"If I were you, I would do this…"
While this type of advice often comes from a genuine place, it can often be misguided wisdom especially when the person isn't privy to every detail pertaining to the situation.
On a recent episode of Love Is__ (one of my favorite shows on the OWN Network), "Angela" is adamant about the fact that "Nuri" shouldn't call "Yasir" in light of all that has transpired. Angela believes he's still living with his so-called girlfriend, and that he's not being truthful about his situation. For her, this is more than enough for Nuri to call it quits with Yasir.
However, unbeknownst to Angela, it's clear to Yasir and Nuri that they're destined to be together…and at the end of the day, that's all that really matters. While Nuri respects and appreciates Angela's insight and her friendship, she feels differently and is willing to take a risk despite how different and unexpected their lives seem to be at this point. Neither her, or Yasir, are willing to let this rough patch ruin what will ultimately be a lasting love story.
Shows like Love is__, Black Love Doc, and even Insecure (just to name a few of my favorites) are friendly reminders that even though your close family and friends may have the best intentions for you, they won't always know what's best for you. When it comes to making decisions in your life, there are times when you'll need to consult your family and friends, but there will also be times when you will have to trust your gut and rely on your inner spirit and intuition.
Hence, choose wisely who and when you seek advice from when it comes to these certain areas of your life:
Making Relationship Decisions
Contrary to popular belief, no two relationships are ever identical because all of us are different. Even though I've noticed many similarities between Yasir and Nuri's story and my own personal love story, there are still some significant differences between the two relationships. Not to mention the fact that it's a television show (even though it is loosely based on the true love story of acclaimed show creators and producers Salim and Mara Brock Akil).
Nevertheless, what might have worked for someone else's relationship may not necessarily work for your relationship, let alone even apply to your relationship. Many people make the mistake of trying to emulate their relationship experiences after what they see on Instagram, television, in the movies, or even in real life.
They fail to realize that love is possible in so many ways, and not every relationship will be the same.
For instance, some would venture to say that you can't meet the love of your life at the club, but I can't say that when the reality is that my husband and I met at the club. Is that rare? Probably. But was it possible? Obviously, since the rest is history. Plus, I know couples who met at church, the grocery store, on vacation, and I know couples who even met online.
I know couples who dated for 10 years then got married, and I know couples who got married after only dating for six months. I know couples who have children, couples who want children, and couples who don't want kids at all. At the end of the day, we're doing this love and marriage thing in different ways, but the commonality is that we're all doing what works best for us. The same should apply to your relationships.
Don't put love in a box. Trust the journey and trust God's timing. Besides, true love has a way of showing up packaged differently or arriving sooner or later than you expected…but when it arrives, it will be exactly what you want and need.
Making Career Moves
Some people may not understand you, or even believe you, when you tell them you're: starting a side-hustle, quitting your job, going back to school, starting a business, starting a blog, or you're changing careers. Truthfully speaking, your willingness to step out of your comfort zone can make others feel uncomfortable. Some people don't want to see you change because they're committed to remaining the same. Other times, people will unknowingly project their personal fears onto you and cause you to question your decision because they may not be as willing to step out on faith and take a risk.
All of us have different dreams, goals, and aspirations, which will ultimately lead us down different paths. Some people follow their passion, while others will follow the paycheck (or both). Some people stay dreaming, while others wake up and turn their dreams into reality.
Just like with our senses, everyone's vision isn't the same – literally and figuratively. So, some people will see the vision, while others might not see what you see, but don't let that keep you stagnant. It could very well be a sign that should move in silence anyway.
It's up to you – you can do what everyone else thinks or is used to seeing you do, or you can strive to do the very thing you know you've been called to do.
Making Geographical Moves
It's one thing to feel sad about someone moving away to another city, state, or even another country, but some people will make you feel so bad that they will convince you to stay merely for their own selfish reasons.
For many people, moving to a new place can be the perfect transition to help jumpstart a new chapter in life. Traveling and experiencing new places provides the opportunity to experience and see new things. It opens your eyes and imagination to more.
For me personally, my move to Atlanta wasn't just what I needed at that time in my life because of what I was going through, but it helped shift my mindset completely. Being that I was a small city girl from Lexington, Kentucky (I love my hometown), Atlanta was where I saw more people who looked like me and where I saw more opportunity.
Atlanta helped me to see myself as a proud, unapologetic, black, professional, and successful woman – a "go-getter" (or goal digger as I like to call it).
