

Here's Why You Can Climax Sometimes And...Sometimes You Can't
Off the rip, some of you may wonder what prompted me to write on a topic like this. There are two main causes for the inspiration. One, I find myself having a lot of conversations with women who can't seem to figure out, for the life of them, why sometimes their sexual experiences are the peak of pleasure while others are more on the ho-hum side. Secondly, I've read before that reportedly 46 percent of women have stated that they've always or almost always (whatever that means) have had an orgasm before while only six percent professed to it happening for them all of the time.
Because this phenomenon seems to baffle more than a few, I thought it would be a good idea to share some of the underlying causes for why climaxing may not be as consistent as you would like for it to be. First, so that you can take some of the pressure off of yourself (and sometimes even your partner) and two, through the process of elimination, you can potentially get down to the root of things, so that you can hang off of chandeliers more often than you currently are.
1. Stress
If there is one thing that you need to be during sex, it's completely and totally present — and that is exactly what stress prevents you from being. I'm pretty sure you know that it is extremely possible to be with someone physically and yet be somewhere totally different on the mental and emotional (more on that in a bit) tip. Thoughts being all over the place, cortisol (your natural stress hormone) levels being at their peak and you feeling worried or anxious can sho 'nuf keep you from having an orgasm. That's why it can be a really good idea to take a long bath, do some meditating, or even just light a soy candle in the scent of lavender, rose, sandalwood, orange, or jasmine (all of which are considered to be solid de-stressors) to calm down your senses.
2. An Emotional Disconnect
Contrary to what the media and pop culture want you to think, we aren't dogs or cats in heat. Sex, for humans, is supposed to be more than "getting off" — on some level, there should be an emotional connection too. That said, even if you're not planning to walk down the aisle (or you haven't already jumped the broom), ask anyone who has a sexual history and I'm pretty sure they will vouch for the fact that sex with someone you have some type of feelings for is so much more pleasurable and meaningful than someone who is nothing more than a super casual partner.
So, if there are moments when you feel disconnected from your partner when it comes to your feelings towards them, that can definitely hinder you from having orgasms because, whether you realize it or not, a wall is up, and in order to climax, you've got to feel as free and open as possible. So, if you and your partner have some issues going on right through here, that could be a huge part of the reason why orgasms aren't exactly flowing very freely.
3. It’s a Different Time of the Month
It probably comes as no shocker that a lot of women are off-the-charts horny when they're ovulating (when they're able to get pregnant) while, at the same time, they can kind of take or leave sex the week before their period (when they are PMS'ing which oftentimes includes bloating, breakouts and fatigue). Did you also know, though, that there are studies that state that many women are more interested in sex on the weekends than on the weekdays?
Sometimes, just paying close attention to your body and your calendar can help you to understand why climaxing may be easier for you on some days rather than others. That's why it's also a good idea to keep a period app on deck.
Women's Health Mag has a list of some really great ones here.
4. There’s Not Enough Foreplay
I believe I've shared before how, a wife (who is now divorced from her husband) once said to me in a session with her husband that, in order to get wet enough for intercourse, sometimes she has to use her own spit. Between her husband being somewhat sexually selfish, him not being the biggest fan of cunnilingus (although he's all about fellatio…chile. CHILE) and him believing that having a big member should be enough to keep her satisfied (check out "BDE: Please Let The 'It Needs To Be Huge' Myth Go," "Sex Hacks For Different Kinds Of Penises (You Heard Me Right)," and "Apparently, A Certain Penis Size Can Make Us Orgasm The Most (Chile)"), his foreplay game had much to be desired.
So is the case for a lot of men because without us feeling super desired, without there being at least 10-15 minutes to literally warm us up, and without us getting/being wet enough (check out "Why You May Be Struggling With Getting "Wet Enough"), not only can it be difficult to climax, it can be really uncomfortable to have sex altogether. So, if your man is all about the "cake" without the "icing," if there is one time when that is totally his bad, this one would be it. And if, for the sake of your sex life, there is ever a time when you should let him know, now (relatively speaking) would be the time (not when you're having sex and preferably outside of the bedroom too; it needs to be a calm and loving conversation, not something that makes him feel super self-conscious).
