If there’s one thing that I strive to do, whenever it comes to whatever content I put out into the universe, it’s to offer at least one thing within the pieces that provide a bit of an ah-ha moment. Today? What does it really mean if you find yourself waking up between 3 and 4 a.m. either every night or all of a sudden for several nights in a row?
If you’re someone who had a church-goin’ grandma, you might’ve heard that midnight and then again at 3 a.m. is when the devil is his busiest (also known as “the witching hour”). And if you just connected the dots on why she would say that there is nothing open past midnight but legs (LOL) well…there ya go. Then there are the more logical explanations (some of which I will expound on in a moment) including that you may have eaten too late, you drank too much (which requires you to get up and go to the bathroom), you’re subconsciously stressed out, your room is too hot (or cold) and/or you’re looking at your phone screen too much (the lighting of it can wreck your sleep patterns).
Okay, but what if you’re in your late 30s-early 40s and it seems like, out of nowhere, you’re waking up at 3:30 a.m., damn near on the dot? Is that just a random thing or is there really something to it? Chile, you might be surprised by what I discovered. Read on and I’ll explain.
Waking Up at the Same Damn Time Every Night? Here’s the Deal.
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Oh, perimenopause. It’s a fact of life that no woman can really escape and, to be honest, if you’re in your late 30s, it’s something that you should learn as much about as you possibly can. I say that because, according to many health experts, that time of life (when you’re transitioning into menopause) can last anywhere from 4-10 years (although for some women, it’s only a few months while for others, it can go past a decade). During perimenopause, you may experience everything from hot flashes and incontinence to mood swings and infertility challenges (in part, due to irregular menstrual cycles) — and that’s just for starters.
Another very telling sign that you are either in perimenopause or very close to the day that officially marks menopause (because technically, menopause is the day that you’ve gone 12 consecutive months without a period; after that, you’re in post-menopause)? Sleep problems. I mean, the kind that has you wondering if you’re either an official insomniac or you’re low-key losing your mind. And guess what? For many women, the wake-up call for if they are indeed perimenopausal is 3:29 a.m. Pretty wild, right?
Apparently, there was a survey that was released in honor of World Menopause Day (yes, there is a day; it's in the fall) that said an overwhelming amount of women wake up at that time of the night. Although studies are being conducted to see what the backstory on all of that is about, what is clear is the roller coaster ride of hormones (especially estrogen and progesterone) messes with your circadian rhythm and that can make it challenging to fall asleep and/or stay asleep.
Do you have to just grin and bear it? No. Well, not totally. If it’s been a few months of waking up around this time and some other of the symptoms that I mentioned are happening too, you might want to make an appointment with your healthcare provider, just so they can confirm that it’s perimenopause as opposed to something else (like say, a thyroid issue). Another thing that you can do is check out online services that specialize in menopause; they will assess you virtually and provide recommendations and sometimes even prescriptions (some of those include PlushCare, Versalie, and Let’s Get Checked).
In the meantime, there are a few things that you can do from the comfort and convenience of your home that may provide some semi-immediate relief. I’ve got eight of ‘em right here for you to try.
1. Get on a Sleep Schedule
If there are two things that folks don’t schedule enough (and probably should) it’s sex and sleep (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”). Sex? We’ll have to get into that at another time. Sleep? Listen, all that scheduling means is you’re prioritizing something, and when you schedule sleep that can help you to cultivate a routine that will help you to rest more soundly throughout the night. If you’ve never had a sleep schedule before, all you need to do is purpose in your mind to turn in at the same time every evening.
Actually, there are a few more things that you should add to this: don’t take naps through the day (that can definitely mess with your sleep patterns), do some sort of exercising in the morning or afternoon (that will make it easier to sleep at night) and incorporate a lot of these other tips, so that you’re able to cultivate an atmosphere of rest and relaxation before actually falling asleep.
2. Add a Magnesium, Calcium and Zinc Supplement to Your Diet
Something that my mother hipped me to, shoot, decades ago at this point, is taking magnesium, calcium, and zincas an all-in-one supplement. Not only do they work together to naturally relax your nervous system, but they’re also known to improve your sleep quality as well. It’s also a “fun fact” to know that when you’re going through perimenopause, you’re going to lose some calcium, so this supplement can help you stay on top of that in the process.
3. Don't Eat Late
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I’m definitely preaching to the choir when it comes to this particular point because it’s rare that I will look at the clock when it comes to snacking on something. If you can relate, there’s a study that indicates that eating something, even one hour before turning in, significantly increases your chances of waking up in the middle of the night. And since it can be hella challenging to go back to sleep once you are up, the more proactive that you can be at preventing this from happening, the better…right?
4. Sip on Some Golden Milk or Ashwagandha Tea
Before getting into this tip, it needs to go on record that whether it’s water or something else, if you don’t want to be making potty runs throughout the night, you should stop drinking about two hours before bedtime. That being said, two drinks that can help you out on the rest and relaxation tip are golden milk and ashwagandha tea.
