

Apparently, A Certain Penis Size Can Make Us Orgasm The Most (Chile)
Aight. Now y'all know that in order for me to write this, I already know the answer to this little — well, not super little — fact. And let me just say that a part of me did roll my eyes, just a bit. Only because, as I shared in the article, "BDE: Please Let The 'It Needs To Be Huge' Myth Go", I used to be someone who thought a man had to be huge to please me — even though some of the men with those big ole' thangs were less-than-impressive than the "smaller" fellas.
Still, as much as you all indulge me by letting me share so much of my own life and personal opinions, today isn't about what size pleases me most or what I prefer. It's all about a study that I found to be so fascinating that I thought some of y'all would be interested in hearing about too. So, if there's a part of you that has always wondered how big a penis truly needs to be in order for (vaginal) orgasms to happen on the regular, I've got what the word on the street (currently) is.
Drum Roll, Please: Guess What Penis Size Most Women Absolutely Rave About?
Lawd. There really is no telling how many times I have shared that the average size of a man's penis 5.5" erect while the most intense nerves inside of our vagina are the 2" of entry into us. This is a big part of the reason why sex toys, fingers and cunnilingus tend to be super pleasurable as far as things-that-penetrate go. Anyway, the reason why I think this can't be mentioned enough is because, if you can become super stimulated two inches in, why in the world do you need a man who is packin'? Chile, you don't.
We fall for that myth the same way men do when it comes to big breasts and even a big ass — sure, we all have preferences yet it's still important not to be "programmed" to the point where you close yourself off to the possibilities of what someone who may not be your "preferred size" may be (I feel like someone needed to hear that, so that's why I said it).
With that being out of the way, I have also shared, on multiple occasions, that while reportedly 70 percent of women do not experience vaginal orgasms (a lot of that has to do with how close your clitoris is to your vaginal opening, by the way; it ain't all on "him"), they are so much easier to achieve if you're going for a blended orgasm which is basically when your clitoris is being stimulated while you're being penetrated.
The reason why I thought it was important for both of these points to go on record is because, once I reveal the size that apparently gets "us" off more than any other, I don't want you to be side-eyeing your man if he doesn't exactly fit the bill (whether that means he is bigger or smaller). Now, with all of these disclaimers totally out of the way, are you ready to know what kind of penis can make women climax the most? Dun, dun, dun, DUN — EIGHT INCHES.
And just where did this data supposedly come from? Oh, that's where it really gets good. There's a site calledBig One that considers itself to be "the world's largest dating site for small penises" (I know, right?); however, they had some folks request that a site for large penises be made too (it's truly wild these world wide web streets!). Anyway, they conducted a survey of close to 4,800 women about what size got them to the mountaintop the most often and the blue ribbon prize went to Mr. Eight Inch at 44 percent (with 9" being 42 percent, 10" being 39 percent, 7" being 38 percent and 6" being 34 percent). So, what if you have a hard time grasping the exactness of it all? Basically, an average-sized remote control or just a little bit smaller than a beer bottle is what eight inches can be compared to.
So, what if your man doesn't — pardon the pun — measure up? First let me say that the women on the survey also shared that a man with an 11" penis had about as much success at pleasing them as someone with a 4" one. This means that if your guy is smaller, don't assume that someone big is gonna make you happy because, again, as I shared in the article that I referenced at the beginning of this, I have a friend-wife who often says — and I quote — "Girl, a big d—k ain't all it's cracked up to be. Believe that." A big part of the reason why is 1) there is still something to be said for technique; 2) when we are sexually aroused, our vagina stretches to 8" max (for the most part) and 3) if a man has so much ego surrounding his penis that he things that's all he needs to bring to the sexual table, you're not gonna get fed (pun intended and not intended). Straight up.
