"AHT AHT."
Two very simple words that my mother probably learned from her mother that have shaped my world. They've taught me not to touch things that might burn me, they've protected me from wandering places that didn't serve me, and they've helped me to draw boundaries with people who could hurt me.
These are only a few of the wise words my mother has imparted in me as I've evolved from her baby girl to a grown-ass woman—crumbs of advice that I now know were survival tactics. And as we endure the side effects of a global pandemic, GirlTrek's #DaughtersOf campaign wants us to know that it's these gentle (and sometimes stern) words that will allow us to survive, thrive, and rise like a phoenix above the ashes when this ends.
Courtesy of Taylor Honore
Executive produced by Shantrelle Lewis, #DaughtersOf wants Black women who are descendants of the Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade to reconnect with both our matriarchal heritage and the self-care tips and tactics that they used to endure hard times, which our mothers and grandmothers later passed down to us. Shantrelle told xoNecole, "Although my grandmother wasn't a well-off woman, she was a hard-working woman and she always made sure to impress upon me the importance of having something for yourself. This advice clearly was also instilled in my mama."
She continued, "She always made sure we had what we needed to take care of ourselves, whether it was something we wanted or just in case of emergencies. To this day, when I'm home in New Orleans, when I'm leaving out the house my mama asks me whether or not I need any money. I laugh just thinking about it because I'm grown! But that's her way of taking care of me and making sure I'm always good no matter what."
To celebrate Mother's Day, #DaughtersOf will host a live sacred, special conversation with Angela Davis and Nikki Giovanni Friday, May 8th at 7 p.m. EST on Facebook Live, but until then, we sat down with 10 women featured in the campaign to discuss the most powerful life lessons they learned from their mother-figures about survival and, let me tell you sis, our mothers, grandmothers, great-grandmothers, and aunties ain't raise no fools.
Here's what we learned:
“God bless a child that's got her own."
Rog Walker
Wise words from: Grandma
How has this advice impacted the way you move through the world?
"In general, I always had this notion that my joy and success was interrelated with making sure that I was always able to take care of myself. It also allowed me to take risks in my career because ultimately I knew that if I fell, my parents would be there to catch me. More specifically, I think I put off getting married and having children until after I was able to pursue my dreams and to create a little something of my own for myself. I started buying property right out of college and even though I've worked for non-profits for most of my career, I've always had extra streams of income cause 'God bless that child who's got her own!'" - Shantrelle Lewis, Director and Executive Producer of Daughters Of Campaign
"Protect your energy."
Rog Walker
Wise words from: Mom
How has this advice impacted the way you move through the world?
"My mother taught and still teaches me about discernment––to be mindful of the folks I keep close and to protect my energy. I have learned a lot over the years after being hurt or feeling exposed by people I thought were my friends. I learned to tighten my circle of friends. And that has meant that as I grow and expand particularly with my work, that my circle gets smaller and tighter. I'm certain that this has saved me lots of headache and hardship. [These words have] allowed me to let go of energy that doesn't feel good and center my self-care." - Latham Thomas, Maternal Health Expert
"It takes a village."
Rog Walker
Wise words from: Aunt Peggy
How has this advice impacted the way you move through the world?
"I was raised by my aunt, Peggy. What I learned from her is that we can stand in the gap for our sisters, aunts, cousins. Even if you don't have a primary caregiver, there's a village of people in our community to rally for us. My aunt Peggy made space for me in her home. She cared for me when her sister couldn't. That's the lesson I hold dear with me. That's the fundamental principle of GirlTrek. We are a village, tribe, we are our sisters' keepers. We are stronger together. We require each other. She rallied for me and I rally for other Black women. Survival is a group sport." - Vanessa Garrison, GirlTrek Co-Founder & Chief Operating Officer
"Go hard in the paint for love. Never justify what satisfies your soul."
Rog Walker
Wise words from: Mom
How has this advice impacted the way you move through the world?
