On Choosing Relationship Health Over #RelationshipGoals
They hustle together, they eat together, and they post pictures on social media to let everyone know that they are exclusive. If they're even more ambitious, they might have a YouTube channel documenting it all. If you scroll down their comments you're bound to see emojis with heart eyes and the hashtag #RelationshipGoals. It looks picture perfect, right? But have you ever thought about how many pictures were taken, prior to the one they posted, that didn't make the cut? That's because some of those pictures weren't the most flattering. Just as such, they don't post the unflattering moments in their relationship.
I would be lying if I said I didn't want a partner that I could make money with, grow with in character, laugh until our stomachs hurt, lay back and listen to old school R&B on warm summer nights, and support one another. Quite frankly, that's just scratching the surface. I've watched movies such as Love & Basketball, The Holiday, and Love Jones and said, "I want a guy to express his love for me like that." In all of those movies mentioned, there were broken hearts, disappointments, and years of stagnation. I'm sure you didn't incorporate those into your relationships goals. I know I didn't.
We can't confuse happy moments with happy endings. Relationships are forever being developed. I'm sure you've heard countless times that a relationship is not a destination but a journey. It's not a resort you check-in to and live forever in lover's bliss. As people grow and evolve, so do relationships and that's not always easy. There is no telling how many times the person in that picture cried themselves to sleep over the mate they cling to in the photo. Perhaps the other couple have a rocky marriage and aren't sure things will last. For some, they've become accustomed to being the model of a perfect couple that they ignore their true problems. You may scroll to see the next duo working together to make money, but beneath the surface they've stopped hustling to improve their personal relationship with one another. It's strictly business. Is this what you would deem to be #RelationshipGoals?
We have to be careful what we brand as a goal.
Look past the surface. I'm not saying to tear up your vision board that houses a picture of what appears to be a couple in bliss. But I want to remind you that what you're seeing captured is a moment of bliss. And with the right person and sometimes the wrong person (that's a different story), we can achieve those moments. Yet, any goals set in a relationship should be a healthy relationship. These goals may include: honesty, transparency, effective communication, respect, encouragement, and accountability just to name a few. These are the goals in a relationship that a picture can't capture.
Ultimately we have to realize that no one is perfect. That means that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship because two imperfect people are involved. But when you put two imperfect people together that are willing and actively working on themselves and committed to strengthening their relationship, that's a healthy goal.
The next time you're tempted to hashtag #RelationshipGoals under that picture or post, ask yourself why would you categorize it as such. Are they inspiring you with healthy practices that you can use in your own relationship now or in the future?
Healthy Ways Online Relationships Can Inspire You:
1. Date night inspirations – Pictures and videos of other couples may inspire you to take a cooking class together, have a game night in with friends, or inspire you to go a little above and beyond for the next date.
2. Words of Encouragement – Those touching captions under their photos can inspire you to tell your significant other how you feel. You don't have to post it for the world to see, but texting your significant other a picture of the two of you with a moving message of how much you love and appreciate them is sure to put a smile on their face.
3. Financial Goals – Seeing these online couples work together and travel can inspire you to bring up the conversation of finances. Are you saving enough? Can you save a little more? If you want to travel and become a homeowner, you can learn trendy ways to save and how to accomplish these things on a budget.
Goals in a relationship start with two individual healthy people. YOU being mature, whole, and emotionally equipped are the foundations of healthy and achievable relationship goals. Just remember that no relationship is perfect and each comes with its own set of challenges. It's all about learning how to healthily prioritize instead of idolize goals within a relationship.
Featured image by Getty Images
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CB Nicole is a millennial whose passion to live a God-led life has inspired her to use her life lessons and messes to inspire others. Each unpredictable day makes for a new unpredictable journey that she's ready to conquer.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LISTÂ HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images