And what if you're currently not in a relationship and in your mind, you're like, "Whatever. You said 8", so that's exactly what I'm going to require"? Yeah. About that. If you're someone who strongly prefers a man who is over 6 feet tall and has an 8" penis, bless your heart because only around 15 percent of American men (actually, it's 14.5) are that tall and — whew — only three percent of men are that size.
Chile. What is a girl to do? Well, if you are currently with a "remote control", feel free to comment if you agree with the survey's findings. If you're with someone who is larger, check out our article "5 Go-To Positions For When Your Partner Is Well-Endowed". If he's smaller, check out "Sex Hacks For Different Kinds Of Penises (You Heard Me Right)". And, in general, let's briefly go over some hacks that make having a vaginal orgasm easier, regardless of what size a man's penis is.
5 Orgasm Hacks. Regardless of What Your Man’s Size May Be.
Kiss. A LOT. Did you know that some people can climax, just from a kiss? I personally know this to be quite true (wink). When two people are really connected and the kisses are in sync and intense, the sensitive nerve endings (especially from the tongue) can be a huge turn-on. It can make you wetter during foreplay and get you hotter during intercourse. So, if you don't tend to kiss much during sex (hey, some people don't; check out "Umm, What's Up With These People Who Hate Kissing?"), here's a(nother) reason to give reconsider it.
Get fingered. It's always funny when I hear guys share stories of sexual activity when they were high-school aged. It makes me think of the movie The Wood and the girls who were down to get fingered to death yet claimed they were too "pure" for actual intercourse or that that seeing a penis was nasty. Anyway, now that you're grown, fingering can still help to get you better prepared to experience a vaginal orgasm because it helps to relax you. Plus, if he knows what he's doing (double wink), he can locate your G-spot, so that he knows where and how to aim once he enters you (your G-spot is 2.5-3" into your vagina, at the roof of it; it feels a little bumpy when aroused and is about the size of a walnut).
Have an orgasm another way. First. If fingering doesn't result in an orgasm, do something else that does. For a lot of us, that would be cunnilingus yet whatever rocks your boat, try that. Many of my clients have shared with me that although a vaginal orgasm can be close-to-impossible the first round, once they are wetter and more euphoric, the second session tends to make climaxing a whole lot easier to do (yes, vaginally).
Prop your butt up. I'm all for a sex pillow. For a few reasons. If you put one underneath your head during oral sex (receiving, that is), it's easier to watch him and — whew. Who doesn't like to see that going down? If you put one underneath your back, that makes it easier for you to be penetrated more deeply (if that's what you're after). Underneath your butt prevents him from having to strain as much to reach your G-spot. Plus, if you happen to be someone who is in the 30-percentile and vaginal orgasms are pretty easy for you, a pillow up under your backside will make it so much easier for his penis to stimulate your clitoris and vagina at the same time.
You know what they say about "the motion of the ocean". More than anything, make peace with the penis you've got. Just like we spend so much time telling men that they should celebrate the body they are with, how hypocritical of us, if we don't do the same. Remember, the ladies in the survey said that a huge penis ain't no more pleasing than a tiny one which reminds me that it really isn't just a popular saying that it's not the size of the wave but the motion of the ocean.
A man who desires you. A man who isn't selfish. A man who studies your body. A man who takes his time. A man who is erotic, adventurous and passionate? Chile, he doesn't have to be 8" to shake the room. He's already more than halfway there before having the pleasure of…getting in. #thirdwink
Join our xoTribe, an exclusive community dedicated to YOU and your stories and all things xoNecole. Be a part of a growing community of women from all over the world who come together to uplift, inspire, and inform each other on all things related to the glow up.
Featured image by Getty Images
- Do You Fake Orgasms? - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love ... ›
- How Can I Have A Super Orgasm? - xoNecole: Women's Interest ... ›
- 10 Things That Can Prevent An Orgasm - xoNecole: Women's ... ›
- What To Do When Your Boyfriend Is Too Big - xoNecole: Women's ... ›
- How Can I Have A Super Orgasm? - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Sex Shaming Your Partner, Sexual Past - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
After being a regular contributor for about four years and being (eh hem) MIA in 2022, Shellie is back penning for the platform (did you miss her? LOL).
