Are You A Good Sexual Communicator? You Sure?

"No relationship can prosper without proper communication. And you can't be the only one communicating."—Unknown


You know what's a trip? A lot of relationships would run just fine if both individuals were focused on becoming better communicators. Communication is about expressing your thoughts and feelings. Communication is about imparting knowledge. Communication is about speaking in a way that cultivates a true connection.

Today, what we're gonna tackle is, how to know if you're an effective sexual communicator. This is super important because, just like relationships on the emotional tip can be spared when people connect well, a lot of sexual dynamics can significantly improve when clear and concise sexual connecting happens, even outside of the bedroom. And just how can you know that you (and your partner) are master sexual communicators? Let's dig in and see.

What Does It Mean to Be an Effective Communicator Overall?


If someone were to ask me to define good sex in 10 words or less, something that I'd probably say is, "Good sex is the result of two great communicators." Yet before I get into what it means to be a good sexual communicator, how about we touch on some things that makes someone a good communicator overall.

Good communicators:

  • Listen thoroughly
  • Think before responding to something that was said
  • Are thoughtful yet direct in conveying their thoughts
  • Are conscious of timing when it comes to their approach
  • Takes responsibility for their own thoughts, feelings and delivery
  • Are tone-sensitive
  • Are not afraid to ask questions in order to get clarity
  • Make no assumptions or rash judgments
  • Are open to other insights and perspectives
  • Know that body language is essential

OK. So, now that I've shared some telling signs of whether someone is a good communicator or not (which as you can see, is a pretty tall order), first ask yourself how well you and yours are, in general, when it comes to communicating with one another. Now, let's take a moment to look at how this all translates into sexual intimacy.

Do You Clearly Convey Your Sexual Wants and Needs?


I've got a dozen-times-10 reasons why I'm not a fan of faking orgasms. One of the reasons is because, if you're constantly acting like you are sexually satisfied and fulfilled, why would your partner do anything different and why should he be blamed for not doing so? The entire point of communication is to connect with someone so that both individuals can feel heard and validated. If there is one place where this is of the utmost importance, it's when it comes to copulation. So yeah, if you're an individual who is a good sexual communicator, a clear indication of that is you have no problem stating what your sexual wants and needs are.

Before going any further, let me shed a bit more light on this particular point. First, stating your needs is not about making demands. Barking orders isn't good communication; it's actually rude AF. What I mean is you're not about mincing words, constantly dropping hints or being passive aggressive. If you like foreplay to last longer than a couple of minutes, you say that. If doggy style is your least favorite sexual position, you are fine with bringing that up too.

My second point is there is a bit of a difference between sexual wants vs. sexual needs. A want could be to have sex in public. Your partner may never want to do that, so while that reality might slightly suck, it's probably not a real deal-breaker. On the other hand, cunnilingus may be a need because maybe it's the only way that you're able to climax. Knowing the difference between what your wants and needs are and then being able to explain them both, without hesitation or embarrassment to your partner, is definitely a sign that you are a good sexual communicator.

Do You Ask Your Partner How You Can Please Them?


If there are three times when I think a lot of women could stand to realize that they are more selfish than they probably want to accept it's 1) when it comes to only focusing on what their boo should do for them on Valentine's Day; 2) wedding planning, as if there is not a whole 'nother individual involved; and 3) taking the time to make sure that they know what their partner's wants and needs are in the bedroom rather than merely assuming that they already know. Listen, I work with a lot of couples where the wife has gotten so arrogant that she assumes that all her husband needs is for her to be naked and ready. If that's not enough for us, why should we think that is enough for the man in our life?

It can't be said enough that communicating is about making a connection and the best kind of sexual connection is when both partners are deeply engrossed in making sure that the other is pleased to the utmost. If you can't recall the last time you asked your man what he desired in order to feel sexually gratified, there is a breakdown in communication somewhere. Besides, men fake it too. If you just read that and Kanye shrugged, that's another red flag on the sexual communication tip. The communication tip overall, actually.

Do You Know the Difference Between Sex and Intimacy?


Not all sex is intimate. And that really can't be said enough. I mean, dogs have sex and it's not exactly intimate; they do it because they're in heat. You can hire someone to have sex with you who you've never seen a day in your life and will never see following the moment. There's nothing intimate about that either.

