I'm A Black Mother Who Adopted White Kids, Here's Why
As Told To is a recurring segment on xoNecole where real women are given a platform to tell their stories in first-person narrative as told to a writer.
This is Kimberly Holden's story, as told to Charmin Michelle.
My daughter, who is six, I adopted in 2015. My son, who is four, I officially adopted in 2018.
Both of them are white. Yes, white.
Our story is no different from any other interracial adoptive families, but I'm happy to tell you how it happened. And please don't flood me with, "But that doesn't matter" or "You shouldn't explain anything to anyone." I understand that, ladies, thank you for the support. But I have gotten enough online ridicule to at least address it. Also, at the end of the day, people are going to have questions, which I don't mind (as long as they aren't rude). And I don't have to respond, but I want to...
Adopting Lizzie
For as long as I can remember, I have always loved children, which is why I became a foster mom in the first place. And over the years, I have fostered many children, black, white, whatever. It never mattered to me. I loved them all. With that, I've learned that there is no such thing as “preference" when it comes to a child; no wants. Fostering is only about wanting to help kids that need you—or at least it should be. So, despite what the world thinks, there is no catalog to flip through that allows us to choose who we share our love with, there is no option to build the child of my dreams, if there is a such thing.
When I first joined the foster system, of course on the intake paperwork, it is possible to specify certain demographics of a child, which at the time, I had only two asks: girls, ages 0-5. But what so many fail to understand, is ultimately, DCF and CPS doesn't care what you ask for.
Randomly one day, my phone rang; a lady was on the other end.
"Hi Kimberly, um, so, I'm looking at your paperwork, and um, I know you want only girls, but I have these little boys and...I need you."
And guess what? I didn't hesitate. Bring them to me.
I did not say, "No, I only want girls" or "I can't help, I only love and want black girls." I told her to bring me those babies because they needed me.
At the time, I lived in a town that was predominantly white and Puerto Rican so, I would never get calls about available kids in my town, most of them came from neighboring larger city, which had a greater need. So, these young boys came to me from one of those cities. This all changed shortly afterward when, my boys were adopted out and I received a call informing me that DCF would now be operating by regions. They sent me a map and told me I would be contacted when children were available from these newly specified areas, which, because I never received calls from before, I was skeptical about.
Lo and behold, one day my phone rang again.
I was at work, so I couldn't answer, but I recognized the number as a DCF number. I immediately ran to the bathroom to listen to the voicemail.
"Hi Kim, we have a young girl that we're looking to place in a home, please call me back, we want to place her today." I called back, didn't ask for a single detail, and told them I'll be home this evening waiting on her. Two hours later, the social worker was at my home. He drove past my house and because of it, I told him to park where he was and I would come outside to greet the both of them. It was a bit of a distance away, so when he walked up, it was only then that I began to notice that she was not black. Once again, never cared.
All I could think was, she is so cute and chubby!
I was so blown away by her that it never resonated that she was white. And to be honest with you, it was the social worker's reaction to me that caused me to calculate race in the equation at all. He was actually the one surprised by my race. As for me, I didn't have a care in the world. What was I going to do, tell him "no" because she was different than me?
Never.
I took my daughter in the house and we have been each other's heart ever since.
Welcoming Eddie To The Family
One day, I got a call from my social worker stating that I needed to sign additional paperwork for Lizzie's adoption, so we agreed to meet at my house that evening. Lizzie had just finished dinner, she was running around playing when she arrived. As soon as she sees Lizzie, she says, "You're getting so big! And guess what, you're a big sister!"
....excuse me, what?
Backtracking slightly, prior to adopting Lizzie, her biological mom wanted to meet me to ensure that she was going to a home that was good for her—which I obliged. I felt that if I was going to do this, I wanted the process to feel right, I wanted it to be a good situation. So, we met. In hindsight, her pregnancy makes sense: baggy clothes and large sweatshirts. She didn't want that child to be taken too. But you see, in DCF, when there's an open case going on, they're going to get involved anyway.
"Oh wow," I say.
"I know, she hides her pregnancy very well." Then, she looks at me and says, "We're gonna need you..."
Need me?!
All I could think about was the fact that he was a newborn and not having maternity leave at my job. I tell her and she says, "It's OK. I have a home for him to go to. But I have to ask you because you are a family home now, you have his sister. But if we ever need you, we'll give you a call." Which we both agreed to.
Three months later, I get a call saying, "Remember when we said Lizzie had a little brother? Well, Eddie is being removed from that home, and we need him in yours, can you take him?"
Immediately, I say, "Of course." And never questioned a soul.
A week later, we welcomed Eddie home.
Adjusting To YouTube + Criticism
OK, here's what you don't know about adoption through fostering when it comes to “race". The biological mother of my kids, is a Puerto Rican, Greek, and Cherokee woman. Because of this, despite the fact that they look lily white, my kids were considered minorities. Society has groomed us to believe that a minority (a word I despise) is us. But DCF smacks that label on anyone who has an ounce of ethnicity. My children arrived to me based on a simple word that determines my background. And my love for all kids, is why I kept them.
Never in a million years would I think that after all of this time, I would receive the amount of hate from strangers because of it. I started my YouTube channel to document our journey, and some of the comments I get are disheartening. I'm unaffected, but admittedly, I wonder how and why people think the way that they do—and the worst often comes from black people.
I have been called a coon, bed wench, Uncle Tom, and a "self-hating nigger." I've been accused of wanting to be white, which trust me, adopting two white kids is literally the last thing someone should do to "want to be white," simply because I am reminded that I'm black every single time I am in public with my children.
But more specifically, I want to directly address one of the most repetitive comments that I hear: "But Kimberly, there are way more black kids in foster care that need homes"
Ladies, I live in Connecticut, which is an overwhelmingly white state. Most of the kids in foster care in my state, guess what—are white! First is white, then Hispanic, and then black. You cannot adopt from a state you do not live in, so I opened my home to whomever needed me. That's A. And B, if there are more black kids in foster care that need homes, don't you think that's a problem in the community? You're mad at me about this?
The narrative must shift, there's so much we can do for society besides gripe about supporting any child. My kids are happy, they're flourishing, and most importantly they are loved. And they love me and my brown skin
--
I took the path that was laid out for me and I was unbiased to sharing my love to anyone, that's the only thing I'm accused of. And to anyone who thinks that how I adopted is wrong, I challenge you to open your home, and show me how to do it right.
Kimberly is currently raising awareness for adoption through foster care and she has a YouTube Channel documenting her family's journey. You can watch her full adoption video here and you can follow her on Instagram @_holden_it_down.
Feature image courtesy of Kimberly Holden
- Being Black & Pregnant In Today's America, Traumas - xoNecole ... ›
- My Parents Made Me Think I Was White My Whole Life - xoNecole ... ›
- Racially Ambiguous Women Discuss How Being Labeled As Such ... ›
- My Experience As A White Mom Raising A Black Daughter ... ›
- I'm a Black mother who adopted a white baby. Here's why I carry his ... ›
- Transracial adoption: 'I've been accused of kidnapping my white child' ›
- I'm a Black mother who adopted a white baby. Here's why I carry his ... ›
- Black mom responds to backlash after adopting white kids ›
- Meet Five Black Parents Who Have Adopted White Children ›
Charmin Michelle is a southern native and creative spirit who works as a content marketer and events manager in Chicago. She enjoys traveling, #SummertimeChi, and the journey of mastering womanhood. Connect with her on Instagram @charminmichelle.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LISTÂ HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images