10 Sensuous Ways To Boost Your Sexual Self-Esteem
Although self-esteem is the kind of topic that you've probably read quite a bit about over the years, be honest—when's the last time you checked out an article that was totally devoted to developing your sexual self-esteem? I was inspired to do this because, one day, while a client was sharing with me a series of poor sexual encounters she experienced, I asked her if she felt that she loved herself. She didn't even pause before she responded with an emphatic, "Yes! I love myself a lot." I paused before saying, "How can that be when you chose such unhealthy partners?" She was dead silent for about a minute.
I know a lot of us don't want to face the reality that who we chose to date, have sex with and/or love says a lot about how we feel about ourselves and what we think we deserve, but ignoring the facts doesn't make them any less relevant or true. I can speak from very up close and personal experience that the more you strengthen, not just your overall self-esteem but your confidence as it directly relates to you and your sexuality, the more you'll make wiser decisions and, the better your sexual experiences will actually become. Are you ready to learn some specific ways to take your sexual self-esteem to a higher level? I've got 10 for ya.
10 Ways To Boost Your Sexual Self-Confidence
1. Look At Yourself Naked. Every Day.
I don't care what kind of impression the media tries to give you, as a marriage life coach, I can personally vouch for the fact that we as women tend to be way more critical of our bodies than men are; especially the men who are in committed relationships with us. Shoot, most of them are so excited, just to have the privilege and pleasure of being able to "partake" that they are not nearly as nit-picky about breast and booty size, "rolls" or stretch marks.
So, where do we get all of our judgment from? First of all, I don't know if anyone is more self-critical, by nature than the female species. Then, if you add to that, comparing ourselves to other women, looking at social media pics that have filters on them, and, forgetting the fact that a lot of celebrities have a cosmetic surgeon on speed dial—the fantasy of "perfection" can keep us from celebrating the reality of how we were designed, by our Creator, to be.
That's why I say the first thing that all women should do is make a point and purpose to look at themselves naked every day. I don't mean that fast glance you take when you're getting out of the shower. I mean, intentionally staring at yourself, in a full-length mirror, while verbally declaring how beautiful and fabulous you are. Take it up a notch by shouting out all of the things that make you distinctively you. If you're not used to doing this, it might feel weird or silly at first, but I promise you—the more you get used to affirming your body, the more confident you'll become and, the more comfortable you'll be whether you're having sex in the dark or—as a lot of men prefer it—in the light.
2. Conduct a Vaginal Self-Exam
I must admit that, it kind of floors me, just how many women have no idea what their vagina looks like. I mean, if you do any kind of DIY pubic hair maintenance, doesn't that automatically require that you get an up-close-and-very-personal view? Either way, for the sake of being proactive about your genital health and well-being, and so you can get more accustomed to your "lady parts", it's also a good idea to conduct a vaginal self-exam, at least once a month. On the health tip, it can get you used to what your vulva and vagina look like so that you can stay on top of any potential abnormalities. Sexually, well, if you are familiar with all that goes on down there, it can make it that much easier to give your partner a guided tour ("Why You Should Give Yourself A 'Vaginal Self-Exam'"). Feel me?
3. Take More Baths
Over in xoNecole world, we like taking baths so much that we've got articles like "Did You Know There's A Right & A Wrong Way To Take A Bath?", "5 Detox Baths For Ultimate Relaxation & Tranquility" and "Make 'National Bathtub Party Day' Your Favorite Day Of The Year" posted up on our site. We publish these types of pieces because baths are dope on so many different levels. They help to calm and relax us. They can boost our immunity while improving our heart health. They are even able to balance our hormones while moisturizing our skin. As far as our sexual self-esteem is concerned, soaking in a tub that contains essential oils and rose petals in it as we listen to some soft music and sip on a glass of red wine—does anything feel more feminine than that?
