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What I've Learned About Being My Man's #1 Cheerleader
My husband and I were having a general discussion about relationships and such awhile back.
During this particular conversation we talked about how and why some men hate going home to their wives for whatever reason and he told me, “Baby, there are two types of married men – those who love going home and those who hate coming home.” Yeah, pretty blunt, right? I know, but we like to keep it real when we talk. He was explaining how some men really don’t enjoy coming home because they don’t get the love, support or encouragement like they should.
For me personally, there’s something about cooking and preparing a meal for your man and watching him partake of it after a long, hard day at work. Call me sappy, ol’ school or whatever, but that’s why it means so much when he tells me that he loves coming home to me because I feel like it’s one of my main duties as a wife – to provide a comfortable and loving atmosphere for our home and our family.
Now, of course everyday isn’t perfect, and I’m definitely no “Perfect Patty” – especially if I get in one of my moods (LOL). Quite honestly there are days when we disagree or have an argument and we can’t stand to be in the same room with each other. But most of the time I, like many other women, strive to do what I can so he wants to come home instead of pushing him out in the street or worst case, into the arms of another woman.
[Tweet "I strive to do what I can so he wants to come home...."]
And I’ll say this as a side note – there are in fact a lot of women who go above and beyond to create an atmosphere of love, but unfortunately there are some men who take advantage of it, and that’s not right. Although many will claim this (or lack thereof) as a reason for stepping out of their marriage or relationship, it’s never a valid reason. Rather it’s usually a symptom of how one is feeling, and it should be addressed and resolved in a more useful, honest and practical way.
Nevertheless, as someone who really didn’t have a blueprint for marriage and wasn’t exactly sure how this whole “marriage” thing worked, I always knew I wanted to do whatever I could to create a comfortable and happy atmosphere for my husband. But it wasn’t until we were officially married that I realized just how important this was and what it looked like. Mind you, it’s easier said than done because it’s easy to get so caught up in our personal wants and needs that we forget what it means to submit to each other and satisfy the needs of our spouses.
So, I figured why not share some of what I’ve learned (and am learning) about being my man’s number one cheerleader and what that looks like at home!
Home should feel like an inner sanctum, not a jail cell.
Unlike jail, there is no rule that says once you’re married both parties have to be tied down to each other 24 hours a day. Sometimes as women we have a tendency to try and control our man’s every move and quite honestly, it’s usually a sign of our lack of trust. Eric and I understand that some days we both need our space, but we also understand our limits and boundaries.
For example, my husband loves to work out at the gym so he goes a few times during the week and will stay for hours. Instead of bugging him with questions like, "Where are you going? What are you doing? Who are you with?” I let him live--especially because I want the same in return. Trying to tie someone down or keep them bound at home will only make them yearn for “freedom” even that much more. Home is where the heart is. He shouldn’t feel like that’s where he’s going to find hell on earth.
Create an atmosphere of admiration, not agitation.
In other words, nag him less and encourage him more. For me, a lot of times this means “don’t sweat the small stuff.” I have a tendency to nag or bother Eric about little stuff – whether it’s a dish in the sink, his clothes everywhere or even the trash. While little things can build up to become bigger issues, I’m learning how to pick my battles and try to focus more on what he’s doing right rather than wrong…or wrong as in not doing things exactly as I would have liked him to! Besides, nobody’s perfect, so just like there are things he has to work on, there are things I need to work on as well.
[Tweet "Nag him less and encourage him more."]
Whether they’ll admit it or not, men need positive reinforcement, too. Sending cute, caring and kinky texts, writing love letters and emails, or even buying cards are just a few simple ideas to show and tell them how much we appreciate them. Awhile back I wrote Eric a cute little love note and snuck it into his car, so when he went off to work he would see it as he was getting into his car the next morning. He still has the note in his car to this day. Other times, I’ll go and buy a greeting card (he loves greeting cards) just to let him know I’m thinking of him or to let him know “I appreciate you” or to congratulate him for something he did on the job. Whether big or small, it definitely goes a long way.
Let him relax.
