No, We Can't Be Friends: 5 Reasons Why You Shouldn't Be Friends With An Ex
We've all been there. You meet this amazing person. Establish a solid foundation as friends. Decide to take things to the next level by becoming exclusive. Only to, sadly realize that it is no longer working, causing you to go your separate ways. And while we would all love to hold onto those feelings for a little longer, it's best to just cut the cord and move on. But what do you do with those leftover feelings? How do you move on, knowing that a central piece of your world is now gone? Or what do you do when you crave their presence?
Navigating post-relationship dynamics can be difficult. Especially if you and your person ended things on good terms. In an ideal world, you would love it if you and your now-ex could remain friends, if for nothing more than to ensure that the two of you will continue to be in each other's lives.
But the fact of the matter is that while admirable, attempting to maintain a friendship with an ex isn't always a good idea. It's OK to be friendly, but trying to stay friends with someone you once dated, mated, and/or related with can be a recipe for disaster. Causing you to not only regret staying friends but meeting them all together.
So here are five reasons why you probably shouldn't be friends with your ex.
1.Boundaries
Boundaries are number one on this list because some exes don't know them, don't respect them, and don't understand them. When ending things with an ex, someone will always have lingering feelings. They will always be waiting for you to let your guard down. They will always look for that window of opportunity to get that old thing back. Which does nothing but blur the lines. Further reminding you of why you ended things in the first place.
And sis, it's not always them who needs those boundaries enforced. Sometimes you are the one who is using "friendship" as a way to rekindle that spark. So check yourself and that person, and let that relationship go once it has run its course.
2.You're in a new relationship.
Ask yourself these questions, and be honest. Would you appreciate it your current lover was still kiki'ing with their ex? Would it be OK if they got off the phone with you to talk to someone from their lover's past? Or if you found out that they met up for coffee, tea, brunch, or an after-work happy hour? Sometimes, while remaining friends with an ex may seem innocent, it can be a sign of disrespect to the new person in your life. And it has nothing to do with jealousy or insecurities.
While cultivating something new with someone else, holding onto those feelings or bonds with your former lover can cause cracks in your foundation, making your new person question themselves and their presence in your life. Eventually, this could lead to distrust and them feeling like they have this impossible standard to reach, which isn't fair to them. So focus on what's in front of you, and leave the past right where it's at.
3.The relationship was toxic.
It doesn't matter how many people think it is, but toxicity isn't cute. There is nothing cute, intriguing, or exciting about being in a toxic relationship, let alone maintaining a friendship with the person who may have been the source of said toxicity. And no matter how much either of you has changed, when combined, it can cause your toxic powers to activate, bringing that same toxicity that was once the cause of your breakup right back to your doorstep. Creating more problems than before. And that's not what we want for ourselves. Continue to grow, thrive, and evolve, and let that toxic bullshit go.
4.You're lonely.
While it's never a good idea to entertain anyone out of loneliness, it damn sure isn't best to maintain a friendship with your ex because you're lonely. Yes, you may not have anyone to hang out with or watch those special TV shows with. You may now find yourself going on solo dates. Or searching for someone to share those memes and inside jokes with. But it is much better to do those things alone than to call up your ex out of loneliness, which can only lead to a backpedaling disaster. Resulting in an off-and-on rollercoaster that's hard to get off.
It's OK to be lonely or to crave intimacy from someone you once had romantic dealings with, but pick up a hobby instead of picking up the phone. And if you do happen to pick up the phone, let it be to call one of your real friends, and not someone you used to sleep with.
5.Some things are better left in the past.
At the end of the day, it is important to remember that the two of you broke up for a reason. Whether you both realized that you weren't good for one another, grew apart, or came to the conclusion that the relationship was just not what you had in mind, you both agreed to sever ties. But for as long as you continue to pursue a friendship with that person, you're never going to move past them and level up to your next.
At the end of the day, breakups are hard. But what's even harder is trying to hold onto something that you know you need to let go of. So, sis, do yourself and your ex a favor and bypass trying to be friends once the relationship has ended.
Just let go.
Featured image by Getty Images
- Are You On A "Feedback Loop" When It Comes To Your Ex? ›
- Should I Take My Ex-Friend Back? - xoNecole: Women's Interest ... ›
- Could YOU Be Friends With Your Ex's New Bae? 8 'Insecure' Fans ... ›
- Can You Be Friends With An Ex In A New Relationship? - xoNecole ... ›
Racquel Coral is an experienced lifestyle writer focusing on self-love, growth, body positivity, and profiles of Black-owned businesses and community heros. Her work can be found here, and she can be found on all social media platforms @withloveracquel.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Regina King Reflects On Grief and Loss After Her Son’s Death: ‘The Sadness Will Never Go Away.’
The pain of losing a child is an experience that no parent wants to go through — and actress Regina King is now ready to speak about her experience with grief two years after her son’s passing.
In her first TV interview appearance since her son, Ian Alexander Jr., died by suicide in January 2022, King sat down with Good Morning America, to reflect on the tragic loss.
“I’m a different person, you know, now than I was January 19,” King shared. “Grief is a journey, you know? I understand that grief is love that has no place to go.”
“I know that it’s important for me to honor Ian in the totality of who he is, speak about him in the present because he is always with me and the joy and happiness that he gave all of us,” she added.
The Shirley star also added that it's vital to discuss the common misconception surrounding depression, noting that battles with mental health can manifest in diverse ways. “When it comes to depression, people expect it to look a certain way — they expect it to look heavy,” King told Robin Roberts.
“To have to experience this and not be able to have the time to just sit with Ian’s choice, which I respect and understand… He didn’t want to be here anymore, and that’s a hard thing for other people to receive because they did not live our experience, did not live Ian’s journey.”
Jeff Kravitz / Contributor/Getty Images
The Academy Award winner openly revealed that she was initially “so angry with God.”
“Why would that weight be given to Ian? Of all of the things that we had gone through — therapy, psychiatrists, programs — and Ian was like, ‘I’m tired of talking, Mom,' " she said.
With the memory of her son near to her, King said through tears, “My favorite thing about myself is being Ian’s mom and I can say that with a smile, with tears, with all of the emotion that comes with that. I can’t do that if I did not respect the journey.”
Anderson, 26, was a musician, DJ, and King’s only child. In 2019, Ian escorted his mother on the red carpet of the Golden Globes where she took home the award for "Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture."
He toldE! News at the time, "She's just a super mom. She doesn't really let bad work days or anything come back and ruin the time that we have. It's really awesome to have a mother who I can enjoy spending time with."
Understanding that grief is shared by many others, King emphasizes the unique weight of her role as Ian's mother and acknowledges that the sadness will always be a part of her.
“Sometimes, a lot of guilt comes over me. When a parent loses a child, you still wonder, ‘What could I have done so that wouldn’t have happened?’ I know that I share this grief with everyone, but no one else is Ian’s mom, you know? Only me. So it’s mine. And the sadness will never go away. It will always be with me.”
If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), text "STRENGTH" to the Crisis Text Line at 741-741, or go to suicidepreventionlifeline.org.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Shannon Finney / Stringer/Getty Images