enhance the sexual experience between me and my partner. It could be something as simple as warming lubricant oil or something more kinky like rope. Either way you have to create a safe space for your partner, set a sexy mood and create a stimulating experience. Get some sex dice, light some candles, roll and go." –AmiyahDeziire, Author, Midnight Confessions
Keep It Spicy From Day One
"From day one, gotta keep 'em guessing. If you start doing extra shit later you're admitting that the relationship has gone stale and need to be shook up. You can't fix it when the thrill is gone." –Michael Gordon, Freelance Videographer
Don’t Wait For Things To Get Stale
"I don't think there is a specific time frame or a certain relationship level. I think that if you are comfortable with the person that you are with, there's always room to try new things.
"There's always this 'Oh, I'm not doing that until I'm married' or 'That's reserved for my man'. When having a deep sexual connection with someone (no matter their title), there's nothing but space and opportunity.
"But if we are speaking in terms of a relationship, I think that you should always feel free to try new things. Don't wait for things to get stale." –Ashlee Graham, Senior Producer, BET Digital
Don't Be Scurred
"This episode was very interesting, yes, but not as kinky as the writers were making it seem. From my point of view, I would say that those items that Andrew had with him on the trip with Molly are definitely the basics and a necessity for sure in any bedroom. That's just me, of course, everyone has different styles, but I like the direction Andrew was headed in [laughs].
"If I had to put a time stamp on when to introduce my style and kink level, I would have to say in the first three months for sure. Again, that's just me. It may sound too fast to some, but I think it's more so about not wasting time and being progressive. It's based on the person you're with, yes, and once y'all reach that point where sex is involved, soon after the talk about preferences can be introduced. Why wait? I think being pleased is the main goal, and what better way to get more satisfied than expressing what you like and don't like with your person. Don't be scared. Tell them what you want and save yourself wasted time with the same old routine." –Sgt. Simone Victor,U.S. Army
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Featured image by Insecure/HBO
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Jazmine A. Ortiz is a creative born and raised in Bushwick, Brooklyn and currently living in Staten Island, NY. She started in the entertainment industry in 2012 and now works as a Lifestyle Editor where she explores everything from mental health to vegan foodie trends. For more on what she's doing in the digital space follow her on Instagram at @liddle_bitt.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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