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Pleasure Principles: 6 Fundamentals Of Enjoyable Sex
Maybe two years old was a little too young to learn about sex. Yet, I was that age when Janet Jackson released "The Pleasure Principle" in 1986. Years later, the song's message would resonate with me: Women are entitled to experience enjoyment and satisfaction in the bedroom. It's our fundamental right!
In a male-centric society, women's rights are often culturally suppressed or legally denied. Consider the different responses to a male versus a female when each has had many sexual partners. Most likely, the male was groomed to carry condoms to protect himself and was patted on the back for his conquests. Meanwhile, a female is made to take birth control and warned against becoming a "hoe."
In 2019, Alabama made headlines for creating a law denying women the right to get an abortion even if the pregnancy was a result of incest or rape. This implies that these mothers-to-be will be responsible for child-rearing while being constantly reminded of the circumstances surrounding the child's conception.
How then could a woman feel empowered to enjoy sex?
I mean, let's not talk about sexual pleasure for black women! It is unthinkable that we would desire anything other than being objectified for coins. Still, I feel like a unicorn when I say that I have experiences as scandalous as Rose in the film Titanic and as romantic as Allie's in The Notebook on a regular basis.
Part of my liberal mindset when it comes to sex is due to my upbringing. From an early age, my mother taught my sister and I about prioritizing our pleasure first because "no matter what, he's going to get his." Meanwhile, my G-Ma---her mother---taught us all the things about vaginal health and hygiene using language our teachers would be terminated for (or be caught on video and become a controversial viral social media post).
Though my mom and G-Ma did not shy away from discussing anatomy and sexuality at the table, I did not fully embrace prioritizing pleasure until working with a private yoga client who did adventure therapy. In between poses or as she came out of the final deep relaxation pose (savasana), she would make remarks such as:
"I deserve this!"
"That was yummy!"
"I like how my body felt in that (pose)!"
Not only did she emphasize which positions sparked joy with a sound of relief or vibrant smile, but she also acknowledged moments of discomfort. She would pause to explain where she was experiencing sensations. From there, I would either offer props or move to the next posture.
What would happen if our partners did the same thing?
What if they listened attentively to what is enjoyable and unpleasant, and they make adjustments from there? The thought of communicating your needs can be daunting, and if you're not used to speaking up in the bedroom, your mind may be overwhelmed by thoughts such as:
"Maybe they would be offended."
"Did I just kill the vibe?"
"Am I wrong for wanting to enjoy this as much as they do?"
No, you are not. Let me tell you that it is possible for you and your partner to have enjoyable experiences by understanding the principles of pleasure. As I mentioned earlier, it is your fundamental right to enjoy sex. Was that hard to hear? Let me say it louder for the people in the back:
You are allowed to enjoy sex!
Now, don't confuse this with Freud's pleasure principle in which you seek urgent sexual fulfillment like a newborn screaming for food. Instead, it is a call for you to responsibly explore what feels good to you.
Before you and your partner jump in the sheets or make love in the shower, ponder the following:
- Learning to accept your whole self as you are leads to a good time and freedom to explore.
- Pleasure is not one-size-fits-all. What you enjoy with one may not be enjoyable with another.
- Discussing how you came to understand sex can help to decipher anything puzzling in the bed.
- Don't fake the orgasm. Think twice before you try to "tap out" because your body won't hide it.
- Savor sex through prolonged exploration of positions over time. It's not a race. It's a marathon.
- Resolve conflicts first. Sex is only the cherry on top of a good relationship. It is a poor sustainer of a broken one. (Don't ask me how I know.)
If you or your partner still feel uncomfortable, consider seeing a medical or mental health professional to help you work through underlying issues. Maybe it's you. Maybe it's your partner. Whatever it is, it's up to you to define your principles of pleasure for yourself.
Featured photo by Shutterstock.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissions@xonecole.com.
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Blair Underwood Initially Turned Down 'Sex And The City' Because 'It Was About How Samantha Was Fascinated By Dating A Black Man’
Actor and heartthrob Blair Underwood is opening up about why he turned down Sex and the City the first time he was offered a role. Many fans of the HBO series may recall Blair's time on the show in which his character was dating Miranda (Cynthia Nixon). However, he was previously offered another role where his character would date Samantha (Kim Cattrall).
During his interview with AV Club, the Set It Off star revealed that he was uncomfortable with the initial offer due to the character's fascination with him being a Black man.
“I actually did say ‘no’ the first time,” he said. “The first time they had offered the role, to be honest with you, it was about how Samantha was fascinated by dating a Black man and wanted to know if, uh, all of the rumors were true about our anatomy! And I said, ‘Listen, I’m honored, thank you, but I just don’t want to play a character based on race, on curiosity about a Black man.'”
But that didn't stop them from reaching out again. This time he was offered to play Dr. Robert Leeds, the love interest to Miranda and he decided to go for it. "So they were nice enough to call about a year later, and I said, 'Well, is it gonna be about race?' And they said, 'No, no, no, we’re not even gonna mention race!' And I think it really did only come up maybe once," he recalled.
"It did five episodes, and I think Samantha mentioned it once, saying something about 'a Black doctor' that Miranda was dating. And that’s really been a consistent thing in my career: not wanting to be boxed as 'the Black guy.'
"I’ve had that conversation with many producers along the way, and they were so great. They said, 'No, he’s just a doctor who Miranda meets in the elevator, and they have a nice little fling.' And it was amazing."
Blair has had a wide-ranging career playing everything from a lawyer on L.A. Law to playing Madame CJ Walker's husband on Self Made: Inspired by the Life of Madame CJ Walker. And during his interview, he revealed another role that he initially turned down, Set It Off. The movie, which is considered a classic in Black culture, stars Queen Latifah, Jada Pinkett Smith, Vivica A. Fox, and Kimberly Elise. Blair's character, Keith, played a banker and love interest to Jada's character, Stony.
He explained why he said no at first and eventually accepted the offer. "I had initially said “no” to that. Because I was playing this historic, iconic African-American historical figure in Jackie Robinson, and the time, y’know, there was Boyz N The Hood, and Menace II Society was out there, and I’d finished playing this noble Negro… [Laughs]," he said.
"And I’m reading the script, and there’s a scene where Jada Pinkett’s character—Jada Pinkett-Smith now—was going to sell her body so she could make some money to send her brother to college. And I remember, honestly, I threw the script across the room. I was, like, “I don’t want to do this. I want to do something uplifting for the Black culture and Black characters, and I don’t know if I want to see this.”
After a conversation with the movie's director F. Gary Gray and the actor's manager encouraging him to finish reading the script, Blair had a change of heart. What he first thought about the movie turned out to be totally different.
"So I finished the script, and I saw that the character they were asking me to play was really the love story in the midst of all of this turmoil of all of these characters, the four ladies: Queen Latifah, Vivica Fox, Kimberly Elise, and Jada," he explained.
"It was so well-written, it was such a great platform for them. And to be able to play the love story and the storyline that gave Jada’s character a leg up and a way out of this world, something to hope for, to wish for, someone to love her… I said, 'You know what? I’d like to be a part of that.'
"And I’m so glad I did, because that film resonates to this day. People all the time come up to me and say that they love that movie. So I’m glad that I did it."