I recently watched some members of the All Def Digital team talk about all of the reasons why they would prefer to shower over taking a bath (you can listen to it here; it starts at the 49:46 mark). Personally, whenever people talk about floating in their own dirt, I always wonder, "Unless you've been sweating out in the sun all day or working out, how dirty are you?" But anyway, whether you hop right into the tub or you take a shower and then a bath, do your body and your sexual self-image a favor and treat yourself to a tub soak, at least once a week. There is something that is inexplicably sexy about doing it. There really is.
4. Sex Journal (More Often)
A part of the purpose of journaling, in general, is to recall certain memories and to gain some clarity about what you remember. This is why I'm such a fan of sexual journaling. Whether you're trying to figure out why you choose the partners that you do, how to come up with some sexual deal-breakers (which everyone should have, by the way), how to break some unhealthy patterns, or even what you like and dislike about foreplay, sex and afterplay, setting aside 30-45 minutes, once a week, to do nothing but sex journal can be another way to elevate your sexual self-esteem. Because when you see things clearly, you move…differently. (You can check out "The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)" for more of a breakdown on all of this.)
5. “Dress Up” Underneath
Lord. Before even getting into buying yourself some nice underwear, you might want to read "When Should You Replace Underwear, Make-Up, Bedding, Washcloths & Towels?", just to make sure you ain't been slippin' when it comes to getting some new stuff. One thing I am grateful that my mother ingrained in me is the importance of "dressing up" underneath. What I mean by that is, she was always saying, "A woman's underwear needs to be just as beautiful as the rest of her clothes, even if no one sees it but her." I've been abstinent for many years now, but I still make sure that my undergarment game is on point. And you know what? Doing so does have a way of making me feel pretty sexy. It also gives me the feeling that I've got a seductive secret going on, even if I'm rocking nothing more than a T-shirt and some jeans. (In fact, that's often when I'm wearing the sexiest kind of bra and panties!)
6. Recall Your Best Sexual Memories. “Burn” the Others.
Unfortunately, it's a proven fact that our minds automatically lean towards negativity. That's why, it doesn't surprise me in the least that, whenever I listen to people talk about their sexual past, oftentimes it's the not-so-good stuff that they typically focus on. While, on one hand, it can be helpful to think back to what you did (or who you picked) that you would and wouldn't do (or pick) again, if you only dwell on the "bad", not only could it cause you to overlook the good but it could taint or even jade your overall sexual perspective.
Keeping this in mind, that's why I think it's a good idea to take out a couple hours to actually recall your best sexual memories and jot them down. Reflect on what made them good, how those moments made you feel and why they rank so high to you. Next, ponder the compliments that you've been given, not just when it comes to your performance, but your overall appeal too. Recalling all of the good stuff has a way of making the not-that-great pale in comparison while it helps you to keep your memories in balance. Oh, and as far as the negative stuff, try to not give all of that a lot of energy. Whenever I'm ready to let something go, sometimes what I'll do is to write down what it is and why it's time to release it on a piece of paper; then I burn it. While that doesn't make the recollections go away forever, it is an exercise that lets me feel like I've gotten some of my power back. And that is a confidence booster, on a whole 'nother level, chile.
7. Share Your Sexual Needs with Your Partner (Beforehand)
There are a lot of ways to settle in relationships; let me share one that isn't discussed nearly as much as it should be—the women who go into sex being more concerned about whether they will please their partner than if their partner will be capable of pleasing them in return. And because this is the mindset that they are in, when they happen to be displeased—or, at the very least, not impressed—and then suppress or internalize their emotions (and desires), it can cause them to wonder if their own sexual needs and wants even matter. And that? That can put a real toll on one's sexual self-esteem.
That's why I'm such a huge advocate of couples sharing what their sexual expectations are before engaging in sex together for the first time. Hey, great sex is simply another form of good communication. How fair is it to expect someone to "get you there" if you're not even open to discussing what that requires beforehand? Sexually confident women already know that this is essential. Therefore, they do it without an apology or hesitation.
8. Cultivate Sexual Rituals
Some people are freaked out by the word "ritual", but they shouldn't be. If you go to church every weekend, that's a ritual. In context, a ritual is about a procedure that a religion practices or it's about creating your own type of ceremony. So, when I speak of creating sexual rituals, I simply mean doing things that help you to center in on your sexuality and its power. It could be engaging in some erotic self-focus. It could be meditating alone before participating in sex. It could be intentionally creating the right ambiance and mood for coitus to transpire.