When our men come home from work, are they greeted with, “How was your day honey,” or “Ugh, I couldn’t wait for you to get home so you could do this?” I don’t know if anyone else is guilty of this but sometimes I go through the day thinking of this and that and coming up with a “honey-do-this” list for my husband and I say to myself, “I can’t wait for him to get home and start working on this,” or “He needs to do this as soon as he gets home.” But I’ve learned that sometimes I need to give him a moment – especially after a long day’s work – and let him relax. For instance, when I do his laundry and fold his clothes, usually the only thing left for him to do is to hang them up (I’m pretty short so I can’t reach his side of the closet.) So instead of hitting him with it as soon as he comes through the door, I’ll put off mentioning it until later or ask if he could at least do it before we go to bed or before he goes to work the next day. Once I truly think about how hard he works and how much he deals with on a daily basis, the last thing he wants when he walks through the door is to hear me yelling or nagging at him about something.
Know when to turn up and when to turn down.
Listen…I know there are times when not all arguments will start or end at home. Sometimes you get angry in public or in the car on your way to an event, but that doesn’t mean the anger has to be revealed at that very moment in time--and it definitely shouldn’t be done in a way that will demean or embarrass him in front of others. Timing is everything. Furthermore, we know when his favorite basketball team is playing. We know he enjoys football all day even if it is back to back games, just like we enjoy our favorite TV shows, books, quiet time, etc. So while he’s watching his sports, I will either join him, watch the other TV, or find something else to do, but what I won’t do is interrupt him and say, “Can we talk?” Football season for me usually means one of two things: more girl time or more “me” time, so take advantage of it.
Honestly, Eric is actually pretty flexible when it comes to making time for other things even if it is football season. We find ways to compromise whether it’s football or even vice versa when one of my favorite TV shows is on. Of course, if it’s critical and a really important issue that seems to be a little too much, then it’s time to have an open and honest discussion in hopes of finding a resolution.
RESPECT.
Showing our men the respect they deserve is probably one of the biggest and most important ways to show them we’re they’re number one fan. More importantly, we have to let a man be a man.
[Tweet "Respect is not only in what we say but what we do."]
There are times when I may get upset about something with my husband, and even though I may not verbalize exactly what I’m thinking Eric can usually tell through my actions or facial expressions what I’m thinking. Unfortunately, at times my body language or facial expressions can convey a certain level of sarcasm or as if I’m being condescending. So, I have to be mindful of my words and my actions to avoid making my man feel less than anything but a man.
Good men deserve to have good news shared about them.
Moment of transparency…sometimes I feel bad about posting pictures or cute anecdotes about my hubby. But then I think to myself and realize if people can post and talk so much about how terrible some of these men are out here, then surely I have a right to and should post or talk about the opposite. For me, it’s not to brag or boast; rather, it’s a testimony of how much God has blessed me and blessed our relationship and to show just how good He is. I’ve also noticed that it actually encourages others. I’ve had so many women – and even men – tell me how encouraging it is to see the love between the two of us whether in real life or even through an image or story I’ve shared via social media. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Ladies, don’t be so quick to tell your girlfriends all the bad things about your man but slow to tell the good things about him. If they never know how good he is to you, then how will they know if he’s good for you? So, don’t be hesitant or feel bad about sharing good news about your man.
As always, be mindful of how much is too much as it relates to sharing anything about your relationship. At the end of the day not everyone is a cheerleader for your relationship, and then there are those who will try to cheer louder than you. But one thing’s for certain, there’s only one cheerleading captain over here and no one is going to scream or cheer louder for my man than me.
Originally published on White Noyze
Shonda Brown White is a bestselling author, blogger, life coach, and brand strategist. When she's not jumping out of a plane or zip lining, she's living the married life with her husband in Atlanta, GA. Connect with her on social @ShondaBWhite and her empowering real talk on her blog.
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Is it just me, or do our bodies have an “If it’s not one thing, it’s another” vibe as we get older? And lately, new or recurring skin conditions have been yet another thing to add to the growing list of “WTF is this, am I dying?” When it comes to seborrheic dermatitis, it’s one of the most common skin issues, impacting 3 to 10 out of 100 people, per the National Institute of Health. You may have heard of it, been diagnosed with it, or will relate to this article and finally feel seen and relieved that there’s a name for what you’ve been going through.
We’re breaking down everything you need to know about seborrheic dermatitis, from what it is and its symptoms to shutting down a few common myths, and of course, how to know if you actually have it. Let’s get into it.
