Orgasms have always fascinated me. I’m totally unapologetic about it, too, because anyone who has ever experienced one before (especially a full-body one) gets that if there’s one thing that is borderline inexplicably delightful, satisfying, and worth having as much as possible in this semi-short and very precious life, an orgasm would be it.
That’s basically why I enjoy doing my due diligence when it comes to researching as much as I can about them and then sharing my discoveries with cyberspace. For instance, some current statistics on climaxing include the fact that over 80 percent of women do not orgasm from intercourse alone (that number looks to have increased a bit; some say it’s due to the constant use of vibrators…hmm); almost 60 percent of women have faked an orgasm; on average, it takes a woman 14 minutes to climax with a partner while only eight minutes whenever a woman masturbates; 43 percent of women have had multiple orgasms (40 percent say that weed consumption helped to make that possible), and between 5-10 percent of women have never experienced an orgasm before.
What Age Do Women Experience the Best Orgasms?
Know what else I discovered while reading up on the topic? That there’s a certain age demographic who experiences the best that orgasms have to offer. And honestly, the answer just might surprise you.
Drum Roll, Please…
GiphyOkay, so let’s get right down to it, shall we? I will say that, before I reveal what a pretty popular survey shared about orgasms and age, I do think that we need to keep in mind that the study surrounds the quality and not so much the quantity of climaxing. In other words, the operative word here is “best” which means “the highest quality” orgasm. That said, what age seems to experience the most of those?
36. Well, technically, it’s 36 and up.
Are you shocked, or does that make complete and total sense to you? Personally, reflecting on that age reminded me of an article that I once read on Fast Company’s website entitled, “How none of us are really adults until we turn 36.” It’s a relatively quick read about how someone came to the conclusion that after speaking with a whopping 500,000 people and coming to the ultimate conclusion that the 20s are about taking their training wheels off — the early 30s through 35 are about achieving professional success and 36 “is the age where there is a chance to review core beliefs, expand our horizons and feel empowered about our future.”
If this is indeed the case, then our sex life — and more specifically, our orgasms — peaking around this same time seems on par…right? Fascinating.
Here’s Why It’s That Age for the Win
GiphyThe thing that I really appreciate about surveys like this is it proves what I say to some of the couples who I work with when they try and act like having an active, consistent, and highly creative sex life has some sort of expiration date on it like a carton of milk. Y’all have no idea how many sexless married people will try and deflect from their issues by acting like only folks who are a step up from having their driver’s license want to have sex at least a couple of times a week — when that couldn’t be further from the truth.
Thankfully, I know quite a few married couples who have a really healthy and active sex life, and there is much intel, even outside of this survey, that reveals that sex and wine have quite a bit in common when it comes to the “it just gets better with time” saying.
Matter of fact, something else that the survey revealed is women who fit into the demographic of 23 and younger and 23-36 not only don’t have the best quality orgasms (overall), but they also experience them the least often.
Why is that? There are actually a few determining factors.
For starters, there’s a greater chance that the older women are, the more likely it is that they are married or in long-term relationships, and there is also plenty of data out here to support the fact that serious relationships typically come with better sex lives attached to them.
Another reason is that as women mature, they are able to figure out what their sexual wants and needs are and how to better articulate them. In other words, they don’t play around when it comes to their sexual satisfaction; they are bold about speaking up.
Something else that plays a very valid role is the fact that sexual maturity oftentimes brings along with it a heightened level of sexual confidence (check out “10 Sensuous Ways To Boost Your Sexual Self-Esteem”) — and since the biggest sex organ continues to be the brain, it also makes sense that the better you feel about yourself, yes sexually, the easier it is to give and receive sexual pleasure on a myriad of different levels.
What Makes Something That’s Already Great…THE BEST?
GiphyWhile working on a different assignment, I interviewed a few married couples about what they think is the biggest mistake people make when it comes to sex. Something that several husbands and wives said was they thought that the last approach that should be taken is “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” because that can end up making you very sexually lazy…and that leads to predictability…which can lead to boredom...which can ultimately lead to resentment…and that can lead to a less-than-impressive-if-existent-at-all sex life.