5. Your Diet
When you get a chance, check out "So, Here's What Your Diet Says About Your Sex Life." The reality is — and this is so not a pun — when it comes to having a happy and fulfilling sex life, we really are what we eat. Too much sugar can drain your energy. Not enough fluids can affect how naturally lubricated you are. Fast food can jack up your hormones. The list goes on and on. So, if you know that you either rarely or straight up don't eat as healthy as you should, do not underestimate what that could be doing for you in the bedroom department.
And just what should you be consuming more of? Dark leafy greens are high in Vitamin E; it's a nutrient that can keep your sex hormones balanced out. Fresh fruit is loaded with Vitamin C which is great when it comes to keeping your sex hormones healthy and strong. Eggs are a good source of Vitamin B which can help to give you a lot of energy. Then there are aphrodisiacs that can make having an orgasm easier too.
Check out "Eat Your Way To Better Sex With Aphrodisiacs" and "10 In-Season Fall Foods That Are Incredible Aphrodisiacs" for a list of some of those.
6. Sleep Deprivation
You wanna know how important sex is when it comes to having a great sex life? It's so important that I wrote an entire article about it for this platform — "6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand." There are solid studies that indicate that when we (meaning women) are lacking sleep, it can significantly reduce, not just our ability to get sexually aroused but our desire to have sex at all. This is why, something that I will oftentimes mention to some of my clients is, if you seem to be screaming your partner's name in pure ecstasy while on vacation yet not very much when you're at home, it could be because you are well-rested when you're off of work. There are a billion-and-one reasons why getting no less than six hours of sleep, on a daily basis, is such a good idea. So that you're able to orgasm more is just one of them.
7. Being in the “Wrong” Positions
Back in my gettin'-it-in days, sometimes I would humor my partner and get into certain sexual positions, just because they liked it. Meanwhile, it did very little for me. And y'all, this is something that you've got to keep in mind too — which positions work for you and which ones don't, because it still rings true that around 70 percent of women still aren't able to achieve an orgasm, just with vaginal penetration alone. And what kind of positions have a pretty good reputation for making "seeing the mountaintop" a lot easier for you? Honestly, anything that makes it easy for your clitoris to be stimulating in the process of you being penetrated.
This would include spooning, your hips being on the edge of the bed so that he can easily access your clitoris, reverse cowgirl, doggy-style and, what I would call the "cat position". If you've never seen cats have sex before, it's like doggy-style only, they are on their stomach. Listen, it really can't be emphasized enough that the more your clitoris is "in the game" during intercourse, the far greater your chances will be of having, not just orgasms but blended and multiple ones too.
8. You’re Having Sex FOR Rather than WITH Your Partner
Some people are simply too selfish for a relationship; they really are. Sex isn't exempt from this particular point either (check out "Got A Selfish Lover? This Is What You Should Do About It."). While there is something to be said for the responsibility of sex in a long-term relationship, if you find that you're having sex, mostly to appease your partner, that is the difference (to me) between having sex FOR someone vs. WITH them. And while a good lover definitely doesn't want their partner to participate in anything that is purely obligatory, the flip side to this is, how is your partner supposed to know this is how you are feeling, if you're not saying anything?
Articles like "The 'Pre-Sex Interview'. To See If You're Both In Sync." (for new relationships), "Ask These Sex-Related Questions BEFORE You Marry Him" and "9 Sex-Related Questions You & Your Partner Should Ask Each Other. Tonight." are specifically designed to encourage couples to verbally communicate their thoughts and needs, so that everyone is on the same page before getting in between the sheets. Because when you feel heard and understood that definitely makes it easier to feel…felt if you know what I mean. #wink
9. You’re Not Paying Enough Attention to Your Body
Some women feel sexier after a shave or wax. Sometimes, in order to keep your pH balance right and your vagina smelling fresh, you need to up your probiotic take. If you're not washing your underwear by hand, the harsh detergent you're using could be triggering a yeast infection and/or if you're not getting a regular dose of omega-3s in your system, that could be why you're not as naturally lubricated as you should actually be (check out "What Your Vagina Wishes You Would Do More Often").