It could be adorning yourself with oils that will relax you and lingerie that will make you feel alluring and exquisite. It could be turning on some sexy music and sitting in silence as the grooves take you in. Whatever it is, just make sure it's something that makes you feel sexy, tranquil, and wonderful. Pick a practice that reminds you of just how special and provocative you are. Because the more you believe it, the harder it will be to let anyone make you think otherwise.
9. Keep a Realistic Perspective
If you're relying on movies, television, R&B songs (c'mon, who really has non-stop sex all night long?) or even your friends' sexual escapades to serve as a forecast for what your sex life will or even should be like and, at the same time, you're not super confident when it comes to sex and your sexuality, that makes total sense. After all, you are living in a fantasy world, a fairy tale, and both of those things are anything but realistic. I'm not saying that sex can't be good, totally amazin' even, but there are tons of people out here who are disillusioned and bitter about all things sex-related, simply because they didn't approach it from a mature and reasonable perspective.
The real is that sometimes sex is awkward. The real is sometimes people have "off nights". The real is that it might take a while for you and your partner to truly get in sync. The real is some of your past partners may be better than your current in certain areas and aspects. The real is that you are human, your partner is as well, and so coitus isn't always gonna be perfect all of the time. But you know what? If you're with a mentally healthy and emotionally sound person, "performance" isn't gonna be nearly as important as connection. And knowing that you are sharing your being with someone who wants to be with you, for you, is one of the best ways to boost your sexual morale.
10. Never Fake It
One of the reasons why I wrote the article, "Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP" is because, while I get why a lot of people do fake it, I don't really think that it's a wise or beneficial thing to do. The definitions of the word "fake" are enough to illustrate my point:
Fake: prepare or make (something specious, deceptive, or fraudulent); to conceal the defects of or make appear more attractive, interesting, valuable, etc., usually in order to deceive
How can you have a high sense of sexual self-worth if you're out here deceiving your partner into thinking the sex is all good, just so they will find you (more) attractive, interesting and/or valuable? Uh-uh, sis. You and your body are way too precious for some foolishness like that.
Love yourself, your body and your time enough to commit to not faking sexual satisfaction. Be confident enough to express when you are pleased and when you are not (do it gently and kindly but do it). The right partner will want you to be pleased, so they will respect you for speaking up. And when you are encouraged to be as open and honest as possible, that is a sexual self-esteem booster like no other!
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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You're Catching Feelings For Your Guy Friend. Now What?
Let me just start this all off by saying that I will never be the kind of person who thinks that men and women can’t be friends (or that single people and married people can’t be friends). Choosing friends is about looking into someone’s character and how they complement your life; it should never be about their gender or relational status. Don’t get it twisted, though — in order to properly navigate the dynamic between a man and a woman, there are some things that should be pondered and then discussed.
For instance, is the relationship truly platonic? Even though our culture has reduced that word to simply mean that two people are friends and nothing more, the actual definition is that BOTH individuals do not have any type of sexual interest or attraction at all; that only a spiritual kind of love exists. Is that possible? I have a few male friends where that word applies. I won’t lie, though — most of my (unmarried) male friends are more in the lane of, “You could get it. We just value the friendship too much to explore it”…and no, it hasn’t been “game” whenever they’ve brought it up.
Contrary to the notoriously toxic belief of so many folks out here, not every man has coochie on the brain 24/7 and/or lacks self-control and/or is willing to risk it all in order to get some. In fact, not one man in my life is even remotely that shallow.
Now, that doesn’t mean that I don’t get that the line between just friends and possibly more isn’t a tightrope for some friendships from time to time. Like, what happens if the person who ends up “with a little extra,” as far as emotions go for a friend, ends up being you? Even further, what if that question isn’t even close to being rhetorical because it’s something that you’re experiencing right at this very moment, and you’re not exactly sure what you should do about it?
