Science Says Guys Assuming Their Partner ISN’T In The Mood Gets Them More Sex

Who knew that assumptions could lead to more satisfying sex? (Kinda.)


It's a weird title, right? I thought so too when I first read a study that was published on Women's Health's site. Could it be that guys are actually out here sexually satisfying their partner with it (somewhat) being based on the fact that they are assuming that she isn't interested in doing it? How is that even possible? Based on a lot of the sessions that I have with married couples, when one partner assumes that the other isn't interested, that tends to result in a couple of hours of more sleep not extra orgasms. Still, there is some scientific data to back up the claim. If you stick around for a sec, I'll break it down as best as I can.

Here’s How Making (Sexual) Assumptions Is Resulting in More Satisfying Sex


First, let me start off by saying this study was based on 48 heterosexual couples who were in long-term relationships. Off top, two things about the study that stood out was the fact that 1) a lot of the men who participated totally underestimated how much their partner wanted to have sex and 2) they also assumed that when they didn't want to, their partner didn't either (hmph. Some of those fellas need to read articles like "If Your Husband's The One With The Lower Libido, Do This."). These two points alone reaffirm why it's so important for couples to verbally communicate their sexual needs, wants and expectations; preferably in that order (check out "9 Sex-Related Questions You & Your Partner Should Ask Each Other. Tonight."). In this case, the pun is totally intended when I say that closed mouths don't get fed.

However, the study revealed more than that. For 21 days, each couple had to fill out a 10-minute survey every night. Four things that the survey asked was how horny each person was, how sexually satisfied they were, how much they thought their partner wanted to engage in sex, and how often they actually had sex with their partner.

Now here's where it gets interesting. The researchers who conducted the study discovered that the guys who basically sucked at gauging when their wife or girlfriend wasn't in the mood were the same men whose ladies professed to have a really satisfying sex life (and life overall) with their husband or boyfriend. How weird is that?

Actually, it's not very, if you stop to really think about what's going on behind the scenes (or, in this case, underneath the sheets). Why would it be that a man who assumes that his lady doesn't want to have sex with him would end up with a woman who is truly satisfied with her sex life? The speculation is two-fold. First, if he's underestimating his partner's libido (or the timing of when she wants to have sex), that could increase the chances of him extending seduction and foreplay because, if he knew for sure that she wanted to get it on and in, he might not "try so hard" to "warm things up". Secondly, if his partner does happen to not have as high of a sex drive, because he assumes that she's not interested most of the time, she's more willing to oblige because she's not constantly being hounded to have sex all of the time. Interesting.

Why This Kind of Data Should Never Be Misconstrued or Manipulated


Although I like to share information, simply for sharing's sake (knowledge is power, right?), I do want to make sure that putting this kind of stuff out here is used for good and not for evil. What I mean by that is, I personally know some women who will read this and be like, "OK, so if I only want to have sex once a month and I don't act like I'm even in the mood then, the foreplay will get better, plus I won't have to do it as much." Yeah, naw. That's actually how assuming can totally backfire in another direction. While every couple is different, many studies reveal that happy couples who have a healthy relationship engage in coitus about once a week. That's not once a month but four times.

Personally, I don't care if the guy is 20 or 50, I don't know any man who is cool with only having sex once a month (if he's physically able to have it). Shoot, even once a week is probably more of a pacifier than anything else, but that's not my bottom line point.

Whether you and yours do it every day or only on special occasions, a rule of thumb that should be put in place for you both is assumptions nor manipulation should be brought into the bedroom—or any room of the house for that matter. Whoever has the higher libido (for the record, I know plenty of women who would be down to have sex daily as well) needs to voice that so they can come to some sort of compromise with their partner. Whoever needs more or better foreplay? They need to state that as well. Delaying how often sex happens, in hopes that your partner will be so "grateful" that they'll do whatever you want them to? That isn't a good foundation for true intimacy. Again, communication is.