Intimacy is about having a warm and personal relationship with someone. Intimacy is about a mutual trust being established. Intimacy is about two people who care for each other on a very real and profound level. Intimacy is about reciprocity and a form of interdependence. Intimacy is about knowing someone while you feel known by them. A good sexual communicator is just as interested in cultivating intimacy as they are in sexual pleasure.

Different people have different opinions (and convictions) on what this kind of intimacy should consist of. Some would say marriage. Others would say a long-term relationship. Others would say a mutual understanding of some sort. Some don't think intimacy is necessary at all. What I will say about all of this is 1) not too many people, male or female, would disagree with the perspective that sex is better when intimacy is involved and 2) just make sure that you know the difference between sex and intimacy before having sex. Many people have had all kinds of things lost in translation because they assumed that since they had sex with someone, some sort of intimacy took place. Yes, oxytocin (a hormone that physically bonds two people) was triggered. However, as far as a mental and emotional bond goes—don't be so sure. You can only be confident if it was…communicated.

Do You Understand That Men and Women Are Different? By Design?


Genesis 1:26-28 tells us that God made us male and female. God made us that way. A female child is born with XX chromosomes and a male one comes with XY. Women have more estrogen. Men have more testosterone. Women have vaginas. Men have penises. Lord knows that I could go on and on but where I am ultimately going with this is men and women are different—by design. Whew, I can't tell you how many times that I have sat in a counseling session and looked at a wife and was like, "Did you just want to marry yourself but with a penis?" There are so many "issues" in male/female relationships that wouldn't have to be that way if both genders simply accepted that they are not meant to be twins; that the differences are supposed to bring about a balance.

A good example is the fact that a lot of men typically have a high sex drive. It's not because they are "sex freaks"; a big part of it is because of all of the testosterone in their system. Sometimes what I share with wives in sessions is it's interesting that many women want men to be the providers in relationships and yet, once their man initiates sex often, all of a sudden there's a problem. Your man providing you with sex—hopefully good sex—means that he's providing you with sperm/semen. If you check out "Do You Swallow? The Unexpected Health Benefits Of Sperm", you'll be able to see how that can be a real blessing in an abundant of ways, chile. So yeah, another point that can't be overlooked when it comes to being a good sexual communicator is the fact that you bring some specific things to the table as a woman and your partner does the same—only, as a man. Some things aren't going to be alike. And that's OK. That's how it's supposed to be.

How Are You with Non-Verbal Sexual Communication?


Author Peter Drucker once said, "The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said." There are many things that comprise of sex being totally off the chain. One of them is being able to decipher non-verbal communication. Can you tell when your partner is horny? Do you know their erogenous zones without them spelling it out for you? During sex, are you able to tell what's working and what isn't? Something that I've asked many men before is if they're sure they know the difference between a genuine and a fake orgasm (because if a man is really paying attention, he should be able to tell). By the same token, can you tell when your partner is fully into it or simply pacifying you? While being able to speak openly and honestly about sex is good, right and healthy, you also need to be able to pick up on non-verbal sex cues because, just like 80 percent of all communication is non-verbal, at the end of the day, a whole lot of good sexual communication is non-verbal too.

Are You Comfortable with Initiating Sexual Conversations?


A couple of years ago, I wrote "9 Sex-Related Questions You & Your Partner Should Ask Each Other. Tonight." for this platform. Once you're done reading this, I would encourage you to check it out and to also shoot it over to your partner. Remember how at the top of this piece, I shared that good communication consists of timing and asking questions in order to gain clarity? Something else that good sexual communicators are able to do is figure out when the most ideal moment is to talk about all of this (usually it's NOT during sex; that can make your partner uncomfortable or self-conscious) and then to ask questions to get the insight that is necessary. Not only being intentional about having sexual conversations as a way to convey that your sex life is a priority to you, it can also cause both of you to feel safer and more at ease.

Sometimes, couples will tell me that their sex life sucks. Then, after having a conversation like this, they realize that the act isn't the problem—lack of communication is. If your boudoir is not as stellar as you would like right through here, perhaps you are in the same boat. Communicate with your partner. Let them do the same. It might be a very simple way to get (back) to climbing the walls, sis. For real, for real.