If that’s the case, have no fear. I think I might be able to offer up a bit of insight that can get you through the (potential) internal stress of what happens when you look up one day and it really does seem like, out of nowhere, you suddenly want your guy friend to become something…more.
What Kind of Friendship Is It?
GiphySo before we talk about anything else, the first thing that you should get clear on is the type of friendship that you’re in. What I mean by that is, although we tend to use “friend” to cover all of the bases of someone who we’re not romantically involved with (or isn’t a relative or we can’t stand — and chile,don’t even get me started on frenemies), the reality is that friendships definitely have levels to them (check out “Always Remember That Friendships Have 'Levels' To Them”).
Like,is he a work friend? Is he a church friend? Is he someone you’ve recently gotten to know over the past couple of months? Is he an online friend? Or is it deeper, like a guy who you’ve been friends with for a couple of years now or someone who you used to have in the friend zone (check out “Before You 'Friend Zone' Someone, Read This.”)? Or — and lawd have mercy, if so — is he your best friend, and you’re starting to see him in a completely different light?
Do you see how, just breaking down some of these friendship dynamics, the situations are quite different? For instance, if you have feelings for a co-worker friend, you’ve got to take into consideration what your work environment will be like if the two of you date and it ultimately doesn’t work out. If he’s an online friend (especially if he’s in another city, state, or country), the risk of potential rejection probably won’t be as impactful as if you have to see him every weekend at church.
If he’s someone you already put into the friend zone, I’m gonna tell you right now that if he has any sort of self-esteem, you’re gonna have to eat a few slices of humble pie to get him to entertain being more than friends (because guys tend to move on once they find out that they fall into that space). And if he’s your best friend? Well, while it probably won’t cost you your friendship, it could make things awkward for a while at best or shift the relationship a bit at worst.
That’s why I definitely think that getting real about the kind of friendship you have with the guy is what you should get mentally cleared up first. Then, we can move on to the next thing.
What Do You Want to Come from the Matter?
GiphyAnyway, because I do have a nice circle of male friends, many of whom are single or divorced, I get asked often if it’s hard to be just friends with them. It’s not because I really like what we have as being friends only. There is a type of intimacy and balance of energies that come from a male-female friendship that you can never get from same-sex ones. I value it all too much to risk it. What I want from my male friends — a certain level of protection (because I’m single), insight from a male perspective, doing things that my female friends may not want to do, etc. — I get…and that’s worth more than seeing if the sex would be bomb or if we should try something more and it end up being a bad decision that we can’t come back from.
That’s me, though. That doesn’t have to be you and your guy friend. For example, what if what you want is to explore a sexual relationship (check out “5 Things You Should Ask Yourself Before Having Sex with A Friend”) because you can’t seem to get sex with him out of your head? For better or for worse, chile, back when I was out in these sex streets, that was pretty much my pattern: sex with close friends (check out “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners”), and it’s not an impossible feat.
You’ve just got to be real with yourself about whether that’s truly all that you want and if you can handle it gracefully if things don’t go as planned (check out “How To Preserve Your Friendship After BAD Casual Sex”) or the sex is so good that now you can’t decide if you’re into him or just into…it. Oh, and don’t even get me started on if he’s seeing other people (because all you wanted was sex…right?). Yeah, a movie that I like calledSleeping with Other People has a scene where a woman is mad that her casual sex partner is sleeping around. His response was on-point: “Keeping our arrangement doesn’t make me an as-hole, but it does make you a liar.” #checkmate
That’s just one example to emphasize the point that, yes, you need to figure out what you want to come from your more-than-just-friends feelings. Do you just want to get it off of your chest and you’re not sure if you want or need to do anything more than that? Do you want just sex? Would you like to go on a few dates to see ifthe chemistry is mutual? Are you “deeply in” and you’re hoping that he feels the same way so that you two can have a full-blown relationship?
Listen, I have watched enough relationships in my lifetime to know that when it comes to something that needs to be as thoughtfully approached as this, it’s not fair to share your feelings with someone and then expect them to know what you want to come from doing so. You need to know…first. So before bringing it to him, figure it out on your own.
