If there are two things in life that, in my opinion, warrant the same response, it's when it comes to the questions, "How do you know when you're in love with someone?" and "How do you know when you've had an orgasm?". To me, both of those inquiries garner the answers, "If you have to ask, you probably haven't" followed by an almost immediate, "I dunno. You just know". When it comes to being in love with someone, we'll tackle that at another time. For now, let's look into what reaching the promised land, in the form of an orgasm, is all about.
As far as actually experiencing one, there are some physical signs that most women can relate to—intense-yet-quite-enjoyable muscle spasms (or contractions), warm tingles, flushed skin, accelerated breathing and heart rate and unexplainable pleasure, accompanied by unbelievable calm and contentment. How long does this sexual roller coaster of sorts last? Anywhere between 20 seconds and two minutes. And just how can you have one? Well, there are about 12 different types of orgasms that you can experience with a partner; then there are the ones that come via masturbation. Either way, orgasms are one of life's greatest treasures; something that is truly unmatched and very hard to miss, when it actually does come your way.
Now here's the thing. If you just read all of that and you're like, "Yeah, I can't relate" and you're at your wit's end trying to figure out what the "problem" is, it very well could be that you are dealing with a bout of what is known as anorgasmia. It's very real. So real, in fact, that reportedly 10-15 percent of women struggle with it. And just what does anorgasmia entail? Give me a few minutes and I'll break it down as best as I can.
What Exactly Is Anorgasmia?
I know it might be weird to word it this way, but if there's one thing that I "like" about anorgasmia, it's that it validates a very important point. What point is that? Even if 70 percent of women have trouble experiencing a vaginal orgasm, it's not necessarily because anything is "wrong" with them nor does it mean that they never will (you can check out a woman's personal journey with anorgasmia here). It could very well be that anorgasmia has affected them, possibly without them even knowing it.
So, just what is anorgasmia? In a nutshell, it's what happens when women (or men) are unable to experience an orgasm, even after a sufficient amount of sexual stimulation. Another term for it is orgasmic dysfunction.
While I've already touched on the fact that 10-15 percent of women have an ongoing issue with anorgasmia, some studies indicate that between 11-41 percent of women have seasons when they experience it. That makes sense since there are actual "levels" to this particular condition.
- Primary anorgasmia is when you've never had an orgasm before.
- Secondary anorgasmia is when you used to have them, but lately, it's virtually impossible.
- Situational anorgasmia is when you're only able to climax under certain circumstances like maybe oral sex or masturbation.
- General anorgasmia is when you're unable to orgasm at all.
Now that you see the breakdown, I'm thinking it makes sense how close to half of all women deal with a bout of anorgasmia at some point in their lives. And what is the cause of this sexual challenge? It depends, but some of the leading factors include age, medical conditions (or medication), depression, the abuse of drugs or alcohol, anxiety and stress. However, when it comes to primary or situational anorgasmia, some other things to consider include shyness, low self-image, pinned up religious or cultural beliefs, wacked out childhood sex education (or lack thereof), relationship problems, the fear of getting pregnant (if you're not ready to have a child or you've experienced an undesired pregnancy before), or even sexual trauma. It can even be a combination of some of the things that I just mentioned.
How Is Anorgasmia Treated?
Now that you know that anorgasmia (or orgasmic dysfunction) is a very real—and common—issue, you're probably wondering what can be done about it. Good question. Again, because there are levels to it, the first thing I would recommend doing is breaking out a journal to do some sex journaling in, just to get clear on if your issue is situational or not. If it is centered around your relationship (for instance, a breach in trust or some sort of emotional disconnect), talk it over with your partner. Or, if you're only able to via oral sex or masturbation, it could be because you are receiving more clitoral stimulation that way or you feel less self-conscious in those settings. But even realizing that could help to put you on the path to having orgasms through intercourse (like trying a blended orgasm, perhaps).
However, if you feel like you more accurately fall under the primary, secondary or general categories, it's important that you make an appointment to see your doctor as soon as possible. It could be that your hormone levels are off or that there is an underlying health issue that you are unaware of. Once you are given a thorough examination, your physician may refer you to a gynecologist (if you didn't automatically go to one) or even a reputable counselor or therapist who specializes in sexual dysfunction.