"Meditation happens in the small moments––washing rice, braiding hair, sweeping floors. Every moment that we are at peace is a blessing and a reason to rejoice. My home was filled with abundant love, daily forgiveness and a righteous, wait-at-the-bus-stop-type hustle. I'm grateful for the soft-spoken giants who raised me. My mom is 79 years old and stunning. So beautiful. A few years ago she got remarried. It was a bold move and it taught me something that I will take to the grave: Go hard in the paint for love. Never justify what satisfies your soul." - T. Morgan Dixon, GirlTrek Co-founder and CEO
"I'm grateful for the soft-spoken giants who raised me. My mom is 79 years old and stunning. So beautiful. A few years ago she got remarried. It was a bold move and it taught me something that I will take to the grave: Go hard in the paint for love. Never justify what satisfies your soul."
"Life is not easy but the struggles we endure make us wiser and stronger.”
Rog Walker
Wise words from: Mom
How has this advice impacted the way you move through the world?
"When I was younger, my backdrop for her words were my experiences at school for being one of the only black girls in my classes––Of being teased, isolated, often misunderstood, and labeled as something that I was not. My mom fought many of my battles, she advocated on my behalf with grace and persistence against systems and people who made it clear through their actions of othering that I did not belong, or at least, so they thought. Those were her words to help me through.
"Now that I am older, the words land differently. I didn't really have it hard growing up; not in the way that she did––hunger during childhood, immigration challenges, and working her way through school while raising me on her own. She provided protection from the realities that she knew and taught me the valuable lesson of what justice, advocacy, and valuing the humanity of others through her protection looks and feels like. It is through these love lessons that I have gained strength and wisdom and not through struggle." - Aletha Maybank, MD, MPHChief, Health Equity Officer at the American Medical Association
"There ain't no use in standing around complaining 'cause ain't nobody coming to save you."
Rog Walker
Wise Words From: Grandma and Mama
How has this advice impacted the way you move through the world?
"These words were often hard to hear, yet they made me a problem-solver, resilient, and self-reliant. I pride myself on being a strategic thinker. Anytime I'm in a difficult situation, before asking for help, I seek out solutions. I hate appearing helpless and needy. While this advice has mostly worked in my favor, it has also led me to feel ashamed when I have needed help. I'm slowly leaning into the truth that 'everybody needs somebody sometimes.'" - Rev. Dr. Theresa S. Thames, Associate Dean of Religious Life and the Chapel at Princeton University
"Make sure you marry a man with money."
Rog Walker
Wise words from: Mom
How has this advice impacted the way you move through the world?
"The world is full of contradictions––my mother is no exception. Whether good or bad, that moment has stuck with me because I could tell that it was important to her that I really hear and absorb what she was saying. What I actually internalized was that I should never depend on a man for financial security. To this day, I still struggle to depend on others. What it took to survive in my mother's generation is different than what it has taken to survive in my own. I cringe at the survival tactics I've had to pass on to my own daughter and I look forward to the day that she can put them down. I dream of the day that Black women get to get on with living––instead of just surviving." - Maryam Pugh, Entrepreneur & Owner of Philadelphia Printworks
"What it took to survive in my mother's generation is different then what it has taken to survive in my own. I cringe at the survival tactics I've had to pass on to my own daughter and I look forward to the day that she can put them down. I dream of the day that Black women get to get on with living––instead of just surviving."
"My mother taught me the power in loving abundantly and giving without expecting anything in return."
Rog Walker
Wise words from: Mom
How has this advice impacted the way you move through the world?
"My mother has always been my living example. I was taught the power of radical love from my mother. My mom never sat me down and said this is what you need to do, but I watched and learned from her actions. This is how I live my life––understanding that expelling love in various non-transactional ways aligns my spirit with the universe. The reward is the serendipitous nature of my life. Sometimes, I just think about what I want or need and in some miraculous way there it is." - Adama Delphine Fawundu, Visual Artist
"Honey, just keep on living."
Rog Walker
Wise words from: Mom
How has this advice impacted the way you move through the world?
"Every time I've expressed shock or disappointment about something, I can hear my mother saying, 'Honey, just keep on living.' I think what she means by that is, none of what I'm going through is new. She has been here longer and seen more and is still surviving, so all I need to do is just live through it like she did instead of being shook or stuck by whatever it is. It can come off as dismissive, but it's helped me remain calm and brave, and rooted in the fact that my ancestors have overcome much more." - Erica Sewell, Creative Talent Leader
"Goals are accomplished in the sowing, not the reaping. What, where, and how you plant will dictate what your harvest yields, so lovingly deposit daily."