Hmph. Most of us grew up hearing that assuming can make total asses out of us. Sexual assumptions are no exception. If you'd like your sex life to improve—whether it's based on frequency or foreplay—maybe start off by forwarding this along to your partner. If nothing else, it will probably get a conversation going about what you're (both) currently getting vs. what you're (both) currently desiring. Because, when it comes to true sexual satisfaction, it only counts when both people feel like they are truly fulfilled. Not only one or the other or one more than the other. Amen? Amen.

Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:

6 Tips For Dealing With A Sexually Incompatible Spouse

How To Get In The Mood When You're Not Feeling It

Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP

Apparently, There's A 'Six-Minute Rule' That Can Give You The Best Sex Ever

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ACLU By ACLUSponsored

Over the past four years, we grew accustomed to a regular barrage of blatant, segregationist-style racism from the White House. Donald Trump tweeted that “the Squad," four Democratic Congresswomen who are Black, Latinx, and South Asian, should “go back" to the “corrupt" countries they came from; that same year, he called Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas," mocking her belief that she might be descended from Native American ancestors.

But as outrageous as the racist comments Trump regularly spewed were, the racially unjust governmental actions his administration took and, in the case of COVID-19, didn't take, impacted millions more — especially Black and Brown people.

To begin to heal and move toward real racial justice, we must address not only the harms of the past four years, but also the harms tracing back to this country's origins. Racism has played an active role in the creation of our systems of education, health care, ownership, and employment, and virtually every other facet of life since this nation's founding.

Our history has shown us that it's not enough to take racist policies off the books if we are going to achieve true justice. Those past policies have structured our society and created deeply-rooted patterns and practices that can only be disrupted and reformed with new policies of similar strength and efficacy. In short, a systemic problem requires a systemic solution. To combat systemic racism, we must pursue systemic equality.

What is Systemic Racism?

A system is a collection of elements that are organized for a common purpose. Racism in America is a system that combines economic, political, and social components. That system specifically disempowers and disenfranchises Black people, while maintaining and expanding implicit and explicit advantages for white people, leading to better opportunities in jobs, education, and housing, and discrimination in the criminal legal system. For example, the country's voting systems empower white voters at the expense of voters of color, resulting in an unequal system of governance in which those communities have little voice and representation, even in policies that directly impact them.

Systemic Equality is a Systemic Solution

In the years ahead, the ACLU will pursue administrative and legislative campaigns targeting the Biden-Harris administration and Congress. We will leverage legal advocacy to dismantle systemic barriers, and will work with our affiliates to change policies nearer to the communities most harmed by these legacies. The goal is to build a nation where every person can achieve their highest potential, unhampered by structural and institutional racism.

To begin, in 2021, we believe the Biden administration and Congress should take the following crucial steps to advance systemic equality:

Voting Rights

The administration must issue an executive order creating a Justice Department lead staff position on voting rights violations in every U.S. Attorney office. We are seeing a flood of unlawful restrictions on voting across the country, and at every level of state and local government. This nationwide problem requires nationwide investigatory and enforcement resources. Even if it requires new training and approval protocols, a new voting rights enforcement program with the participation of all 93 U.S. Attorney offices is the best way to help ensure nationwide enforcement of voting rights laws.

These assistant U.S. attorneys should begin by ensuring that every American in the custody of the Bureau of Prisons who is eligible to vote can vote, and monitor the Census and redistricting process to fight the dilution of voting power in communities of color.

We are also calling on Congress to pass the John Lewis Voting Rights Advancement Act to finally create a fair and equal national voting system, the cause for which John Lewis devoted his life.

Student Debt

Black borrowers pay more than other students for the same degrees, and graduate with an average of $7,400 more in debt than their white peers. In the years following graduation, the debt gap more than triples. Nearly half of Black borrowers will default within 12 years. In other words, for Black Americans, the American dream costs more. Last week, Majority Leader Chuck Schumer and Sen. Elizabeth Warren, along with House Reps. Ayanna Pressley, Maxine Waters, and others, called on President Biden to cancel up to $50,000 in federal student loan debt per borrower.

We couldn't agree more. By forgiving $50,000 of student debt, President Biden can unleash pent up economic potential in Black communities, while relieving them of a burden that forestalls so many hopes and dreams. Black women in particular will benefit from this executive action, as they are proportionately the most indebted group of all Americans.