In some ways, nothing has changed and in others, everything has. For now, she'll just say that she's working on the 20th anniversary edition of her first book, she's in school to take life coaching to another level and she's putting together a platform that supports and encourages Black men because she loves them from head to toe.
Other than that, she still works with couples, she's still a doula, she's still not on social media and her email contact (missnosipho@gmail.com) still hasn't changed (neither has her request to contact her ONLY for personal reasons; pitch to the platform if you have story ideas).
Life is a funny thing but if you stay calm, moments can come full circle and this is one of them. No doubt about it.
Amber Riley has the type of laugh that sticks with you long after the raspy, rhythmic sounds have ceased. It punctuates her sentences sometimes, whether she’s giving a chuckle to denote the serious nature of something she just said or throwing her head back in rip-roarious laughter after a joke. She laughs as if she understands the fragility of each minute. She chooses laughter often with the understanding that future joy is not guaranteed.
Credit: Ally Green
The sound of her laughter is rivaled only by her singing voice, an emblem of the past and the future resilience of Black women stretched over a few octaves. On Fox’s Glee, her character Mercedes Jones was portrayed, perhaps unfairly, as the vocal duel to Rachel Berry (Lea Michele), offering rough, full-throated belts behind her co-star’s smooth, pristine vocals. Riley’s always been more than the singer who could deliver a finishing note, though.
Portraying Effie White, she displayed the dynamic emotions of a song such as “And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going” in Dreamgirls on London’s West End without buckling under the historic weight of her predecessors. With her instrument, John Mayer’s “Gravity” became a religious experience, a belted hymnal full of growls and churchy riffs. In her voice, Nicole Scherzinger once said she heard “the power of God.”
Credit: Ally Green
Riley’s voice has been a staple throughout pop culture for nearly 15 years now. Her tone has become so distinguishable that most viewers of Fox’s The Masked Singer recognized the multihyphenate even before it was revealed that she was Harp, the competition-winning, gold-masked figure with an actual harp strapped to her back.
Still, it wasn’t until recently that Riley began to feel like she’d found her voice. This sounds unbelievable. But she’s not referring to the one she uses on stage. She’s referencing the voice that speaks to who she is at her core. “Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind,” the 37-year-old says. “It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women. I got so comfortable in [doing so], and I really want other people, especially Black women, to get more comfortable in that space.”
“Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind. It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women."
If you ask Riley’s manager, Myisha Brooks, she’ll tell you the foundation of who the multihyphenate is hasn’t changed much since she was a kid growing up in Compton. “She is who she is from when I met her back when she was singing in the front of the church to back when she landed major roles in film and TV,” Brooks says. Time has allowed Riley to grow more comfortable, giving fans a more intimate glimpse into her life, including her mental health journey and the ins and outs of show business.
The actress/singer has been in therapy since 2019, although she suffered from depression and anxiety way before that. In a recent interview with Jason Lee, she recalls having suicidal ideation as a kid. By the time she started seeing a psychologist and taking antidepressants in her thirties, her body had become jittery, a physical reminder of the trauma stacked high inside her. “I was shaking in [my therapist’s] office,” she tells xoNecole. “My fight or flight was on such a high level. I was constantly in survival mode. My heart was beating fast all the time. All I did was sweat.”
There wasn’t just childhood trauma to account for. After auditioning for American Idol and being turned away by producers, Riley began working for Ikea and nearly missed her Glee audition because her car broke down on the highway while en route. Thankfully, Riley had been cast to play Mercedes Jones. American Idol had temporarily convinced her she wasn’t cut out for the entertainment industry, but this was validation that she was right where she belonged. Glee launched in 2009 with the promise of becoming Riley’s big break.
