In all types of nature, whether man or animal, it is the parent's responsibility to teach their young how to live. When a youngling needs to walk, their arms are held as they are guided in step. When a youngling needs to communicate, words are sound out or other forms of communication are taught. When the youngling needs to eat, they are taught ways to make sure they grow healthy and strong. No matter the situation, parents are constantly teaching their offspring, in a hope that they will survive long enough to do the same.
Teaching children about the ways of life is instinctual. It is proprietorial. It is necessary.
Yet, in this insistent need to ensure the survival of children, parents most often forget to teach the most vital thing in life. The thing human beings crave so desperately they spend their whole lives searching for it. Often finding it in the worst, darkest places. Parents often forget to teach their children how to love and how to be loved.
As people, we are never explicitly taught how to love. Instead, we are expected to take on the world with the hopes that we will "know it when we feel/see it". Or that it'll play out like the rom-com we memorized as kids, or the song that we couldn't but fall in love with. As a result, this desperate need to be loved, results in 1 of 3 young people falling into an unhealthy, toxic relationship. Which results in far worse outcomes on the physical and mental health.
Signs Your Relationship Is Toxic
To ensure that you are in the most healthy relationship possible, check out the top ten identifiers of a toxic relationship that you might've mistaken for love.
Intensity
GiphyWhen a new relationship begins, everything feels like you're on top of the world. Everything your partner does is seen with the brightness of the sun, covered by the smell of lilacs and daisies. After a couple of weeks of dating, that brightness dims and the smell fades, but the view still remains lovely. In relationships with intensity, that's not exactly the same painted picture; instead, those relationships with strange intensity go from 0 to 60 on a European bullet train.
The excited feelings associated with the bright sun and encompassing lilacs and daisies are overtaken by a sense of being overwhelmed. Everything in the relationship seems to be going too fast and despite your insistent foot on the brakes, it picks up speed. Before you know it, they're saying "I love you" on your third date. Three months in, they are talking about moving in when you are still deciding how to be with them.
You're not on the same page, or even in the same book. And your partner refuses to give you the necessary chapters to catch up.
Yes, relationships are intense in the beginning. Anything new is, but it's about how the relationship evolves not how it starts. If the relationship evolves from excitement to overwhelmed and chaotic, consider the healthiness of your relationship.
Isolation
Isolation is one of the easiest ways to be pulled into a toxic relationship, mainly because it goes unnoticed until it is too late. At first, the relationship started off with a designated day when you would spend time with your partner. It was a day that you two planned with one another in hopes of making time. Then, that one day becomes another. Then, another. Then...soon you forgot what it was like to hang with your friends. And when they want to schedule time to hang out, your schedule is booked for months with only your partner in mind.
In more extreme cases, spending less time together could create issues between you and your partner, so much so that you succumb to the isolation to avoid confrontation. In even more extreme cases, sometimes that partner does something drastic, like move the two of you to a new city. Family is forgotten. Friends are lost. You're tethered to your partner without another support system in sight.
Don't get me wrong. Scheduling time with your partner is essential, but scheduling all your time with your partner is another thing. Especially if they're constantly requesting it, and guilt you the one time you claim your independence. Being around your partner is important, but having your independence and a life outside of them is important, as well. When your partner chooses to monopolize all of your time, consider the healthiness of your relationship.
Extreme Jealousy
GiphyIn extreme jealousy, your partner becomes more demanding. Like a ward, they want to control: what you wear, how you choose to style your hair, how much makeup you can have on, even who you talk to or spend time with. Every second of your day becomes monitored. As if on probation, you must explain every action you make and every action someone makes onto you.
Mistrust seeps in and it seems that no matter what you do, you're at fault.
It's your fault you're so desirable. Your fault someone else is attracted to you. Your fault for their insecurity which has led to their over-the-top jealously. The truth is: it is not. Their unnecessary jealousy resides in their insecurity, not yours. If you have given them no reason to distrust, it is not your responsibility to ensure that trust remains consistent. It's theirs. When you partner starts displaying extreme jealousy, consider the healthiness of your relationship.
Berating/Belittling Behavior
In toxic relationships, it is common for berating and belittlement to sneak into everyday language. Words that used to envelop you in warmth and comfort, now cut like a knife. Words are used as weapons to make you feel less than and insecure. Either shouted to you or spoken to you calmly, they leave you feeling less like yourself and more like a punching bag. When addressed, they accuse you of misunderstanding their intentions and being sensitive to their humor. You never deserve to be berated or treated like you're worthless. When your partner starts displaying berating and belittling behavior, consider the healthiness of your relationship.