Tell Him the Deal. No Hinting Around.
GiphyAlthough timing and delivery matter, I don’t know one man who isn’t a “straight no-chaser” type of individual. This means no hinting around. No guessing games. No 50 million questions to try and see if he likes you first. I promise you that all of these approaches are off-putting to guys and will get them to mentally and emotionally tap out before you get around to making your point. Besides, if he’s a FRIEND friend, you should be able to express your genuine feelings — and honestly, this is a huge plus to telling him: you will be able to see how mature he is when it comes to handling matters of the heart.
Can there be a reason to not tell your guy friend how you feel? I mean, honestly, if you’re avoiding it, I’m assuming that it’s mostly due to fear, and trying to maintain anything with fear as your “fuel,” ultimately, isn’t going to get you anywhere. Plus, the more that you suppress what is going on inside of you, the more it’s going to alter the energy between the two of you, and that could cause unnecessary stress and strain to where either you start unnecessarily projecting things onto him, or he wants to spend less time around you because you’re making him feel as uncomfortable as you are.
Are there any exceptions to this? Eh. If you’re more like good acquaintances than actual friends, perhaps. Personally, though, I think that solid friendships are rooted in honesty — and how can you claim that you’ve got a healthy friendship with someone if you’re holding something as big back as having feelings for them away from them? Logically, it just doesn’t make much sense.
Prepare Yourself for His Response. And Don’t Penalize the Friendship If He Doesn’t Feel the Same Way.
GiphyOnce you tell him, for the most part, there are three ways that telling him can go: he can like you back, he can want some time and space to consider the possibilities, or he can not be interested. Let’s briefly unpack all three.
Liking you back...
So, what if you tell him how you feel, and he feels the same way (or something close)? My two cents would be for the two of you to still go slowly. Where I’ve seen many mess up is they think that they can go from friend to more-than-friends in two days or less, and that’s super unrealistic. Meaning, someone having feelings for you, too doesn't mean that they can, should, or will automatically stop seeing other people or that you two can or should immediately start becoming intimate.
Take some time to really discuss each other’s feelings, thoughts, and expectations — and what you guys should do trying to move into a different relational space ultimately proves to not be the best thing for one or both of you. If anything should take the “ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” approach, it’s friends who are transitioning into something more — or else.
Wanting time and space...
Going from friends to potentially something different is a lot like shifting gears in a car — and if you move too fast, you can strip them. That said, just because you’ve been sitting with your feelings for a while, it’s not fair to want to rush him after he finds out. Whether he wants time and space to figure out how he feels about your feelings or time and space from you altogether — both are warranted.
Should it be for weeks with no contact? Not if he’s a good friend. On the other hand, should you pressure him into making you feel at ease about what he’s just now learning? Eh. You might want to go to another friend to help you out with that. I mean, how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Right…exactly.
He's not interested...
No one likes rejection; that’s real. At the same time, though, it’s not fair to penalize him if he doesn’t feel the same way that you do. Clearly, if he’s your friend (especially a close friend), he adores and values you on some level. However, if that’s not romantically, try and be emotionally mature enough to know and then accept that not wanting all of what you desire from the relationship doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want you in his life at all.
At the end of the day, if it’s too hard to be his friend when you want something else, you’ve got to do what’s best for you. Just make sure that you’re not going to lose a great person in your life because your ego got bruised or your pride couldn’t handle him not reciprocating what you were offering. It’s not fair, and it could end up costing you…A LOT. Take the kind of space you need to redirect your focus. If he loves you, he’ll be there when you get…back.
___
I’ve developed feelings for a friend before; more than once. Was it always easy to work through? Not always. My friendships always survived it, though — whether the feelings were reciprocated or not. And it was because we valued the friendship too much to lose it.
And honestly, I think that is one of the best things to come out of having feelings for a friend: you end up finding out just how solid the bond actually is. And in a world where really good friends are hard to come by…that can never not be a good thing.
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