In some ways, it was. The show introduced Riley to millions of fans and catapulted her into major Hollywood circles. But in other ways, it became a reminder of the types of roles Black women, especially those who are plus-sized, are relegated to. Behind the scenes, Riley says she fought for her character "to have a voice" but eventually realized her efforts were useless. "It finally got to a point where I was like, this is not my moment. I'm not who they're choosing, and this is just going to have to be a job for me for now," she says. "And, that's okay because it pays my bills, I still get to be on television, I'm doing more than any other Black plus-sized women that I'm seeing right now on screen."
The actress can recognize now that she was navigating issues associated with trauma and low self-esteem at the time. She now knows that she's long had anxiety and depression and can recognize the ways in which she was triggered by how the cult-like following of the show conflicted with her individual, isolated experiences behind the scenes. But she was in her early '20s back then. She didn't yet have the language or the tools to process how she was feeling.
Riley says she eventually sought out medical intervention. "When you're in Hollywood, and you go to a doctor, they give you pills," she says, sharing a part of her story that she'd never revealed publicly before now. "[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that's not fixing my problem. If anything, it's making it worse."
“[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that’s not fixing my problem. If anything it’s making it worse.”
Credit: Ally Green
At one point, while in her dressing room on set, she rested her arm on a curling iron without realizing it. It wasn't until her makeup artist alerted her that she even realized her skin was burning. Once she noticed, she says she was "so zonked out on pills" that she barely reacted. Speaking today, she holds up her arm and motions towards a scar that remains from the incident. She sought help for her reliance on the pills, but it would still be years before she finally attended therapy.
This stress was only compounded by the trauma of growing up in poverty and the realities of being a "contract worker." "Imagine going from literally one week having to borrow a car to get to set to the next week being on a private jet to New York City," she says. After Glee ended, so did the rides on private planes. The fury of opportunities she expected to follow her appearance on the show failed to materialize. She wasn't even 30 yet, and she was already forced to consider if she'd hit her career peak.
. . .
We’re only four minutes into our Zoom call before Riley delivers her new adage to me. “My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway,” she says.
On this Thursday afternoon in April, the LA-based entertainer is seated inside her closet/dressing room wearing a cerulean blue tank top with matching shorts and eating hot wings. This current phase of healing hinges on balance. It’s about having discipline and consistency, but not at the risk of inflexibility. She was planning to head to the gym, for instance, but she’s still tired from the “exhausting” day before. Instead, she’s spent her day receiving a massage, eating some chicken wings, and planning to spend quality time with friends. “I’m not going to beat myself up for it. I’m not going to talk down to myself. I’m going to eat my chicken wings, and then tomorrow I’m [back] in the gym,” she says.
“My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway."
This is the balance with which she's been approaching much of her life these days. It's why she's worried less about whether or not people see her as someone who is humble. She'd rather be respected. "I think you should be a person that's easy to work with, but in the moments where I have to ruffle feathers and make waves, I'm not shying away from that anymore. You can do it in love, you don't have to be nasty about it, but I had to finally be comfortable with the fact that setting boundaries around my life – in whatever aspect, whether that's personal or business – people are not going to like it. Some people are not going to have nice things to say about you, and you gotta be okay with it," she says.
When Amber talks about the constant humbling of Black women in Hollywood, I think of the entertainers before her who have suffered from this. The brilliant, consistent, overqualified Black women who have spoken of having to fight for opportunities and fair pay. Aretha Franklin. Viola Davis. Tracee Ellis Ross. There's a long list of stars whose success hasn't mirrored their experiences behind the scenes.
Credit: Ally Green
If Black women outside of Hollywood are struggling to decrease the pay gap, so, too, are their wealthier, more famous peers.
Riley says there’s been progress in recent years, but only in small ways and for a limited group of people. “This business is exhausting. The goalpost is constantly moving, and sometimes it’s unfair,” she says. But, I have to say it’s the love that keeps you going.”
