Editor's Note: If you're a sexual abuse or assault survivor, the following personal essay could be potentially triggering to you. If you find yourself in need of help or assistance, please contact The National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline at 1-800-656-4673.
I was 12 when I was molested by mom's boyfriend. I broke the age-old vow, what happens in our household, stays in our household, when I told my mentor what happened. My mom found out about it when a Child Protective Services worker came to our house to interview me in our living room.
On my way home to tell a complete stranger what happened, in the car alone with one of my uncles, he warned me that by telling the truth I'd be the reason why I'd get taken from my mom and she could go to jail.
As I sat on the same couch where pieces of my innocence were stolen and hearing the voices of family members in the next room, I listened to my Uncle's advice and chose to save my mom instead of telling my truth.
I'm 33 now. We never discussed what happened. None of us — her, him, nor my uncle. She stayed in the relationship with him while he continued to live with us. Feeling like I had to suppress anything I felt about being molested and having to hide it from everyone, I tried journaling my way through the shame and disappointment I felt.
In my mind lived questions about whether I did something to make him want to touch me — was I too comfortable at home, wearing something around the house that was too revealing; did I laugh too much at his jokes so he thought I was flirting; did I do anything that made him think I wanted him to do what he did? That has been a heavy load to carry.
A few years later, one evening during a heated argument of theirs, my mama told him that she believed he'd molested me but at that time she loved him more than she loved me. Without missing a beat and sticking true to our unspoken rule on how to address important conversations, we never discussed it. I already didn't know how to tell her I was still hurting from the hands of the man that had been in our lives since I was about seven years old. How could I tell her that her words were equally painful?
It was hard living in the same space as him and beginning to believe that I was less important, it was unbearable to hear her validate how I'd felt.
Without having real-life healthy relationships, living in that dysfunction was the foundation of deciding to dodge love. I was too young to know that her version of love was really codependency. I was old enough to know, though, if that was love, then I didn't want it. With my adolescent wisdom, I believed that love would lead me to make illogical decisions that hurt innocent people.
Much too young to make these kind of decisions, I'd told myself that I'd never give my heart to a man and I'd never allow people to get too close to me (so much so, this is the first time that I'm actually exposing my entire truth to people that I've known for years — I've perfected the art of keeping people at a distance). My coping mechanism was to build a wall around my heart.
For me, if I wasn't enough for my mama to choose me, then how could I be enough for anyone else?
After sweeping my shame, confusion, and hurt under the rug while battling anxiety and trying to recover from vivid nightmares over the years, it took me becoming a mom to feel the desire to address my childhood traumas. Initially, it was too late, or so I thought, because my abuser and my mama were already deceased. For years I thought getting an apology from them was what I needed to move on. In reality, God and therapy are how I found closure.
Oftentimes, we're led to believe that closure and healing begins with a conversation with those that wound us. Nothing could be further from the truth. The closure we need comes from within. A couple of months ago I spoke with an aunt about my mom, asking her questions to gain a better understanding of my mom.
The more questions I asked, the more I realized that I don't need the answers to continue on my journey to heal. Just like there are answers that may help us, there are also answers that may hurt us. Giving myself permission to truly feel, acknowledge the pain I felt from him and her, trusting God, and fully diving into therapy, were pivotal in me being able to forgive them.
In therapy, I was challenged to change how I told my story to myself. Instead of it being laced with any traces of shame, embarrassment, or defeat, to find the empowering parts and speak them; speak highly of how I fought back and give less value to the abuse itself.
Even though I overheard her saying that she loved him more at the time of the molestation, it does not mean that she never loved me. In a vulnerable moment with her partner, she exposed herself to her weakness. It's not my job to carry that. While it hurt and altered how I've lived my life, it's because I allowed it.
For so long, I fought to not become her — sharing her idea of love, allowing my love for my husband to not compromise my decision-making skills as a mom, that I became overly protective of our son and uncomfortable with being loved. Sometimes even doubting that healthy love was even real.
I refuse to pass that along to our son.
