My Husband Was A Stranger In My House & Then He Changed
There I was, sitting on the floor in the middle of my bedroom, crying my eyes out, telling my husband I wanted a divorce.
I can't say there was any one single moment that led to that point, it was, however, a culmination of things that often left me lying in bed at night wondering if he and I even still loved one another. There were some days I would look at my husband, and to me, he looked like a complete stranger. *Cue Tamia's “Stranger In My House“*
In hindsight, I feel as if that was a defining point in our marriage.
We had only been married for two years at that time. Yet, here I was, wanting to throw in the towel because things just weren't going the way I wanted. Before we wed, I pictured endless days and nights of grand romantic gestures, or at least small ones that I could continuously gush over, much like I did while we were dating.
But there was nothing.
We both were working, coming home to kids, exhausted from the myriad of early days and long nights. We were constantly on the go, so much that we could barely keep things together. Not being able to do so caused a rift between the two of us that grew and grew until things just fell apart.
It was in that moment of yelling, screaming, and crying that my husband kneeled down and said to me, “We're going to get through this, no matter what." Of course being pissed off, I said to him, “I don't want to get through it, I want you to leave."
With a firm “no," he told me I needed to pull it together. He acknowledged my pain, he understood how overwhelming life had become, and that it was obvious that we were just longing for the other to make the first move.
But it never happened.
There were so many days where we felt like we were just treading water. Then, there were other days where one (or both) of us just completely sank. Long exhausting hours going to work and dealing with shitty bosses, then coming home and literally wiping shitty butts, cooking dinner, and dealing with bedtime meltdowns made it impossible to put anything extra into making sure one another was happy. Yet, we each had this expectation that the other would shower us with compliments, foot rubs, premade hot bubble baths, and whatever else it may (or may not) lead to.
Once again, it never happened.
But one day, the tides changed for us. It was one of those nights and he and I promised one another that we would work to strengthen our marriage and that we would always put each other first – even before our kids. I know that statement in itself isn't very popular with some people. But I am of the mindset that once my children leave the home, it is my husband that I will be left with. I don't want to be one of those empty nesters sitting in silence while my spouse is sitting in a different room.
We both said we want every day to feel like it was the first day we met.
Has it been like that? NO! But the fact that we have been making the effort makes all of the heartache and tears we went through well worth it.
Our life still isn't 100% perfect. We still argue, as most married couples do. But what we have learned is how important it is for us to take time out for one another. There aren't deliveries of flowers on my doorstep weekly, no little blue boxes from Tiffany's, and I can't even say he went to Jared.
What I can tell you is that on Saturday and Sunday mornings, he wakes up at 7 am, gets the girls dressed, and cooks breakfast for the family so that I can sleep in and will take them out the house for a few hours so I can have alone time. Then he comes back home with a Reese's cup and Mountain Dew because he knows that I'm on a diet, but they are still my faves. On Friday nights, he will call on his way home from work and tell me not to worry about cooking dinner, he has it taken care of.
It's him loading the dishwasher after dinner at night and putting them up at 5 in the morning before he leaves the house for work that day.
It's me making sure every single night when he gets home from work, his favorite meal is on the table and that the kids are already fed so that he and I can eat together. And for those nights that I can't deal anymore, he takes over even when he has just spent the last 16 hours at work.
Whether he is sacrificing a Bulls game or I'm missing the latest Golden Girls marathon, we both have come to realize that in order for us to maintain our marriage, that it's just something we have to do. Together.
And we are completely okay with that.
Natasha Brown is a former chemical engineer turned stay at home mom and fulltime lifestyle blogger. She currently lives in South Carolina with her husband and four kids. You can follow her on Instagram where she is steadily working on her photography skills.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LISTÂ HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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