They hustle together, they eat together, and they post pictures on social media to let everyone know that they are exclusive. If they're even more ambitious, they might have a YouTube channel documenting it all. If you scroll down their comments you're bound to see emojis with heart eyes and the hashtag #RelationshipGoals. It looks picture perfect, right? But have you ever thought about how many pictures were taken, prior to the one they posted, that didn't make the cut? That's because some of those pictures weren't the most flattering. Just as such, they don't post the unflattering moments in their relationship.
I would be lying if I said I didn't want a partner that I could make money with, grow with in character, laugh until our stomachs hurt, lay back and listen to old school R&B on warm summer nights, and support one another. Quite frankly, that's just scratching the surface. I've watched movies such as Love & Basketball, The Holiday, and Love Jones and said, "I want a guy to express his love for me like that." In all of those movies mentioned, there were broken hearts, disappointments, and years of stagnation. I'm sure you didn't incorporate those into your relationships goals. I know I didn't.
We can't confuse happy moments with happy endings. Relationships are forever being developed. I'm sure you've heard countless times that a relationship is not a destination but a journey. It's not a resort you check-in to and live forever in lover's bliss. As people grow and evolve, so do relationships and that's not always easy. There is no telling how many times the person in that picture cried themselves to sleep over the mate they cling to in the photo. Perhaps the other couple have a rocky marriage and aren't sure things will last. For some, they've become accustomed to being the model of a perfect couple that they ignore their true problems. You may scroll to see the next duo working together to make money, but beneath the surface they've stopped hustling to improve their personal relationship with one another. It's strictly business. Is this what you would deem to be #RelationshipGoals?
We have to be careful what we brand as a goal.
Look past the surface. I'm not saying to tear up your vision board that houses a picture of what appears to be a couple in bliss. But I want to remind you that what you're seeing captured is a moment of bliss. And with the right person and sometimes the wrong person (that's a different story), we can achieve those moments. Yet, any goals set in a relationship should be a healthy relationship. These goals may include: honesty, transparency, effective communication, respect, encouragement, and accountability just to name a few. These are the goals in a relationship that a picture can't capture.
Ultimately we have to realize that no one is perfect. That means that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship because two imperfect people are involved. But when you put two imperfect people together that are willing and actively working on themselves and committed to strengthening their relationship, that's a healthy goal.
The next time you're tempted to hashtag #RelationshipGoals under that picture or post, ask yourself why would you categorize it as such. Are they inspiring you with healthy practices that you can use in your own relationship now or in the future?
Healthy Ways Online Relationships Can Inspire You:
1. Date night inspirations – Pictures and videos of other couples may inspire you to take a cooking class together, have a game night in with friends, or inspire you to go a little above and beyond for the next date.
2. Words of Encouragement – Those touching captions under their photos can inspire you to tell your significant other how you feel. You don't have to post it for the world to see, but texting your significant other a picture of the two of you with a moving message of how much you love and appreciate them is sure to put a smile on their face.
3. Financial Goals – Seeing these online couples work together and travel can inspire you to bring up the conversation of finances. Are you saving enough? Can you save a little more? If you want to travel and become a homeowner, you can learn trendy ways to save and how to accomplish these things on a budget.
Goals in a relationship start with two individual healthy people. YOU being mature, whole, and emotionally equipped are the foundations of healthy and achievable relationship goals. Just remember that no relationship is perfect and each comes with its own set of challenges. It's all about learning how to healthily prioritize instead of idolize goals within a relationship.
Featured image by Getty Images
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissions@xonecole.com.
Adrian Marcel On Purpose, Sacrifice, And The 'Signs Of Life'
In this week's episode of xoMAN, host Kiara Walker talked with R&B artist Adrian Marcel, who opened up, full of heart and authenticity, about his personal evolution. He discussed his days transitioning from a young Bay Area singer on the come-up to becoming a grounded husband and father of four.
With honesty and introspection, Marcel reflected on how life, love, and loss have shaped the man he is today.
On ‘Life’s Subtle Signals’
Much of the conversation centered around purpose, sacrifice, and listening to life’s subtle signals. “I think that you really have to pay attention to the signs of life,” Marcel said. “Because as much as we need to make money, we are not necessarily on this Earth for that sole purpose, you know what I mean?” While he acknowledged his ambitions, adding, “that is not me saying at all I’m not trying to ball out,” he emphasized that fulfillment goes deeper.