One husband: “I don’t care how much praise my wife may give me after a session. My goal is to always top myself, no matter what. That has been my mindset for almost 20 years now. I keep looking for new locations, new positions, new sex items — sex only gets old to people who are lazy about it.”
One wife: “The best orgasms that I’ve had with my husband is when I’ve felt like we’re totally in sync. That requires communication, and that includes choosing the right time to discuss certain things. It also always means that you need to be more focused on pleasing your partner than what they need to do to please you…because if you both are wired that way, no one is going to come up short.”
Definitely pearls of wisdom to keep in mind if your mission is not to just have more orgasms but some of the BEST ones ever. And that brings me to a few physical hacks that women, of every age, should try.
5 Tips for Having (Even) Better Orgasms
GiphySo, what if you’re someone who has orgasms fairly often and easily, yet you’re always wondering if the quality of them could be better? If so, here are five tips:
1. Massage the lower abdominal area. There are certain sexual pressure points that you have that have nothing to do with your genitalia. One of them happens to be your lower abdominal region. As I touched on in the article, “Feelin' On These Pressure Points Will Give You The Best Sex Of Your Life,” getting massaged right underneath your belly button can relax you and intensify your orgasms at the same time (so can your partner mildly pushing down on that area prior to intimacy too).
2. Drink some milk (alternative) and saffron. If you’re looking for yet one more reason to kick traditional milk to the curb, consider your sex drive. More studies are coming out that consuming it will throw your hormones off, which could affect/infect your libido. However, if you consume a milk alternative like almond, oat, or cashew and then add some saffron to it, it could do your sex drive a lot of good. Saffron is a spice that’s loaded with antioxidants that help to calm your nerves, increase vaginal lubrication in women, and decrease erectile dysfunction in men. So yeah…drink up!
3. Make your clitoris tingle (before time). If your partner still struggles with locating your G-spot, a hack that works for many is for him to put a bit of lubrication on his index finger before putting it inside of you, facing up. Then, if he moves his finger in a “come hither” way, he should be able to feel the tiny lil’ walnut (your spot). That gets the tingling going on the inside. As far as the outside goes, Tingle to Mingle is a lubricant that many rave about. The name lets you know exactly what it sets out to do. Pick up a bottle, and please report back. #wink
4. Quickies in the a.m. Full sessions in the p.m. These days, we use the word “pregaming” for just about everything. And yes, it can apply when it comes to sex — more specifically, quickies. Why? Well, even if you’re someone who prefers all-out sex sessions, quickies can be seen as a form of edging…and edging can get you so excited about sex that it can make round two (or five) that much more pleasurable later on.
So, don’t feel like bending over while you’re brushing your teeth is robbing you of anything. You can get a quick orgasm there…one that will hold you over until you can get multiple (and longer) ones later!
5. Never underestimate morning sex. The reality is that a lot of people prefer sex at night because it’s the most convenient for them; that doesn’t mean that any of us should underestimate morning sex, though. Aside from the fact that it’s a solid de-stressor and a great way to boost energy and concentration levels, because both estrogen and testosterone levels are at their peak in the morning hours, morning sex can also intensify your orgasms on a billion different levels too.
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Welp. There you have it. No matter what those 20-somethings on TikTok may be talkin’ about, if you’re in your mid-30s (or up), chances are, you can school them on sexual satisfaction on a few levels. And now you’ve got something beyond (hopefully) your own personal experience to prove it. #winkagain
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Whew, please hear me when I say that, no matter how much you love someone, if you say “I do” without addressing (and hopefully resolving) these issues before jumping somebody’s broom, you could be in for a really unpleasant marital experience…if not divorce court up the road.
And speaking of divorce, although it’s not discussed nearly enough, believe it or not, there are also things that should be considered divorce red flags — also glaring warning signs that you are about to blow up your union, if you don’t gather yourself together, talk to your partner (and, if need be a marriage therapist, counselor or life coach) and work to get things back on track.
After over 20 years of working with married couples, some of which were right on the brink of calling it quits, here are six of the consistent divorce red flags that I’ve noticed — along with a bit of advice on how to effectively handle them…so that you don’t end up ending your marriage, when there wasn’t a reason to.