Or, they may prescribe some form of estrogen therapy or an antidepressant. They might even recommend using something along the lines of Zestra; it's a type of oil that warms your clitoris so that your genitalia can increase in sexual stimulation.
For now, the main thing to keep in mind is if you've never had an orgasm before or, it's been a while since you've had one, the right kind of treatment could have you well on your way. On the other hand, if you are diagnosed with being incapable of having one (which, for the record, is less common than all of the other types of anorgasmia), there are plenty of people who can vouch for the fact that sex can still be good without an orgasm. Whatever the case may be, just know that you're not alone. Anorgasmia is something a lot of people deal with—and get through. That's a promise.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP
6 Tips For Dealing With A Sexually Incompatible Spouse
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- How Can I Tell If I've Had An Orgasm - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Clitoris Facts: Things To Know About Your Clit - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- How To Have Different Types Of Orgasms - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Common Masturbation Questions Answered, Expert - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- 11 Different Types Of Orgasms Women Can Have - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Guess Which Age Demographic Has The Best Orgasms? (You Might Be Surprised) - xoNecole: Lifestyle, Culture, Love, Wellness ›
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While an evolution is a natural progression that happens as businesses grow, a rebrand is a total change. Lola tells xoNecole, "A total rebrand is necessary when a business’s current reputation/what it’s known for is at odds with the business’s vision or direction.
"For example, if you’ve fundamentally changed what your product is and does, it’s likely that your brand is out of alignment with the business. Or, if you find your company is developing a reputation that doesn’t serve it, it might be time to pump the brakes and figure out what needs to change.
She continues, "Sometimes you’ll see companies (especially startups) announce a name change that comes with updated messaging, visuals, etc. That usually means their vision has changed or expanded, and their previous branding was too narrow/couldn’t encompass everything they planned to do."
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The Brand Doula was born in 2019, and its focus is on putting "the experiences, goals, and needs of women of color founders first," as well as brands with "culture-shifting missions."
According to Lola, culture-shifting is "the act of influencing dominant behavior, beliefs, or experiences in a community or group (ideally, for the better)."
"At The Brand Doula, we work with companies and leaders that set out to challenge the status quo in their industries and communities. They’re here to make an impact that sends ripples across the market," she says.
"We help the problem solvers of the world — the ones who aren't satisfied with 'this is how it's always been' and instead ask 'how could this be better?' Our clients build for impact, reimagining tools, systems, and ways of living to move cultures forward."
The Brand Doula has worked with many brands, including Too Collective, to assist with their collaboration with Selena Gomez's Rare Beauty and Balanced Black Girl for a "refresh," aka rebrand. For businesses looking to rebrand, Lola shares four essential steps.
1. Do an audit of your current brand experience — what’s still relevant and what needs to change? Reflect on why you’re doing the rebrand in the first place and what success would look like after relaunching.
2. Tackle the overall strategy first — before you start redesigning logos and websites, align on a new vision for your brand. How do you want your company to be positioned moving forward? Has your audience changed at all? Will your company have a fresh personality and voice?
3. Bring your audience along the journey — there’s no need to move in secret. Inviting your current audience into the journey can actually help them feel more connected to and invested in your story, enough to stick around as changes are being made.
4. Keep business moving — one of my biggest pet peeves is when companies take down their websites as soon as they have the idea to rebrand, then have a Coming Soon page up for months! You lose a lot of momentum and interest by doing that. If you’re still in business and generating income, continue to operate while you work on your rebrand behind the scenes. You don’t want to cut existing customers off out of the blue, and you also don’t want so much downtime that folks forget your business exists or start looking for other solutions.
While determining whether the rebrand was successful may take a few months, Lola says a clear sign that it is unsuccessful is negative feedback from your target audience. "Customers are typically more vocal about what they don’t like more than what they do like," she says.
But some good signs to look out for are improvements in engagement with your marketing, positive reviews, press and increase in retention, and overall feeling aligned with the new branding.
For more information about Lola and The Brand Doula, visit her website, thebranddoula.com.
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Know what’s wild, though? There are actually some science-based reasons why so many of us are such big fans of that time of the year — one that is steadily approaching. So, if you’ve been trying to talk yourself out of getting a new neutral-colored comforter for your bed or you’re wondering if you’ve already gone too far with the pumpkins that you’ve got on your porch — my answer would be that you haven’t done enough to officially ring fall in! I’m not the only one who thinks that, either. Quite a bit of research thoroughly agrees.
