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10 Weird & Random Things That Can Prevent An Orgasm

If you're not seeing the mountaintop as much as you'd like, these things might be why.

Sex

Not too long ago, while having a conversation with a wife that I know about marital intimacy, she shared with me something that her husband isn't even aware of. It's two things, actually. The first is that she's been faking orgasms with him, pretty much since they met (which is close to 25 years at this point; they've been married for almost two decades). The other thing is, the only man who has been able to make her climax, is a boyfriend from back in the day; someone she still talks to from time to time (chiiiiiile).

"Shellie, when you get married, you'll see that it's not all about sex or orgasms. There are more important things to focus on." Hmph. Spoken like a woman who doesn't have orgasms, right? Yes, I agree that sex is a part of a marriage and not the entire shebang. But what I absolutely disagree with is the fact that good sex—the kind that should include mutual climaxing as much as possible—does not play a pivotal role in a couple's happiness and satisfaction.

A while back, I penned a piece entitled "Can't Climax? 10 Questions You Should Ask Yourself". If you're someone who also has a challenging time "getting there" with your partner, those questions might help you to get to the root of the matter. But before you dive into that, maybe check out this list first. Although the biggest sexual organ is our brain—which means that making sure we feel safe and secure in our relationship is paramount—there are also some semi-weird and quite random things that could be keeping you from gettin' yours as well.

1. Cycling

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Here's something to think about before you head off to your next spin class. There's a study that revealed that 7 out of 10 consistent female cyclists have either experienced pain or numbness in their vaginal region. And here's the thing—not only do both of these transpire right after they get off of the bike; they can last for up to a week. Now tell me, who do you know who has earth-shattering orgasms when they are experiencing discomfort or numbness down there? Sounds like there's no time like the present to go running or to do a little yoga instead, huh?

2. Your Diet

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You can read articles like "How To Eat Your Way To Better Sex" to discover some foods that are proven aphrodisiacs. But did you know what there are foods that can work against you climbing the walls as well? Caffeinated drinks can pose a challenge because they have the ability to make you anxious. Processed foods (like fast food) aren't the best because they can destabilize your hormones. Please push back from soy more often; it mimics estrogen (you can read more about that here and here) which can also put your hormones on a roller coaster ride. Too much sugar can affect the dopamine levels in your system, resulting in delayed orgasms or (gasp!) not having one at all (sugar can trigger vaginal dryness too). Also, while I know this is a weird one, try not to have cantaloupe every morning. It naturally contains a carbocyclic polyol called myo-inositol; in women, it can decrease testosterone levels by as much as 75 percent. Low testosterone, less orgasms.

3. Being Too Quiet

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So, what are the conversations like in your bedroom? From what I've read, 81 percent of women actually wish their partner would talk dirty too them more often. It makes sense because there is tons of data to support that that kind of communication, relaxes the body, stimulates the mind and inspires both men and women to take more sexual risks. Case in point—I know someone who absolutely loathes the word "p—sy". But when she is ready to cum, that is the main thing she wants to hear.

There's something about dirty talk that gasses us up to attempt truly great things. If your bedroom is silent or y'all are up in there talking about bills during coitus, I'm actually impressed if the orgasms are high on the shook-meter. Real talk.

4. High Heels

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On one hand, high heels can make your butt look amazing. On the other, it can cause your orgasms to tank. How in the world can that happen?

Well, when you wear your favorite pair of pumps, they tend to put stress and strain on your psoas muscles (those are muscles that are close to your spine and also line your hip and thigh bones). When they become deformed, that can hinder your body from receiving the message that orgasm arousal is taking place.

I know some of y'all are like "What the hell?!" but sometimes you've gotta make hard decisions—is it gonna be non-stop Stilettos or earth-shattering orgasms? Report in the comment section, please. I'm dying to know.