Putting myself in my mom's shoes without us ever discussing her trauma, insecurities, and challenges helped me to begin to confront the expectations that I had of her. I was reminded that people are just that, they're people. I'm never going to fully understand the decisions she made — I'm not her, I never knew her, and I believe her decisions weren't meant for me to understand. I feel confident in saying that she never knew herself.
I don't believe my mom knew the fullness of the strength, power, and love that she possessed — enough of them that she didn't need the love from him that she wanted so badly that she welcomed having her judgment tainted by it. I find myself, now, often wondering how much it may have hurt her to choose her version of love over her intuition as a mother and as a woman.
As a mom now, I know that it had to have been a very difficult decision for her to make and then to live with daily with me in her presence. I have peace with the decisions she made — while I can't definitively say I would make the same decisions she made, who's to say that I still wouldn't stumble?
I believe the purpose in my pain was to add to the limited conversation of overcoming mother-daughter trauma within the African-American community.
One day I came across some game-changing scriptures — Acts 5:28-29. I was reminded that the generational pattern of nonexistent communication on important, life-altering situations and shame has led me to live in silence. In the scripture, Peter and the apostles were being commanded to stop preaching about Jesus and to stop speaking His name.
They responded by asking, "Do we listen to man or obey God?" That question hit me like a ton of bricks! It reminded me that our lives are not our lives, they ultimately belong to God along with assignments that we must fulfill.
While I do not believe God was part of the molestation, I do believe that He has called me to use it as a means to ending mother-daughter trauma. How dare I be covered by God's grace to heal from the significant pain that's been living in the depths of my soul majority of my life, then I have the audacity choose to stay silent because of what man may think about it? No ma'am!
I can't live comfortably knowing that I have something to offer another mom and daughter that may untie the knots of pain that have held them bound due to lack of perspective or poor communication. We don't do the work required to heal from situations merely just to be healed for ourselves. Perpetually, we become better so that others connected to us are inspired to do the same.
It's not easy telling others that I was molested. It is also not easy to tell people that my mom was in love with my abuser and she chose him. Hard decisions are the deciding factor between being selfish and being selfless. I choose the latter.
If you or anyone you know is being affected by sexual assualt or abuse, please contact the National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline at 1-800-656-4673.
Featured image by Shutterstock
I find humor in most things, guaranteed to insert a rap lyric into our conversation (especially if it's getting too serious), sleep and food are my best friends. I'm married to THE most patient man, mom to THE kindest (smartest and most handsome) kid, a bit of a business owner (@our.words.matter), and a future (full-time) writer. Find me on IG (@jamiewshngtn) and say hi!
'Bel-Air' Actress Jazlyn Martin On Her Ongoing Identity Crisis And Its Influence On Her Creative Journey
Jazlyn Martin is a triple-threat performer known most for her role as Jackie on Peacock’sBel-Air. Her character’s fiery personality and questionable decisions have led to a few shocking moments in the series and quite a bit of convo on social media.
Now, I’ll be honest: as an avid TV-lover, I was well-prepared to hop on Zoom and jump into all the chatter around Bel-Air and her characters’ decisions. But after listening to her new EP Identity Crisis, I knew there was a lot more to talk about as well. During this exclusive conversation with xoNecole, Jazlyn Martin delved into the challenging journey she’s faced surrounding her identity, newfound fame, and family influence, and how it all plays a part in her art. Check it out!
xoNecole: So I know that your father is in the entertainment world, but when did you realize you shared the same passion?
Jazlyn Martin: I think it was very early on. I was a child who was full of attitude and fearlessness that would go after anything I wanted. I believe seeing my dad pursue music made me realize it was possible. I just had this hunger and fire, and my parents consciously fed and nurtured that - they are always all super supportive of whatever I do. So very, very early on, I was like, I'm meant to do this. And I just was like, I'm a star, and I know I'm a star.
xoN: Actually, let's talk about your family. What are some of your most important values, and how have your family and heritage played a part in shaping those values?
Jazlyn: I mean, my mom is like an angel; she's so graceful and kind, and I've had to work hard to get there. When I was young, I was very abrasive, headstrong, and stubborn. Whereas my mom gives an immense amount of grace in the way she carries herself. I had to learn that.
