What To Do If The Pandemic Has Affected Your Wedding Plans
COVID-19 has taken a lot out of most of us. So much of what we used to take for granted, especially socially, has transitioned into a new normal that looks like it's here to stay for the foreseeable future. This means a lot of kids won't be going to school. A lot of us will be missing out on live music at concerts. And weddings? Yeah, that's definitely something that has to be switched up in a major way. All of the people. All of the food. No social distancing. Not to mention that if you're trying to travel to another state or country (or people are trying to travel to where you live), that's totally up in the air too, due to different places having different mandates on how long you should quarantine once you go (or they come) elsewhere.
Lawd. All of the constant shifting really is enough to drive an engaged couple crazy—at the very least, push them to their complete and total limit. If you're someone who falls into this category, first let me say that I'm sorry 2020 has played out in such a drastic and even semi-dramatic way for you. Wedding planning is stress-filled enough without trying to make it happen during a pandemic. But if you're looking for a few suggestions on how to give yourself, at least a little bit more peace of mind, this article could help you to relax, relate, release and figure out what to do now that will still make your wedding day one of the best days of your entire life.
Meet with Your Wedding Planner
The first thing you should do is set up an appointment with your wedding planner, whether that's meeting with them in person, by phone or a video conference call. Remember that the reason you hired them in the first place was because they are experts when it comes to making sure that your wedding day goes smoothly and also connecting with venues and vendors so that you can get the best rates possible.
While COVID-19 is new to all of us, postponing or canceling a wedding is something that any reputable wedding planner should be able to handle with a good amount of ease. They can talk to you about what some of your options are, the amount of money venues and vendors are willing to refund back to your account(s), and they can share with you if, in their opinion, it's better to push the date back at the same place you already had booked (in order to possibly not lose any of the money that you've already spent) or to cancel altogether and go a totally different route.
(If you don't have a wedding planner and you were doing everything on your own, the website Here Comes the Guide has offered up a list of 40 different questions to ask a venue about your wedding during this particular pandemic. You can check those questions out here.)
Check on What Mandates Your Mayor Has Put into Place
If you still want to move forward with your original wedding plans, the next thing that you should do is check with your mayor's office to see what the mandates are as it relates to COVID-19 in your city. The reason why I say "mayor" instead of "governor" is because, if you're like me, I live in a city that has a health department that is separate from the rest of the state. This means that my mayor can put other plans in place than the governor does. Knowing what "phase" your city is in and how long it plans to be that way can play another intricate role in how you should move forward. All you need to do is go to your favorite search engine and put "mayor's office" and "COVID-19" in the search field. It should automatically pull up a page with details about how your city is currently handling the pandemic—and for how long it will be doing it that way.
How About Throwing a Virtual Engagement Party or Bridal Shower (in the Meantime)?
Say that your wedding is planned but it's scheduled for some time next year. While it's still up in the air if the pandemic will directly affect your wedding day, it could alter your engagement or bridal shower plans. If that's what you're currently contemplating, an option to consider is throwing something that is virtual. Most cities/states are allowing small gatherings to take place, so why not have a few friends (around 10 or so) come over and then invite everyone else to join you online? You can shoot an online invitation to the people who you'd like to participate, along with a dress code and menu of what you'll be eating, should they want to pick up some of the items and join in with you. As far as the music for your party goes, you can create a streaming playlist for the event and then share it with the guests who RSVP. When it comes to toasting you and your boo, if you want to have a favorite bottle delivered to your guests (or specifically to your wedding party or family members), Drizly is an alcohol delivery service that can totally help you out. If it's a bridal shower and folks want to give you presents, you can still create a gift registry as usual (only have those items mailed to you directly). Or, you can point them in the direction of a site like Givingli, where they can purchase a gift card for you and yours from the convenience of their own smartphone.
Ask Yourself If You’d Prefer to Get Married Now and Have a Wedding Later
An engaged couple that I worked with had big time wedding plans for this past spring. It was set to be a destination wedding, but with this pandemic (and states and airlines) being all over the place, they decided to push their wedding back. In February, they tentatively rescheduled their wedding for this coming fall. But since folks out here don't wanna wear masks or stay in the house (SMDH), with talks of a second (or even third) wave coming, they decided to push their wedding date back indefinitely. Problem is, although they already live together, this has put a real strain on their relationship, mostly because one of them has semi-recently had a spiritual change of heart and isn't comfortable simply just living together anymore (especially with no "change of status" in sight).