5. Not Kissing Enough

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Back when I was in college, I always found it to be, "odd" is the word I'm going to go with, whenever a woman would say to me that they were offended when a man would have sex with them without kissing them. Personally, a man wouldn't be able to get to base 2, 3 or anywhere else without a smooch session going down but, at the time, I chalked it up to youth. Then, about three months ago, I spoke with a man in his late 30s, who also said he was not big on kissing. About two sentences after that, he then boasted that he satisfies all of his partners. Eh. The jury is out on that because I haven't polled those ladies. What I do know is if he's as "bomb" as he claims, he can only make sex better if he would do more kissing—on the mouth.

Yep. Another reason why some people struggle with climaxing is because there's not enough mouth-to-mouth kissing going on. When saliva is exchanged, a boost in oxytocin occurs. When oxytocin is surging throughout our system, it stimulates and relaxes us simultaneously. And that sets the "perfect storm", as far as orgasms go.

6. Too Much Alcohol

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Alcohol is weird. On one hand, while it can get you in the mood to have sex, there are also studies which indicate that it can pose all types of barriers when it comes to how your genitalia responds to sexual stimuli. A part of the reason is because it can inhibit your central nervous system (you need that in order to have an orgasm). Another reason is because it can dehydrate you (you need to be hydrated in order to get wet). As far as guys go, alcohol can also delay ejaculation (which could be a good or bad thing, I guess).

So if, for some reason, you thought that getting drunkety drunk drunk was what you needed in order to have a great night, push the bottle back and think again. Drunken sex may start off cool, but it usually doesn't result in the kind of fireworks you're probably looking for.

7. Youth

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If you're someone who hates aging with a passion, maybe this will give you a reason to look forward to putting another candle onto next year's birthday cake. According to a medical expert who shared a study on climaxing as it relates to age, the older you get, the easier it is to have an orgasm. How easy? Reportedly, 61 percent of women between the ages of 18-24, and 65 percent of women in their 30s claim to have had an orgasm the last time they had sex. Meanwhile, a whopping 70 percent of women in their 40s and 50s did. With age comes wisdom and experience. This data confirms that that is more than just a popular saying.

8. Being a Control Freak

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OK. How many of y'all remember the early 90s movie Strictly Business? It started Halle Berry, Tommy Davidson, Samuel L. Jackson and a woman named Anne-Marie Johnson who was dating a character played by Joseph C. Philips. Anyway, there's a scene in it where Anne-Marie and Joseph were having sex and she was shouting out instructions. Literal instructions—"left…right…move…there." Ugh.

If you're a control freak in other areas of your life, there's a chance that you could be one in the bedroom. No one wants to have sex with a drill sergeant. And you know what? When you're all tense from overthinking and bossing your partner around, you significantly decrease your chances of having any real or lasting pleasure too.

9. Condoms and Lube

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By no means am I saying that you shouldn't use condoms. If you are not in a mutually exclusive relationship and both you and your partner aren't getting tested on a regular basis, you most certainly should. All I'm saying is, not every man—including Black man—in America needs a Magnum brand. In fact, since the average size of an erect penis is a little over 5", it's important for a man to know what size condom he can comfortably wear. Otherwise, the condom could be too tight, preventing him from having an orgasm or too loose, resulting in it coming off (condoms that are too thick can hinder climaxing too).

As far as lubrication goes, I'm pretty sure you know that the wetter, the better. If there's not enough foreplay for natural lubrication to flow and/or you're not bringing some other form of lubrication into the mix, not only do you decrease your chance of having an orgasm, but intercourse can become really uncomfortable as well. So yeah, make sure you're using the right condom and that there's enough lubrication.

(Oh! If you agree that your man needs a better-fitting condom, you or he can read more about how to get "sized" for one here and here.)

10. A Non-Jealous Man

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Nobody is saying that you should go out here and get a raging lunatic stalker. Please don't. But there isn't anything wrong with being with a man who keeps his guard up, just a bit, around your male associates. Don't take my word for it. There are studies to support that when men perceive other guys are potential rivals, they tend to up their sex game, just to make sure their partner is fully satisfied and stays put.