Sometimes, a situation can trigger us which can cause a mental or emotional block of some sort and so we need to do what is known as vaginal mapping (check out "Why 'Vaginal Mapping' Needs To Be Part Of Your Healing Journey"). Sometimes, there are little pieces of lint and hair that need to be cleaned out of our clitoral hood, so that it's less irritating (check out "7 Reasons You Should TOTALLY Be In Love With Your Clitoral Hood"). Then there are moments when your vagina might just be stressed the hell out and therefore, requires a bit of TLC (check out "Ever Wonder If Your Vagina Is Stressed TF Out?").
Unfortunately, some of us make the grave mistake of assuming that our vagina doesn't require as much time and attention as say, our face or skin does when that couldn't be further from the truth. The reality is, the more in touch you are with "her," the more you will know how to supply her with what she needs. That's not just good food for thought outside of the bedroom but once you're inside of it as well.
10. Boredom
That saying "If it ain't broke, don't fix it"? There are layers to that when it applies to sex because if you and yours figure out things that work and you just keep doing the same thing(s) over and over again, that can lead to tedious repetition which is the exact definition of boredom. Sex is too dope to only think that one position, one technique, one approach that has worked for you in the past is the only one that will in the present. So, if being on top has been your "old faithful" for months (or even years) now but it doesn't seem to cultivate as much intensity as it once did, get creative (check out "15 Sex Hacks To Take Your Bedroom Action To The Next Level," "I've Got 7 Hacks To Get You More Of What You Need In The Bedroom," "The Wetter, The Better: 10 Creative Ways To Use Lubricant," "10 'Weird' Things Could Actually Elevate Your Sexual Experience" and "15 Simple-Yet-Kinda-Buck Items To Take Sex To Another Level").
Your body is made to respond to more than just one approach to sex, I can promise you that. So, yourself a favor and test this fact out…tonight, so that you can find other ways to receive the orgasms that you want — and are certainly very worthy of. More than just every once in a while. (I'm sayin'...)
For more love and relationships, sex tips and tricks, and marriage advice, check out xoNecole's Sex & Love section here.
Featured image by Getty Images
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After being a regular contributor for about four years and being (eh hem) MIA in 2022, Shellie is back penning for the platform (did you miss her? LOL).
In some ways, nothing has changed and in others, everything has. For now, she'll just say that she's working on the 20th anniversary edition of her first book, she's in school to take life coaching to another level and she's putting together a platform that supports and encourages Black men because she loves them from head to toe.
Other than that, she still works with couples, she's still a doula, she's still not on social media and her email contact (missnosipho@gmail.com) still hasn't changed (neither has her request to contact her ONLY for personal reasons; pitch to the platform if you have story ideas).
Life is a funny thing but if you stay calm, moments can come full circle and this is one of them. No doubt about it.
This New Scalp Care Line Is Exactly What Your Wash Days Need
This post is in partnership with SheaMoisture.
When it comes to healthy hair care, there are a few things that will help you achieve healthy strands: a healthy hair care regime, hydration, consistent treatments, and scalp care. While scalp care is one of the most neglected practices, it is also one of the most important. Why? Because it helps promote healthy hair growth, clear hair follicles, and remove build-up.
When it comes to creating a healthy scalp routine, it helps to know exactly what you’re up against so you know how to specifically treat it. Two of the most common concerns are dandruff and dry scalp. It can be tough to decipher which is which, but here’s a quick breakdown: dry scalp is caused by a lack of moisture in the skin, while dandruff is caused by an excess of oil and yeast buildup on the scalp. Knowing that both of these are big concerns, SheaMoisture released two separate product lines to address both issues: the Scalp Moisture collection and the Anti-Dandruff collection.
Needless to say, if you tend to experience dandruff then I’d recommend you try the Anti-Dandruff collection. However, my biggest concern has always been dry scalp. A lack of moisture on the scalp can be caused by several factors like weather, age, and hair products to name a few. I’ve noticed that when I use certain gels or skip out on a deep scalp cleanse, my roots feel itchy and dry nonstop, which is uncomfortable.