When I presented to them the option of getting married now and having a wedding or reception later, they both said, "We want everyone to be present for our day and we want to do it on the beach." When I responded with, "What if that is a year or two from now?", you could hear the deep sighs through the phone.
Listen, if there are two things that this pandemic is teaching us, it's 1) life doesn't always go how we want it to and 2) we've got to seize the day and make the most of every moment. If getting married, eventually, is the goal, then this particular point won't matter much. But if you want to wait until, who knows when, in order to have a picture-perfect wedding day, surrounded by hundreds of people you know and love, you might want to alter those plans, just a bit.
In most states, you can still meet in small groups, so why not turn your big wedding into a smaller one? Not only will that help you to save a ton of money (because weddings, on average, run about $34,000), but it can give you the chance to prepare for something even bigger and better, once COVID-19 is finally a thing of the past.
Consider Live Streaming Your Nuptials
If there is a silver lining to this pandemic, it's definitely forcing us to get more innovative and creative. When it comes to throwing a wedding, some couples are opting to live stream their nuptials. While it's definitely not as awesome as having everyone's physical presence on your wedding day, this option makes it possible for many people to witness your nuptials without putting you or themselves at risk in the process. The main thing to remember with this particular choice is you need to make sure that you use a reliable platform like Freedocast, so that you're able to record a live high-definition broadcast while using multiple devices. Look at it this way—people who plan destination weddings oftentimes do this very thing. It's not "weird"; it's just different (and safer…and convenient). Anyway, if you'd like some tips on how to livestream your wedding, so that everything goes off without a hitch, click here.
Or Consider Having Drive-Thru Service
Back before COVID-19 literally took over the world, a lot of people found couples who went through wedding chapel drive-thrus to be cheesy (and that's putting it mildly). But now? It's actually becoming a very popular option. I'm not just referring to two people literally driving through a venue that will perform a ceremony like some people order a value meal. I mean holding an outdoor service in the parking lot of a place, so that family members and friends can witness your nuptials while practicing safe distancing in the process. I know a few people who have used the property of their church in order to do this. If you do it when the weather is nice and you've got a reliable sound system, it can be like they are watching a love story on film—only it's not a movie; it's actually your real life. And yes, there is something that's uniquely romantic about that thought.
If You’ve Already Sent Out Save-the-Dates, Send Out Change-the-Dates
If you and yours do mutually decide to postpone your wedding and save-the-dates (or even wedding invitations) have already gone out, there is nothing to feel embarrassed about. How could you have known that 2020 was gonna go all rogue like this? To keep your guests abreast of your change of plans, all you need to do is send out some change-the-dates cards. Etsy is just one of the many sites that feature a variety of different change-the-dates that come at an affordable price (click here to check some of them out). And what if you don't know the new date? Share that too. The people who love you will be waiting to celebrate your "I dos", whenever they happen. Believe that.
Don’t Knock Eloping
Who knows if I'll get married someday. But if I do, I'll tell you what, eloping is looking more and more like the way to go. Matter of fact, I'm so much of a fan of this approach that I wrote about it (check out "7 Solid Reasons To Strongly Consider Eloping"). Eloping saves money. Eloping makes the day be just about you and your partner. Eloping can help you to feel more financially secure about the future. I know many couples who said that they don't regret one thing about eloping because they had more money to make the day extra special and/or to create the kind of honeymoon that they wouldn't have been able to pull off any other way. So yeah, don't look at eloping as a concession. Choose instead to see it as a blessing in disguise. Because it very well could turn out to be just that.
Again, I know that most of us have specific dreams and desires for our wedding day.
Please don't allow COVID-19 to rob you of those. Whether you choose to postpone or simply modify your original plans, just remember that if there's one thing this pandemic can't do, it's affect (or infect) the love between you and your beloved and change the reasons why you chose to get married in the first place.
If you keep these points in the forefront of your mind, you can get through this. In fact, this mindset can actually prepare you for other marriage tests to come. Look at how the Universe works, y'all.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Not too long ago, while in an interview, someone asked me for a top complaint that I hear husbands say (first) and then wives state (second) as it relates to what goes down (or doesn’t go down) in the bedroom.
Ladies first: when it comes to women, I think what comes up more than anything might surprise some: it’s boredom. A lot of wives want there to be more spontaneity instead of taking the “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach from their partner. As for men? I mean, would anyone be shocked to hear that they wished their wife would initiate sex more often?
