Could ‘Intimacy Anorexia’ Be Ruining Your Sex Life?
Back when I wrote my first book, I coined a phrase called "sexual misuse". Being that I went through quite a bit of sexual trauma while growing up, I thought it was important to find a way to separate the difference between sexual abuse (what was done to me) and sexual misuse (poor decisions that I made on my own). That phrase came back to my mind a few days ago as I read a term I had personally never heard of before—intimacy anorexia.
Before I get into what that is and how it can both affect and infect a couple's sex life, let me first say that I know quite a few women—including Black women—who have dealt with the eating disorder anorexia (although reportedly, bulimia tends to be more common within our community). I don't want to make light of how that affects so many and so, for the record, I just want to share that one definition of anorexia is "loss of appetite"; what we're going to explore today is how a loss of an appetite for intimacy can ruin sex overall.
With that being said, if you're also not familiar with the phrase intimacy anorexia, let me take a moment to explain signs of this "disorder", along with what you can do to address it if you happen to recognize some of these signs in your own relationship.
How Can You Know If You or Your Partner Has Intimacy Anorexia?
I gotta admit that when I did some research on who came up with this term and read some of the signs that are directly linked to intimacy anorexia, I immediately sent Dr. Douglas Weiss's site to a married couple I know. It's a husband and wife who has basically been in a sexless marriage for close to five years now (to be real, things weren't going all that well even before then). The reason why I thought the site would be helpful is because, two years before an affair (by the husband) transpired, there had still been no sex going on. And although I've shared with the wife that she might want to look into how that played a direct role in the infidelity, she still refuses to see it. To her, withholding sex isn't nearly as "bad" as infidelity. Meanwhile, I'm over here like, even the Bible says, "Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control." (I Corinthians 7:5—NKJV) Withholding sex deprives. Withholding sex tempts. Withholding sex ain't a good look—point, blank and period. A big part of the reason why is found in the word "withhold". Can anything healthy or beneficial be rooted in choosing to refrain from giving or granting sexual intimacy to your partner? Man.
The reason why I was so grateful to Dr. Weiss's breakdown is because it provides quite a bit of insight into how a couple can end up having sex less than 10-15 times a year (which is the textbook definition of what a sexless marriage is). According to him, this is how you know that you or your partner (if not both of you) are suffering from intimacy anorexia:
- You're too busy to make time for your spouse
- You constantly blame them for the problems in your relationship
- You refuse to express love in the way that your partner needs it
- You neglect to praise your partner so that they will feel respected and appreciated by you
- You consciously withhold sex and/or intimacy during sex
- You don't make it a point to spiritually connect with your partner
- You do not express your feelings with your partner
- You constantly criticize your partner
- You use money to either shame or control your partner
- Due to a lack of emotional bonding, you and your partner are basically like roommates
I must say that reviewing this list actually confirms what I once heard and totally believe—what goes on in a couple's bedroom sets the tone for what's happening in the rest of the house.
Because, think about it—if your partner doesn't make time for you, refuses to fluently speak your love language or is always on your back complaining about any and everything, why would you want to be sexual with them? And if they are treating you this way, doesn't it seem like they are sending not-so-cryptic messages that they don't want to be intimate with you either?
Now let me just say this, also for the record. If you just looked at the list of warning signs and thought to yourself, "well damn", don't write yourself off as having this disorder—one that the founder of it actually refers to as an addiction—just yet. For better or for worse, virtually all couples experience at least a couple of these red flags. According to Dr. Weiss, the way to know if it's full-blown intimacy anorexia or not is if you or your partner display five or more of these traits at the same time (you can confirm this by taking the only test here). If you do, that is somewhat of a cause for alarm.
The good news is knowing is half of the battle and there are things that you can do to start healing in this area.
Pinpoint What the Specific Issues Are. Then Discuss Them.
There's another married couple I know who've been together for well over a decade now. The wife says that they pretty much only have sex when she initiates it and, her husband sucks at foreplay. During an impromptu session with them, when I asked the husband what the deal was, he said that his wife's constant yelling and berating totally turns him off. Meanwhile, she said that the selfishness that she felt in the bedroom seemed to be pretty indicative of how he is towards her, period. Do you see what's going on? His ego is bruised and she is resentful. Who's having good sex in that kind of space?
