Why You're Always The One Who Prepares A Man For His Wife
Listen here, y'all. If there was ever an article that I need to write for myself as much anyone else, it's this one! That said, I've never been the kind of girl who took weddings lightly. To me, they are sacred.
So, just like couples shouldn't enter into them lightly, wedding parties and guests shouldn't either. Attending one should mean you are in agreement with two people coming together and that you're also on board to support the union as best as you can.
Therefore, I haven't agreed to be in enough weddings to subscribe to feeling like I'm always the bridesmaid and never the bride. Oh, but what I can totally empathize with is "Why does it seem like I'm always the one who's getting some dude ready for his wife?" (I know this because quite a few of the men I've dated have told me so.)
I'm not sure if the guys who've said that to me found it to be a compliment or not. But as someone who really dug some of them and is currently still single, being the one who helped a man mature for who would become the ultimate lady in his life, more times than not, low-key pissed me off. Here I am loving you, supporting you, giving my all (bookmark that last part) and, rather than wanting to give me a wedding band and your last name, you'd rather send me an email in the middle of the night to let me know that my journey with you resulted in you fully committing to the next chick? What in the world?!
What time and healing, along with self-love and introspection has taught me is, wanting to know why a man sometimes opts out of a woman who loves him like she's his wife only to marry someone else (sometimes not more than a year later) is not a question they can answer. Beyond maybe chalking it up to bad timing, not knowing what they really wanted at the time or not responding well to ultimatums (please don't do the ultimatum thing; ultimatum is just another word for threat), they usually don't know.
Oh, but baby. After doing some real self-work, I've got a few reasons why I believe I used to be in this kind of pattern. I think they're worth sharing because once I switched a few things up, the emotional roller coaster of always being a man's pseudo wife whisperer ceased to be an issue…anymore.
So, why did it seem like I was always the woman who prepared a man for his wife instead of actually becoming his wife?
I Tended to Do More Assuming Than Asking
Some of y'all are gonna not be happy with me with this one, but that's OK. I can take it. Although I know a lot of women who are quick to call men "liars", that hasn't been my personal experience. Often times, a man has told me exactly what was up; I simply didn't want to hear it. They weren't lying to me. I was lying to myself. Another common scenario is they answered questions based on what I asked…just as I asked it.
Example. If I asked a man I was seeing, "Do you see me as marriage material" and they say "definitely," I would take that to mean that they could see me as their future wife. If that is what I really wanted to know, what I should've asked is, "Do you see us getting married someday?" I might not've liked the answer, but it would've saved us both a lot of time and, me personally, a lot of bitterness and disillusionment.
But since I ran with being marriage material, many times I would look at mere dating as marriage preparation. Meanwhile, the guy was on a totally different page. Sometimes in a totally different book too.
A ton of trial and error has taught me that if you want to know how a man feels about you, don't ask your mama, your friends, or even his mama and his friends. Ask him. Do it in person so that you can observe his body language and be as direct as possible.
A man who is all about making you his for the long run is going to make it abundantly clear that is his mission. You can take that to the bank. Or Jared's. Whichever you prefer.
I Didn't Know How to Love in Levels
For years, I've believed that while women can fall in love a billion times in one lifetime, a man might do it three times — his first love, another woman, and then his wife. I'm not sure if we as women do it so often because we're brave or they do it so little because they're more discerning, but my ultimate takeaway is that I've needed to learn more about how to love in levels.
What I mean by that is, I can love a man without acting like we're destined to be together. If we agree that we're dating, we're dating. If we want to become exclusive, we should mutually agree upon what that means. Until it goes from dating to exclusivity, I need to live my life like I'm just dating. If dating isn't enough for me, I need to express that, see where he stands and, if he doesn't want to move forward, I need to move on. I love him, but I also love me. I love me enough to get what I need.
See…love in levels.
Using this strategy has helped me to discover something else. Sometimes loving a man like I'm his wife before he's ready to become a husband robs him of the opportunity to come to the place of being ready for marriage. In other words, while I think I'm pouring love into him, what I'm really doing is suffocating him.
As a result, a guy moves on from me just so that he could get some emotional breathing room. I was awesome (which is good). However, I was also all-consuming (which is not so good). Once he got the space that he needed, he came to the conclusion that, "I want a love like Shellie gave but I want a woman who will let me come to that on my terms and in my own time." I got him open to seeing marriage as a possibility but it was the time between me and the next gal that got him to the point of making marriage a priority.
I Was "The Wife" Without Being HIS WIFE
There's a woman I know who lived with her boyfriend for several years before they got married. However, it wasn't until after he proposed that another side of her started to show. Her now-husband always cracks me up whenever he talks about how he didn't know how well she could cook or even how nurturing she was until after he put a ring on her finger. When I asked her what was up with that, she said, "I'm not giving him all of me until I know I'm going to get all of him in return. Living with him didn't show me that. Proposing to me did."
I know a lot of us roll our eyes (or sometimes even get a little defensive) whenever someone says, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" but try and see "milk" as being symbolic of more than just sex. There are a lot of us who end up devastated and heartbroken, all because we acted like a wife to a man who acted like a boyfriend (or less) in return. Meaning, we physically, emotionally, and sometimes even financially contributed to a relationship as if we were already married to someone. While that might've shown a man that being loved that way is truly special, that doesn't automatically or necessarily mean that they want to love us in the same way in return.
An even more direct way of putting it is this — until you're his wife, you're not. And if you're not, try and set boundaries within your own self so that there are some things he doesn't get until he is your actual husband. For some, that's sex. For others, it's certain types of sacrifices or emotional (or financial) investment. I'll leave that part up to you. Just try and come up with things that, should you not end up together, will result in calling it quits feeling more like a break-up than a full-on divorce.
Take it from me, life is a lot easier and your heart is a lot safer when you decide that until you're married, it's cool to not act like a wife — or even "wifey". It's OK to not give all of your mind, body, and soul. It's perfectly fine to not feel like you need to convince a man to see you as his future bride.
I've done enough marriage life coaching to know that the woman who catches a man's eye and keeps it is usually the one who is not trying to get him to marry her but is instead confidently living her best life. The one who conveys he brings surplus to her life, but he certainly doesn't fill any big voids.
If you live like that, you significantly increase your chances of hearing "Will you marry me?" instead of "Thanks for everything — for showing me what I do and don't want in a woman and how to decide what I'm looking for in my own way and time," which is basically the subtext of "Thanks so much for preparing me for my wife."
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Don't Be A Wife To A Boyfriend: 10 Lessons I Learned When I Was Single – Read More
I Have A Perfect Response To "What Do You Bring To The Table?" – Read More
Why It's Okay If He Marries The Next Woman and Not You – Read More
Featured image by Getty Images.
- Stop Asking Men & Women Why They're Single - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Timing In Dating: Meeting Someone At Wrong Time - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Should You Marry Him? Signs He's Marriage Material - xoNecole: Lifestyle, Culture, Love, & Wellness ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Smile, Sis! These Five Improvements Can Upgrade Your Oral Hygiene Instantly
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
Smile, Sis! These Five Improvements Can Upgrade Your Oral Hygiene Instantly
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.