Back in the day, I did a bit of modeling. That's how I found out that I had an hourglass shape. But, in comparison to my mom and a few of the other women in my family, although my breasts are big, waist is relatively small (especially when I exercise) and my hips are wide, my butt isn't exactly huge. It's a pretty nice size, but if I were a body-obsessed kind of person (or even if I had social media accounts), I could see why getting a butt enhancement would at least cross my mind.
I'll tell y'all what, though. After watching a roughly 18-minute BBC documentary about a 23-year-old Black woman who wanted to get a BBL (Brazilian Butt Lift), hearing about all of the risks (did you know that it's the deadliest cosmetic procedure, period?) and also hearing a Black female doctor say, "Black women are becoming a modern-day caricature of themselves"—I'm glad that I am at peace with my shape. It's not all I want it to be but it's healthy, it's mine and it's just what God gave me.
Related: Celebrities Are Getting Real About Their Health Issues From Illegal Butt Injections
Besides, it's not like we're all supposed to look like human Barbie dolls (which are totally anatomically incorrect) or that we're even supposed to be the same body type (there are around 12 different kinds, by the way). Also, on the days when I want my butt to have a little extra "umph" to it, it's not like there aren't some cosmetic-free tricks that I can pull out of my bag.
If a bigger (or rounder or fuller) butt is something you struggle with having, before shelling out $5,000—or worse, putting your life at risk—how about testing some of these suggestions? See if they can give you (at least a little bit more of) the kind of butt that you want.
Make Sure the Fabric Stretches
Some of my favorite pants have spandex in them. No, they're not biker shorts (I've never owned a pair of those) but my yoga pants, some of my Old Navy jeans and faux pleather pants from Fashion Nova are all made up of at least 30-40 percent spandex. They're what make my pants comfortably fit and hug all of my curves. And yes, that automatically makes my butt appear fuller.
Watch Back Pocket Placement
GiphyThere's an ex-boyfriend of mine who used to say that a lot of white women have "tricky booties". What the heck is that? According to him, some of them appear to have bigger butts than they actually do, thanks to the placement of the back pockets on their jeans. He's actually on to something. Small pockets with high placements can provide the illusion that there's more going on "back there" than there might actually be.
Rock a Thong
I hate panty lines. Full stop. But if you're someone who never really cared about what your underwear looks like underneath your clothing, here's some food for thought. The lines that your panties provide draw attention to the look and size of your derriere. If you wear a thong (at least on the days when you're wearing something tight), no lines will show. It keeps outfits from looking tacky or cheap. It can make your butt look bigger too.
Try Horizontal Color-Blocking
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Color-blocking continues to be a pretty big trend. But have you ever paid close attention to how the blocks can make your body look? If you want to appear thinner, vertical blocking tends to do the trick. But if you want your butt to look fuller, the last thing you should do is wear vertical lines in the back. You're much better off by putting on a skirt or dress that has one color from the thigh up and a different color—one that is positioned horizontally—from the thigh down.
Go with Light at the Top and Dark at the Bottom
If color-blocking isn't particularly your thing, another way to give an optical illusion when it comes to your lower half is to wear lightly colored clothing at the top and darker hues on the bottom. Another way to make this work is to wear solid colors up top and patterns down at the bottom.
Pay Attention to Waist-to-Hip Ratio
Something that I'm personally not the biggest fan of is pants that have a high waist. They just don't feel very comfortable to me. But if you want to make your hips and butt appear bigger, that's exactly what you need to be looking for because high-waisted clothing pulls your waist in so that more of a focus is put on your lower half. Another benefit that comes with going this route is when a pair of pants or a skirt has a high waist, that makes it possible for people to see the entire shape and curve of your butt when they are walking behind you.
Buy a Couple of Light Blue Jeans
Speaking of slimming yourself down, you probably know that dark hues are what can help to take a couple of pounds off. That's why it should make total sense that if you wanted your butt to look smaller, dark blue (or black) jeans can make that happen. If you want your butt to look bigger, light blue jeans are your better bet (I can totally vouch for this).
Put on a Pair of Yoga Pants
There used to be a time when yoga pants were only for working out. Whatever. I've got about six pairs at this point that I rock about as much as my jeans. They're cute. They're comfortable. They smooth out any small bumps or dimples and they're really good at toning your body. If you don't own a pair, do your butt—and the rest of your body—a favor and cop at least two or three. You won't regret it. I promise you that.
Tote a Smaller Purse
GiphyMy absolute favorite purse is an oversized khaki green hobo bag that I got on Etsy. I adore it so much that I'll take the smaller-looking butt in exchange for lugging it around any day of the week. But I did read, a few times, that another way to appear to have a bigger butt is if you carry a smaller purse. I guess I get it. If the purse has a strap, it's gonna probably hang right around the hips and if we're holding a clutch, our hands are oftentimes in the same place. So, if the purse is small, it'll make the region that it's around seem larger.
Wear Heels
When you look at the chicks that are on Fashion Nova ads and modeling on IG, when they want to draw attention to their backside (and you can always tell when that's the case), what do they usually have on? Yep. A pair of heels!
There are a few reasons why heels work in your favor in this way. First, just by putting them on, your posture automatically improves. The second thing is heels are able to elongate your legs. Another benefit is heels have a way of causing us to push our breasts up and our butt out. Heels can work even more to your advantage if you're wearing them with something pleated, an A-line or flared skirt or anything that is above the knee.
Try at least three of these tips and stand in front of a full-length mirror. Then turn around and look at how your butt looks. I'd be shocked if you didn't notice a semi-major improvement. And the best thing about them is, they were cheap and pain-free. Oh, and you didn't have to put your life in jeopardy in the process. A major win, if you ask me.
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2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
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The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
GIF by Kim's ConvenienceGiphyWhereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
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1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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