Rog Walker
Wise words from:Mom
How has this advice impacted the way you move through the world?
"This advice has shaped the way I show up in this world. It's what I use to align my purpose with my actions. It's the reason why I've chosen to live a life in service to others. It's helped me to help millions of women live richer lives. This advice showed me that I could do good work, help good people, and still make good money––that these three are not competing theories but can complement each other to maximize my reach and expand my service." - Tiffany Aliche, Founder, The Budgetnista
Check out the full trailer for GirlTrek's Daughters Of below, or click here.
Featured image by Rog Walker.
Daye Covington Kicks Her Twist Out Up A Notch With A Voluminous Updo
“I wanted to create a style that was super cute but also easy to pull together, so I went with a puff and tendril combo! It's a style that can be done on freshly washed curls or one that can be done on old hair. [It’s perfect for] when we're short for time but want to add a little razzle-dazzle to our hair before a special occasion. It's very versatile!”
“I would love to dye my hair back to blue! It was my favorite hair color, but unfortunately, my 9-5 now prohibits unnatural hair colors. I'm pushing it with this dark plum color, but I look forward to the day where I can transition into a new stage of life and go back to blue. In the meantime, I'm focusing on length retention. I've been doing well for 2022 and have had no major cuts so I'm hoping to stay consistent with my routine in 2023.”
Follow Daye on Instagram @dayelasoul
Ambrosia Malbrough Made Magic With Poppin’ And Defined Finger Coils
“[Finger coils] is a style that I don’t do often, it takes much more time than my usual wash and go. But that extra time put in makes it extra special and so worth it. The results are beautiful. It’s a style that offers many days of wear, too!”
“[Earlier this year] I did my 4th big chop. This time around hit different as a mom of two. I don’t always have the extra time on my hands to put into my hair, so the short ‘do has been convenient. I’ve realized that not all wash days are created equal even if I use the same products. However, my 4c coils are loving the products I'm using now”
“Since I’ve been having my hair dyed, I’m looking forward to trying Shea Moisture’s new Mongongo and Jojoba Oils High Porosity Moisture Replenish Hair Masque. I am currently growing my hair out and plan on having fun with more highlights and a new shape - possibly a shag cut in 2023!”
Follow Ambrosia on Instagram at @brosiaaa
Jasmin Moses Shows The Secrets To Her Jaw-Dropping Curly Ponytail
“I love doing a sleek ponytail with my baby hairs laid to a T! It helps so my hair isn't in the way when I am cooking and running errands, but it's still snatched to provoke anyone in the room to stop me to say 'girllll your hair is laid!'. I like to add a little razzle dazzle by adding my cute, naturally curly ponytail extensions. It elevates the look perfectly for the holidays.”
“It took me from my freshman year of college to now, almost seven whole years, to know what works for my hair. I love protective styles like wigs and braids because my hair thrives when I don't mess with it. When I leave my hair alone, it grows the best, so I love taking off my wig when I get home, oiling my scalp and putting my bonnet on for bed! When I do wear my natural hair out, what helps me maintain the health of my hair is to get in a rhythm with my hair. [I do] my wash days on Sunday, wear it in a wash n’ go all week, and repeat the next Sunday.”
“My 2023 hair goal is to get back to my 2021 hair length! Recently, a hairstyle damaged my hair causing me to lose 4 inches in length, which was not fun. So I’m working on getting [my hair] back to its original health and keep growing from there! I am also looking forward to trying the Shea Moisture Curl Enhancing Smoothie as a one-product wash n’ go! I hear such great things about it and I think it will give me hold while also keeping my hair lightweight and voluminous. I’m also excited about the Coconut & Hibiscus Defining Styling Gel and Edge Gel.”
