An Unspoken Wound: How I'm Healing The Trauma Of Not Having A Relationship With My Mother
I used to be a child that sought constant acceptance, approval, and validation from my mother. I longed for the mother-daughter relationships that I saw on TV, in movies, or that my girlfriends had with their mothers. I would be triggered watching mother-daughter Lifetime movie scenes. Warm tears slowly rolled down my face as I watch rehearsed scenes of what a mother-daughter relationship should look like.
As a child, I remember feeling like I was not worthy of my mother’s love. I remember feeling jealous of the love my mother would show to my twin brother and cousins. But when it came to me, my mother seemed to treat me differently. Every difference of opinion seemed to create distance. Every conversation turned into an argument. And I could never understand why.
From the time I was in middle school or either high school, I looked for motherly love in other women – my older cousins, aunts, godmother, my girlfriends’ mothers, and colleagues. At one point, physical distance made our relationship more amicable. But as I started to undo conditioned beliefs, become my authentic self, and heal my inner child, my relationship with my mother went from strained to completely estranged over the years. Believe me — I have tried to fix things with my mother. The pain just lingers. This is never what I had wanted. And I still don’t want it to be this way. I mean, what daughter would want that?
It took time and therapy, but I had to protect my energy and make peace with my reality. I love my mom as any daughter would. My mother is the reason I stand on my feet and not on my knees. I am more than grateful for my mother and everything she sacrificed for me. Because of my mother, I present and carry myself well. Extremely well. I am strong, independent, respectful, confident, responsible, educated, eloquent, well-dressed, successful, compassionate, well-rounded, graceful, disciplined, and hard-working. She raised one hell of a woman.
The relationship we have with our mothers is seen as one of the most important relationships in our lives. It is this type of relationship that dictates your interactions with other people. It is said what happens in your childhood shows up in platonic and romantic relationships. It’s true. Most of the time, mother-daughter relationships are portrayed as healthy, secure, loving relationships. Women often say, “My mother is my best friend.” However, this isn’t true for some women. As women have become more transparent about generational trauma, it’s definitely not true. What is true is that more and more women are sharing their experiences with having a toxic mother.
And I think it’s time we elevate the conversation about toxic mothers. It was within the last year or two I learned that the psychological term for an unhealthy relationship with our mothers is called the "mother wound." Thanks to theInstagram page @motherwoundproject, women like me have a resource to understand, validate, and cope with our own mother wounds. Let’s take a closer look at what the mother wound is, the signs of the mother wound, and how to find healing.
What Is the Mother Wound?
According to Stephi Wagner, the founder of the Mother Wound Project, themother wound is all the pain we carry from our relationship or lack of relationship with our mothers. It is thegenerational pain and a intergenerational complex trauma inherited and passed down between grandmothers, mothers, and daughters. The mother wound usually affects women of color, women from immigrant families, or women living in poverty. This pain can stem from childhood, adolescence, or adulthood.
It is important to note that the mother wound is not gender specific – both men and women can have mother wounds. However, it is more common in mother-daughter relationships. The mother wound can also be described as a loss or lack of mothering. For example, your mother may have been able to provide physical needs but could not provide for your emotional needs. Causes for the mother wound can range from neglect, emotional abuse, physical abuse, financial abuse, and/or sexual abuse.
The Signs of Having the Mother Wound
Every mother's wound is different and is experienced differently. It can cause emotional and mental damage. For me, my mother wound showed up as wanting my mother’s approval, trying to please my mother with my academic accomplishments, shaming my body, thinking my mother didn’t love me, conflict avoidance, and having weak boundaries.
According toPsychology Today, signs of the mother wound can look like this:
"Never feeling they had their mother's approval or acceptance;
"Concerns about not being loved by their mother or not being loved as much as other siblings or family members;
"Difficulties in relating to the mother on an emotional level;
"Feelings of having to protect, care for, or shelter your mother rather than her protecting, caring for, and sheltering you."
And according to theMother Wound Project, other signs of the mother wound may be described as the following:
"You feel responsible for the feelings and happiness of others;
"You have a history of unfulfilling, difficult, or even abusive relationships;
"You are either afraid of conflict and find yourself avoiding it at all costs, OR You find yourself seeking out conflict for the wrong reasons;
"You believe deep down that you are 'unlovable' or 'hard to love';
"You have a hard time saying no, setting boundaries, or asserting yourself, especially when others may be disappointed or upset;
"You care too much about the judgments and opinions of others."
These negative feelings lead to reduced self-esteem in your childhood and as an adult. Ultimately, one can end up having codependency issues in their adult relationships or struggle with an attachment disorder.
