Are You A Good Sexual Communicator? You Sure?
You know what's a trip? A lot of relationships would run just fine if both individuals were focused on becoming better communicators. Communication is about expressing your thoughts and feelings. Communication is about imparting knowledge. Communication is about speaking in a way that cultivates a true connection.
Today, what we're gonna tackle is, how to know if you're an effective sexual communicator. This is super important because, just like relationships on the emotional tip can be spared when people connect well, a lot of sexual dynamics can significantly improve when clear and concise sexual connecting happens, even outside of the bedroom. And just how can you know that you (and your partner) are master sexual communicators? Let's dig in and see.
What Does Effective Communication Mean Overall?
If someone were to ask me to define good sex in 10 words or less, something that I'd probably say is, "Good sex is the result of two great communicators." Yet before I get into what it means to be a good sexual communicator, how about we touch on some things that make someone a good communicator overall.
The signs of a good communicator:
- Listen thoroughly
- Think before responding to something that was said
- Are thoughtful yet direct in conveying their thoughts
- Are conscious of timing when it comes to their approach
- Takes responsibility for their own thoughts, feelings, and delivery
- Are tone-sensitive
- Are not afraid to ask questions in order to get clarity
- Make no assumptions or rash judgments
- Are open to other insights and perspectives
- Know that body language is essential
OK. So, now that I've shared some telling signs of whether someone is a good communicator or not (which as you can see, is a pretty tall order), first ask yourself how well you and yours are, in general, when it comes to communicating with one another. Now, let's take a moment to look at how this all translates into sexual intimacy.
Do You Clearly Convey Your Sexual Wants and Needs?
I've got dozen-times-10 reasons why I'm not a fan of faking orgasms. One of the reasons is that, if you're constantly acting like you are sexually satisfied and fulfilled, why would your partner do anything different and why should he be blamed for not doing so? The entire point of communication is to connect with someone so that both individuals can feel heard and validated. If there is one place where this is of the utmost importance, it's when it comes to copulation. So yeah, if you're an individual who is a good sexual communicator, a clear indication of that is you have no problem stating what your sexual wants and needs are.
Before going any further, let me shed a bit more light on this particular point. First, stating your needs is not about making demands. Barking orders isn't good communication; it's actually rude AF. What I mean is you're not about mincing words, constantly dropping hints, or being passive-aggressive. If you like foreplay to last longer than a couple of minutes, you say that. If doggy style is your least favorite sexual position, you are fine with bringing that up too.
My second point is there is a bit of a difference between sexual wants vs. sexual needs. A want could be to have sex in public. Your partner may never want to do that, so while that reality might slightly suck, it's probably not a real deal-breaker. On the other hand, cunnilingus may be a need because maybe it's the only way that you're able to climax. Knowing the difference between what your wants and needs are and then being able to explain them both, without hesitation or embarrassment to your partner, is definitely a sign that you are a good sexual communicator.
Do You Ask Your Partner How You Can Please Them?
If there are three times when I think a lot of women could stand to realize that they are more selfish than they probably want to accept it's 1) when it comes to only focusing on what their boo should do for them on Valentine's Day; 2) wedding planning, as if there is not a whole 'nother individual involved; and 3) taking the time to make sure that they know what their partner's wants and needs are in the bedroom rather than merely assuming that they already know. Listen, I work with a lot of couples where the wife has gotten so arrogant that she assumes that all her husband needs is for her to be naked and ready. If that's not enough for us, why should we think that is enough for the man in our life?
It can't be said enough that communicating is about making a connection and the best kind of sexual connection is when both partners are deeply engrossed in making sure that the other is pleased to the utmost. If you can't recall the last time you asked your man what he desired in order to feel sexually gratified, there is a breakdown in communication somewhere. Besides, men fake it too. If you just read that and Kanye shrugged, that's another red flag on the sexual communication tip. The communication tip overall, actually.
Do You Know the Difference Between Sex and Intimacy?