Follow Jasmin on Instagram @slimreshae
Now before getting into some tips that I’m hoping will help a few folks out, let me first say that I think it doesn’t really matter if someone is 24 or 54, is a single mom or has no kids, is an extrovert, introvert or ambivert, wants to get married someday or is simply looking for companionship (check out “Single-Minded: So, What If You Like Dating But DON’T Desire Marriage?”) — dating definitely can be a bit of a challenge right through here.
In my opinion, some of it is because we’re still dealing with the aftershocks of the pandemic. Another reason is that things have become so damn transactional these days that I’m not sure if folks even get what the purpose of dating is anymore (mostly, it’s to get to know individuals better so that you can determine who is your right fit). Still, another reason is that when we do step out into the dating waters (that are sometimes raging), some of us are already a bit jaded due to our past experiences, our friends’ stories, and/or those (oftentimes) horrible tales that we hear on TikTok.
Let’s simplify it all a bit, shall we? Although online dating and long-distance relationships are continuing to thrive in their own way, the reality is that if you want to establish a solid connection with someone, chances are, you’re going to need to participate in some old-school dating on some level. So, in order to increase your chances of those encounters being truly successful for you, here are some things that I advise you to do along the way.
Be Clear About Why You’re Dating in the First Place — and Communicate It
GiphyA woman recently told me that what’s pissing her off (her exact words) about the dating scene is, while she’s personally looking for her future husband when it comes to the kinds of men that she keeps running into, although they’ve wanted more than just a casual sex partner, marriage wasn’t on the menu. Not even a lil’ bit.
Yeah, one day, we’ll get into why more and more men are shying away from marriage — quite possibly more than ever before. For now, I’ll just say that if a person feels like they are meeting the needs of their partner while they’re also being told that theirs aren’t important, only for their partner to initiate divorce (over 70 percent of women do) and then take half of their earnings…I mean, I get why many guys are hard passing on the notion.
Anyway, because the men she was going out with didn’t want what she did, she’s been finding it discouraging to continue her dating journey. As she was talking to me about all of this, I asked her how long she would wait to bring her ultimate goals up.
Her: “I mean, I don’t want to scare men off, so I don’t really mention it at all.”
Yeah, that’s not good. Even though I get where she’s coming from, if you want to date in order to find your potential mate, you should never assume that the people you’re seeing automatically know that because not everyone is dating for the same purpose and reasons.
So, when should it come up? Not the first date because that’s basically a meet-and-greet to see if there’s anything “there” at all. However, if the second date goes well, it’s okay to say that your motive for dating is to ultimately find your life partner; that you’re not moving in fear or impatience, but you don’t see the point in dating indefinitely either. If a guy is on the same page, he’ll be fine with that.
If he’s not, he won’t — but at least you’ll both know where each other stands which can spare you from finding out that he was cool being with you but never wanted you to become his wife…three years down the pike.
Value Your Time
GiphyWhen it comes to valuing time, some of my favorite quotes include "Trouble is, you think you have time" (Jack Kornfield); "Time and effort can get you anything you want in the world. But nothing in the world can get you more time" (Matt Fox); "Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it" (M. Scott Peck); "The one that values his time can value the time of others as well" (Sunday Adelaja); and "Time is the wisest counsellor of all" (Pericles).
Keeping all of these in mind, another benefit of knowing why you do what you do is that it can help you to value your time better. For instance, I have no interest in dating someone who has young children. This means that it doesn't matter how fine or funny a man is, if I meet you and that is what you have going on, why would I waste your time or mine by continuing to date you?
I can't tell you how many single people have come to me all distraught because they ignored their own preferences, got emotionally caught up, and now they are trying to figure out if they should totally ignore the very things that they said they did — or didn't — want in the first place.
Bottom line, please value your time and feelings enough to know what are non-negotiables and then not go further with people who fall into those categories. It's not a selfish act. When it comes to valuing another person's time, too, it's actually a really thoughtful one.
Learn a Few Current Dating Trends
GiphyAt the end of the day, trends are simply something that's popular at any given time. As far as dating goes, knowing some current dating trends can prove to be beneficial because it can 1) provide some insight on how to potentially approach dating at any given time and/or 2) help you to detect some things that might be going on with someone while you're on your say, first, second or third date with them.