Healing From the Mother Wound
For the longest time, I thought I was the only one who had a difficult relationship with their mother. By speaking my truth, I found that three of my close friends also do not have healthy relationships with their mothers. And honestly, there was so much comfort and healing in knowing I had a friend that could relate to my experiences. It’s not easy to talk about the pain of not having a relationship with your mom. You are often envious or feel a way knowing that your friends have what you desire. The type of mother-daughter relationship filled with open communication, transparency, love, affection, and friendship.
Most of the time, friends like this don’t understand or can’t relate. They say things like, “I can’t imagine not speaking with my mom,” “You only have one mom,” or “It’s still your mom.” And to someone who struggles with not having their mom in their life - it’s probably the worst thing you could ever say simply because that is not our truth.
An article byMindbodygreen states that in order to heal from a mother wound we must learn to re-mother ourselves and set boundaries around the relationship with our mothers. We have to create a new relationship with ourselves and learn to meet our own emotional, physical, and practical needs. This means acknowledging our pain and grieving that pain with our inner child. It is recommended to work with a therapist to process those feelings.
I first addressed my mother wound in talk therapy and journaling. I also worked through my pain in Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), a past life regression (hypnosis), and equine-assisted therapy (horse therapy). The memories and feelings I had to unpack were uncomfortable but necessary for me to heal. I had to come to the understanding that the women before me didn’t know any better and were doing what they thought was right. By acknowledging this, I was able to change my reaction and/or responses, show compassion, and forgive my mother.
Please note that the mother wound is not a clinical or medical diagnosis. The mother wound just cuts deep. It is something that many women struggle to heal from. And if you are trying to heal from the pain of having a difficult mother-daughter relationship, I want you to know you’re not alone. It’s going to take some time.
And it’s going to take remembering things you don’t want to remember. You’ll unpack a whole lot of feelings. There’s going to be some ugly crying too, but the pain will soften. You will still have your moments and internal battles, but you will find acceptance, comfort, and peace. I have found that women have the natural ability to connect through our pain and heal each other just by sharing our truths.
So, if you think you are suffering from a mother wound or have a broken relationship with your mother, you can and will find healing.
I did and I am still healing.
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- The Unspoken Truth About Mother-Daughter Trauma ›
- 6 Books To Improve The Relationship You Have With Your Mother ›
- Here's What Astrology Can Reveal About Your Relationship With Your Mother ›
Camille is a lover of all things skin, curls, music, justice, and wanderlust; oceans and islands are her thing. Her words inspire and her power is her voice. A California native with Trinidadian roots, she has penned personal essays, interviews, and lifestyle pieces for POPSUGAR, FEMI magazine, and SelfishBabe. Camille is currently creating a life she loves through words, self-love, fitness, travel, and empowerment. You can follow her on Instagram @cam_just_living or @written_by_cam.
Your Guide To Letting Go Of What No Longer Serves You Based On Astrology
Letting go is a gift we are given and a strength that we find throughout our lives. There are times when we want to grab ahold of what we are experiencing and sensing, and times when we need to let go of something that was once everything to us or what we wanted for ourselves. The moment you conclude that you need to let something go in your life is the moment that your brain fights to make that happen for you.
In Astrology, there is an area of your birth chart that is designed for you to understand where you will be letting go a lot in this lifetime, and exactly how to do so. We dive through the birth chart as we seek a deeper understanding of ourselves and let go of what no longer serves us, and there are tools available to help us do so. If you don't know where your South Node is in your birth chart, you can use a free calculator like this one here.
What Does Your South Node Represent in Astrology?
When it comes to what we are destined to let go of or move away from in this lifetime, we look to the South Node. The South Node is the area of your birth chart that has to do with your past lives, karma, lessons, old habits and traits, gifts, and energy you are moving away from in this lifetime.
Your South Node is opposite your North Node, which is your destiny and the energy you want to move towards.
We can learn a lot from our South Node and it’s an area of our life where we tend to gain the most wisdom. By understanding why some patterns in your life tend to play out in the same ways, you can be more conscious of the choices you make in the now and let go of who and what doesn’t serve you in the process.
South Node Insights: Letting Go
The South Node is our natural gifts and talents, but also where we don’t need to focus so much of our energy on, taking us away from where we need to be developing, which is the North Node. So when you are looking to let go of something, gain a new perspective, or feel more trusting in what you are doing right now, you can examine your South Node.
We learn from our South Node by not making the same mistakes over again, letting go of what needs to be let go of, and understanding what we need in order to create space for our new beginning.
Read below for your South Node on how to let go of what no longer serves you.
Aries South Node: Letting Go of Independence for Connection
You are used to being independent and figuring things out on your own. In this lifetime, however, you are being asked to lean on others for support when you need it. You are working on letting go of the ego and focusing more on the heart. By extending your compassion for others, you discover a part of yourself that leads you toward empowerment and allows you to let go of a false sense of safety.