Volatility
In toxic relationships, volatility appears in several stages. First, everything is an upward roller-coaster of good vibes, before quickly plummeting into a downward spiral. Only to repeat over and over again. In relationships with volatility, you are just as likely to break up as you are to get back together. Arguments occur almost every day and apologies/promises are given without the intention of a follow-through.
The most unfortunate thing about volatile relationships is that if in it for too long, one could begin to crave it.
Sensing that a relationship has gone well for too long, leaves those in toxic relationships to seek the discomfort. Often creating confrontation for the sake of confrontation. When your relationship starts displaying volatile characteristics, consider the healthiness of your relationship.
Negative Financial Behaviors
"My hard-earned money is my own. Your hard-earned money is also my own."
This is the philosophy of a person in a toxic relationship with negative financial behaviors. They want to control what you do with your money while spending their own carelessly. When they use all of their funds, it's your job to provide for their unhealthy habit and nothing else. They must see where every piece of your money goes while ignoring the true hypocrisy of it all.
Often, they force you to take on financial responsibilities you were not responsible for creating. In addition, they leave you dependent on them when the truth is they depend on you. Eventually, you become dependent on them and the vicious cycle repeats. When your relationship starts displaying negative financial behaviors, consider the healthiness of your relationship.
Dishonesty/"Gaslighting"
Sing it with me: "Why you always lying? Why you always lying? Oooo Oh my god! Stop f-"
Most toxic relationships are built on the foundation of lies. Whether dressed up in something beautiful or showing its true face, dishonesty is as important to a toxic relationship as the air one breathes. As if a reflex, partners lie to one another about their whereabouts, infidelity, and much more for the sake of doing so. Then, if they are caught, they throw it back in your face. You're completely wrong. Or you're imagining things. You're behaving too sensitively. You're misunderstanding everything that was said.
Dishonesty is their first language and gaslighting is their second. And it makes you feel...uneasy, uncertain, paranoid, and crazy.
You stop trusting your own judgment, despite your judgment being the actual truth. Listen to your gut, and follow what you know instead of what you hope for. The lies don't hold up when you stop giving it the power to. When your relationship starts displaying dishonesty or "gaslighting", consider the healthiness of your relationship.
Lack of Support
In a healthy relationship, your partner is your biggest cheerleader. Always the support system, they encourage you to face your fears and push you to strive to be the best. A good partner helps you achieve your goals. A good partner gives honesty and provides the shoulder for you to cry on.
In a toxic relationship, it is naturally the opposite. Instead of a cheerleader, they become your enemy. Your partner becomes the number one obstacle in your way. They insist that they help you climb the highest mountains and push the first chance they get. They are often the reason why you're crying and they are often nowhere to be found when you need help. Their support comes with conditions and, no matter what, you'll never be able to pay it. When your relationship lacks support or has support with condition, consider the healthiness of your relationship.
Chronic Stress and Anxiety
The world is filled with various forms of stress and anxiety. Between work, upholding friendships, necessities, health, families, and whatnot, chronic stress is inevitable. Though, it shouldn't be in your relationship.
If the idea of being with your partner does not bring you peace, consider finding peace elsewhere. Relationships are hard, but it shouldn't be to the point that it brings you stress and anxiety.
You shouldn't fear the person you're with or find them draining. If that is the case, is the relationship truly worth holding onto? The idea of relationships is to find someone who brings you peace and happiness. Don't settle for chronic stress and anxiety when there are other options. When your relationship is filled with chronic stress and anxiety, consider the healthiness of your relationship.
Physical Violence
Physical violence is never acceptable or warranted. Everyone deserves to be safe within their home and within their relationships. If your relationship exhibits physical violence, no matter how extreme, consider consulting a specialist. With the assistance of the specialist, they can consult you on safe ways to leave the home. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline, which can help victims and survivors of domestic violence: 1-800-799-7233.
If any of the above characteristics are displayed within your relationship, consider calling a specialist to determine the healthiest way to leave your situation (1-800-799-7233). Our parents might not have taught us how to effectively love, but this does not mean we have to accept love in any and every form.
Featured image by Shutterstock
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"For example, if you’ve fundamentally changed what your product is and does, it’s likely that your brand is out of alignment with the business. Or, if you find your company is developing a reputation that doesn’t serve it, it might be time to pump the brakes and figure out what needs to change.