That said, some trends that are, well, trending this year include open casting and infla-dating.
As far as open casting goes, the best way to describe it is it's all about stepping out of your "type" (check out "According To Experts, We All Have A 'Type'") and instead being willing to date individuals who may not look or even act the way that you're accustomed to. Now for the record, this doesn't mean that you should compromise your standards, deal-breakers, or boundaries in any way. It's more about not being so rigid in wanting a guy who is 6'2" and chocolate that you're not willing to even consider 5'10" and caramel. Because the reality is that a good man (if that's truly what you are after) may not look exactly like you prefer, yet if he's truly right for you, making that kind of compromise really won't matter much at the end of the day. Trust me.
Another dating trend is known as infla-dating. Can you guess what it's all about? Basically, it's the kind of dating that takes into account the fact that a lot of us just don't have the coins that we used to. For instance, I live in Music City, and an article came out recently that said you basically have to work somewhere around 60 hours a week in order to afford the ever-skyrocketing rink of this place. SMDH. I wish I could say that Nashville is the exception, but it's not. So now folks are finding more creative ways to date so that they don't have to tap into their rent money or their savings account in order to do it.
And for the record, that kind of approach isn't being "cheap." It's being wise. Shoot, I know a lot of couples who are on the brink of calling it quits as we speak because one or both of them aren't financially savvy. So yeah, dating people who can think outside of the box and still create some awesome dating memories while also being able to handle their financial responsibilities and obligations in the process? That reveals a thoughtful individual who is good at adulting too. If that ain't a solid potential long-term partner candidate, I don't know who is.
Keep the First Date Brief
GiphyListen, I'm a woman, and even I don't get all of this $200 first-date nonsense. If I was a guy, I would see that as a peak hustle, too, because there is no reason why a man who barely knows someone should be shelling out that kind of cash right out the gate. Know what else? There's no reason why a woman who values herself should want to automatically give someone the privilege of 2-3 hours of her time initially, either.
Honestly, unless you already know the person you're going on a first date with (for instance, a friendship is transitioning into something more or you've been talking to someone online or on the phone for a while and you're planning on meeting up for the first time), a first date needs to be light and not expected to go over more than an hour or so. Why? Because all that you're initially doing is trying to see if there is some chemistry and even a mutual interest to take things further — and you don't need more than a meet-up at a coffee shop or a bar for a glass or two of wine to do that.
If your immediate response is, "that's frugal AF," — I mean, if all your motive was is to get an expensive meal or reenact something you saw on some dating show on television…maybe. Yet, if you genuinely want to maximize your precious moments (not to mention energy and effort), a brief and semi-casual first date is the way to go. Besides, if there does happen to be a mutual spark, it's not like the two of you can't book a second date…hell, the next day if you want to.
Ask. Don’t Interrogate.
@lexaftercancer Reply to @jwillis808 Here’s my list! #datingtips #listofthings #dating #datingadvice
Listen, this woman said that she has a fiancé, so clearly, this method worked for her. THAT SAID, although I am a big fan of people knowing what they desire in a partner, I will say that if you plan on also coming up with an Old Testament scroll of characteristics and qualities, just make sure to keep in mind that sometimes what you want may not be exactly what you need — which is why it's a good idea to be flexible on some things. Also, the goal is not to find the perfect person but someone who is a great complement to your life (check out "If He's Right For You, He Will COMPLEMENT Your Life").
That’s why it’s also a good idea to not treat your dates like they are an interrogation. While it’s cool to touch on points that are of great importance to you, no one wants to feel like they are being bogged down with tons of inquiries.
So, how do you avoid wearing someone out on a date? Per date, think about 3-5 things that are a priority to you and ask about those. For instance, if you've had a pattern in the past of doing most of the work in your relationships, ask him about how he values reciprocity in a relationship. Or if spirituality is of the utmost importance, ask him what his spiritual practice is and how long it's been that way.
The reason why I provided these as examples is because…did you notice how they were worded in a way that still gets the results that you're looking for without someone feeling like they are being put on the spot?