So yeah, if you do recognize that you or your partner are experiencing some of the flags that I shared, it's important to not only acknowledge that with one another, but to try and see where these issues derived from. Then, be open and patient enough to listen to what both of you think can—and should—be done in order to remedy the matters at hand.
See a Therapist/Counselor/Life Coach
I watched T.I. and Tiny's Red Table Talk about their marriage. There is A LOT that I could say; for now, I'll just go with "good for them" when it comes to the fact that they went to counseling in order to save their union.
Personally, I don't think that married couples should wait until they're at the brink of divorce before they see someone. After all, it's one thing to get help when you smell smoke; it's another matter entirely to want someone to save your house when one-half of it is already burned to the ground. Yeah, I definitely believe that counseling should be treated like marital maintenance more than a last-ditch effort.
That said, once you and your partner have realized what the root of your intimacy anorexia is, sometimes that can make things worse, long before they start to become better. A professional can help the two of you navigate how to address your problems and also how to find real and lasting solutions. I know a lot of folks tend to give push back on counseling, but look at it this way—if you could handle things well on your own…they'd be handled. Right?
Work on Restoring Emotional Intimacy Before Revising Your Sex Life
Did you notice how the list of signs that point to intimacy anorexia only mentioned sex once? Things like a lack of a spiritual connection, feeling like you're roommates with your partner and not taking ownership for your own actions have nothing to do with physical intimacy; what they do speak to is how much of a mental and emotional breakdown that there is, though.
If there's a "loss of appetite" for sex itself, spend some time getting back to the basics in the sense of restoring your intimacy via going on dates, being affectionate without being sexual, affirming your partner, being supportive and yes—making them feel loved in the way they need to feel it vs. the way you wish to receive it from them. If you don't know what that way is, ask. A lot of drama can be avoided in a relationship if we'd stop being so busy thinking that we know more about our partner than they know about themselves.
One of the reasons why I'm grateful for insights like this one is, I can't tell you how many couples have tried to convince me that sexless marriages aren't "that bad" or aren't a "big deal". If you are in a long-term committed relationship, you're physically capable of having sex but you're not having it is—it is a big deal. Sexual intimacy is not to be treated as a perk; it should be seen as a necessary staple. Thanks to terms like intimacy anorexia, hopefully more sexless relationships can get to the root cause of their situation so that sexual intimacy can be restored.
If you're just realizing that intimacy anorexia is what you and/or your partner suffer from, it's nothing to be embarrassed about or ashamed of. Now you know more of where your loss of appetite is coming from; now you can start on your journey to getting your groove back. Give thanks. A really good thing just happened—to you and your relationship. It really did.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
The Signs Of A Truly Intimate Relationship
This Is How To Feel Emotionally Safe In Your Relationship
10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important
10 Things Couples Who (Consistently) Have Great Sex Do
Feature image by Shutterstock
Did you know that xoNecole has a podcast? Subscribe on Apple Podcasts or Spotify to join us for weekly convos over cocktails (without the early morning hangover.)
- Get to Know the Signs of Trauma Bonding - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Why Writing Love Letters Is A Surefire Way To Revive Your Marriage - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- How To Talk About Intimacy Issues With Your Partner - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Here's How Trauma May be Affecting Your Sex Life - xoNecole: Lifestyle, Culture, Love, & Wellness ›
- Sex Problems Ruining Sex And Possibly Your Relationship - xoNecole: Lifestyle, Culture, Love, & Wellness ›
- How Do You Manage To Make Time For Sex? Ways To Make Time - xoNecole ›
- Intimacy Anorexia - Characteristics, Treatments & Resources ›
- What's Intimacy Anorexia? ›
- What is Intimacy Anorexia? - The 10 Signs of Intimacy Anorexia and ... ›
- Intimacy Anorexia: Healing the Hidden Addiction in Your Marriage ... ›
- Intimacy Anorexia: The Workbook: Douglas Weiss, Ph.D ... ›
- Intimacy Anorexia - YouTube ›
- 7 Tell-Tale Signs Your Partner Has "Intimacy Anorexia" | Argie ... ›
- Intimacy anorexia - Wikipedia ›
- Doctors say 'intimacy anorexia' may be the leading cause behind ... ›
- What Is Intimacy Anorexia? | Heart to Heart Counseling Center ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
How This New Bond Repair Line Transformed One Mother's Postpartum Shedding Into The Ultimate Curl Comeback
This article is in partnership with SheaMoisture
For Crystal Obasanya, her wash day woes came shortly after her son did. The beauty and lifestyle content creator had been natural for years, but during postpartum, she quickly learned about one reality many mothers can relate to experiencing: postpartum hair loss. “Sis had thinning hair. Sis had split ends,” she shared about her hair changes in a Reel via xoNecole.