Even when I moved, I understood then that everyone wasn't going to get it, which is why I didn't consult a lot of people about the move. Only a few people knew about my plans because I didn't want to risk someone trying to discourage me or overwhelm me with the "what ifs" about something that I knew was the right decision for my life.
You don't have to get others to affirm what God has already confirmed, especially if it's not hurtful or harmful to you or anyone else. Remember, just because someone knows you, doesn't mean they know what's best for you.
Featured image via Love Is... / OWN
RELATED
Camesha created the organization after her struggles with mental health and the lack of community she experienced. The Chicago native explains how she created Sista Afya to be rooted in “culturally grounded care.”
pixelheadphoto digitalskillet/ Shutterstock
“So at my organization, Sista Afya Community Care, we focus on providing mental health care through a cultural and gender lens,” she tells xoNecole. “So when we think about the term intersectionality, coined by Kimberlé Crenshaw, we think about the multiple identities that lead to certain experiences and outcomes as it relates to Black women.
“So in the context of culturally grounded care, being aware of the cultural history, the cultural values, and then also the current issues that impact mental health outcomes.”
Words like “strong” and “independent” have long been associated with Black women for some time and many of us have begun to embrace the soft life and are using rest as a form of resistance. However, some of us still struggle with putting ourselves first and overall shedding the tainted image of the “strong, Black woman” that had been forced on us.
Camesha shares that while there’s more and more communities being created around empowerment and shared interests like running, she still questions, “are Black women really comfortable with being vulnerable about sharing their experiences?”
Being vulnerable with ourselves and others play an important role in healing the instinctive nature of always being “on” for everyone. “I'm currently facilitating a group on high functioning depression, and yesterday, we talked about how when Black women may be struggling or have shared their concerns with other people. They may be minimized, or they're told to just be strong, or it's not so bad, or I went through something worse back in Jim Crow era, so you should be thankful,” she explains.
“So I think there's a challenge with Black women being able to be honest, to be vulnerable and to receive the support that they need in the same capacity as how much they give support to other people. So that is probably a very common theme. I think we've made a lot of progress when we talk about the superwoman syndrome, the mammy stereotype, the working hard stereotype, the nurturing stereotype. I think we're beginning to unpack those things, but I still see that we have definitely a long way to go in that area.”
I think there's a challenge with Black women being able to be honest, to be vulnerable and to receive the support that they need in the same capacity as how much they give support to other people.
Roman Samborskyi/ Shutterstock
While we’re unpacking those things, we know that we’re still women at the end of the day. So as we continue to serve in various roles like mothers, daughters, sisters, and caretakers, we have to make caring for ourselves a priority. Camesha reveals four ways we can still care for others without abandoning ourselves.
Trust
First things first, trust. Camesha explains, “Some of the burdens that Black women have can be linked to not feeling like you can trust people to carry the load with you.
“It's hard because people experience trauma or being let down or different experiences, but one of the things that I found personally is the more that I'm able to practice trust, the more I'm able to get my needs met. Then, to also show up as my best to care for other Black women.”
Know Your Limitations
Another thing Camesha highlighted is Black women knowing their limitations. “The other thing that I would like to bring up in terms of a way to care for yourself is to really know your limitations, or know how much you can give and what you need to receive,” she says.
“So often, what I see with Black women is giving, giving, giving, giving, giving to the point that you're not feeling well, and then not receiving what you need in return to be able to feel well and whole individually. So I really think it's important to know your limitations and know your capacity and to identify what it is that you need to be well.”
Don’t Take On A Lot Of Responsibilities
Next on the list is not taking on so many responsibilities, sharing herself as an example. “The other thing is taking on too much responsibility, especially in a time of vulnerability.
“One thing that I personally struggled with was being so passionate about community mental health for Black women, and saying yes to everything and taking on so much responsibility,” she reveals. “That affected me to do well in serving Black women and then also impacting my own well being.”
Practice Self-Care
Lastly, she notes the importance of practicing self-care. “The last thing is really practicing regular self care, regular community care, so that it's embedded into your daily life. So for me, having prepared meals, going to the gym, getting eight hours of sleep, spending time with friends and family, all of those things are part of my self care that keep me at my best,” she explains.
“Then community care, leaning into social networks or social groups, or spending time with other interests or hobbies. That's a part of my community care that keeps me going, so that I can take care of my needs, but also to be able to show up best in care for others.”
Find out more about Camesha and Sista Afya Community Care at communitycare.sistaafya.com.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by AS Photo Family/ Shutterstock