I’m telling you, over frequency, technique, and even dressing up more for bed (and yes, those things also come up quite a bit), hands down, what I hear that more men want is for their partner to show them that they are desired by taking the initial steps to make copulation happen…more often.
And so, since I’m all about doing whatever I can to reduce dissatisfaction and frustration in the bedroom department, let’s explore this very topic today — from a few angles. For starters, what it truly means to be a sexual initiator; two, why it’s so vitally important to be a sexual initiator, and three, why it could literally change the entire tone, energy, and outcome of your sex life with your partner — if you’d simply be open to initiating sex more often than you (probably already) do.
What It Means to Initiate Something. LITERALLY.
Giphy
I’m word-literal — there’s no secret about that. So, when it comes to the topic of initiating sex, let’s start with what the word means. To initiate is “to begin, set going, or originate” and “to introduce into the knowledge of some art or subject.” Some synonyms for initiate include begin, open, set up, trigger, admit, introduce, and invest. And when it comes to all of the meanings of these words, between men and women, when it comes to sex specifically, guess who does it more? Men. BY A LONG SHOT TOO: a whopping 60 percent.
When it comes to why a lot of women are so comfortable with men initiating intimacy, many think that, just like men should pursue them for a relationship, it is also “the man’s role” to pursue sex in the bedroom; they literally think that it makes them look desperate or needy for them to be the initiator — yes, even as a wife. What in the world?
Listen, when two people sign up to be each other’s exclusive sex partner until death parts them, it means they are both saying that they desire each other so much that they are willing to make that kind of commitment — and so, there should be no “I don’t want to appear this way or that” when it comes to sexual activity.
So, with all of that ridiculous overthinking out of the way, that should make you want to “set up” some sex plans, “admit” to some sexual fantasies that you may have, and “introduce” some new ideas to your partner; especially since that’s exactly what so many men wish that their lady would do, to begin with.
So, with all of this said, if you’re someone who is hung up on not initiating, first spend some time really processing what the word means. Because when two people are eager to begin sex and invest in each other sexually, that is the recipe for a truly satisfying experience…over and over and over again.
C’mon. Who Doesn’t Want to Feel Wanted?
GiphyI remember once reading an article that said our brain processes rejection the same way that it does physical pain, and y’all, I don’t know about you, but if something is physically hurting me, my natural inclination is to get away from it. Along these lines, when it comes to relationships since research has proven that rejection can lead to things like jealousy, shame, anxiety, loneliness, and guilt — yes, it makes all of the common sense in the world that you would want to do all that you can to make your partner feel wanted…both in and outside of the bedroom because, just like no one wants to deal with physical pain, no one wants to keep dealing with rejection and all of the fallout that comes with it…either.
Actually, when it comes to this particular point, I think that an article that I once read on Psychology Today’s site said it best: “Not only does being needed help define your role in a relationship, but being needed can also influence how satisfied you feel in a relationship.” And before some of you say that “sex is not a need” — the hell you say? I mean, the only purpose of your clitoris is to provide sexual stimulation, so that alone should make us all deem sex (and sexual fulfillment) as pretty damn important.
Plus, by definition, a need is something that is deemed as being essential while also being something that is extremely necessary, and anyone who thinks that a romantic relationship doesn’t need physical intimacy? That’s someone who really needs to remain single because one of the top things that makes a relationship more than a friendship is there is intimacy that’s involved.
Besides, who doesn’t want to feel wanted by their partner — and I do mean, in every way? And when you make the decision to be in an exclusive relationship with someone else, you are declaring that they are someone who pleases you to the point where you don’t need to look for anyone else to do it; and, if that is indeed what you are saying, it doesn’t make sense that you wouldn’t initiate sex with them sometimes (and I do mean more than on their birthday).
One, because you choose them to “fill that role.” Two, because they are the source of your fulfillment in that area. Three, because it’s completely unfair (not to mention totally hypocritical) to expect them to make you feel wanted when you’re not being intentional about making them feel the same way in return. Not to mention the fact that initiating also helps to safeguard your relationship on a lot of levels too.
Since sex is important and rejection is detrimental on so many levels, it’s crucial to make your partner feel sexually wanted and desired by you. One way to definitely do that is to initiate sex.