Postal Banking

In both low and high income majority-Black communities, traditional bank branches are 50 percent more likely to close than in white communities. The result is that nearly 50 percent of Black Americans are unbanked or underbanked, and many pay more than $2,000 in fees associated with subprime financial institutions. Over their lifetime, those fees can add up to as much as two years of annual income for the average Black family.

The U.S. Postal Service can and should meet this crisis by providing competitive, low-cost financial services to help advance economic equality. We call on President Biden to appoint new members to the Postal Board of Governors so that the Post Office can do the work of providing essential services to every American.

Fair Housing

Across the country, millions of people are living in communities of concentrated poverty, including 26 percent of all Black children. The Biden administration should again implement the 2015 Affirmatively Furthering Fair Housing rule, which required localities that receive federal funds for housing to investigate and address barriers to fair housing and patterns or practices that promote bias. In 1980, the average Black person lived in a neighborhood that was 62 percent Black and 31 percent white. By 2010, the average Black person's neighborhood was 48 percent Black and 34 percent white. Reinstating the Obama-era Fair Housing Rule will combat this ongoing segregation and set us on a path to true integration.

Congress should also pass the American Housing and Economic Mobility Act, or a similar measure, to finally redress the legacy of redlining and break down the walls of segregation once and for all.

Broadband Access

To realize broadband's potential to benefit our democracy and connect us to one another, all people in the United States must have equal access and broadband must be made affordable for the most vulnerable. Yet today, 15 percent of American households with school-age children do not have subscriptions to any form of broadband, including one-quarter of Black households (an additional 23 percent of African Americans are “smartphone-only" internet users, meaning they lack traditional home broadband service but do own a smartphone, which is insufficient to attend class, do homework, or apply for a job). The Biden administration, Federal Communications Commission, and Congress must develop and implement plans to increase funding for broadband to expand universal access.

Enhanced, Refundable Child Tax Credits

The United States faces a crisis of child poverty. Seventeen percent of all American children are impoverished — a rate higher than not just peer nations like Canada and the U.K., but Mexico and Russia as well. Currently, more than 50 percent of Black and Latinx children in the U.S. do not qualify for the full benefit, compared to 23 percent of white children, and nearly one in five Black children do not receive any credit at all.

To combat this crisis, President Biden and Congress should enhance the child tax credit and make it fully refundable. If we enhance the child tax credit, we can cut child poverty by 40 percent and instantly lift over 50 percent of Black children out of poverty.


We cannot repair harms that we have not fully diagnosed. We must commit to a thorough examination of the impact of the legacy of chattel slavery on racial inequality today. In 2021, Congress must pass H.R. 40, which would establish a commission to study reparations and make recommendations for Black Americans.

The Long View

For the past century, the ACLU has fought for racial justice in legislatures and in courts, including through several landmark Supreme Court cases. While the court has not always ruled in favor of racial justice, incremental wins throughout history have helped to chip away at different forms of racism such as school segregation ( Brown v. Board), racial bias in the criminal legal system (Powell v. Alabama, i.e. the Scottsboro Boys), and marriage inequality (Loving v. Virginia). While these landmark victories initiated necessary reforms, they were only a starting point.

Systemic racism continues to pervade the lives of Black people through voter suppression, lack of financial services, housing discrimination, and other areas. More than anything, doing this work has taught the ACLU that we must fight on every front in order to overcome our country's legacies of racism. That is what our Systemic Equality agenda is all about.

In the weeks ahead, we will both expand on our views of why these campaigns are crucial to systemic equality and signal the path this country must take. We will also dive into our work to build organizing, advocacy, and legal power in the South — a region with a unique history of racial oppression and violence alongside a rich history of antiracist organizing and advocacy. We are committed to four principles throughout this campaign: reconciliation, access, prosperity, and empowerment. We hope that our actions can meet our ambition to, as Dr. King said, lead this nation to live out the true meaning of its creed.

What you can do:
Take the pledge: Systemic Equality Agenda
Sign up

Featured image by Shutterstock

This article is in partnership with Staples.

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