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ACLU By ACLUSponsored

Over the past four years, we grew accustomed to a regular barrage of blatant, segregationist-style racism from the White House. Donald Trump tweeted that “the Squad," four Democratic Congresswomen who are Black, Latinx, and South Asian, should “go back" to the “corrupt" countries they came from; that same year, he called Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas," mocking her belief that she might be descended from Native American ancestors.

But as outrageous as the racist comments Trump regularly spewed were, the racially unjust governmental actions his administration took and, in the case of COVID-19, didn't take, impacted millions more — especially Black and Brown people.

To begin to heal and move toward real racial justice, we must address not only the harms of the past four years, but also the harms tracing back to this country's origins. Racism has played an active role in the creation of our systems of education, health care, ownership, and employment, and virtually every other facet of life since this nation's founding.

Our history has shown us that it's not enough to take racist policies off the books if we are going to achieve true justice. Those past policies have structured our society and created deeply-rooted patterns and practices that can only be disrupted and reformed with new policies of similar strength and efficacy. In short, a systemic problem requires a systemic solution. To combat systemic racism, we must pursue systemic equality.

What is Systemic Racism?

A system is a collection of elements that are organized for a common purpose. Racism in America is a system that combines economic, political, and social components. That system specifically disempowers and disenfranchises Black people, while maintaining and expanding implicit and explicit advantages for white people, leading to better opportunities in jobs, education, and housing, and discrimination in the criminal legal system. For example, the country's voting systems empower white voters at the expense of voters of color, resulting in an unequal system of governance in which those communities have little voice and representation, even in policies that directly impact them.

Systemic Equality is a Systemic Solution

In the years ahead, the ACLU will pursue administrative and legislative campaigns targeting the Biden-Harris administration and Congress. We will leverage legal advocacy to dismantle systemic barriers, and will work with our affiliates to change policies nearer to the communities most harmed by these legacies. The goal is to build a nation where every person can achieve their highest potential, unhampered by structural and institutional racism.

To begin, in 2021, we believe the Biden administration and Congress should take the following crucial steps to advance systemic equality:

Voting Rights

The administration must issue an executive order creating a Justice Department lead staff position on voting rights violations in every U.S. Attorney office. We are seeing a flood of unlawful restrictions on voting across the country, and at every level of state and local government. This nationwide problem requires nationwide investigatory and enforcement resources. Even if it requires new training and approval protocols, a new voting rights enforcement program with the participation of all 93 U.S. Attorney offices is the best way to help ensure nationwide enforcement of voting rights laws.

These assistant U.S. attorneys should begin by ensuring that every American in the custody of the Bureau of Prisons who is eligible to vote can vote, and monitor the Census and redistricting process to fight the dilution of voting power in communities of color.

We are also calling on Congress to pass the John Lewis Voting Rights Advancement Act to finally create a fair and equal national voting system, the cause for which John Lewis devoted his life.

Student Debt

Black borrowers pay more than other students for the same degrees, and graduate with an average of $7,400 more in debt than their white peers. In the years following graduation, the debt gap more than triples. Nearly half of Black borrowers will default within 12 years. In other words, for Black Americans, the American dream costs more. Last week, Majority Leader Chuck Schumer and Sen. Elizabeth Warren, along with House Reps. Ayanna Pressley, Maxine Waters, and others, called on President Biden to cancel up to $50,000 in federal student loan debt per borrower.

We couldn't agree more. By forgiving $50,000 of student debt, President Biden can unleash pent up economic potential in Black communities, while relieving them of a burden that forestalls so many hopes and dreams. Black women in particular will benefit from this executive action, as they are proportionately the most indebted group of all Americans.

Postal Banking

In both low and high income majority-Black communities, traditional bank branches are 50 percent more likely to close than in white communities. The result is that nearly 50 percent of Black Americans are unbanked or underbanked, and many pay more than $2,000 in fees associated with subprime financial institutions. Over their lifetime, those fees can add up to as much as two years of annual income for the average Black family.