“There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman,” she continues. “We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
"There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman. We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
Last year, Riley starred alongside Raven Goodwin in the Lifetime thriller Single Black Female (a modern, diversified take on 1992’s Single White Female). It was more than a leading role for the actress, it also served as proof that someone who looks like her can front a successful project without it hinging on her identity. It showcased that the characters she portrays don’t “have to be about being a big girl. It can just be a regular story.”
Riley sees her work in music as an extension of her efforts to push past the rigid stereotypes in entertainment. Take her appearance on The Masked Singer, for instance. Riley said she decided to perform Mayer’s “Gravity” after being told she couldn’t sing it years earlier. “I wanted to do ‘Gravity’ on Glee. [I] was told no, because that’s not a song that Mercedes would do,” she says. “That was a full circle moment for me, doing that on that show and to hear what it is they had to say.”
As Scherzinger praised the “anointed” performance, a masked Riley began to cry, her chest heaving as she stood on stage, her eyes shielded from view. “You have to understand, I have really big names – casting directors, producers, show creators – that constantly tell me ‘I’m such a big fan. Your talent is unmatched.’ Hire me, then,” she says, reflecting on the moment.
Recently, she’s been in the studio working on original music, the follow-up to her independently-released debut EP, 2020’s Riley. The sequel to songs such as the anthemic “Big Girl Energy” and the reflective ballad “A Moment” on Riley, this new project hones in on the singer’s R&B roots with sensual grooves such as the tentatively titled “All Night.” “You said I wasn’t shit, turns out that I’m the shit. Then you called me a bitch, turns out that I’m that bitch. You said no one would want me, well you should call your homies,” she sings on the tentatively titled “Lately,” a cut about reflecting on a past relationship. From the forthcoming project, xoNecole received five potential tracks. Fans likely already know the strengths and contours of Riley’s vocals, but these new songs are her strongest, most confident offerings as an artist.
“I am so much more comfortable as a writer, and I know who I am as an artist now. I’m evolving as a human being, in general, so I’m way more vulnerable in my music. I’m way more willing to talk about whatever is on my mind. I don’t stop myself from saying what it is I want to say,” she says.
Credit: Ally Green
“Every era and alliteration of Amber, the baseline is ‘Big Girl Energy.’ That’s the name of her company,” her manager Brooks says, referencing the imprint through which Riley releases her music after getting out of a label deal several years ago. “It’s just what she stands for. She’s not just talking about size, it’s in all things. Whether it’s putting your big girl pants on and having to face a boardroom full of executives or sell yourself in front of a casting agent. It’s her trying to achieve the things she wants to do in life.”
Riley says she has big dreams beyond releasing this new music, too. She’d love to star in a rom-com with Winston Duke. She hasn't starred in a biopic yet, but she’d revel in the opportunity to portray Rosetta Tharpe on screen. She’s determined that her previous setbacks won’t stop her from dreaming big.
“I think one of my superpowers is resilience because, at the end of the day, I’m going to kick, scream, cry, cuss, be mad and disappointed, but I’m going to get up and risk having to deal with it all again. It’s worth it for the happy moments,” she says.
If Riley seems more comfortable and confident professionally, it’s because of the work she’s been doing in her personal life.
She’d previously spoken to xoNecole about becoming engaged to a man she discovered in a post on the site, but she called things off last year. For Valentine’s Day, she revealed her new boyfriend publicly. “I decided to post him on Valentine’s Day, partially because I was in the dog house. I got in trouble with him,” she says, half-joking before turning serious. “The breakup was never going to stop me from finding love. Or at least trying. I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness, and you enjoy it and work through it.”
Credit: Ally Green
"I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness and you enjoy it and work through it.”
With her ex, Riley was pretty outspoken about her relationship, even appearing in content for Netflix with him. This time around is different. She’s not hiding her boyfriend of eight months, but she’s more protective of him, especially because he’s a father and isn’t interested in becoming a public figure.