Golden milk is good for you because milk contains tryptophan (a natural sleep agent) and turmeric (which is also in golden milk) can actually help to treat sleep deprivation and anxiety. As far as ashwagandha tea goes, it helps to reduce stress and has compounds in it that actually help to induce sleep.
Now as far as golden milk goes, I am a fan. I will give a heads up, though, that if your periods are topsy-turvy, turmeric is also a blood thinner; so, if heavy cycles are what you’re also going through, you might want to consume golden milk in great amounts of moderation.
5. Make Your Bedroom Cold and Dark
Hot flashes can be as simple as feeling the need to kick your sheets off in the middle of the night or as complex as soaking through your bedding via your sweat. One way to lower the chances of either of these things happening is to take the temperature in your bedroom down a few notches; preferably between 60-67 degrees.
Something else that you should do is keep your room as dark as possible by investing in some blackout curtains, putting on a sleep mask (especially if you share your bed with someone), turning off all electronic devices, and turning your alarm clock away from you.
Why? Because some studies indicate that setting your alarm can cause you to look at it off and on throughout the night in anticipation of waking up which can also hinder you from getting all of the rest that your mind and body need.
6. Calm Your Senses
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Calm is such a calming word. It means to be still and to get into a state of tranquility. Some of the synonyms for calm include quiet, serene, mild, smooth, soothing, peaceful, and restful. If your hormones are anything but all of this, you’ve got to be serious about doing things that will help to calm them — and you — down.
Read a couple of chapters of a non-stress-filled book. Play some nature sounds. Do some meditation. Get into some deep breathing. Read up on what is known as NSDR (Non-Sleep Deep Rest).
Contrary to popular belief, if you crash into bed, that’s not the sign of being a healthy sleeper; it actually should take you between 15-20 minutes to lull yourself. Making the time to do things that will calm you can get your mind, body, and spirit to a place where you can fall into a deep state of sleep so much easier.
7. Put Some Marjoram Oil on Your Bedding
If you’re someone who likes to cook a lot, you might be familiar with marjoram as an herb that’s pretty popular when it comes to Mediterranean dishes. On the health benefits tip, it’s good for digestive issues and it’s loaded with antioxidants. However, if you apply it to your life as an essential oil, it actually has a sweet musky scent that can help to (get this) regulate your hormones and, quite possibly, your menstrual cycle too!
If you want to test it out, my two cents would be to apply some of this essential oil to your pillows and sheets; and see if it helps you sleep a bit more soundly over the next couple of weeks.
8. Use Your Bedroom for Sex and Sleep ONLY
It really can’t be said enough (by me and interior decorators) that your bedroom is not supposed to be a mini-office, entertainment center, or jungle gym for your kids. Your bedroom should be for sex and sleep ONLY (with very few exceptions).
And honestly, since orgasms help to produce some of the hormones that actually help you to decrease your stress levels as well as help you to sleep better — if you do happen to wake up at 3:30 a.m. and you’ve got a fine specimen in your bed beside you…maybe that’s a sign to get some sex to rock you back to sleep! Can’t think of a better way to end this article, come to think of it. #wink
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So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
It’s not like it has to be a bad thing. In fact, studies say that somewhere around 15 percent of engaged couples actually met through a friend. All I’m saying is, before you entertain someone’s “I’ve got someone I want you to meet” invitation, it would benefit you to interview them first — for the sake of all parties involved.
The questions that I recommend asking? The following six are what I think can get everyone on the same page, so that there is more pleasure than regret from the hook-up attempt.
1. Why Are They So Invested?
GiphyTwo things that I recently watched over again are the series Survivor’s Remorse (the writing is so damn good) and a movie called Trapped in Temptation (both are currently on Tubi). Something that both of them made me think about is the fact that motive reveals a lot when it comes to why people say and do the things that they do.
When it comes to the movie, specifically, without giving the film away — let me just say that, if you are in a relationship, be really careful about listening to individuals who try to talk you out of maintaining it. More times than not, the motive is shady as hell. And honestly, sometimes people who are close to obsessed with you being in one deserve a bit of side-eye too.
Now, if it’s someone who loves all things love, they are in love and they want you to experience something similar — that’s sweet. Just make sure that they are approaching the set up from a healthy space. What I mean by that is they don’t see singleness as some sort of relational handicap or they aren’t trying to override what you want for your life as if they somehow know better (there are so many ways to be a control freak, y’all).
Hmph. Now that I think about it — make sure that the set-up crew isn’t trying to use you to “save” some male friend or relative of theirs. I say that because I once knew a mother whose son had — count ‘em — 10 kids and she was FOREVER trying to get me to date him. Girl, that wasn’t for me. She was looking for a Holy Ghost Jr. for that child of hers. I’ll pass. HARD PASS.
Bottom line with this one — if someone wants to set you up with someone else, the first thing to ask is why? Make sure to really listen to what their answer is. Then pay attention to if your mind, body and spirit are at peace with their answer(s).
2. Do They Know What You Want?
GiphyI don’t know about y’all, but the people (and let’s be honest, by far, it’s usually women) who have tried to set me up with someone? They didn’t even know what my preferences or type was. Hell, they didn’t even know my thoughts or timeline as it relates to being in a serious relationship were either. And what that boils down to is they were trying to hook me up based on their agenda, not mine — and that usually meant that the guys who they came up with? Yeah…I was good on them. LOL.