The U.S. Postal Service can and should meet this crisis by providing competitive, low-cost financial services to help advance economic equality. We call on President Biden to appoint new members to the Postal Board of Governors so that the Post Office can do the work of providing essential services to every American.

Fair Housing

Across the country, millions of people are living in communities of concentrated poverty, including 26 percent of all Black children. The Biden administration should again implement the 2015 Affirmatively Furthering Fair Housing rule, which required localities that receive federal funds for housing to investigate and address barriers to fair housing and patterns or practices that promote bias. In 1980, the average Black person lived in a neighborhood that was 62 percent Black and 31 percent white. By 2010, the average Black person's neighborhood was 48 percent Black and 34 percent white. Reinstating the Obama-era Fair Housing Rule will combat this ongoing segregation and set us on a path to true integration.

Congress should also pass the American Housing and Economic Mobility Act, or a similar measure, to finally redress the legacy of redlining and break down the walls of segregation once and for all.

Broadband Access

To realize broadband's potential to benefit our democracy and connect us to one another, all people in the United States must have equal access and broadband must be made affordable for the most vulnerable. Yet today, 15 percent of American households with school-age children do not have subscriptions to any form of broadband, including one-quarter of Black households (an additional 23 percent of African Americans are “smartphone-only" internet users, meaning they lack traditional home broadband service but do own a smartphone, which is insufficient to attend class, do homework, or apply for a job). The Biden administration, Federal Communications Commission, and Congress must develop and implement plans to increase funding for broadband to expand universal access.

Enhanced, Refundable Child Tax Credits

The United States faces a crisis of child poverty. Seventeen percent of all American children are impoverished — a rate higher than not just peer nations like Canada and the U.K., but Mexico and Russia as well. Currently, more than 50 percent of Black and Latinx children in the U.S. do not qualify for the full benefit, compared to 23 percent of white children, and nearly one in five Black children do not receive any credit at all.

To combat this crisis, President Biden and Congress should enhance the child tax credit and make it fully refundable. If we enhance the child tax credit, we can cut child poverty by 40 percent and instantly lift over 50 percent of Black children out of poverty.


We cannot repair harms that we have not fully diagnosed. We must commit to a thorough examination of the impact of the legacy of chattel slavery on racial inequality today. In 2021, Congress must pass H.R. 40, which would establish a commission to study reparations and make recommendations for Black Americans.

The Long View

For the past century, the ACLU has fought for racial justice in legislatures and in courts, including through several landmark Supreme Court cases. While the court has not always ruled in favor of racial justice, incremental wins throughout history have helped to chip away at different forms of racism such as school segregation ( Brown v. Board), racial bias in the criminal legal system (Powell v. Alabama, i.e. the Scottsboro Boys), and marriage inequality (Loving v. Virginia). While these landmark victories initiated necessary reforms, they were only a starting point.

Systemic racism continues to pervade the lives of Black people through voter suppression, lack of financial services, housing discrimination, and other areas. More than anything, doing this work has taught the ACLU that we must fight on every front in order to overcome our country's legacies of racism. That is what our Systemic Equality agenda is all about.

In the weeks ahead, we will both expand on our views of why these campaigns are crucial to systemic equality and signal the path this country must take. We will also dive into our work to build organizing, advocacy, and legal power in the South — a region with a unique history of racial oppression and violence alongside a rich history of antiracist organizing and advocacy. We are committed to four principles throughout this campaign: reconciliation, access, prosperity, and empowerment. We hope that our actions can meet our ambition to, as Dr. King said, lead this nation to live out the true meaning of its creed.

What you can do:
Take the pledge: Systemic Equality Agenda
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Lawd, lawd. I'm assuming that I'm not being too presumptuous when I start this all out by saying, I'm pretty sure that more than just a few of us can relate to this title and topic. I know that personally, there are several men from my sexual past who would've been out of my space a lot sooner had the sex not been…shoot, so damn good. And it's because of that very thing that you'll never ever convince me that sex can't mess with your head. The oxytocin highs (that happen when we kiss, cuddle and orgasm) alone can easily explain why a lot of us will make a sexual connection with someone and stay involved with them for weeks, months, years even, even if the mental and emotional dynamic is subpar, at best.

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