Not all sex is intimate. And that really can't be said enough. I mean, dogs have sex and it's not exactly intimate; they do it because they're in heat. You can hire someone to have sex with you who you've never seen a day in your life and will never see following the moment. There's nothing intimate about that either. Intimacy is about having a warm and personal relationship with someone. Intimacy is about mutual trust being established. Intimacy is about two people who care for each other on a very real and profound level. Intimacy is about reciprocity and a form of interdependence. Intimacy is about knowing someone while you feel known by them. A good sexual communicator is just as interested in cultivating intimacy as they are in sexual pleasure.
Different people have different opinions (and convictions) on what this kind of intimacy should consist of. Some would say marriage. Others would say a long-term relationship. Others would say a mutual understanding of some sort. Some don't think intimacy is necessary at all. What I will say about all of this is 1) not too many people, male or female, would disagree with the perspective that sex is better when intimacy is involved and 2) just make sure that you know the difference between sex and intimacy before having sex. Many people have had all kinds of things lost in translation because they assumed that since they had sex with someone, some sort of intimacy took place. Yes, oxytocin (a hormone that physically bonds two people) was triggered. However, as far as a mental and emotional bond goes—don't be so sure. You can only be confident if it was…communicated.
Do You Understand That Men and Women Are Different? By Design?
Genesis 1:26-28 tells us that God made us male and female. God made us that way. A female child is born with XX chromosomes and a male one comes with XY. Women have more estrogen. Men have more testosterone. Women have vaginas. Men have penises. Lord knows that I could go on and on but where I am ultimately going with this is men and women are different—by design. Whew, I can't tell you how many times that I have sat in a counseling session and looked at a wife and was like, "Did you just want to marry yourself but with a penis?" There are so many "issues" in male/female relationships that wouldn't have to be that way if both genders simply accepted that they are not meant to be twins; that the differences are supposed to bring about a balance.
A good example is the fact that a lot of men typically have a high sex drive. It's not because they are "sex freaks"; a big part of it is because of all of the testosterone in their system. Sometimes what I share with wives in sessions is it's interesting that many women want men to be the providers in relationships and yet, once their man initiates sex often, all of a sudden there's a problem. Your man providing you with sex—hopefully good sex—means that he's providing you with sperm/semen. If you check out "Do You Swallow? The Unexpected Health Benefits Of Sperm", you'll be able to see how that can be a real blessing in an abundant of ways, chile. So yeah, another point that can't be overlooked when it comes to being a good sexual communicator is the fact that you bring some specific things to the table as a woman and your partner does the same—only, as a man. Some things aren't going to be alike. And that's OK. That's how it's supposed to be.
How Are You with Non-Verbal Sexual Communication?
Author Peter Drucker once said, "The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said." There are many things that comprise of sex being totally off the chain. One of them is being able to decipher non-verbal communication. Can you tell when your partner is horny? Do you know their erogenous zones without them spelling it out for you? During sex, are you able to tell what's working and what isn't? Something that I've asked many men before is if they're sure they know the difference between a genuine and a fake orgasm (because if a man is really paying attention, he should be able to tell).
By the same token, can you tell when your partner is fully into it or simply pacifying you? While being able to speak openly and honestly about sex is good, right, and healthy, you also need to be able to pick up on non-verbal sex cues because, just like 80 percent of all communication is non-verbal, at the end of the day, a whole lot of good sexual communication is non-verbal too.
Are You Comfortable with Initiating Sexual Conversations?
A couple of years ago, I wrote "9 Sex-Related Questions You & Your Partner Should Ask Each Other. Tonight." for this platform. Once you're done reading this, I would encourage you to check it out and to also shoot it over to your partner. Remember how at the top of this piece, I shared that good communication consists of timing and asking questions in order to gain clarity? Something else that good sexual communicators are able to do is figure out when the most ideal moment is to talk about all of this (usually it's NOT during sex; that can make your partner uncomfortable or self-conscious) and then to ask questions to get the insight that is necessary. Not only being intentional about having sexual conversations as a way to convey that your sex life is a priority to you, it can also cause both of you to feel safer and more at ease.
Sometimes, couples will tell me that their sex life sucks. Then, after having a conversation like this, they realize that the act isn't the problem—lack of communication is. If your boudoir is not as stellar as you would like right through here, perhaps you are in the same boat. Communicate with your partner. Let them do the same. It might be a very simple way to get (back) to climbing the walls, sis. For real, for real.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
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The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
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1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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