“We are here to be happy. We are here [to] fulfill a purpose that we are put on here for.”
On Passion vs. Survival
Adrian spoke candidly about the tension between passion and survival, describing how hardship can sometimes point us away from misaligned paths. “If you find it’s constantly hurting you… that’s telling you something. That’s telling you that you’re going outside of your purpose.”
Marcel’s path hasn’t been without detours. A promising athlete in his youth, he recalled, “Early on in my career, I was still doing sports… I was good… I had a scholarship.” An injury changed everything. “My femur broke. Hence why I always say, you know, I’m gonna keep you hip like a femur.” After the injury, he pivoted to explore other careers, including teaching and corporate jobs.
“It just did not get me—even with any success that happened in anything—those times, back then, I was so unhappy. And you know, to a different degree. Like not just like, ‘I really want to be a singer so that’s why I’m unhappy.’ Nah, it was like, it was not fulfilling me in any form or fashion.”
On Connection Between Pursuing Music & Fatherhood
He recalled performing old-school songs at age 12 to impress girls, then his father challenged him: “You can lie to these girls all you want, but you're really just lying to yourself. You ain't growing.” That push led him to the piano—and eventually, to his truth. “Music is my love,” Marcel affirmed. “I wouldn’t be a happy husband if I was here trying to do anything else just to appease her [his wife].”
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
Featured image by xoNecole/YouTube
Colman Domingo’s Career Advice Is A Reminder That Our Words Shape Our Reality
When it comes to life, we are always here for a good reminder to shift our mindsets, and Colman Domingo just gave us one we didn't know we needed.
In a resurfaced clip from an appearance at NewFest shared as a repost via Micheaux Film Festival, the Emmy award winner dropped a gem on how he has navigated his decades-spanning career in Hollywood. The gem in question? Well, Colman has never identified with "struggle" in his career. Let that sit.
Colman Domingo On Not Claiming Struggle
"I’ve never said that this career was tough. I’ve never said it was difficult. I’ve never said it was hard," Colman said. "Other people would say that—‘oh, you're in a very difficult industry. It's very hard to get work and book work.’ I’m like, I’ve never believed that."
Instead of allowing himself to be defined by other people's projections about their perceptions of what the industry is or was, Colman dared to believe differently even if his reality was playing catch up with his dreams:
"Like Maya Angelou said words are things. And if you believe that, then that's actually what it is. Actually I've just never believed it. Someone told me some years ago, they said, 'I remember you were, you're a struggling actor.' I'm like, 'I don't.'"
"I wasn't attached to a struggle. I was attached to living..."
He continued:
"Even when I was bartending and hustling and not having opportunities or anything, I never believed that I was struggling because I wasn't attached to a struggle. I was attached to living and creating and being curious."
Colman’s philosophy of attaching to living instead of struggle has blossomed into an enduring career. He first made his mark on stage in acclaimed Broadway productions before transitioning to the screen, where his star began to rise in the 2010s following his role as Victor Strand in Fear The Walking Dead. From there, his presence only grew, landing memorable supporting roles in If Beale Street Could Talk, Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom, and the hit series Euphoria.
In more recent years, Colman has stepped fully into the spotlight with standout leading performances in Rustin and Sing Sing, both of which earned him widespread critical acclaim and Academy Award nominations for Best Actor.
With all that said, Colman's advice is no doubt powerful, especially for those who are chasing their dreams, building something from the ground up, or have question marks about what's next in their careers. Words shape our realities, and how we speak about our journeys even in passing matters.
Words Create Our Reality & Colman Is Living Proof
"I tell young people that. To remember the words that you say about yourself and your career are true. So, I choose to make it full of light and love and it's interesting and every day I'm going to learn something new even if it looks like I don't have what I want but it's important to be in the moment... you really build on the moments moment to moment.
"And you're looking back at your career as I've been in it for what 33 years and you're like, 'Wow, that's what I've been doing.' And I've stayed strong to that so I think that is truly my advice."
Let this be your sign to give your path a reframe. When the path you're on feels uncertain, the journey is still unfolding. Like Colman said: "I wasn't attached to a struggle. I was attached to living."
That's a Black king right there.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Soul Brother/Soul B Photos/Shutterstock