So, if your man isn't bringing the fire like you want him to, perhaps introduce him to a fine male co-worker. According to the research I've done, that just might be what he needs to get you to climaxing—over and over and over again.

Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:

This Is How You Master The Female Orgasm

Blended Orgasms Need To Be The Next To-Do On Your Sexual Hit List

What Exactly Is 'Orgasmic Meditation'?

Can't Climax? 10 Questions You Should Ask Yourself

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ACLU By ACLUSponsored

Over the past four years, we grew accustomed to a regular barrage of blatant, segregationist-style racism from the White House. Donald Trump tweeted that “the Squad," four Democratic Congresswomen who are Black, Latinx, and South Asian, should “go back" to the “corrupt" countries they came from; that same year, he called Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas," mocking her belief that she might be descended from Native American ancestors.

But as outrageous as the racist comments Trump regularly spewed were, the racially unjust governmental actions his administration took and, in the case of COVID-19, didn't take, impacted millions more — especially Black and Brown people.

To begin to heal and move toward real racial justice, we must address not only the harms of the past four years, but also the harms tracing back to this country's origins. Racism has played an active role in the creation of our systems of education, health care, ownership, and employment, and virtually every other facet of life since this nation's founding.

Our history has shown us that it's not enough to take racist policies off the books if we are going to achieve true justice. Those past policies have structured our society and created deeply-rooted patterns and practices that can only be disrupted and reformed with new policies of similar strength and efficacy. In short, a systemic problem requires a systemic solution. To combat systemic racism, we must pursue systemic equality.

What is Systemic Racism?

A system is a collection of elements that are organized for a common purpose. Racism in America is a system that combines economic, political, and social components. That system specifically disempowers and disenfranchises Black people, while maintaining and expanding implicit and explicit advantages for white people, leading to better opportunities in jobs, education, and housing, and discrimination in the criminal legal system. For example, the country's voting systems empower white voters at the expense of voters of color, resulting in an unequal system of governance in which those communities have little voice and representation, even in policies that directly impact them.

Systemic Equality is a Systemic Solution

In the years ahead, the ACLU will pursue administrative and legislative campaigns targeting the Biden-Harris administration and Congress. We will leverage legal advocacy to dismantle systemic barriers, and will work with our affiliates to change policies nearer to the communities most harmed by these legacies. The goal is to build a nation where every person can achieve their highest potential, unhampered by structural and institutional racism.

To begin, in 2021, we believe the Biden administration and Congress should take the following crucial steps to advance systemic equality:

Voting Rights

The administration must issue an executive order creating a Justice Department lead staff position on voting rights violations in every U.S. Attorney office. We are seeing a flood of unlawful restrictions on voting across the country, and at every level of state and local government. This nationwide problem requires nationwide investigatory and enforcement resources. Even if it requires new training and approval protocols, a new voting rights enforcement program with the participation of all 93 U.S. Attorney offices is the best way to help ensure nationwide enforcement of voting rights laws.

These assistant U.S. attorneys should begin by ensuring that every American in the custody of the Bureau of Prisons who is eligible to vote can vote, and monitor the Census and redistricting process to fight the dilution of voting power in communities of color.

We are also calling on Congress to pass the John Lewis Voting Rights Advancement Act to finally create a fair and equal national voting system, the cause for which John Lewis devoted his life.

Student Debt

Black borrowers pay more than other students for the same degrees, and graduate with an average of $7,400 more in debt than their white peers. In the years following graduation, the debt gap more than triples. Nearly half of Black borrowers will default within 12 years. In other words, for Black Americans, the American dream costs more. Last week, Majority Leader Chuck Schumer and Sen. Elizabeth Warren, along with House Reps. Ayanna Pressley, Maxine Waters, and others, called on President Biden to cancel up to $50,000 in federal student loan debt per borrower.

We couldn't agree more. By forgiving $50,000 of student debt, President Biden can unleash pent up economic potential in Black communities, while relieving them of a burden that forestalls so many hopes and dreams. Black women in particular will benefit from this executive action, as they are proportionately the most indebted group of all Americans.