1. Impatience
GiphyI promise you, with everything in me, I don’t get — not really — why impatient people get married. There are a billion-and-one reasons why it baffles me; however, we can start with Scripture telling us that “love is patient” (I Corinthians 13:4) and, as I’ve shared in other articles, patience isn’t just about knowing how to wait well, it’s also about “bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like.” Please tell me that you really caught that second one because it clearly says that patient people are able to deal with things like annoyances and hardships by remaining calm and without complaining.
Now, be real — how many people do you know, married or not, who act like this? And yet, again, the Good Book pretty much says that this is one definition of what it means to truly love other individuals: you can deal with challenging times in a steady and mature fashion. And this is why I can’t think of one client who will tell you that I am not a big fan of people worshipping the god of happiness.
What I mean by that is — how many times have you watched a post on social media (shoot, probably today alone) where someone has said that they left their marriage because “I’m just not happy anymore”? SMDH. Some people aren’t going to want to hear this, but only children should expect to be happy all of the time — and even they need to be taught just how unrealistic that is. Where the big kids play is getting that HEALTHY should always trump HAPPY — and the people who truly grasp this concept, they tend to be better at being patient than those who think that everything should be about their happiness darn near every minute of every day.
While we’re here, what are some other signs of being an impatient individual (who is usually unhappy most of the time)?
- They always want things done in their time
- They use pressure, stress, and ultimatums to get things done
- They get frustrated whenever things don’t go as planned (which means they are inflexible)
- They constantly cut people off in conversations (which means that they don’t listen well)
- They don’t know how to relax and be in the moment
And this is just five signs, chile. Anyway, the reason why this tops the list of being a divorce red flag is because, if you’re thinking about ending your marriage because you don’t know to deal with disappointments or challenges or you think that your spouse should move in your timeframe, not only do you have some tremendously unrealistic beliefs about marriage but you do about humanity, in general. Not only that, but leaving your husband, just to get with someone else? That isn’t really going to change things.
Hmph. Let me tell it, the reason why 67 percent of second marriages and 74 percent of third ones also end in divorce is because people don’t take the saying “everywhere you go, there you are” seriously and literally enough. In other words — if you’re impatient with the partner you have now and you don’t make some changes within yourself about your issues with impatience, you will be the same way with the next guy…and the next…and the next.
Divorcing because you don’t know how to wait well and/or deal with things not always going how you would like? That is a serious divorce red flag.
2. Making Comparisons
GiphyI’m pretty sure you’ve heard the quote by Theodore Roosevelt that says, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” What that basically means is if you are caught up in looking at what others are doing or what others have, it can rob you of finding pleasure, contentment and satisfaction in your own life — and when you stop to think about the fact that the internet/social media didn’t even exist at the time that he said this…whew.
When it comes to the impact that the World Wide Web has on people, one study says that social media causes 90 percent of women and 60 percent of men to compare themselves to what they see online; not only that, but 40 percent of those same people say that it affects them in a negative way. Another study? It states that social media content plays a direct role in individuals having low self-esteem, while another study revealed that 88 percent of women said that their body image was impacted by what they see on social media. And y’all, still another study cited that 75 percent of folks assessed their self-worth by what they saw online. Geeze.
If you take all of this in and then add to it the fact that some studies say that one in seven marriages say that social media played a direct role in their divorce — although there used to be a time when folks were needing to be intentional about not comparing themselves to their relatives, friends and co-workers, now they need to avoid doing it with the hundreds of people who they are able to access online on a daily basis too.
That said, I don’t care how big someone’s engagement ring is, how many trips certain couples go on or how someone speaks about their partner — everyone’s relationship is different and unique and it is pretty close to ridiculous to participate in self-sabotaging behavior by creating problems in your marriage simply because you wish it was more like someone else’s.
If there are things that you genuinely want to do or accomplish, then get with your spouse and start making some plans; however, if your core motivation is to keep up with other people, actually, that is low-key a form of being unfaithful to your own relationship because you are putting so much energy into what other folks have going on that you are neglecting the man who is right in the bed with you. And yeah, that ain’t good.