What Initiating Sex Does for You
GiphySo, what does initiating sex do for the initiator? Something that I tell a lot of my women clients is it helps them to create an atmosphere that puts them in the mood. What I mean by that is, if their husband is perfectly content having sex on the couch during commercials (I’m kind of exaggerating to make a point…kind of…LOL) while they would like some candles, mood music, and rose petals — they can control that if they are the one who initiates.
Another perk that comes with being the initiator is you have more “control” over how the sex goes. The kind of foreplay you want, how fast or slow things go, how intercourse begins — all of this, you have more of a say so in if you’re the one who is initiating intimacy. Why? Well, think about when your bae initiates — doesn’t it seem like you tend to follow his lead more when he’s the one who is first to get the ball rolling?
Oftentimes, when a couple comes to me about being sexually dissatisfied, and I recommend that the one who doesn’t initiate takes more initiative, the one on the receiving end likes the fact that their partner is “running the show” — and the initiator likes “being in charge” more than they thought that they would. As a result, both end up experiencing far more pleasure.
The initiator shows what they want more of while the receiver feels desired in the process. A win/win for everyone.
What Initiating Sex Does for Him
sexy black and white GIFGiphyA couple of weeks ago, while in a session with a client, he was joking about how much he has “too much of a good thing” when it comes to his wife’s libido. Although science says that the fact that men have a higher amount of testosterone in their system, and it is the reason why they typically have a higher sex drive, don’t sleep on a lot of women out there who want to get it in more than their husband does. His wife is one of them. Since she’s a client of mine too (oftentimes, we do our sessions separately), it’s interesting that he’s fine with having sex a couple of times a month while she would like to a couple of times a week.
So, is he denying her when she wants it more often? Nope. The reason why they’re not having more sex is that even though her drive is higher, she still waits for him to initiate. Why? Because she thinks that’s what “the man should do”; not only that but “being wooed” turns her on more.
As I’ve been working on helping them to find a middle ground (because if marriage ain’t about compromise, I don’t know what is), he says that he feels like because he plans a lot of the dates, he wishes that she would initiate more: “I don’t think a lot of women get how hard it is to be a Black man out here. Nothing feels better than knowing that if no one else is thrilled by your presence, your woman is. For us, initiating isn’t just about sex. It’s about feeling wanted as a whole. And when we feel like our woman adores us, there is no greater turn-on.”
I’m not sure what y’all heard, but what it sounds like to me is when we, as women, initiate sex, men feel holistically special and cherished. That makes sense, too, because if we were to put our feet in their shoes, we would probably say the same thing. That’s just one more reason to pull the “gender roles” out of this topic; men and women both want to feel like they are the best thing on the planet by their sex partners. And again, initiating helps us all to feel that way.
What Initiating Ultimately Does for Your Relationship As a Whole
Issa Rae Love GIF by Insecure on HBOGiphyPersonally, I can only imagine how much better sex would be for everyone (who is in a sexual relationship) if people simply initiated copulation whenever they wanted to have it. That way, everyone would feel desired — and what could possibly be wrong with that? Especially if both individuals factored in some of the definitions for initiated that I already shared. Just think about if you rushed home tonight because you read about something that you want to introduce to your man or there’s a fantasy that you have that you want to admit.
The mere conversations alone will help to bring the two of you closer together because, after all, deep intimacy is about minds, bodies, and spirits getting as close as possible…right? And so, yes, by initiating sex, it can bring more closeness and stability to the relationship as a whole.
And what if you initiate and your partner isn’t interested at the time? Or what if you’re shy about initiating due to having a fear of rejection? That’s a fair and legitimate concern. One day, I’ll need to pen an article on how couples should handle situations like that with grace (on both ends) while applying the golden rule of “doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.” For now, I’ll just say that if this is your greatest point of concern, share that with your partner as well.
After all, it’s pretty unrealistic to expect them to always want it when you do (although it’s been my experience and observation that men are almost always far easier to convince…LOL); just know that not wanting sex at the exact moment that you do doesn’t mean that they don’t want you altogether. Besides, oftentimes, a nap or a night of sleep can rectify that issue. Trust me.
____
Rihanna was actually once quoted as saying, “To me, sex is power. It’s empowering to do it because you want to do it.” I personally think that’s a great way to bring this to a close. Make your partner feel wonderful, empower yourself, and strengthen your relationship by initiating sex more often. I can’t think of one reason why it’s not a wise move. Can you?
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