I think being strong is something I’ve always had. My parents always joke that they don't know where my personality came from. Because my dad is shy and timid and my mom is kind, and I'm a fireball. But my Dad always asked the important industry questions like, “Why do you want to do this?” And that instilled some purpose into me. It really carried me to keep going because it's so easy to be discouraged in this field, but that drive has helped me push through all of the challenges.
xoN: I bet. I have such a respect for actors and the way you all navigate the industry. Speaking of, let’s dig into “Bel-Air.” Were you a fan of the show? Did you have to go back and watch the episodes?
Jazlyn: So I actually did watch the show which is crazy because sometimes I don’t. I saw it was a reboot and was like, ‘Oh no, not another one.’ But I watched the first three episodes, realized how good it was, and ended up watching the whole season. I became a fan, and then a few months later, I booked the role!
I think the imagination is such a beautiful and powerful tool, and I feel like if you create something in your mind, it happens. It's a crazy thing, but I really just created Jackie's world - the house she grew up in, her parents leaving her, and everything. I created why she fell in love with dance. I really came at it from a human approach. If I see it, then the audience can see it.
xoN: Yeah, background plays into so much of how we deal with things, how we interact with people, and everything. And I feel like Jackie gets a lot of backlash. Like, we’ve all had a “Jackie Moment” to be real.
Jazlyn: She gets so much backlash! I just encourage people to give her grace and see the God in her because I do think she tells a lot of Black and brown girls' stories. People project on her, saying she’s too ratchet or hood, and I’m like does that mean she’s not loveable?
We have to be careful of what’s said and put out because Jackie has gone through things that I've never had to go through. The fact that she's alive and still highly functioning is a blessing. So what if she gets a little messy? I love her. Because she’s helped me extend empathy to people I don't necessarily want to or don't think deserve to have it. But she's 17, she's figuring it out, and she doesn't have parents. Like, that's such a huge factor.
"We have to be careful of what’s said and put out because Jackie has gone through things that I've never had to go through. The fact that she's alive and still highly functioning is a blessing. So what if she gets a little messy? I love her."
xoN: You mentioned how your character is viewed, which digs a bit into identity. So I want to talk a little bit about some of the emotional songs on your EP “Identity Crisis.” What inspired the track “Perfect?”
Jazlyn: When I was creating “Perfect,” I already had the EP title. So I kind of mapped out, like, the different conflicts I had in my head and categorized them into seven songs, and so one of my identity crises was being perfect. Because I feel like a lot of men tend to put women on pedestals. They're expected to be perfect - especially when you’re in the limelight. You know, you can't slip up. You can't say the wrong thing. Cancel culture is such a huge thing. And I just wanted to encourage people to give people grace to be themselves because that's not an easy thing to do.
I just wanted to take down this facade that I’m perfect because I never pretended to be. I never wanted to be. I think that's something people have placed on me, that I have it all figured out, I think I just carry it well, but that doesn't mean it's not heavy. I just wanted to be very vulnerable and honest. I think people think “perfect” is a compliment, but I think it's a cage because it doesn't allow room for error. It doesn't allow for you to be human and mess up and fail and take risks. So I just wanted to encourage grace.
xoN: Do you ever feel like you went through an identity crisis?
Jazlyn: I go through one constantly. Growing up, I didn't really have one. But I think as you get older and more aware and cognitive, you know how the world goes, and the world starts telling you who you are, instead of you deciding who you are. And I feel like being mixed played a big role in that, not feeling Black or Mexican enough. I wanted to belong to both worlds but didn’t so I was just “other.” That was an identity crisis in itself.
Also, being introduced to a level of fame has been interesting, too. I think we all go through identity crises all the time because we’re evolving and changing. It’s beautiful, but it’s also scary; you see yourself this one way, and then something happens, and there’s a shift. So yeah, I think it’s something we all go through but no one talks about.
"I think as you get older and more aware and cognitive, you know how the world goes, and the world starts telling you who you are, instead of you deciding who you are. And I feel like being mixed played a big role in that, not feeling Black or Mexican enough. I wanted to belong to both worlds but didn’t so I was just 'other.'"
xoN: I love that. And I know Hispanic Heritage Month is coming up, and you'll be speaking at the New York Latino Film Festival. Talk to me about what that moment means to you and what you hope to bring to the event. *Editor’s note: The interview was conducted before Hispanic Heritage Month began.