The only way to relieve the discomfort is to properly wash and moisturize my roots, so I tried the Scalp Moisture collection and this is what I thought.
Krissy Lewis for xoNecole
First, What’s In The Collection?
The Scalp Moisture collection is a four-product line that includes a pre-wash masque, a moisturizing shampoo and conditioner, and a moisturizing scalp cream. Each product uses moisturizing and strengthening ingredients like aloe butter and vitamin B3 as active ingredients to provide eight times the moisture. Together, aloe butter and vitamin B3 work to restore dry and brittle hair, as well as add relief to the scalp.
Now, let’s break down each product…
Krissy Lewis for xoNecole
Scalp Moisture Pre-Wash Masque
The SheaMoisture Scalp Moisture Pre-Wash Masque may actually be the all-star of the collection. Using this deep conditioning masque is one of the best ways to target your dry scalp, restore hydration, and nourish your strands before shampooing.
I started by completely saturating my hair and scalp with water, then making small sections to apply the masque directly to the root. For my girls who have experience with relaxers and perms, it helps to apply the masque to your roots just like you would do with a relaxer. This way you can make sure you’ve covered as much of your scalp as possible while minimizing any breakage.
Pro tip: you can also use a color application brush to make this step easier.
After I completely covered my scalp, I massaged the product into my roots, used any excess on my strands, then left the masque in for 30 minutes. I was shocked by how moisturizing and clarifying my scalp and hair felt. One of the things that I love about the masque is the slip and how much softer it made my hair. While this is marketed as a scalp care product, it can completely transform your hair from dry and parched to completely hydrated.
In my opinion, the downside of this masque is that the quantity is too small for my liking. Truth be told, naturals go through deep conditioners faster than any other product (especially when it’s this good.) So SheaMoisture, if you’re reading this, we’d love a bigger jar.
Krissy Lewis for xoNecole
Scalp Moisture Shampoo
The SheaMoisture Scalp Moisture Shampoo is a gentle cleanser packed with the same moisture as the masque. The pearl-colored shampoo is lightweight with a serum-like consistency and a light and clean scent. The smell is pleasant, subtle, and not overbearing. When I applied the shampoo, I noticed immediately that it foams and lathers up very quickly, so less is more.
After applying the shampoo, I parted my hair and started at the roots to target as much of my scalp as possible. I recommend really taking the time to work the product and massage your scalp as much as possible.
Pro tip: using a scalp massager makes it easier and it feels amazing.
Once you start to massage your hair you’ll feel the product start to work. There’s a tingling sensation that might catch you off guard if you’re not used to it, but it’s not nearly as strong as other scalp products I’ve tried. I know some may not appreciate the sensation, but I loved it! My scalp felt clean, light, and breathable.
Krissy Lewis for xoNecole
Scalp Moisture Conditioner
Like the shampoo, the SheaMoisture Scalp Moisture Conditioner shares that pearly color and serum-like feel. It applies very easily while softening and moisturizing your hair. When I applied it to my hand, it gave my hands a lotion-like feel, which speaks volumes about its hydration capabilities. I also loved that the conditioner comes with a pump, instead of having to squeeze the product out – to me, it makes application easier.
I typically apply my conditioner to the ends first but because this is a scalp care product I started at the root and worked my way down to my ends. I did leave the conditioner in for ten minutes, although the bottle recommends leaving it in for three. The conditioner also provides that same breathable feel to your scalp. I honestly loved the relief.
Krissy Lewis for xoNecole
Scalp Moisture Cream
The SheaMoisture Scalp Moisture Cream is more of a daily relief product for your roots rather than your overall hair. It’s great for providing moisture and immediate relief to a dry and itchy scalp. Just like most of the collection, it gives a light and breathable feel – without the tingle. The applicator bottle targets specific parts of your scalp and makes applying easier.
Pro tip: I typically just squeeze the bottle to wherever I need the relief and use the tip to massage it into my scalp so it doesn’t mess up the hairstyle.