You are meant to experience harmonious, fortunate, and compatible love in this lifetime, and you will do so by opening your heart to others and letting go of people who don’t support you or whom you can’t count on.
Taurus South Node: Releasing Overdependence and Superficiality
With your South Node in Taurus, you are letting go of the need to acquire by focusing on the depth and intention of what you are obtaining. Your relationships tend to have a lot to do with your financial world, and these things can get twisted and distorted if you are not being careful.
In this lifetime, you are working on letting go of what doesn’t serve you by following your heart and your intuition more and focusing more on the feeling you want for yourself rather than the things themselves. You are also working on letting go of overdependence or superficiality in relationships, by connecting with the people whom you have a deep and spiritual bond with.
Gemini South Node: Finding Freedom in Authenticity
For you, letting go means following your freedom. You are meant to do things your own way in this lifetime, and the less you can focus on how you are going to be perceived, the more you can live the life of your dreams. With a South Node in Gemini, you are moving away from the commotion of life. What helps you let go of what no longer serves you is traveling, getting out of your comfort zone, and being in new environments.
In past lives, you may have given too much of your focus on your social successes and business pursuits, and in this lifetime, you are meant to focus on the bigger picture. What helps you let go is understanding that once you do, better is available to you.
Cancer South Node: Trusting Yourself Beyond Emotional Impulses
With a South Node in Cancer, you are learning to trust yourself and your logic more than your emotional world in this lifetime. By letting go of feeling like you have to be the one to nurture and support everyone and allowing people to do that for you, you lead your destiny.
With your South Node in Cancer, you are letting go of emotional impulsiveness or making decisions irrationally before you have thought about them.
In past lives, you were led by your emotional world, and in this lifetime, you are meant to think more about your long-term goals and intentions. What helps you let go of what no longer serves you is knowing that you are more than what you can give to others.
Leo South Node: Prioritizing Community Over Recognition
In this lifetime, you are working on letting go of the need to be seen and recognized and focus more on your need for community and soul companionship. You are moving away from the “I” and moving closer to the “We.” What helps you let go of what no longer serves you is giving your focus to humanity, the progress you want to make in this lifetime, and who you want to make it with.
You are learning how to work with others and let go of the need to figure everything out yourself. The more you connect with the people who make you want to team up and form a relationship, rather than the people who make you want to be alone, the better for you.
Virgo South Node: Embracing Compassion Over Perfection
In this lifetime, you are letting go of the need to do everything yourself and to have everything all together. You can let go of what no longer serves you by thinking more with your heart than you do with your mind and by trusting this gift of yours. By focusing more on your spirituality, emotional connections, and creativity, you let go of a timid side of you that can disrupt your relationships or the bonds you make.
In past lifetimes, you were focused on perfection. In this lifetime, you are meant to focus on compassion. By surrendering more to the flow of things, you can let go of what no longer serves you while remaining open for what does.
Libra South Node: Rediscovering Your Independence
With your South Node in Libra, you are meant to experience the gifts of independence, freedom, and inner clarity in this lifetime. In the past, you may have been more dependent on the people around you and made a lot of your focus on love. However, in this lifetime, you are being reminded to not lose your identity in others. You can let go of what no longer serves you by only moving towards the things that feel authentic to you.
You are meant to feel confident, inspired, and free in your relationships, and if you don’t feel this way, then that is a sign you are around energy that doesn’t serve you. You are meant to do things your own way in this lifetime.
Scorpio South Node: Letting Go of Struggles and Embracing Ease
With your South Node in Scorpio, you have lived many lives and have experienced a lot emotionally. In this lifetime, you are learning how to trust the process more and to understand that not everything has to be difficult or trying for you. You can experience great things with ease, and you’ll know you are in the right place when things are just falling into your lap.
What helps you let go of what no longer serves you is focusing more on the things and people who make you feel safe, stable, and comfortable. Instead of always seeking the rush or the thrill, bring your attention more towards the things that ground you.
Sagittarius South Node: Building Connection Through Learning
Your South Node in Sagittarius urges you towards connection with your community and your immediate environment. In this lifetime, you are letting go of the need to be everywhere at once, rather than with the people who matter most to you. You are moving away from knowing everything and into learning everything.
By looking at life as a place where you will learn, grow, and connect, you can let go of the things that stretch you too thin or don’t serve your heart.
What helps you let go of what no longer serves you is expressing yourself more, meeting new people, and spending time on a cause or creative project that inspires you.
Capricorn South Node: Choosing Home and Foundations Over Status
In this lifetime, you are meant to put more value and effort into your personal life, home, family, and foundations in life. In past lifetimes, a lot of your focus was on your reputation, achievements, and successes, and in this lifetime, you are meant to bring your energy more to the home base, family, and stability in life.