What Are The Signs?
You may be experiencing seborrheic dermatitis if your skin, eyebrows, scalp, or facial hair has dandruff, irritable skin patches, or flakes, according to the Mayo Clinic. More specifically, and on the verge of TMI, oily skin with flat white or yellow scales may also be a sign.
When it comes to rashes, it’s likely they’ll show up in a ring-like form (which is called petaloid seborrheic dermatitis). For the melanated folks, rashes may appear darker or lighter (per the National Eczema Association, people of color may get a more intense flare-up with lesions on the hairline and discoloration), while those with fair skin may experience red rash areas.
Where Is It?
While seborrheic dermatitis can occur on various body parts, it’s frequently seen on the scalp, according to the NEA. The Mayo Clinic notes that the condition also pops up on oily facial and body areas like the edges of one’s nose, eyelids, and eyebrows, as well as the chest and ears. Skin can appear inflamed with rashes and patches, and the scalp will typically battle with relentless dandruff.
Seborrheic dermatitis can be super irritating and frustrating, but fortunately, if you’ve been diagnosed, it doesn’t lead to permanent hair loss, and it isn’t contagious, The Mayo Clinic states. In fact, with doctor-prescribed treatment or products like special shampoo, it could disappear or at least reduce flare-ups.
What Triggers It?
It’s difficult to pinpoint what specifically causes the condition. The Mayo Clinic points out that it could arise thanks to too much oil in the skin or the presence of Malassezia, a type of fungi. Commonly, things like fatigue, weather changes, and stress also play a role. More serious conditions that can trigger it range from Parkinson’s and depression to HIV, as well as the aftermath of life-altering events like a heart attack.
Bronchitis, strep throat, the flu, tonsillitis, and ear and respiratory infections are also known to cause flare-ups, along with skin issues like bruises, sunburns, scratches, and bites, per the Cleveland Clinic.
Interestingly enough, the NIH notes that seasons changing has a role too. Seborrheic dermatitis can disappear in the summer months, and then make a comeback like it never left in the winter.
Who Does It Affect?
Unlike many other things we go through as women, seborrheic dermatitis is actually more common for men, according to the NIH. It often appears for the first time in the young adult years or for those who are older than 50.
What About Psoriasis Though?
Seborrheic dermatitis is often compared to psoriasis, and for good reason. They both impact the skin, especially the scalp area. They can both also leave scaly patches on the skin, flakes on your hair, and cause itching. However, they’re not identical. Healthline notes that areas of seborrheic dermatitis flareups are typically easier to remove compared to psoriasis. Psoriasis also tends to be sorer and more tender, while seborrheic dermatitis can itch or create a burning sensation.
Let’s Clear The Air
There are a few rumors about the power of seborrheic dermatitis and what it can cause. So let’s break down the truth for a second. According to the NEA, this condition is not cancerous, nor does it indicate or increase a higher risk for cancer in the future.
Just a reminder, it doesn’t cause hair loss, nor is hair loss a symptom. If you are experiencing concerning hair loss, it is likely a sign of something else.
How Can You Treat It?
Seborrheic dermatitis can be treated pretty easily (praises be). Certain medicines like shampoos with tar, anti-inflammatory creams that include steroids, creams and shampoos with antifungal agents, or creams that feature salicylic acid, can be applied to the inflamed area to help resolve the problematic area, according to the NIH.
Just a note though: As tempting as it is to cover up scaly patches with heavy foundation or concealer, experts with the NIH actually advise against it as it can clog your pores. However, a light foundation can be used occasionally, along with skin care products that aren’t too oily to help temporarily conceal it.
A unique type of sunscreen also isn’t needed. You can use what you typically would before stepping out into the sun. And your skin soaking in a few extra rays could actually help your skin.
Should You Self-Diagnose?
As tempting as it is to make an appointment with Dr. Google, The Mayo Clinic advises you to call your actual physician if the condition interrupts your sleep, makes you lose focus throughout the day, contributes to anxiety, or simply doesn’t go away with at-home remedies. Simply put, it’s always best to check with your doctor to ensure you’re actually experiencing seborrheic dermatitis and get the treatment you need to help monitor or prevent it.
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