Overall, SheaMoisture’s scalp care line lives up to its claims – it moisturizes, strengthens, and provides immediate scalp relief. I definitely recommend trying the Scalp Moisture collection for an affordable way to treat itchy and dry scalp.
Featured image by Krissy Lewis for xoNecole
7 Underrated Signs That He's Truly 'Marriage Material'
While in an interview a few months back, someone asked me what I personally thought it meant for someone to be “marriage material.” Off top, the first thing that came out of my mouth is that it had to be an individual who actually desires marriage (more on that in a bit) because that kind of person will be proactive about doing what needs to be done in order to prepare for that kind of life journey.
Another indication that someone is marriage material is they don’t see marriage as just “a long-term relationship.” Yeah, don’t get me started on the fact that a part of the reason why divorce is so high now is people think that a boyfriend/girlfriend dynamic is the same thing as a husband/wife one. It absolutely is not. Marriage-minded folks hold marriage in high regard, which means that they seek out someone who isn’t a “we’ll see how it goes” when it comes to relationships; nah, they are looking for the complement who will be far more permanent. Marriage-minded people are vow-keepers (‘til death do us part), not just sentiment-sayers (I love you, boo).
Marriage material — and please get this one all the way down in your spirit — is also about not just sitting around rah-rahing about what you deserve. What I mean by that is people are not truly ready for marriage if they’ve got a what-I-want-in-a-spouse list that is 10 miles long, yet they aren’t even 30 percent of what’s on the list themselves. Listen, I will forever say until every single cow comes home that if you are out here declaring what you DESERVE in someone else, that means, by definition, that you are QUALIFIED to have all of those things. And qualified means “having the qualities, accomplishments, etc. that fit a person for some function, office, or the like” (which is why you can’t be out here dictating what you deserve without hearing what others feel that they deserve in return).
Geeze. With all of this out in the open, I probably should write an article about signs that a woman is ready for marriage (noted). For now, let’s dive into some unsung signs that a man is truly marriage material — so that you can discern, quicker, who is the better “husband fit” for you.
1. He Knows His Purpose
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We’re gonna have to take this article to church a bit because, when it comes to the topic of marriage, it’s my personal opinion that a lot of them don’t last because people fail to factor in the spiritual component that can help them to truly see the distance. And when it comes to men, if you look at the Bible, two things that Adam (the first husband who’s in the Good Book) had before his wife was BROUGHT (he didn’t pursue her; she was brought, by God, to him — Genesis 2:24-25) his way is he had a relationship with God and a life purpose (Genesis 1-2).
And since the way that a woman is first defined in Scripture is being a helpmate (the Hebrew term for this is ezer kenegdo which translates into lifesaver — Genesis 2:18) to a man — does it make sense to marry someone when you don’t know what you’re helping out because he doesn’t know what he’s here to do in life? How can you complement what is so vague and unsure?
That’s why I’m not a fan of folks expecting marriage during college. College should be about figuring out who you are outside of your parents and also discovering what you want your life path to look like. If you come into school knowing and you’re consistent about it, cool. Yet if you have no idea, that’s okay too; take your time and get some clarity.
Anyway, bottom line here is, some definitions of purpose are “the reason for which something exists or is done, made, used, etc.” and “an intended or desired result; end; aim; goal,” and when a man is purpose-minded, there is a level of clarity, maturity, and moving-with-intention about him that is totally unmatched. That’s part of the reason why the late and super great Dr. Myles Munroe was so big on men knowing what their purpose is in life — it says a lot about him.
So, if you’re currently seeing someone and it seems like he’s dragging along as far as moving forward in your relationship, I recommend asking him, “Do you know your purpose?” It will reveal a lot about him. It can also bring some insights on if you’re a good fit for each other — whether right now or later. Trust me. Try it.
2. His Dating Life Is Intentional Instead of Random
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Men who are ready for marriage don’t tend to be vague about it; they realize that time is of the essence, so they tend to make that pretty clear upfront. Another thing? Their actions will line up with their words.
Now, this doesn’t mean that they will be racing to the altar in a year or less; however, what I can assure you is that marriage-minded men are not going to be out here casually dating. Casual literally means things like “without definite or serious intention” and “seeming or tending to be indifferent to what is happening; relaxed; nonchalant,” and no man who is gearing up for a wife rolls in this kind of head or even heart space.