Yeah, if someone wants to hook you up, you definitely should ask them if they know what you are looking for in a guy when it comes to his looks, personality, passions, spirituality, relational desires and goals, location, etc. Because, indeed, what is the point in going out with someone who is fine as hell and yet, you want kids and he doesn’t (or vice versa) or who has a great personality yet he isn’t even in the same ballpark of your spiritual beliefs?
If your friend really wants to help you out, valuing your time should come with that — and that means bringing someone into your life who complements your lifestyle. No wiggle room here.
3. Are They Aware of Your Deal-Breakers?
GiphyLast year, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Should Bad Sex Actually Be A Relationship Deal-Breaker?” The thing that I think needs to go on record about deal-breakers is they aren’t exactly standards that you have. No, a deal-breaker is something that can’t be worked out even after trying to negotiate or compromise. When it comes to relationships, a deal-breaker might be how long two people should date before becoming exclusive or getting engaged. Another deal-breaker might be if being religious is more important than being spiritual and how that manifests itself (church or no church, etc.). And yes, another deal-breaker may be what each other’s sexual needs and expectations are.
When someone is setting you up, it is imperative that they know about your standards. For instance, for me, I am not interested in dating a divorced person, pretty much ever (I Corinthians 7:10-11). I’ve had friends who have tried to hook me up with that demographic before and it has always been a moot effort. The fact that some of them have gotten frustrated with my convictions has absolutely nothing to do with me. Some have tried to get me to compromise my deal-breakers too — like a long-distance relationship. Is it a firm “naw”? No. However, it’s not really something that I am interested in, so why not just…recommend someone local?
Yeah, if someone thinks that they know you well enough to hook you up, they absolutely should be well-versed in what your deal-breakers are before they do. And if they’ve never asked, all they are doing is assuming — and we know what that typically means. LOL.
4. What Is Their Track Record?
GiphyIt’s kind of wild that we now live in a time when more couples meet online than they do through “old-fashioned ways” like via their friends (although some reports say that Gen Z is getting back to that) — and yet, here we are. Still, if you are willing to let someone play pseudo matchmaker in your life, you are well within your rights to inquire about their track record in that department. Have they hooked others up, successfully, before? Has any of their “Cupid work” caused both people to get exactly what they wanted out of the situation? If/when things went awry, why was that?
I know someone who is constantly trying to hook people up. Thing is, maybe 10-15 percent (no joke) of their efforts have proven to be positive and fruitful — and we’re talking about close to close to two decades of them doing it. Listen, time is too precious to be out here doing stuff ONLY to please other people. That said, if someone wants you to devote some time to one of their grand ideas, you are well within your rights to ask about their past and current success score when it comes to it.
5. Can They Keep Their Own Feelings Out of It?
GiphyWanna know if someone who is offering to do something for you is actually doing it more for themselves? If they try to make it be about them when things don’t go the way they would like, that is a dead ringer. An example? They post a message about you on social media and then question you about why you didn’t do the same thing in return. Another example? They do something for you and then throw it in your face during an argument. Still another example? They set you up with someone, it doesn’t work out, and suddenly you’ve put them in a weird spot. No dear — you put your own self in that position by trying to hook two people up in the first place.
I promise you, it will spare everyone unnecessary energy spent (or even drama experienced) if, before you agree to be hooked up, you get the matchmaker on record stating that they will keep their emotions out of it as much as possible. MEANING — they will do the introductions and then let the chips fall where they may. If they can’t do this, my two cents (save it or spend it) would be to decline the offer. Because all you need is someone texting you about why you haven’t called their cousin back or having an attitude with you when you break up with some guy at their church who they thought was the perfect catch (P.S. These aren’t hypothetical examples — LOL).
6. Will They Respect Your Boundaries? Start to Finish?
GiphyYeah, this final one is a biggie. Just because someone sets you up with another person, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily mean that they should have the right to the details of the dynamic. I don’t care if it’s the first date or the 10th date. I don’t care if you decide to just be sex buddies or to have a full-blown relationship. I don’t care if you stay together or break-up — it’s your relationship which makes it your business. Whatever you share is privileged data.
Yeah, I would say that probably the most challenging thing about being hooked up by someone you know is they have a tendency to think that they are a part of the relationship too — and that is a lie. If things go well beyond a couple of dates, you and the guy should discuss what you will both share with the person who introduced you and then agree to stick to that boundary, no matter what. It’s a great way to protect the dynamic, to keep “outside voices” from influencing the growth and to navigate how you want to move, moving forward.
Someone who hooked you up for the right reasons and knows how to honor limits? They will understand. Will they ask questions? Absolutely. Will they pry? Nah.
___
Should you sit and let someone hook you up? I mean, you never know how your blessing will come. Just make sure that they are prepared for you to do some digging into their mindset before they start sweetly meddling into your love life.
It’s only fair. Hell, and right. LOL.
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