It Takes Us Back to Our Childhoods
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It’s very common for fall to create feelings of nostalgia.For instance, even though it’s the season that technically doesn’t happen until the third week of September, many of us associate it with the first day of school, high school games, new television schedule line-ups (gee, remember that?), some of our favorite foods and drinks (like ginger snaps and hot cocoa), corn mazes, carving pumpkins, going trick-or-treating, attending fall festivals and so much other stuff that made autumn such a special time while growing up. Yeah, I bet if you thought back to what fall was like back when you were a kid right now, at least a couple of memories would immediately bring a smile to your face. (See…I told you.)
The Aesthetic Is Cozy and Comforting
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Scented candles. Roaring fireplaces. Fresh chrysanthemums. Foliage art. Metallic branches in vases. Neutral throw rugs. Carved pumpkins. Warm hues. Big throw pills. Cable-knit blankets. All of these are things that say “fall is here” in the most cozy and comforting ways. I mean, can you think of another time of year that beckons you to stay indoors more than fall does? Yeah, me neither.
It Boosts Your Self-Image
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Listen, if there’s one thing that I’m gonna do during the fall and winter seasons, it’s layer my outfits. That’s actually one of the reasons why I like fall so much — it’s because the fashion and style takes tend to be super on-point. And yes, based on what I’ve read, that’s another reason why a lot of people like the fall so much…since layering is about adding additional articles of clothing on, you don’t have to worry (as much) about the condition that your body is in like you do in the summertime. And when your body image is elevated, so is your confidence overall.
The Landscape Calms Us Down
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You might’ve already been aware of the fact that when you spend time in nature, it can help to de-stress you. Well, were you also aware of the fact that the beautiful colors of fall foliage can keep you calm as well? If you know anything about color psychology, this makes a lot of sense, considering a lot of leaves are shades of red (love), orange (happiness), and yellow (hope). So, if you’ve had a really stressful day at work, take the long way home to check out some fall trees or even rake up a pile and jump into them like when you were a kid. It could end up giving you the feeling of much-needed relief that you’ve been looking for.
It Creates a “Temporal Landmark”
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If you’ve never heard of a temporal landmark before, the long short of it is it’s moments in time that stand out to you to the point that it creates the perceptions that you currently have, plus it influences how you use your time in real-time. Since the holiday season kicks off during the fall season, activities like football games and homecomings mean a lot to people, and for some of us, the fall season marks the beginning of a new year (Rosh Hashanah), that’s another thing that makes autumn such a wonderful time of the year — we enjoy the way that we spend that season…a lot.
It’s an Unexpected Motivator
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On the heels of what I just said, whether you observe Rosh Hashanah or the winding down of the year is simply when you choose to pause and reflect in preparation for the calendar new year that is to come, some people really like the fall season because it motivates them to set new plans and goals. In fact, when you get a chance, check out “Why Fall Is The Perfect Time To Prep For The New Year.”
Using the next couple of months to ease into the new year makes a helluva lot more sense than jotting something down on New Year’s Eve real quick and then pressuring yourself to follow through for the first month of January.
It Means More Time with Family and Friends
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There’s probably no other time in the year when you are able to spend so much quality time with your loved ones than during the fall season, especially if they live out of town. I mean, just Thanksgiving alone proves that. Plus, winter doesn’t officially begin until December 21, which means that if you take time off leading into Christmas to visit family as well — that’s two times in less than a month that you’ve been able to get in some family and friends bonding time. If you love being around your family, fall always gives you time with them to look forward to.
It Means More Fall-Themed Sex
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When you get a chance, check out “Here's How To Have Some Really Great Fall-Themed Sex.” A part of the reason why I wrote it is because, did you know that late fall/early winter are the best times of the year to get some nookie? If you don’t believe me, also read “Did You Know Fall & Winter Are The Best Times To Have Sex?”
Between it being darker for a longer period of time, science saying that rainy weather actually makes us hornier, and pumpkins being an aphrodisiac (among other things) — if fall wasn’t your favorite time of year before you read this, maybe it will convince you to change your mind. Enjoy your fall season, everybody! Oh, and read up on what the combination of pumpkin and lavender scents can do for your boudoir experience. Thank me later. #wink
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