I will give a heads-up that, initially, this doesn’t automatically mean that he will be exclusive with you — and honestly, he shouldn’t have to be. If he wants to figure out who his right life partner is, he should “interview” a few women (same goes for you if you desire a husband). However, the process will not drag out for years on end, and once he has figured out who the one is for him, he tends to have no problem not just cutting other ties but getting engaged sooner than later.
In other words, I don’t know too many marriage-minded men who take more than a couple of years to not just date someone but get engaged in that timeframe, too (check out “Experts Say You Should Date This Long Before Getting Married”). That’s why, if you find yourself dating someone for several Christmases, you definitely should ask them if marriage is even on their radar. Chances are (especially if they are over 35 as a guy)…it isn’t.
3. He’s Seen a Therapist. Or a Life Coach. Or Both.
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Uh-huh. If the first thing that came to your mind is, “Yes, please see a therapist,” honestly, it is my opinion that ANYONE WHO WANTS TO GET MARRIED should do so. I don’t mean go to premarital counseling once you are already in a serious relationship or engaged (although yes, you should definitely do that, too); I mean that…getting prepared for marriage includes making sure that your mental and emotional health and well-being are in a really good space and a therapist and/or life coach can help to make that happen.
Should you see both? Maybe. Check out my article, “Thinking About Hiring A Life Coach? Read This Before You Do,” so that you can get some clarity on that. What I will say, for now, is that a therapist tends to deal with things of your past as they offer up some tips and insights on how to handle your present and future, while life coaches (ICF-certified ones, that is) focus on asking you the kinds of questions that can help you to get a handle on how to handle your present and future.
I have a male friend who is the COO of a life coaching company, and one of the things that he and I have discussed is a lot of men who are serious about planning for their future will see a life coach, especially when it comes to their professional life; the main reason is that it can help them to get things organized so that they are prepared for a wife and family.
My takeaway from that? Asking a man, eh, maybe 4-5 dates in, if they have ever seen a therapist or life coach could be pretty revealing. Because even if the topic of marriage has not even been broached yet, what it can reveal is how proactive he is about getting his life in order — and that’s always a good thing.
4. He Can Clearly Articulate Plans for His Future Wife
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Thanks — yet no thanks — to rom-coms, far too many people think that it’s fine to get married just on feelings alone. Yeah, please don’t do that. It’s also another article for another time that people who are serious about wanting to get married will be in a consistent state of preparation whether they are in a relationship or not.
When it comes to what that looks like for a man, one thing to keep in mind is he will be able to clearly articulate what he desires in a wife (by the way, please don’t try and challenge a man about what he wants; he has to live with her and, besides, you wouldn’t want him to do that to you. Either y’all are a good fit or not, yet don’t attempt to control his own narrative). Not only that, but he’ll be able to explain why he thinks a wife would be a good fit for him in this season, what he wants to bring into his future wife’s world, and some of the short- and long-term plans that he has for her and their marriage.
In other words, he won’t be like a guy I know (who is now divorced after 15 years of marriage) who, when I asked him why he was getting married (when he pretty much sucked even as a boyfriend), all he said was, “If I don’t do it now, I never will.” His marriage proposal was piss-poor, the marriage flailed the entire time, and even on the back end, he comes off as pretty nonchalant.
So many people’s marriages are less-than-impressive, even to them, and a huge part of the reason is that they failed to plan for their spouse and their marriage. They put a lot of thought into the wedding…and that’s about it. Red flag, red flag…RED FLAG.
5. He’s Emotionally Intelligent
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Okay, so before we dive into this particular point, you might be tempted to assume that being emotionally available is the same thing as being emotionally intelligent. Yeah…not really (check out “5 Signs A Man Is Emotionally Available. 3 Signs He's Not.”).
While emotional availability is about being open to sharing your feelings and meeting the emotional needs of others, emotional intelligence is all about things like understanding emotions, articulating emotions, and maturely handling one’s emotions.
