Your Family & Friends Don’t Always Know What’s Best For You
"If I were you, I would do this…"
While this type of advice often comes from a genuine place, it can often be misguided wisdom especially when the person isn't privy to every detail pertaining to the situation.
On a recent episode of Love Is__ (one of my favorite shows on the OWN Network), "Angela" is adamant about the fact that "Nuri" shouldn't call "Yasir" in light of all that has transpired. Angela believes he's still living with his so-called girlfriend, and that he's not being truthful about his situation. For her, this is more than enough for Nuri to call it quits with Yasir.
However, unbeknownst to Angela, it's clear to Yasir and Nuri that they're destined to be together…and at the end of the day, that's all that really matters. While Nuri respects and appreciates Angela's insight and her friendship, she feels differently and is willing to take a risk despite how different and unexpected their lives seem to be at this point. Neither her, or Yasir, are willing to let this rough patch ruin what will ultimately be a lasting love story.
Shows like Love is__, Black Love Doc, and even Insecure (just to name a few of my favorites) are friendly reminders that even though your close family and friends may have the best intentions for you, they won't always know what's best for you. When it comes to making decisions in your life, there are times when you'll need to consult your family and friends, but there will also be times when you will have to trust your gut and rely on your inner spirit and intuition.
Hence, choose wisely who and when you seek advice from when it comes to these certain areas of your life:
Making Relationship Decisions
Contrary to popular belief, no two relationships are ever identical because all of us are different. Even though I've noticed many similarities between Yasir and Nuri's story and my own personal love story, there are still some significant differences between the two relationships. Not to mention the fact that it's a television show (even though it is loosely based on the true love story of acclaimed show creators and producers Salim and Mara Brock Akil).
Nevertheless, what might have worked for someone else's relationship may not necessarily work for your relationship, let alone even apply to your relationship. Many people make the mistake of trying to emulate their relationship experiences after what they see on Instagram, television, in the movies, or even in real life.
They fail to realize that love is possible in so many ways, and not every relationship will be the same.
For instance, some would venture to say that you can't meet the love of your life at the club, but I can't say that when the reality is that my husband and I met at the club. Is that rare? Probably. But was it possible? Obviously, since the rest is history. Plus, I know couples who met at church, the grocery store, on vacation, and I know couples who even met online.
I know couples who dated for 10 years then got married, and I know couples who got married after only dating for six months. I know couples who have children, couples who want children, and couples who don't want kids at all. At the end of the day, we're doing this love and marriage thing in different ways, but the commonality is that we're all doing what works best for us. The same should apply to your relationships.
Don't put love in a box. Trust the journey and trust God's timing. Besides, true love has a way of showing up packaged differently or arriving sooner or later than you expected…but when it arrives, it will be exactly what you want and need.
Making Career Moves
Some people may not understand you, or even believe you, when you tell them you're: starting a side-hustle, quitting your job, going back to school, starting a business, starting a blog, or you're changing careers. Truthfully speaking, your willingness to step out of your comfort zone can make others feel uncomfortable. Some people don't want to see you change because they're committed to remaining the same. Other times, people will unknowingly project their personal fears onto you and cause you to question your decision because they may not be as willing to step out on faith and take a risk.
All of us have different dreams, goals, and aspirations, which will ultimately lead us down different paths. Some people follow their passion, while others will follow the paycheck (or both). Some people stay dreaming, while others wake up and turn their dreams into reality.
Just like with our senses, everyone's vision isn't the same – literally and figuratively. So, some people will see the vision, while others might not see what you see, but don't let that keep you stagnant. It could very well be a sign that should move in silence anyway.
It's up to you – you can do what everyone else thinks or is used to seeing you do, or you can strive to do the very thing you know you've been called to do.
Making Geographical Moves
It's one thing to feel sad about someone moving away to another city, state, or even another country, but some people will make you feel so bad that they will convince you to stay merely for their own selfish reasons.
For many people, moving to a new place can be the perfect transition to help jumpstart a new chapter in life. Traveling and experiencing new places provides the opportunity to experience and see new things. It opens your eyes and imagination to more.
For me personally, my move to Atlanta wasn't just what I needed at that time in my life because of what I was going through, but it helped shift my mindset completely. Being that I was a small city girl from Lexington, Kentucky (I love my hometown), Atlanta was where I saw more people who looked like me and where I saw more opportunity.
Atlanta helped me to see myself as a proud, unapologetic, black, professional, and successful woman – a "go-getter" (or goal digger as I like to call it).
Even when I moved, I understood then that everyone wasn't going to get it, which is why I didn't consult a lot of people about the move. Only a few people knew about my plans because I didn't want to risk someone trying to discourage me or overwhelm me with the "what ifs" about something that I knew was the right decision for my life.
You don't have to get others to affirm what God has already confirmed, especially if it's not hurtful or harmful to you or anyone else. Remember, just because someone knows you, doesn't mean they know what's best for you.
Featured image via Love Is... / OWN
Shonda Brown White is a bestselling author, blogger, life coach, and brand strategist. When she's not jumping out of a plane or zip lining, she's living the married life with her husband in Atlanta, GA. Connect with her on social @ShondaBWhite and her empowering real talk on her blog.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images