3. Unforgivingness
GiphySomeone else who has no business getting married — people who are stubborn when it comes to forgiving other people. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say that it is rooted in complete delusion and/or egomania to think that people should give you grace and mercy when you’ve done wrong and yet you believe that can and even should weaponize forgiveness when it comes time for individuals to receive it from you.
What are some signs that you suck at forgiving other people?
- You constantly live in the past or bring it up (once it’s been addressed)
- You hold people’s faults over them like it’s a power trip
- You hold grudges for days and weeks on end
- You lack empathy and compassion (as if you don’t have faults as well)
- You keep trying to make people “pay” for what they have done
- You punish them by withholding engagement or intimacy (if it’s your spouse) from them
- You’re bitter
And yet, I can’t tell you how many times that a person has told me that they are ready to end their marriage because they told their spouse beforehand that if they did something ONE TIME, they were out — only for life to humble them by them doing that very thing and then begging for their partner to pardon them for it.
And if the first thing that some of you want to jump to is infidelity — first of all, reportedly only 20 percent of men and 13 percent of women, so this obsession with that topic really needs to cease. Besides, if you aren’t a good forgiver, things like your man hurting your feelings by not keeping a date, and you holding onto that? That can cause you to feel resentful over time which can make you want to make literal mountains out of molehills when it comes to other things that he does…things that wouldn’t be as big of a deal in your mind if you had let the original offense — which sometimes isn’t even an offense, it’s just a disappointment — go.
Some people aren’t going to want to hear this, and yet, still, it needs to be said: A lot of people end up divorcing, and it’s not because of abuse or cheating or anything as extreme. It’s because they leave very little room for error when it comes to their partner (which is unrealistic as hell) and so, since they aren’t good at forgiving, they don’t know how to handle it whenever someone makes a mistake (or a poor decision) — and so, they would rather leave than figure out how to heal the situation by forgiving their partner as their partner seeks a way to make things right.
And those people? They are never going to be in a healthy long-term relationship because the reality is that humans are fallible and will always need to be forgiven — ALL HUMANS (including oneself). People who don’t accept this, they are the unforgiving types who are a constant example of a divorce red flag.
4. Selfishness
GiphyI ain’t gonna lie — the times when I do tiptoe out into social media to see what folks are talking about and I watch even five minutes of relationship-related content, the first thing that comes to my mind is a whole lot of people are not emotionally mature enough for marriage, just by their selfishness alone. By definition, to be selfish is to be self-consumed and anyone who is consistently concerned about what they can get out of a relationship without even considering another individual — they are selfish. Not to mention the fact that Scripture shows us how to love and care for other people, especially our spouse:
"Love is not rude, is not selfish, and does not get upset with others. Love does not count up wrongs that have been done." (I Corinthians 13:5-NCV)
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." (Philippians 2:3-4-NIV)
Did you catch it? If you truly love someone, you won’t be selfish, and if you want to show someone how much you care for them, selfish ambition cannot come into play. What this means is you’ve got to operate from a place of humility and be willing to take their own needs, wants, and interests into consideration.
Sometimes, when I’m in a session with a couple, all I hear is selfishness coming out, whether it’s from one or both sides. It’s not that they don’t still love each other. It’s not that they regret getting married. No, what they are struggling with is they either thought that marriage was going to be about their needs taking precedent most of the time or that they didn’t seriously consider the fact that, sometimes, they would need to put their own desires on hold for the betterment of their partner and oftentimes the relationship overall.
You know, when I recently read an article on some of the traits of a selfish person, three that stood out to me were that selfish people hate to compromise, selfish people put their wants above anything else, and selfish people don’t care about other people’s feelings. And these are the kinds of people who file for divorce on a daily basis — and that is both childish and sad.
Another thing to keep in mind about selfishness is it tends to be supremely self-centered — this presents itself as folks who are “good” at dominating conversations, skirting around accountability and responsibility and refusing to put themselves in other people’s shoes…and oftentimes, it takes a spouse “putting up a mirror” to their partner to show them that they are exactly this way.