Postal Banking

In both low and high income majority-Black communities, traditional bank branches are 50 percent more likely to close than in white communities. The result is that nearly 50 percent of Black Americans are unbanked or underbanked, and many pay more than $2,000 in fees associated with subprime financial institutions. Over their lifetime, those fees can add up to as much as two years of annual income for the average Black family.

The U.S. Postal Service can and should meet this crisis by providing competitive, low-cost financial services to help advance economic equality. We call on President Biden to appoint new members to the Postal Board of Governors so that the Post Office can do the work of providing essential services to every American.

Fair Housing

Across the country, millions of people are living in communities of concentrated poverty, including 26 percent of all Black children. The Biden administration should again implement the 2015 Affirmatively Furthering Fair Housing rule, which required localities that receive federal funds for housing to investigate and address barriers to fair housing and patterns or practices that promote bias. In 1980, the average Black person lived in a neighborhood that was 62 percent Black and 31 percent white. By 2010, the average Black person's neighborhood was 48 percent Black and 34 percent white. Reinstating the Obama-era Fair Housing Rule will combat this ongoing segregation and set us on a path to true integration.

Congress should also pass the American Housing and Economic Mobility Act, or a similar measure, to finally redress the legacy of redlining and break down the walls of segregation once and for all.

Broadband Access

To realize broadband's potential to benefit our democracy and connect us to one another, all people in the United States must have equal access and broadband must be made affordable for the most vulnerable. Yet today, 15 percent of American households with school-age children do not have subscriptions to any form of broadband, including one-quarter of Black households (an additional 23 percent of African Americans are “smartphone-only" internet users, meaning they lack traditional home broadband service but do own a smartphone, which is insufficient to attend class, do homework, or apply for a job). The Biden administration, Federal Communications Commission, and Congress must develop and implement plans to increase funding for broadband to expand universal access.

Enhanced, Refundable Child Tax Credits

The United States faces a crisis of child poverty. Seventeen percent of all American children are impoverished — a rate higher than not just peer nations like Canada and the U.K., but Mexico and Russia as well. Currently, more than 50 percent of Black and Latinx children in the U.S. do not qualify for the full benefit, compared to 23 percent of white children, and nearly one in five Black children do not receive any credit at all.

To combat this crisis, President Biden and Congress should enhance the child tax credit and make it fully refundable. If we enhance the child tax credit, we can cut child poverty by 40 percent and instantly lift over 50 percent of Black children out of poverty.

Reparations

We cannot repair harms that we have not fully diagnosed. We must commit to a thorough examination of the impact of the legacy of chattel slavery on racial inequality today. In 2021, Congress must pass H.R. 40, which would establish a commission to study reparations and make recommendations for Black Americans.

The Long View

For the past century, the ACLU has fought for racial justice in legislatures and in courts, including through several landmark Supreme Court cases. While the court has not always ruled in favor of racial justice, incremental wins throughout history have helped to chip away at different forms of racism such as school segregation ( Brown v. Board), racial bias in the criminal legal system (Powell v. Alabama, i.e. the Scottsboro Boys), and marriage inequality (Loving v. Virginia). While these landmark victories initiated necessary reforms, they were only a starting point.

Systemic racism continues to pervade the lives of Black people through voter suppression, lack of financial services, housing discrimination, and other areas. More than anything, doing this work has taught the ACLU that we must fight on every front in order to overcome our country's legacies of racism. That is what our Systemic Equality agenda is all about.

In the weeks ahead, we will both expand on our views of why these campaigns are crucial to systemic equality and signal the path this country must take. We will also dive into our work to build organizing, advocacy, and legal power in the South — a region with a unique history of racial oppression and violence alongside a rich history of antiracist organizing and advocacy. We are committed to four principles throughout this campaign: reconciliation, access, prosperity, and empowerment. We hope that our actions can meet our ambition to, as Dr. King said, lead this nation to live out the true meaning of its creed.

What you can do:
Take the pledge: Systemic Equality Agenda
Sign up

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