I'm gonna be real, some folks end up self-sabotaging their dates, and it's because they come all anxious and hurried. You can't get to know everything that you need to know in two hours. Ask some questions, sure, yet also enjoy just learning someone's vibe too because it also reveals…quite a bit.
Expect Them to Have Expectations Too
GiphyOn the heels of what I just said, it never ceases to amaze me how some people think that they can have a book of what they want in a person and then act shocked when someone comes with their own comprised list. It’s almost like the “book person” is on some “You need to be everything that I expect and more, but you shouldn’t expect anything more than me showing up because I am enough automatically.” Yeah, I’m pretty sure you can hear all of the ego that is just oozing out of that sentence, not to mention how unfair and even unrealistic that way of thinking is.
So, if you’re someone who thinks that you “are the table” (insert eye rolls here) and so there should be no questions asked of you — I already see why dating hasn’t been working in your favor.
Just like you want to see how a man can add to your life, men want to know the same thing. Going on the defensive only causes them to build up walls. In other words, prepare to be a lot of what you expect. If that’s a challenge for you…maybe shorten that list — or at least don’t articulate as much of it — up.
Emotionally Pace Yourself
GiphyWhat happens if, after the first date, the guy checks off all of your (initial) boxes, and you’re ready to call your mama and tell her that you think that he’s the one? Yeah, PLEASE DON’T. While it’s cool to be excited about someone, if you don’t emotionally pace yourself, the elation can have you coming off as rushing things or even being too pushy if you’re not careful.
How? Well, if you really do think that he’s a great match for you, you could start emotionally processing him that way which could cause you to have expectations that are premature: “You think I’m awesome, and I think you’re awesome, so why haven’t you texted me this morning?” or “You said that you want to do this again, so why has it been four days and you haven’t booked another date yet?” GOODNESS.
I once read a study that said that when it comes to cultivating a true friendship, it takes 40-60 hours to create a casual friendship, 80-100 hours to become an actual friend, and 200-plus hours to become good friends. And that’s friendship, so why would you expect a relationship to miraculously unfold after three dinner dates?
Almost any emotionally healthy person is going to gravitate to an atmosphere of calm and serenity. So, while it’s okay to express that you’re looking forward to where this could go, as Benjamin Franklin so poignantly once said, “If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.” In other words, try not to allow your feelings to override the reality that everything has a time and purpose, and, as a wise person once said, “Time prevents everything from happening all at once.” In other other words, pulling on flower petals, trying to get them to hurry up and bloom, only ruins the flower.
Date. Mindfully.
GiphyListen, if you don’t get anything else out of this article, please get how important it is to date from a place of mindfulness. And just what does that mean exactly? A simple explanation is when you are being mindful, you’re intentional about remaining in the moment. You’re not caught up in the past or consumed with the future.
When it comes to dating, in particular, mindfulness can be super beneficial because you’re not focused on comparing the current person with the people you’ve dated before, and you’re also not causing unnecessary anxiety and/or stress and/or drama by applying pressure on yourself or the person you’re getting to know by being obsessed with the possibilities of the future.
If you’d like to be more mindful in theory but you’re not exactly sure how to put it into practice, there are mindfulness principles that we all can stand to put into practice more often:
Reality. Reality is about what is rooted in truth and facts, not what you want or wish something to be. You can sho ‘nuff spare yourself some drama and trauma if you are someone who lives in reality while you’re dating instead of some rom-com or fairy tale that you’ve conjured up in your mind.
Accept. How would you feel if someone tried to change you? Exactly. Some people have a really bad habit of trying to “tweak folks” so that they can “make them fit” into their dating/relationship/marriage narrative. Avoid this, please. Accept people for who they are. If you can get wit it, awesome. If not, maybe they are just meant to be a friend — and that can be a blessing too.
Relax. To relax is to be less rigid, which speaks to being more flexible. When it comes to dating, this can help because if you’re willing to just let things reveal themselves as they come, that can help you to avoid overthinking or putting more stress on yourself than you should.
No one said that dating was easy. Still, if you’re a bit easier on yourself and the people you choose to go out with, each date can be an opportunity, a lesson, or a win. And all of these can be beneficial — if you choose to date smart instead of, well, hard.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Westend81/Getty Images