Over a year into her postpartum journey, Crystal explained she also had dry, brittle hair, noting that keeping it hydrated before pregnancy had already been “a task.” The 4C natural recalled going from thick hair during pregnancy to a thin hairline due to postpartum shedding as “devastating.” When it came to strengthening and revitalizing her hair, the new SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection was just the thing she needed to elevate her damaged coils to revive and thrive status and get them poppin' again.
SheaMoisture is providing us with the cheat code for transforming dry and damaged strands into thriving and deeply nourished crowns. By unveiling their 4-step hair system, the SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection is equipping you with the tools to reverse signs of hair damage caused by protective styling, heat, and color and is uniquely formulated for Type 3 and 4 hair textures.
The haircare system revives damaged natural hair by repairing and rebuilding broken hair bonds through a game-changing combination of HydroPlex Technology and AminoBlend Complex, a unique blend of fortifying amino acids formulated specifically for curly and coily hair. Scientifically proven to reduce breakage by 84% and make your hair six times stronger (vs. non-conditioning shampoo), the collection infuses your hair with the nourishment it craves and the strength it deserves.
All five products of the SheaMoisture Bond Collection are infused with natural strengthening ingredients like Amla Oil and fair-trade shea butter. The collection consists of the 4-step breakage-fighting Bond Repair system, as well as the Bonding Oil.
“When trying it out, I quickly noticed that my hair felt revived and renewed, and my curls were so hydrated,” Crystal said while using the Amla-infused Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner. “I also felt my hair strands were stronger.” So much so that the influencer felt brave enough to get her hair braided shortly thereafter. “I can definitely say that I will be keeping it in my hair wash routine,” she added in the caption of her Reel about her positive experience using the products.
SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection is making bond-building a key player in your wash day routines and the purveyor of life for thirsty manes. Because who doesn't want stronger, shinier, happier hair?
Step One: Bond Repair Collection Shampoo
Rejuvenate your hair with SheaMoisture Bond Repair Shampoo, your go-to solution for luscious locks. Packed with hella hydration power, this shampoo adds moisture by 60% while removing buildup without stripping your strands. This shampoo gently cleanses impurities while significantly enhancing shine, smoothness, and softness.
The Bond Repair Collection Shampoo is the first step in the 4-step Bond Repair system, all of which are powered by the uniquely formulated AminoBlend, and HydroPlex, SheaMoisture’s technology that rebuilds hair strength at its core.
Step Two: Bond Repair Collection Conditioner
Tailored to repair styling damage, this creamy conditioner locks in 12x more moisture than standard non-conditioning shampoos, boosting damaged hair strength by 1.5x with significantly less breakage. The creamy SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Conditioner deeply hydrates, enhances manageability, and leaves your hair looking healthier and shinier.
Step Three: Bond Repair Collection Masque
This Ultra Moisturizing reparative masque is a moisture-rich game-changer for those dealing with the aftermath of hair damage caused by styling. The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Masque delivers 13 times more moisture compared to non-conditioning shampoos, ensuring your hair feels nourished and soft. Designed to repair and rejuvenate, this masque significantly strengthens damaged hair — making it twice as strong while reducing breakage.
Step Four: Bond Repair Collection Leave-In Conditioner
Elevate your curl game with SheaMoisture’s Bond Repair Collection Leave-In Condition. Lightweight and hydrating, the Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner provides 12x more moisture than non-conditioning shampoos and tames frizz with 24-hour humidity control. Designed to define curls and coils, the leave-in conditioner enhances softness and shine allowing you to detangle effortlessly.
Bonding Oil
The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Bonding Oil is a multitasking all-in-one formula that acts as a heat protectant and provides the hair with moisture, strength, shine, damage protection, and intense nourishment. This lightweight oil not only offers 24-hour frizz and humidity control but also fortifies your tresses, making them up to 5 times stronger with significantly less breakage.
Featured image courtesy