Jazlyn: I’m bringing some Afro-Latino-ness! I always grew up seeing Latinos being represented in a very specific way—very Spanish, not very Indigenous looking. So I'm really excited to bring the Black experience, with the Latino experience, to the stage because that's something a lot of people don't know exists.
People are always like, “Are you Black or Latina?” Well, I'm both! We were just dropped off in different parts. I’m excited to speak on that and highlight how prevalent anti-Blackness is within Latino communities. A lot of Afro-Latinos have faced an identity crisis because of it, including myself. It sometimes feels like you’re supposed to hate the other half of who you are.
For me, I held onto that little Black girl inside. I refused to let her go. And that’s what I want to represent when I speak—resilience and acceptance of our full selves. I’m also looking forward to meeting fellow Latino people, especially Afro-Latinos, and sharing our stories. It’s not a narrative that gets much attention, and I’m excited to represent.
xoN: I’m excited for you! Finally, with all the praise and recognition you’re receiving now, what has it been like to transition from working in music, dance, and acting to now being in the spotlight? How have you embraced this new level of fame?
Jazlyn: Um, it's overwhelming. I think that's the best word. Sometimes, I'm joyful, because I'm giving back to the community. People resonate with Jackie's stories and see themselves in her, which I think is the biggest compliment to me. But then sometimes, you know, I feel sad because I'm like, ‘Damn, I'm not doing enough,’ like I should be doing more. It's crazy, the industry is so fast-paced that you don't really try to celebrate wins. It's just a transition, an identity crisis of the like.
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'It's A Sexy Show': Aldis Hodge Talks Iconic Role In 'Cross' At CultureCon Ahead of Prime Video Premiere
The culture’s latest heartthrob owns his main character energy as he prepares to lead in Prime Video’s Cross.
During the 2024 CultureCon event held in New York City at the top of October, Aldis Hodge hit the stage to discuss everything connected to his main character era as eager fans listened in, counting down the days to the premiere of his new series.
Hodge, known for his iconic roles in One Night in Miami, Underground, Straight Outta Compton, and a host of other hit projects, will become Alex Cross, the “brilliant detective and forensic psychologist renowned for his uncanny ability to probe the darkest recesses of killers and their victims,” according to a press release shared with xoNecole.
Moderated by Chris Witherspoon, the panel during this year’s CultureCon featured Hodge and his co-star for Cross (and fellow hearth throb) Isaiah Mustafa.
After a special screening for the community builders, creatives, tastemakers, and everyone in between, the trio discussed the theme for the forthcoming show, how it pays homage to the original book series by James Patterson but is its entirely own story, and much more.
Following the conversations, guests could party with Hodge at an exclusive after-party.
“Cross is set to push the boundaries of suspense and storytelling, crafted by the visionary Ben Watkins, who serves as both showrunner and executive producer,” read an official statement for this show.
Photo by Aaron J. Thornton/WireImage
“His creation promises a complex and twisted narrative that will keep audiences on the edge of their seats. Joining Hodge in this high-octane thriller is a talented ensemble cast including Isaiah Mustafa, Juanita Jennings, Alona Tal, and Samantha Walkes, each adding depth to this multifaceted drama.”
During an interview with Blavity’sShadow & Act this summer, Hodge opened up about playing the iconic character previously serving as the protagonist in the James Patterson novel series dedicated to Alex Cross.
“I’m excited because this is a completely different Cross than anyone has seen before,” said Hodge. “You get to explore every element of what makes cinema entertaining. It’s a sexy show. It’s a dangerous show. I feel like I’m stuck in the coolest psychological thriller ever. We get to explore all the facets of his life, his world, his manhood, family man, brotherhood, trying to explore new relationships, and what that means to him.”
He added, “This show goes there. It dives deep and I just love the fact that people are going to get something they do not expect.”
All eight episodes of Aldis Hodge as Alex Cross will premiere on Nov. 15 only on Prime Video.
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Feature image by Prince Williams/WireImage