If you just read all of this and you low-key feel triggered by it, ponder if what you currently think “isn’t working” about your marriage is more about you being more selfish than you should be. Because if you don’t learn that lesson in this relationship, you’ll just keep self-sabotaging other ones along the way — romantic ones especially, because no one really wants to be with someone who only focuses on themselves. Not for the long haul, anyway
5. A Lack of Research
GiphySeveral years back, I penned an article for the platform entitled, “What Some People Regret About Their Divorce.” You know, one of the things that I absolutely loathe about how people date these days is they think that boyfriends are husbands, girlfriends are wives, and break-ups are divorces — and that is why so many people don’t really get the weight of what marriage and ending one really is. SMDH.
And that’s why, it doesn’t surprise me in the least that one study says one-third of people who divorce end up regretting doing it. I say that because, just like not nearly enough people get into premarital counseling before saying “I do” (check out “Why You Should Strongly Consider Premarital Counseling BEFORE Getting Engaged”), not enough married couples “get their oil changed” at least a couple of times a year by speaking with a reputable marriage counselor, therapist or life coach and definitely not enough will see one of these professionals before ending their union. And because of this, people make ignorant and/or rash, and/or emotionally charged decisions without really thinking about the fallout that can come from them.
For starters, did you know that more heart attacks happen to divorced men than non-divorced men? Meanwhile, women who’ve been divorced two or more times increase their risk of having a heart attack by a whopping 77 percent. In fact, people who get divorced are reportedly 20 percent more likely to experience health-related issues overall. Divorce also tends to lead to a significant increase in depression and anxiety, and there are all kinds of ways that it can jack up your finances, including taxes, assets, and retirement.
When it comes to what divorce can do to children, there is plenty of data out here that says it can lead to them having significant emotional issues, problems in school and it increases their chances of having substance abuse issues later down the road (and that’s just the tip of the iceberg of what it can do).
Can you survive a divorce if you get one? Sure you can. All I’m saying is, before you just “up and get one” — don’t let two random posts from some random ranters on Instagram have you out here thinking that it’s “no biggie” to divorce when it absolutely is. Do some thorough research into what the consequences of ending your marriage will be; treat it like it’s a dissertation. Folks who don’t take this advice — have mercy are they ignoring a HUGE divorce red flag.
6. Emotional Immaturity
GiphyLast one. Some people? Some of them are too emotionally immature for marriage or even a romantic relationship, in general. And what are some signs of emotional immaturity? Good question.
- Emotionally immature people don’t know how to control their emotions
- Emotionally immature people deflect and make excuses whenever they are called out
- Emotionally immature people hit below the belt during conflict
- Emotionally immature people constantly want to be the center of attention
- Emotionally immature people pout and/or throw temper tantrums
- Emotionally immature people rarely, if ever, self-reflect
- Emotionally immature people constantly deflect whenever topics make them uncomfortable
- Emotionally immature people are inconsistent and unpredictable
- Emotionally immature people tend to be passive-aggressive and/or defensive a lot of the time
- Emotionally immature people absolutely suck at listening because they only want to be heard
A while back, I watched a Tubi movie entitled What Fairytale? Boy, talk about some emotionally immature (and highly selfish) married folks. SMDH. Speaking of, a really good movie that’s currently loaded up on there as well is calledParachute — and boy, is it a big bright light about what it looks like to be codependent and in a relationship. Lawd.
My point of mentioning both of these films is, in their own way, they show what happens when one or two people are so emotionally immature (perhaps without even knowing it) that they have this Disney perception of marriage to the point where they make reckless and/or entitled and/or childish and/or impulsive and/or even ridiculous decisions about their relationship when that they really should do is do some self-reflecting and then get the professional help and support that they need to see and handle their marriage from a more mature and evolved space.
Emotionally immature folks? There probably isn’t a bigger divorce red flag than this one.
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I’ve been working with married couples for a long time, y’all, with an emphasis on reconciling divorces. And you know what? Something that I’ve realized is that a ton of marriages can be saved when people 1) recognize divorce red flags when they see them and 2) get that divorce is a very serious decision that has a truly lasting impact…on all parties involved.
It can’t be said enough that a red flag is a warning. Today is a warning that you could be considering a divorce when you really shouldn’t be. If you see these red flags, talk to your spouse, hit up a professional, and get around some healthy married people.
Never ignore red flags. Address them. It can — and typically does — spare you. A LOT.
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