She continues, "Sometimes you’ll see companies (especially startups) announce a name change that comes with updated messaging, visuals, etc. That usually means their vision has changed or expanded, and their previous branding was too narrow/couldn’t encompass everything they planned to do."
Feature image courtesy
The Brand Doula was born in 2019, and its focus is on putting "the experiences, goals, and needs of women of color founders first," as well as brands with "culture-shifting missions."
According to Lola, culture-shifting is "the act of influencing dominant behavior, beliefs, or experiences in a community or group (ideally, for the better)."
"At The Brand Doula, we work with companies and leaders that set out to challenge the status quo in their industries and communities. They’re here to make an impact that sends ripples across the market," she says.
"We help the problem solvers of the world — the ones who aren't satisfied with 'this is how it's always been' and instead ask 'how could this be better?' Our clients build for impact, reimagining tools, systems, and ways of living to move cultures forward."
The Brand Doula has worked with many brands, including Too Collective, to assist with their collaboration with Selena Gomez's Rare Beauty and Balanced Black Girl for a "refresh," aka rebrand. For businesses looking to rebrand, Lola shares four essential steps.
1. Do an audit of your current brand experience — what’s still relevant and what needs to change? Reflect on why you’re doing the rebrand in the first place and what success would look like after relaunching.
2. Tackle the overall strategy first — before you start redesigning logos and websites, align on a new vision for your brand. How do you want your company to be positioned moving forward? Has your audience changed at all? Will your company have a fresh personality and voice?
3. Bring your audience along the journey — there’s no need to move in secret. Inviting your current audience into the journey can actually help them feel more connected to and invested in your story, enough to stick around as changes are being made.
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While determining whether the rebrand was successful may take a few months, Lola says a clear sign that it is unsuccessful is negative feedback from your target audience. "Customers are typically more vocal about what they don’t like more than what they do like," she says.
But some good signs to look out for are improvements in engagement with your marketing, positive reviews, press and increase in retention, and overall feeling aligned with the new branding.
For more information about Lola and The Brand Doula, visit her website, thebranddoula.com.
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I remember calling my grandmother, who has since transitioned, and hearing the passion in her voice when she explained how she’d never thought she’d see something like this happen and how much it meant to her. As I reflect, I realize it’s a combination of memories like this that undoubtedly encouraged my will to vote.
However, as an adult, my reasoning behind the practice has developed. It’s no longer just about “the right thing to do.” I feel a responsibility to myself and my future to know the issues, how they impact me, and make a difference for others.
In the times we’re in, there's so much “news” everywhere. It’s hard to distinguish fact from opinion and bias from beliefs. This is why it was such a pleasure speaking with Jara Butler, Chief Impact Officer of Supermajority. Supermajority is an organization focused on making women the most powerful voting bloc in the country. During this authentic and informal conversation, we talked about so much.
I learned about her time working with the Obama campaign and how she masterfully worked in multiple industries, and we shared some of our favorite female rap moments. However, in the snapshot you’ll read, we focused on the issues. Jara walked xoNecole through what’s most affecting women of color in this election and what we can do to be more aware. Whether you’re a politics girlie or like me, just trying to gain more insight, hopefully this convo connects with you.
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xoNecole: Let’s just jump right in. What are some of the most popular issues that you hear Black women discussing related to this election?
Jara Butler: Our sister organization, the Supermajority Education Fund, recently did some research specifically looking at young women in the age group 18 to 35, and young Black women identified their economic well-being as a priority. Right now, we're in a place where a lot of us, especially young Black women, are finding that meeting those basic needs are harder and harder.
Secondly, is Project 2025. I think Black women see it as not just something that could happen, but actively happening. For example, we’ve all been watching the case with the Fearless fund, and how it's been targeted. We know Black women are very entrepreneurial. We can go back to Madam C.J. Walker and others who have opened the door for all of us to achieve. But if those barriers are in place, we're just not going to be able to meet that.
Lastly, Repro is a very big issue. But I think looking at it holistically and not just about abortion is important. Black women are more likely to talk about this from a perspective of our reproductive health care and the lack of access due to medical racism. As a Black woman myself, who's over 40, a lot of the changes that I am making in my life are because I have to do everything I can to put myself in a position, because I know no matter what my economic status is, if I walk into a medical office, there's a good chance I'm gonna face medical discrimination. Breast cancer screenings, colon cancer screening, ovarian cancer screening, cervical cancer screenings - all of those are part of that network of reproductive health.
xoN: Another issue I’d love your insight into is our missing girls. I think it's so unbelievable how much this is swept under the rug. There are so many stories about Black women that are continuing to go missing; I don’t understand how that’s not a bigger conversation. Is this something that can be pursued on the government level and what can we do to bring more attention to this issue?
