Pleasure Principles: 6 Fundamentals Of Enjoyable Sex
Maybe two years old was a little too young to learn about sex. Yet, I was that age when Janet Jackson released "The Pleasure Principle" in 1986. Years later, the song's message would resonate with me: Women are entitled to experience enjoyment and satisfaction in the bedroom. It's our fundamental right!
In a male-centric society, women's rights are often culturally suppressed or legally denied. Consider the different responses to a male versus a female when each has had many sexual partners. Most likely, the male was groomed to carry condoms to protect himself and was patted on the back for his conquests. Meanwhile, a female is made to take birth control and warned against becoming a "hoe."
In 2019, Alabama made headlines for creating a law denying women the right to get an abortion even if the pregnancy was a result of incest or rape. This implies that these mothers-to-be will be responsible for child-rearing while being constantly reminded of the circumstances surrounding the child's conception.
How then could a woman feel empowered to enjoy sex?
I mean, let's not talk about sexual pleasure for black women! It is unthinkable that we would desire anything other than being objectified for coins. Still, I feel like a unicorn when I say that I have experiences as scandalous as Rose in the film Titanic and as romantic as Allie's in The Notebook on a regular basis.
Part of my liberal mindset when it comes to sex is due to my upbringing. From an early age, my mother taught my sister and I about prioritizing our pleasure first because "no matter what, he's going to get his." Meanwhile, my G-Ma---her mother---taught us all the things about vaginal health and hygiene using language our teachers would be terminated for (or be caught on video and become a controversial viral social media post).
Though my mom and G-Ma did not shy away from discussing anatomy and sexuality at the table, I did not fully embrace prioritizing pleasure until working with a private yoga client who did adventure therapy. In between poses or as she came out of the final deep relaxation pose (savasana), she would make remarks such as:
"I deserve this!"
"That was yummy!"
"I like how my body felt in that (pose)!"
Not only did she emphasize which positions sparked joy with a sound of relief or vibrant smile, but she also acknowledged moments of discomfort. She would pause to explain where she was experiencing sensations. From there, I would either offer props or move to the next posture.
What would happen if our partners did the same thing?
What if they listened attentively to what is enjoyable and unpleasant, and they make adjustments from there? The thought of communicating your needs can be daunting, and if you're not used to speaking up in the bedroom, your mind may be overwhelmed by thoughts such as:
"Maybe they would be offended."
"Did I just kill the vibe?"
"Am I wrong for wanting to enjoy this as much as they do?"
No, you are not. Let me tell you that it is possible for you and your partner to have enjoyable experiences by understanding the principles of pleasure. As I mentioned earlier, it is your fundamental right to enjoy sex. Was that hard to hear? Let me say it louder for the people in the back:
You are allowed to enjoy sex!
Now, don't confuse this with Freud's pleasure principle in which you seek urgent sexual fulfillment like a newborn screaming for food. Instead, it is a call for you to responsibly explore what feels good to you.
Before you and your partner jump in the sheets or make love in the shower, ponder the following:
- Learning to accept your whole self as you are leads to a good time and freedom to explore.
- Pleasure is not one-size-fits-all. What you enjoy with one may not be enjoyable with another.
- Discussing how you came to understand sex can help to decipher anything puzzling in the bed.
- Don't fake the orgasm. Think twice before you try to "tap out" because your body won't hide it.
- Savor sex through prolonged exploration of positions over time. It's not a race. It's a marathon.
- Resolve conflicts first. Sex is only the cherry on top of a good relationship. It is a poor sustainer of a broken one. (Don't ask me how I know.)
If you or your partner still feel uncomfortable, consider seeing a medical or mental health professional to help you work through underlying issues. Maybe it's you. Maybe it's your partner. Whatever it is, it's up to you to define your principles of pleasure for yourself.
Featured photo by Shutterstock.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissions@xonecole.com.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Sheila Rashid's Androgynous Approach To Unisex Clothing Is A Lesson In Embracing Individuality
The ItGirl 100 List is a celebration of 100 Black women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table.
For Sheila Rashid, it all started with some free-hand drawings and a few strokes of paint.
The Chicago-based clothing designer and creative director of Sheila Rashid Brand recalls using her spare time in high school to hand paint designs on t-shirts and distressed hoodies, distributing them to classmates as walking billboards for her art.
Rashid sought to pursue fashion design at Columbia College in Chicago but eventually took the self-taught route to build upon her knack for crafting one-of-a-kind, androgynous pieces.
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Thanks to the mentorship of local designers taking her under their wings, Rashid was able to gain valuable experience in putting together collections and creating patterns; equipping her with them with the necessary skills to pursue her own collections.
After two years of living in New York, Rashid returned home to the Chi and uncovered the unique flair she could offer the city. “I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world,” she tells xoNecole. “That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
For the Midwest native, inspiration comes from her time around creative peers and the city’s notorious winters — known to be a main character in many Chicagoans stories. “It's a different perspective and mindset when I'm making stuff because of the weather here,” she explains. “When we get summer, it’s ‘Summertime Chi’ — it's amazing. It's beautiful. Still, I find myself always making clothes that cater to the winter.”
"I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world. That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
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Many designers have a signature aesthetic or theme in their creations. In Rashid’s design story, dancing between the lines of femininity and masculinity is how she’s been able to distinguish herself within the industry. Her androgynous clothing has garnered the eye of celebrities like Zendaya, Chance the Rapper, WNBA star Sydney Colson, and more — showing her range and approach to designs with inclusivity in mind.
“I think I do reflect my own style,” she says. “When I do make pieces, I'm very tomboyish, androgynous. My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes.” From denim to overalls, and color-drenched outerwear, Rashid has mastered the structure of statement pieces that tell a story.
“Each collection, I never know what's going to be the thing I'm going to focus on. I try to reflect my own style and have fun with the storytelling,” she shares. “I look at it more like it's my art in this small way of expressing myself, so it's not that calculated.”
"My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes."
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Still, if you were able to add up all the moments within Rashid’s 20-year career in design, one theme that has multiplied her into becoming an “ItGirl” is her confidence to take up space within the fashion industry as a queer, Black woman. “Being an ItGirl is about being yourself, loving what you do, finding your niche, and mastering that,” she says.
No matter where you are on your ItGirl journey, Rashid says to always remain persistent and never hesitate to share your art with the world. “Don’t give up. Even if it's something small, finish it and don't be afraid to put it out,” she says, “It's about tackling your own fear of feeling like you have to please everybody, but just please yourself, and that's good enough.”
To learn more about the ItGirl 100 List, view the full list here.
Featured image Courtesy