Listen, out of all of the things that we’ve already touched on here, a lot of people end up in divorce court because not only did they choose someone who was pretty emotionally unintelligent, but they also were lacking in that particular area themselves.
That said, emotionally intelligent people are:
- Self-aware
- Empathetic
- Authentic
- Apologetic
- Proactive in praising other people
- Gracious and grateful
- Able to use more than “mad”, “sad” or “happy” to describe how they’re feeling
- Also able to receive feedback
- Great listeners
- Express themselves well
That’s 10 traits, and honestly, this is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to what emotional intelligence requires. Yet, I’m sure you can see that if more people looked for someone who was emotionally intelligent, it would definitely make their relationship — and their life, in general — go so much more smoothly.
6. He’s Sexually Healthy
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This one, boy. Okay, so when I say that he should be “sexually healthy,” I’m not just speaking of him having a cleared STD test. No, what I mean is — and this is somewhat of a Shellie-ism more than anything — I don’t really trust ANYONE who claims that they are ready for marriage while they are still out here all willy-nilly in these streets, male or female. Because if you don’t have some sort of sexual self-control leading up to your wedding day, jumping a broom isn’t really going to change much of anything. Why? Because a wedding is an outward expression of some inward adjustments and decisions that have already transpired.
So yeah, a man who is truly marriage material? It shouldn’t be odd to you if he’s been abstinent for a season (several months or more). It shouldn’t seem strange to you if he speaks of sex from less of a recreational space and more of a spiritual and intimate one. If he admits that he used to be, umm, “super-friendly” and now he wants to take things slow, don’t assume that he’s got someone on the side — it could be a form of sexual discipline that he’s displaying (and good for him).
Now that I think about it, it’s kind of wild to say, yet I’ve got several male friends (over the age of 37) who used to be beyond promiscuous, who’ve all told me that it’s been months now since they’ve had any form of sex. None of them are in a serious relationship or necessarily even looking for one; they’ve just said that sex, just to be having it, has gotten old. Plus, oftentimes, the drama that potentially comes with it isn’t worth it, so they’d prefer to focus on self-work and wait until sex with someone is more meaningful (hey, they have no reason to lie to me; we’re just friends).
Guys like this? They are pretty close to being marriage-minded. Straight up.
7. He Actually WANTS to Get Married
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Final point. Although it might evoke a collective "duh" from some of y'all, you'd be amazed how many women end up wasting very precious time that they will never get back, and it's all because they got involved with a man who liked or perhaps even loved them yet he didn't desire to get married. And either because they simply assumed that he did or they thought they could "love him into" wanting to be a husband, they ended up getting their feelings hurt. Extremely so.
Another thing to keep in mind? A man who wants to get married has no problem vocalizing it very early on. Meaning, on the third date, it won't be foreign for him to say, "I would love to start a family in the next couple of years," without you even having to coax it out of him. Guys who aren't interested in marriage — they tend to deflect from the topic altogether as much as they possibly can.
As we close this all up, I will say that it's important to keep in mind that just because a man doesn't want to be a husband, that doesn't mean he's not a good guy — GREAT even. So please don't manipulate matters by thinking that a man who doesn't want to be married somehow has some sort of "issues" (check out "Single-Minded: So, What If You Like Dating But DON'T Desire Marriage?" and "12 Couples Reveal Why They're Happy With A Long-Term Commitment Instead Of Marriage"). Thinking like that speaks to your projecting more than anything else.
All I'm saying is a guy who is marriage material is a guy who will say, out of his own mouth, that marriage is on his menu, and so he will engage you in that manner — meaning, he will take time with you seriously, and if you are a good fit, he will state it; if he thinks you are not "his one," he will share that too…so that you both can get out of each other's way.
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The thing about being “marriage material” is you’ve got to be cut from the kind of cloth that has marriage on your mind — not constantly yet enough to where you move with clear, thoughtful, and mature intention.Hopefully, this article sheds some (additional) light on what this looks like for a man. Hopefully, it also served as a heads up — or reminder — on what, in many ways, he’s looking for in a woman too. Proceed with discernment, y’all. And keep me posted. #winkLet’s make things inbox official!
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