Jara: We have this list of majority rules on our website, and my favorite one is: that our government represents us. I think that we have to continue to apply pressure to our government to meet our needs. And again, women are the majority of voters. Black women, especially, are the most reliable voting bloc across all groups, and our interests right now are not being met. So yes, there is something that we can do, but I also am a big proponent of us having these conversations.
My great-grandmother was enslaved, my grandmother was born into Jim Crow, and I watched my mother face economic insecurity. I say that because, as a Black community, we have to have an internal conversation to talk about these issues, and we have to do it upfront. I think we have to get into a position of realizing that we do have power, and how we activate that power.
Our power comes from being Black folks because Black people organizing has been enough to shake up and scare people. There were laws that prevented us from congregating together, even at church, because they knew what would happen when we got together. We have to get back into that. It's not that we are not doing it, but the urgency needs to be greater. And finally, we have to get away from depending on one individual to take us there. It's gonna take all of us.
"Our power comes from being Black folks because Black people organizing has been enough to shake up and scare people. There were laws that prevented us from congregating together, even at church, because they knew what would happen when we got together. We have to get back into that. It's not that we are not doing it, but the urgency needs to be greater."
xoN: I agree completely. Now, when we started, you mentioned money. So let’s talk about it. So many of us are starting businesses and getting degrees, and I love to see it. But everyone seems to still be having a lot of the same issues around finances. What are some of the underlying reasons behind this debt that we're dealing with, and how can voting influence these challenges without getting into the individual candidates?
Jara: Hello! Let’s talk about the money! Black women have been told that if we want to move ahead, we have to have that master's degree. We have to be twice as good. So we met that measure, right? But in order to do that, we have to pay for it. Up until about the 1970s college was absolutely affordable. You could work one job and pay for college with some money left over. That has changed.
Realistically, student loans are a barrier. They are a barrier to access housing. They impact our credit, and really and truthfully, depending on how much your loans are, they could affect you paying rent. It basically creates a cycle of debt. And I have real problems with people who say, get a degree in something that's going to make money. It’s about your skills, and if you have the skills, you should be able to earn a living. That covers that.
But the fact is that student loan debt continues to increase, and there have been attempts, more than once, to try to relieve some of that pressure. The reality is that this is a squeeze. It is a conundrum, and we see efforts by the current White House administration to try to alleviate those things, even when they are stopped.
But truly, Congress needs to step in and support this, but I would take it a step further. We should be considering and looking at what it would look like if we had free community colleges. Because what we have now is two generations of borrowers, because older millennials’ children are beginning to age. Black women have the highest degree of second-degree secondary education, but we carry like 1.7 trillion in debt or something like that. I can't remember the exact number, but basically, the majority of the student loan debt is ours.
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xoN: Speaking of college, obviously there’s a lot of discussion around affirmative action in the schools and the undergoing changes. How important is it to consider this topic, and are there any new laws or policies being proposed around this that we should be aware of?
Jara: Oh my goodness, affirmative action is one of the things that we saw that our sister site, the Supermajority Education Fund, found last year as a number two issue for young women. I actually hypothesized that it was a real thing, and it was. And the reason for that is that affirmative action as a whole has been something that benefited white women more than any other group.
However, what is happening is that we’re using the word DEI in a way that is derogatory. I’ve heard people refer to it as: “didn't even earn it.” And as a Black woman who attended an amazing school, I remember being in class and having someone make that comment, knowing my grades were higher than theirs.
The fact of the matter is that we would not need these policies if we lived in an equal and equitable society. It doesn't do us any harm for us to face the facts that this country was built off the backs of enslaved people and the blood of indigenous people, and off the sweat and the tears of immigrants. But because we are unwilling to face that, we now are demonizing programs that are actually meant to create some symbol of balance.
xoN: Finally, I’ll close with this, what can we do to provide information to young people, and how do we combat all of the less than researched info?
Jara: One thing I encourage is to look at the source. At Supermajority, our social channels are information-based. We strive to provide up-to-date accurate information that is digestible to all. Media literacy is something I believe in, and unfortunately, it is something that we have a responsibility to continue to share with the community at large. So much of our world is centered on immediate info, a lie spreads faster than the truth.
We just saw that with the Olympic women's boxers, and we have to ask ourselves often: is this information accurate? Who is telling the story? Most importantly, how am I an original contributor? Not everything said needs to be shared, and not every thought needs to be public.
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