She’s traveling more, too. It’s a deliberate effort on her part to enjoy her money and reject the trauma she’s developed after experiencing poverty in her childhood. “I live in constant fear of being broke. I don’t think you ever don’t remember that trauma or move past that. Now I travel and I’m like, listen, if it goes, it goes. I’m not saying [to] be reckless, but I deserve to enjoy my hard work.”
After everything she’s been through, she certainly deserves to finally let loose a bit. “I have to have a life to live,” she says. “I’ve got to have a life worth fighting for.”
Credits
Director of Content: Jasmine Grant
Campaign Manager: Chantal Gainous
Managing Editor: Sheriden Garrett
Creative Director/Executive Producer: Tracey Woods
Cover Designer: Tierra Taylor
Photographer: Ally Green
Photo Assistant: Avery Mulally
Digital Tech: Kim Tran
Video by Third and Sunset
DP & Editor: Sam Akinyele
2nd Camera: Skylar Smith
Camera Assistant: Charles Belcher
Stylist: Casey Billingsley
Hairstylist: DaVonte Blanton
Makeup Artist: Drini Marie
Production Assistants: Gade De Santana, Apu Gomes
Powered by: European Wax Center
Chilli Opens Up About Flak She Received For Refusing To Settle In Dating And How Matthew Lawrence Has Everything On Her 'List'
Rozanda "Chilli" Thomas' dating journey displays how refusing to settle, and setting standards could lead one to find their ideal partner.
Over the years, The TLC group member had high-profile relationships with music producer Dallas Austin, with whom she shares an adult son, and R&B singer Usher.
Since then, Thomas has confirmed that she’s now dating actor Matthew Lawrence. Thomas and Lawrence, who were romantically linked in the summer of 2022 when they were spotted vacationing in Hawaii amidst the Boy Meets World star's grueling divorce with Cheryl Burke, would confirm their relationship in January 2023.
In a statement released by Thomas' representative, Christal Jordan, toPeople magazine, Jordan revealed that the couple had been dating since November 2022, two months after Lawrence's divorce was finalized. Jordan also shared that since Thomas began dating Lawrence, the singer is the happiest she's ever been.
To date, the couple has showcased their love by uploading various dancing Instagram posts on their respective accounts and talking about their whirlwind romance in numerous interviews.
Recently, Thomas opened up about her relationship with Lawrence during a virtual interview with The Tamron Hall Show. While recalling her VH1 dating series, What Chilli Wants, which aired on the network from 2010 to 2011, the 52-year-old provided information about why she set such high dating standards in the form of a list known as "Chilli's Checklist" and the steps she took to prepare herself for love.
Chilli On Matthew and Her Dating List
During the May discussion, Thomas disclosed that she wanted to show women the importance of setting standards, and although, at the time, she received massive backlash for it, she refused to settle when it came to love.
Thomas received scrutiny for her list because many thought some of her standards were unobtainable. Thomas' requirements for an ideal partner included not wanting someone that drank, smoked, or ate pork.
In addition to all those qualities, the star also wanted someone that loved God. Because of Thomas' determination to find her perfect match, the "Creep" vocalist claimed that she "waited it out."
"On my show, I always hoped that women see the importance of having high standards. I got a lot of flack from that, but I don't care. For me, I just waited it out. I'm like, 'Lord, if it happens, wonderful. If it doesn't, I'm still okay," she said.
As the topic shifted to Lawrence, Thomas raved about her new beau and shared that the 43-year-old had met all the qualities she wanted in a partner, from his physical appearance to his love for God.
"Matthew, honestly, he's the list... He is my entire list, and so I thank god every day for this," she stated.
Even though it may have taken years and several failed relationships, it is inspiring to see that Thomas refused to settle and worked on herself along the way until she found her person.
Rozonda ‘Chilli’ Thomas’ Next Chapter & Romance With Matthew Lawrence
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by Dia Dipasupil/Getty Images