You will know if something is right for you if you want it because it makes you feel safe and nurtured, rather than just something that looks pleasing to the eye. What helps you let go of what no longer serves you is by focusing more on your personal life rather than your public, and what you truly see for yourself here.
Aquarius South Node: Shining in Your Individuality
With an Aquarius South Node, you are meant to shine, be seen, and express yourself in this lifetime. You are letting go of the lone wolf energy you are used to, and working on taking up space. You are able to let go of what no longer serves you by being confident in yourself and the decisions you are making.
If someone doesn’t make you feel like the best thing in the entire world, then they aren’t right for you. In past lifetimes, you gave a lot of your energy to your community and the people around you, and in this lifetime, you are meant to focus on yourself and your path more. It’s all about doing what makes you feel good and trusting that you deserve to.
Pisces South Node: Honoring Logic While Embracing Intuition
Your lesson in this lifetime is that your mind is your gift. In past lives, you were very intuitive, psychic, and spiritual, and in this lifetime, you are learning to trust and honor the logical part of yourself more. You may tend to put your all into your relationships and not get the same energy back, and you are working on taking care of yourself first before you can give to another.
What helps you let go of what no longer serves you is trusting your body and the signals it gives you when you are around certain people or energy that doesn’t serve. Get organized, figure out your needs, boundaries, and wants, and get clear on who you are and what you want for yourself.
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Meagan Good Says She's 'The Most Peaceful' With Jonathan Majors Despite Public Doubts
When it comes to her relationship with her fiancé Jonathan Majors, Meagan Good is glowing and giving God all the praises.
While promoting the final season of Harlem, the actress sat down with Entertainment Tonight and shared how she is feeling in her relationship with the Creed III star after being told by co-host Kevin Frazier that the pair "seem perfect together."
"It's amazing," Meagan responded, seemingly echoing the ET host's sentiments. "I can't stop smiling because God is just so interesting, you know? And I would've never anticipated what may seem like the craziest season outwardly to people, being the most peaceful, freeing, joyful, fun, adventurous self-discovery, I mean, all those things for me. I'm just in a place of peace and just complete thankfulness."
The Divorce in the Black star continued to reflect on her journey of weathering different storms so publicly, noting that she is embracing the shift and transformation that her growing season has asked of her.
"Even now as I look around, there's been this kind of big chapter in space where I was constantly growing and shifting and being molded and learning and realizing all these things, and so now I'm just like, 'Okay, now what's the next part of that?' I don't know what's next, but I'm really excited about it."
Meagan Good can't stop smiling over her engagement to Jonathan Majors
@entertainmenttonight Meagan Good can't stop smiling over her engagement to Jonathan Majors 🥹 #meagangood #jonathanmajors #engagement
Despite the joy the 43-year-old has been vocal about feeling in her relationship with Mr. Majors, Meagan has faced online criticism from doubters who question her frequent references to God and His timing, drawing parallels to things she shared publicly about her previous marriage with DeVon Franklin.
In a recent appearance on The Breakfast Club, Meagan addressed the skepticism around her relationship and reaffirmed her belief that her relationship with Majors is God-ordained.
"I'm a very optimistic person," Meagan told the hosts. "I really do trust God, and even when I don’t understand, I just have to lean into the fact that God knows what it is and what it’s supposed to be."
However, Meagan and Jonathan's relationship hasn't been one without controversy.
Most notably, Jonathan faced some *major* legal troubles in 2023, following assault charges brought against him by his ex-girlfriend Grace Jabbari who accused the actor of a "pattern of pervasive domestic abuse that began in 2021 and extended through 2023." The charges resulted in a significant fallout for the actor's rising star in Hollywood, leading to his removal from major film projects, including his role as Kang in the MCU.
Since then, Jonathan has been found guilty of lesser charges and ordered to complete a domestic violence intervention program, and late last year reached a settlement agreement with Grace; nonetheless, the court of public opinion has remained divided. Many critics have speculated that the relationship is all PR and an attempt at rehabbing Jonathan's public image.
In her interview with The Breakfast Club this week, Meagan continued to stand firm in her commitment, stating that the legal challenges weren’t "too much" for her to handle and that she never reconsidered their relationship despite public scrutiny. She also revealed that prayer played a major role in her certainty about Jonathan being "the one."
What makes the relationship work is trust and faith. Meagan told Ebony in a recently released interview just how different the relationship she is in from others she has been in, noting that "unconditional love" is something she's learning. "This relationship has taught me about unconditional love," she told the mag.
She continued, "What it means to be loved in the fullness of who you are and to love someone who brings out the best in you."
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